Coming Into Bloom - Tumblr Posts

I fractured at 9.

The fault lines had been there for years;

Etching their way through my mind

Laying the foundation as it were

For my future instabilities.

A broken home

Emotional abuse

Neuordivergent in all directions.

I wasn't all that functional as a child

But I was 9 when it finally cracked.

Throw in religious iconography

Delusional obsession fueled by ADHD

And you get an inflamed consciousness too active for its own good.

Withdrawn

I existed inside a mindscape where God abused me daily

And only my own fractured psyche kept me company.

Came back together at 11

Dissociating was becoming the norm.

Newer iterations

Divergent personalities.

Destructive

I broke again at 17.

Back together and thriving at 21.

24 and being on the cusp of being whole.

25

And fracturing once more.

Patterns eating patterns.

Reality something I could rarely hold.

Months were lost

Unable to tell what was real

Who I was

Or what I was doing.

Inflamed beyond my own comprehension.

That was when we all made contact.

The various personalities and myself

Broken up through time

Different incarnations of a present theme.

A host

A fixation

A central gravity well

Drawing in the parts.

Put back together again

Another identity

That gave rise to me.

Myself birthing myself

Breaking chains and loving me.

For the first time in life

Existing without a mask.

Decades of hiding done away with

And for the first time

An honest stability.

I have really bad days still,

And I can't say if I personally will still be around in a year.

I've been trapped in cycle of reincarnation within my own body for so long.

2-3 years is all we usually ever get

But becoming who we are today

Has been in the works far longer than my own current awareness.

Had a rough weekend.

Felt those disassociative tendrils feeling for something to hold.

It can be easy to give in

Especially when my sense of what is real

Is so often warped.

Still here

Numb

But still breathing.

Head is spinning

Thoughts racing

But able to find strength

In the knowledge of being myself.

Overcoming a lot of adversity right now.

Change on every front

With no clear path forward in every facet.

Trying

Because that is all I known to do.

Reaching out

Trying to find touch.