Champion Of Cyrodiil - Tumblr Posts
Elder Scrolls Madlibs pt.2
The Bosmer girl was tired. She had just offed the chump of the Coliseum, I mean the Imperial fighting hole and she took his dysfunctional siphon along with that a de carbonizing fan of an error message named onion head. Whenever she would go near him he would go ‘by Azura, buy a zucchini, buy azathioprine! It’s the grand graphics! Oh I can’t believe it’s you, dabbing here next to me!’’ That little funky fraud was following her and sickening her all week.
She also got an creepy message that said ‘your modding has been observed by devices unknown’.
‘Uh...Ok’’ she thought looking at the creepy script that dished itself at the upper left of the screen, ‘that was rather supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!’... Not to mention that back in Oblivion someone was waiting for this line and then started dancing with watermelons out of his pure joy.
Thankfully, after rescuing some stocky blokes from their own talking giant sweetrolls that they got from a shifty wizard, she was about to level up. After slapping the adorable dork for one last time, she dismissed him and checked into a nice hotel in Bravil. She paid 30 $eptim$ for a room but felt a strange shadow in the area as she was falling sleep.
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She was traveling to cloud ruler club on a rainy afternoon. Baurus and the others were sitting in a corner dying their underwear and looking rather disturbed. She tried to talk to him but all he said was ‘let them have fake gizmos, we offer fast dysfunction...Don’t miss the cardboard council of the fisheries’
She quoted her unavoidable fan ‘By Azula!’. It certainly looked like they had all been tickled by the intoxicated tiny giraffe cultists of Clavicus Vile!
She went to see Jauffre who was in the main hall but he was reading the rarest book on Nirn he had the red fox ‘borrow’ from Manimarko for him, that was the original edition of the Epic of John-boy, the Ebony Mudcrab, and was shushing her whenever she opened her mouth to try and ask about Martin.
Then, she heard loud and strange noises from upstairs. She barged into Martin’s room and what she saw was ‘un-unseeable’.
There, on a table, stood a high Martin failing to make a cool pose, wearing a red bikini and holding a tanker full of some weird liquid. ‘‘ Hey babe! Check out the new drink I just invented in honour of my old pal, Sam Guevene! I shall call it.... Martini! Shhh.... It has Skooma in it! Want some? But... BUT...shhhhShhh... Don’t tell the Joff-Joff, he ain’t rad ‘nough fah dis!’
She was about to say something witty but then , out of nowhere, came a pink Dagon, dressed like a paradoxical Christmass tree and Martin turned into a statue of a golden dragon. His last word were were ‘See?! It’s so good that it turns yah into a ledz... legendary golden slug! Haha ! Lol...GASP... Marty out!
# Martini # Dragongod # the last septim # So long Oblivion # gold.”
To be continued....
Elder Scrolls Madlibs pt.3
She woke up at 3 a.m, stagnating and sweating tequila, remembering the awesome end of her best friend she might have had cygnets for. It slurped to remember.
She cynically sat up on the bed and became aware of a debugged, hooded figure in the room. She saw a guy wearing a suit, looking creepy and full of cold beer.
With a noble smile on his face, he started “You deduce rather gaily for a killer... That’s CAPITAL, lass! You’ll need a clear magnetic field for what I’m about to cook up.”
The Bosmer is as loud as Ariel on her first 3 days as a human.
“You prefer drugs, then? As do I, dear child, as do I. Good, now that I got your number, let me fight myself...I am Lucien Lachance, speaker for the death-eaters brotherhood and YOU...”, he pointed abruptly at her “are a FISH!... The dweeb mother has been watching you. Observing as you dab without grocery or remorse. The dweeb mother is most pleased!... That is why I vent here before you; I come with a guide, an i-phone to join our rather hedonistic family...
SURPRISE
He didn't even allowed me to speak to him :(
*holds out bowel* pls sir, may i have some more?
Daedra of Kvatch Headcannons
I've decided to post some Headcannons of what I think the Hero of Kvatch is like in my AU. If you want more, or have any of your own, feel free to say something.
He has to have at least one signifier of his status as Sheogorath at all times, be it white hair, white eyes, the staff of Sheogorath or whatever.
He is usually a very fun person, being giddy if a bit Manic, but when those he loves or are sworn to protect are in danger, his enemies quickly learn why his realm is split in two.
He is constantly approached by mad men and women who sing his praises, give him offerings, state their prayers. He usually waves them off, telling them to go away, but when people aren't looking, he places his hand on their heads and tells them "may you find you place in New Sheoth" and leaves them to their madness.
He actively tries to hide his Godhood from the people of the Empire, could you imagine how they would feel knowing that their Hero and the husband of their Emperor was a Daedric Prince? And the Prince of Madness non the less.
He was made a General of the Imperial Legion because of his bravery while protecting his Emperor from the hordes of Daedra during the Battle of Bruma.
It becomes exceptionally hard for him, Martin, Ocato and Joeffre to hide his Godhood from the people.
During the Battle of Bruma, when the Daedra swarmed out of the gates, some of the Lesser Daedra, like Clannfear, Hungers, and Scamps, refused to attack him as they could sense his power and didn't understand that he was not their leader, but their enemy.
Also, during the Battle, when Martin got hit by a Dremora arrow HoK snapped. He summoned an army of Saints and Seducers to destroy the horde of Dremora.
He spent most of the Battle glued next to Martin, making sure no more arrows touched him as they were surrounded by a circle of Saints and Seducers, blocking the swords, laces, and axes of the Dremora.
HoK tells the people that his unnaturally white hair was caused by his mother being exposed to powerful magicks while she was with child, which also gave him his natural talent for Conjuration magick.
Some times, HoK's humanity disappears completely and he truly becomes Sheogorath. On these occasions, Martin doesn't sleep as he is kept up wondering whether he will see his love again.
At night, HoK will lie awake, Martin in his arms, thinking about the future. HoK is going to outlive his mortal husband, but can he really bear watching him die? Watching the person who you love more than anything die would be too much for even the God of Madness to handle.
The Elder Council is very critical of their relationship. Their main criticisms are 1. There is no way for Martin to have an heir. 2. HoK is clearly mentally unstable. 3. Why is HoK disappearing randomly? 4. Is it really safe to have such a powerful and insane Wizard be this close to the Emperor?
As the God of Madness, HoK goes through days where he suffers through a random mental illness or disorder, but on much high levels than anything a mortal would feel. Just imagine how bad the depression or anxiety would have to be to be considered crippling for a God.
Even before he was Sheogorath, HoK had bad anxiety, so when the Council criticizes him, he spends hours in his room wondering if they're right. If he's not fit to be Emperor. If hes not right for Martin. What if he keeps being Emperor and he loses control and accidentally destroys the city? Or worse, Martin.
The Strange Door was moved from Bravil to the Imperial City, being hidden inside HoK's chambers and disguised as a Magicka Font.
He actually joined the Mages Guild. It was mainly so he could back up his ploy of being a mage, but he also wanted to find any books he could on Sheogorath, Jyggalag, the Greymarch, Mantaling, and Daedric Princes.
He spends so much time in the Imperial City, that Haskill had joined the Elder Council and the Palace guards have had a few Saints and Seducers join their ranks posing as High Elves and Dark Elves.
He actually does want to have children with Martin, but he doesn't know if it's possible so he won't mention anything to him.
When Martin lit the Dragonfire, it caused a physical sickness to overtake HoK, Haskill, and all the Saints and Seducers in the Guards.
The official statement was food poisoning, but rumors had started to spread.
Martin stayed up all night, holding his beloved as HoK convulsed in pain, not being able to sleep because of it.
The only times Martin left his side was when he prayed to Akatosh to relieve his love of his suffering, to let him survive it.
This went on for 3 months but it had finally ended. HoK, Haskill and all of the Guards were perfectly fine, with no physical or spiritual side effects.
Martin was so grateful that he set up an altar to Akatosh inside his own bedchambers, right next to the one he has to Sheogorath.
Martin had HoK appoint 8 new members of the Elder Council so he would at least have some people with him. His choices were Haskill, the Dark Seducer Captain, the Golden Saint Captain, the Duke of Dementia Klarion, the Duchess of Mania Hyebe, the Champion of Cyrodiil, Relmyna Verenim, and Sheldon the Mayor of Passwall.
Count Janus Hassildor of Skingrad is the only person on tue Elder Council who isn't from the Shivering Isles, and isnt one of HoK's closest friends that knows of his title. The two share a mutual understanding with each other. HoK wont tell anyone about Janus being a vampire, and Janus won't tell anyone that HoK is Sheogorath.
The relationship between the two is made of the begrudging respect that HoK feels toeards Janus, and the fear and amazement that Janus feels towards HoK.
When the two first met, Martin asked HoK if him and Janus used to date by the way they were staring at each other. HoK told Martin the truth, but also told him that he had nothing to worry about. Martin found it hilarious that one of the Emperor's was a Daedric Prince and one of the Countss was a vampire. That was, after he stopped panicking.
HoK thought it best to not say anything about the Coumt of Anvil being the Grey Fox for a time. Dont want Martin burting a blood vessel or anything.
Thanks for reading, and like I said, if you want more just ask.
