Bbc Merlin X Reader - Tumblr Posts

ivy

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Prompt - ‘Taking mine, but it's been promised to another.’

From the start your marriage had been nothing but a sham, a performance put on for the world to see. Vows that promised a lifetime of faith and love slipped from your lips, the lies pleasing those who heard it whilst turning you cold. It was all a lie, a marriage arranged before you had been born, it was what you were born for.

It didn’t matter that you were a Princess, it didn’t matter that you knew how to rule a kingdom, knew that you could lead your people. Nothing mattered except making sure the Prince looked the part. You weren’t needed for your mind, you were simply an accessory, somebody to stand by the prince. One day he would be a great King, everybody told you as much and you could only smile politely and nod whilst desperately trying to ignore how empty you felt.

And you did feel empty. You were far too good to spend your days standing beside the future King. It wasn’t that Arthur was terrible or cruel, as arranged marriages went you knew you had gotten lucky with him. He was kind if not a little bit arrogant but he was loyal and brave, willing to die for those he held dearest to him. You truly did believe he would be a great King, far better than Uther at any rate, you just wished you could be something more than simply the Prince’s wife.

Arthur treated your marriage as though it was a real one, which it was for all intents and purposes except for the fact that you didn’t love Arthur. The two of you shared a bed, spent your days side by side, he kissed your cheeks and held your hand in public. The kingdom adored the pair of you together. Arthur was happy and you woke up each morning feeling another piece of you wilt away into nothing.

You supposed it wasn’t all bad. Sure you had been moved from your own kingdom, losing everything you had known but you had gained something from it. One saving grace, one good thing that kept you from drowning and losing yourself.

It was wrong, terribly wrong. If the people, if Arthur or Uther found out you hated to think of what kind of punishment would be brought down on you. But yet you couldn’t resist, not when it was the only good thing you had to hold close.

Merlin.

You didn’t even remember fully how it came to be but from the moment Arthur introduced his servant to you you couldn’t help but smile wider, watching as he stuttered a greeting out before averting his eyes causing you to giggle as Arthur told you to just ignore the idiot.

Merlin spent almost as much time at Arthur’s side as you did, which meant he spent most of his time with you. Whilst Arthur occupied himself with royal duties you turned to Merlin and spoke quietly amongst yourself, Merlin still a stuttering, flustered mess but you couldn’t help but find it endearing. You yourself weren’t much better, biting back smiles and giggling softly like a small child with her first crush.

Months passed where nothing happened between the two of you but you could feel your feelings grow for Merlin as each day passed. What started as a slight infatuation turned into something more real, it wasn’t love but you thought that under different circumstances, in another life maybe it could have been.

The slightest touches from Merlin seemed to transform the emptiness and loneliness you felt surrounded by the royals, the brush of his fingers against your back as he passed, the way he stood slightly closer to you during events. All of the little touches, the stolen glances, all of it made everything better, even if they were tarnished when you were reminded that Merlin could never be yours.

One day everything became too overwhelming, you felt like you were choking on the expectations people had of you and excused yourself from Arthur’s presence before you were due to sit in with the King. Arthur’s concerned glances did nothing to help how tormented you were feeling and when he asked if he could do anything you shook your head, telling him you’d seek out Gaius.

You waited only long enough for him to enter the room before heading the opposite direction from Gaius’ chambers. You walked for long enough that your feet hurt but it did you good, the fresh air and being away from the palace helping you to clear your mind. You had no idea where you’d walked to but stopped when you came across a large tree.

The trunk stretched high in the air, wisteria growing from the branches, spreading off into all different directions before draping downwards and offering shade. There was a lake not too far in front of the tree, the purple flowers reflected in the clear water. It was a beautiful picture, the tree standing out against the greens of the others, and you couldn’t think of a better place to sit with your loneliness.

You sat down softly, letting your back rest against the thick trunk as your thoughts began to wander, your fingers pulling at the blades of grass beneath you as they did. You knew you were lucky, knew most women would kill to marry the Prince, to have a life of riches, to never have to worry or want for anything. You knew that as a result of your marriage your people back home were looked after and yet you couldn’t help but hate it.

Sitting here it felt like you were nothing more than a ghost of yourself, grieving for your loss, grieving for a life that could have been beautiful and happy. Now the only happiness you had in your days was stolen moments with Merlin.

It wasn’t even like you could tell anyone how you were feeling, nobody would understand, not able to look beyond the life of a Princess. They all saw what they were meant to see, a Prince and Princess in love who would one day rule the kingdom of Camelot. Even the thought of you and Arthur not loving each other, of you hating your life in the castle walls would seem unfathomable.

You had no idea how long you sat against the tree for, staring out into the water but eventually you were startled out of your thoughts when you heard leaves crunching nearby. You stayed silent, hoping it was just an animal and you hadn’t wandered out far enough for any bandits to be skulking around.

Your heartbeat seemed to speed up when you saw a familiar figure emerge from the trees and you couldn’t stop the pull of your lips into a small grin.

“Wasn’t sure if you’d want company.” Merlin said by way of greeting, a smile mirrored back as he came close and sat down next to you, close enough that your shoulders brushed as he set a basket down in front of you. “But I brought you some food.”

“Thank you.” You said softly, keeping your eyes on him instead of the food. “You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to. Arthur said you weren’t feeling well but when I asked Gaius he said you hadn’t been by, don’t worry though I told him that if Arthur asked to say you had. Is everything ok?” Merlin asked as he pulled some fruit out of the basket and set it on the blanket he had been carrying.

You stayed silent, not knowing how to answer that question without lying. You didn’t want to lie to Merlin but you could hardly tell him the truth, though you longed to but he was Arthur’s servant, it wouldn’t be fair to put him in a position of keeping secrets for you.

Merlin turned to face you when you didn’t answer, seeing the sad look that you frequently wore when surrounded by Arthur and the other royals. Merlin hated to see that look, it hurt his heart each time he did but what could he do? He couldn’t give you the life you deserved, you were a Princess, the future Queen of Camelot, Merlin was always going to be beneath you.

He knew Arthur’s marriage to you was nothing more than an agreement between two kingdoms, a way to keep trade and peace for another generation. He hated that to meet you you had to marry another, Merlin knew your mind, it was brilliant and it was going to waste at Arthur’s side.

Merlin wasn’t a selfish man. He’d do anything to help Arthur, he’d give his life for the other man every chance he got if it meant Arthur would be safe. Merlin wasn’t selfish but he longed for you, he wanted every part of you for himself. For months he had watched you, pined for you and you were so close and yet he could never quite reach you.

You don’t know where the sudden stinging of tears came from, one second you were keeping your emotions tightly locked up and the next a single tear escaped your eye and slid down your cheek. Maybe it was the soft sympathetic way Merlin was looking at you, like he knew how much weight was on your shoulders, forcing you under until you couldn’t breathe or maybe it was just finally too much for you to handle.

Merlin felt his heartbreak for you when he noticed the tear and reached out a hand to take yours gently, his fingers entwined with yours and his thumb brushed against your skin. He knew he shouldn’t have enjoyed the feeling of your hand in his as much as he did but he still let himself savour the feeling, not knowing when or if he’d get the chance again.

Your eyes were immediately drawn down to your hands before you scrunched your eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. Merlin’s hands were cold in yours but the touch seemed to ignite a fire within you. It was wrong to want Merlin so badly, your life already promised to Arthur and yet here Merlin was, so deeply embedded in your every thought, haunting your dreams and your waking hours.

You both wanted more, the simple touch of your hands waking the flame of wanting that was too loud to ignore. Merlin swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat, desperate to do something more, to steal one more moment of you for himself, consequences be damned. You pleaded to any greater being that would listen, begging for Merlin to do anything, to give into what you both wanted.

You tore your gaze from your joined hands and looked to Merlin, his pupils so wide you could barely see the ring of blue around it. Merlin’s eyes were drawn to your lips, watching as your tongue poked out to wet them and he couldn’t stop himself from leaning in towards you.

He paused when his face was close enough that you could feel his breath against your face, waiting to see if you would pull away but you didn’t move away. You’d waited for so long, dreamt about what it would be like to finally give into temptation, to be selfish for once and not put your people or your duties above yourself.

Merlin’s free hand came up to lightly cup your cheek, his thumb brushing against your skin as he tilted your face upwards slightly. You were sure he could hear your heart threatening to beat right out of your chest as you waited for him to close the distance between you.

Merlin didn’t second guess himself, didn’t give himself a chance to overthink what a terrible idea this would be. You were the Princess, the future Queen of Camelot and he was just a servant, a servant who was already hiding a secret that would get him killed so what was one more secret and what a secret it would be having felt your lips against his.

He couldn’t wait any longer, had waited long enough. He didn’t rush when he pressed his lips to yours, practically shuddering into the kiss as he felt a thrill of sparks shoot through him. His hand still on your cheek pulled you closer and you followed without hesitation.

This kiss wasn’t hurried, it was soft and filled with longing but it didn’t stay that way for long. After a few moments the kiss turned greedy, both of you suddenly desperate for more, more, more. It had been months, bordering on a year of secret glances and quiet pining and now you finally had each other.

Merlin’s hands slid into your hair and you moaned into the kiss as his fist closed around the strands whilst your hands ended up on Merlin’s chest, smoothing your palms against him. Merlin tugged you into his lap without breaking the kiss and you let him guide you onto him, moaning softly into the kiss and unable to help yourself from grinding down onto him.

Everything from that moment on was a hurried mess of limbs, the pair of you exploring every inch of each other. Merlin’s hands running up and down your body, touching what should have been Arthur’s. You knew you could never go back to the pining, the longing stares, you may have promised yourself to Arthur but you would always be Merlin’s.

From that day on you and Merlin made a choice, one that if anybody found out would see you both facing severe punishments but the risk was worth it for the stolen moments alone with each other. It was intoxicating, sneaking out of the castle and hiding away with Merlin, being able to hold his hand, to kiss him, to have him hold you as the hours passed by.

It was hard coming back to the castle, to sit for a court session, Arthur’s hand in yours whilst your eyes caught Merlin and the two of you shared smiles and held silent conversations from across the room. When it was just the three of you in Arthur’s chambers, Merlin pottering about as Arthur sat beside you, talking about something you couldn’t focus on because you’d rather be anywhere else with Merlin.

It went on for months, the sneaking around and it was the first time since your marriage, since you arrived in Camelot, that you felt truly alive, that you weren’t just waking up to a miserable life, you finally had something to look forward to. Even if you and Merlin couldn’t get out of the castle, just seeing those blue eyes looking back at you was enough.

You did wonder why Merlin seemed so eager to be in this relationship, cursed to have it hidden from the world, cursed to never be able to live the lives you wanted because of your marriage to Arthur. You never broached the topic with him though, you never wanted to discuss the matter when you were alone with Merlin, more than content and more than distracted by the man’s presence to even think of Arthur.

Merlin had been away with Arthur for three days and you missed him greatly. Guinevere had come by Arthur’s chambers plenty of times during those few days, chattering about how she was sure you were missing Arthur’s company. You let her talk though, not daring to tell her you hadn’t thought of your husband once since he’d left for his hunting trip, instead your thoughts had been filled with opal eyes and secret meetings.

When they returned it was almost night fall and Merlin prepared a late meal for Arthur not long after. You were practically itching to get a moment alone with Merlin after not seeing him for days and whilst Arthur was occupied with his food you moved around the room, brushing past Merlin.

“Meet me at our spot in an hour.” You whispered softly, the words only for him to hear and as you moved away you looked behind you to see him smiling ahead and he nodded without looking at you.

Arthur was eager to get to bed after eating and dismissed Merlin who left the room with only one glance back over his shoulder at you. The minutes ticked by and you lay still under you felt Arthur relax completely, his breathing evening out. You didn’t move straight away, not wanting to wake him and having to come up with an excuse as to what you were doing.

You left it for twenty more minutes before climbing out of the bed as silently as possible and slipping into a pair of shoes, not bothering to change and only slipping a cloak over your night clothes. You weren’t planning on running into anybody but Merlin anyway.

There were plenty of guards on duty and you only had the soft glow of the moon to aid you in moving around when the coast was clear. The spring air was cool when you finally snuck your way out of the castle, heading down the old familiar path towards the lake that had quickly become yours and Merlin’s spot.

Merlin was already waiting for you and you wasted no time falling into his arms, letting him pull you in for a hurried kiss, your arms around his waist, his hands cupping your cheeks. You whispered a soft greeting against his lips and watched a smile spread across his face as the two of you lay on the blanket Merlin had brought with him.

It was a quiet night, the occasional rustling of the leaves, an animal moving well off in the distance could be heard. The sky was clear and littered with stars, each reflecting from the lake in front of you. The wisteria tree was bright against the moonlight, in full bloom in the spring weather.

It was peaceful. You wished you could have these moments with Merlin all the time, wished you didn't have to sneak around for them. You let your thoughts wander, dreaming of a life with Merlin far away from Camelot, from the pressures of royal life and all the expectations that came with it.

“Some days I just wish I could run away, you know?” You said softly, not lifting your head from Merlin’s chest. You felt his fingers pause in your hair for a second before they continued brushing through the strands. “My marriage was planned before I was even born, real love has never been something I thought I could have so I never even dared to let myself dream about it.”

“Would you run away?” Merlin asked and you frowned because your initial answer was yes, of course you would in a heartbeat but deep down…

“I don’t know.” You sighed. “I dream about it all the time, about leaving behind everything I’ve ever known but then I think about how much my people would suffer.”

Merlin stayed silent for a long moment, the two of you content with the quiet as your thoughts ran wild. You pondered over if you would run away if Merlin asked, would you let yourself be selfish? You thought you could and didn’t know how to feel about it. You knew Merlin wouldn’t ask though, he wouldn’t put you in such a position where you’d have to make that decision and truthfully you weren’t sure Merlin would ever leave.

Despite everything happening between the two of you, despite the fact you were both sneaking around behind Arthur’s back, Merlin was still fiercely loyal to Arthur. Whenever you asked about it Merlin just shrugged and got a far away look on his face before telling you that he was sure Arthur would be a great King one day and he believed in the future Arthur would bring.

Plenty of people had said it to you over the year you’d been at Arthur’s side and you knew that most people just said it because it was the polite thing to say, the right thing to say about their future King. When Merlin said it though you truly believed it, you could see how much he believed it, how much he believed in Arthur. It was like he had seen the future Arthur would bring to Camelot, so convinced in whatever Arthur was going to do.

It made you feel torn, Merlin was obviously so loyal to Arthur and yet this relationship threatened theirs. It wasn’t that you and Arthur loved each other but he was your husband and both of you knew the importance of appearance both publicly and behind closed doors. As future heir to the throne Arthur couldn’t have a wife only to show off publicly, he needed a wife that was only his all the time.

You wished things had been different for both of you, that you could be free to love Merlin and that Arthur had the chance to find somebody he truly loved, who would proudly stand by his side bursting with how much love they had for him. You both deserved more than you had but these were the cards you’d been dealt and you had to live with them.

You had Merlin in the only way you could and you couldn’t give that up, you’d be damned before you willingly left him.

“You said real love.” Merlin suddenly said, his voice soft, barely above a whisper but you heard him clearly. “Is that what this is, real love?”

You froze for a moment, not realising your earlier words but seconds later you relaxed against him before moving around so you were face to face with him and you could see the smile on his face.

“Yes, I’d like to say so anyway.” You said whilst matching the quietness of his voice.

Merlin’s hand came up to brush your cheek before he pulled you close to him, him meeting you halfway, pausing before your lips could meet.

“I love you too, Y/N. I wish I had more to offer you but-” Merlin told you but you cut him off with a gentle kiss.

“You’ve given me more than I could ever have hoped for, Merlin.” You whispered, pulling back far enough to look up at him and he could see the sincerity in your eyes. “I thought for so long that my destiny was to just be lonely. Before you I was wandering the halls of that castle like a ghost, mourning a life that would never be, then you kissed me and I fell in love with you and everything was different, better. No matter how much we wish it could change, it’s worth it to be with you because I love you.”

“One day things will be different.” Merlin promised before pulling you into another kiss and you prayed he was right but for now, now these moments were enough, this love was enough.

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- ivy