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With Me
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Prompt - "I didn't know where else to go."
Things had been bad for a while.
You’d noticed things within the Order had started turning, noticed the Master’s had started turning a blind eye to things they usually would never have let pass. The war had dragged on for years, everyone was tired, everyone felt older than their age.
You knew things were bad, knew supplies must have been stretched thin, when you were sent on your own mission. You were still only a Padawan, granted you probably should have transitioned into Knighthood by now but with the war that was the last thing on anybody’s mind, but you were still a Padawan.
You shouldn’t have been leading a battalion.
It was bad enough being entrusted with the lives of all these men, each of them looking to you for answers you didn’t have. You couldn’t contact your own Master, he was far away on another planet leading his own men.
You were on your own.
The battle was bad. It was a bloodbath. You had barely come out of it with your life, four days fighting non stop only to come out without a victory and with the lives of many men on your shoulders.
The only reason you had come out alive is because you called so strongly upon the Force you were certain you’d touched the Dark Side. You could still feel it thick in your veins but by the end of four days you were too tired to care.
You sat on your bunk on the way back to Coruscant, feeling numb. There were no words to make it better, nothing you said could comfort the remaining men on the ship. You’d already been called to the meeting room, expected to fill the Council in once you arrived.
You weren’t exactly thrilled to be going before the Council. You could still feel the dirt on your clothes, the blood on your face, aches spread throughout your whole body and you were pretty sure you needed to see a medic but you were so numb to everything that it didn’t matter.
Eventually the ship landed, you stayed on your bunk for a long time before you managed to pull your tired body up, somehow forcing one foot in front of the other until you found yourself in the middle of the Council room.
Master Yoda had been talking for some time, filling the other members in on your mission and informing them that he felt a disturbance in the Force.
“The Dark Side, did you touch?” Master Yoda finally addressed you.
It took you a moment longer than it should have to realise the attention was fully on you and you managed to shake yourself back to reality, looking around the room to see the majority of the Master’s looking at you with mistrust and disgust. You couldn’t help the stinging in your eyes when you saw your Master’s seat was empty.
“Yes.” You forced the word out, too exhausted to care anymore.
Master Yoda started talking again but you drowned him and the other Master’s out as they began to discuss your fate. You wanted to care what became of you, any other time you’d have fought hard to be heard but the war had drained you, you hadn’t seen your Master in so long, hadn’t trained properly in years, there was no community among the Jedi any more, your friends were scattered across the galaxy and you hardly had anyone to confide in anymore.
You couldn’t help but smile, a weak, barely there tug of the lip as you thought about the few people you did truly have in the galaxy.
Clone Force 99.
They had been brought in on plenty of your Master’s missions and you had been excited to meet them, back before the war had drained everything from you. Wrecker had been the easiest to get along with, especially once he saw your knack for blowing things up. Wrecker was the best to go to when you needed cheering up, when you needed someone to shoulder the weight on your back with you.
Hunter and you worked well together. It might have taken him a second to warm up to you, to welcome you as one of his but once he had, stars help anyone who tried to hurt you. You gravitated toward Hunter when you needed advice, when you needed to vent, when you needed someone to ground you. Hunter felt like everything your Master used to be, back when you were a child, back before the war became the only thing that mattered.
Tech had taken the longest to warm up to you. You hadn’t minded though, you understood that their whole lives had been just them, the regs didn’t exactly treat them well. Letting somebody else in for somebody like Tech was a big step. You’d manage to earn his trust though, letting him ramble on about things you didn’t understand, brushing away the others when they told Tech to calm down. You’d let Tech teach you about the ship, about the blasters, about your lightsaber and slowly he let you in, seeking you out on his own and the good thing about Tech was he didn’t expect anything from you. He was content for you to sit and watch him tinker away whilst he filled the silence without needing a reply.
You loved them, some days they were the only thing that stopped you from going rouge, from leaving the war behind.
It was Crosshair that kept you going though. Whilst Hunter and Wrecker had warmed up to you easily enough, Crosshair had kept his distance. He’d look at you from across the room with a scowl on his face, he’d grunt at you instead of giving you an actual response and he just about drove you crazy.
You loved him anyway.
It had taken you nearly dying for him to admit he didn’t hate you as you’d originally thought, he just hadn’t wanted to like you as much as he did. Crosshair was used to what he had, much like Tech was. He didn’t want to care about somebody else and yet you made it impossible for him not to.
Once Crosshair finally let himself admit that he liked you it was like something in the galaxy itself shifted. Clone Force 99 was brought onto more and more of your missions and you found yourself staying in the Marauder more than your own quarters. You and Crosshair worked like you’d been working together your whole lives, you didn’t need to talk, able to communicate through looks and work your way through whatever obstacles stood between you and your goal like it was nothing.
It was only a matter of time before you felt yourself falling from the sniper.
At first it terrified you, sure you’d looked at people before, could appreciate that they were attractive but you’d never wanted to act on it. Never had to force your eyes away from their lips, fixated on how Crosshair fiddled with the toothpick in his mouth. Never had to snap yourself back into a conversation so much because you were too focused on his hands as he cleaned his weapon.
Everything about Crosshair was intoxicating, it was consuming. Most days it felt so easy to lay your head on his shoulder, to forget that outside the walls of the Marauder there was a war happening. Most days you could sit at his side, listening to the sound of his voice as you let him lull you to sleep.
Everything about Crosshair was everything the Jedi Code forbade.
“Dismissed you are, from the Jedi Order.” Master Yoda’s voice had you flinching out of your thoughts, mouth falling open to protest the sentence only to snap back shut again.
Did you care enough to fight the punishment?
What would you do?
You didn’t argue, didn’t say a word. Some of the Jedi looked sympathetic as you bowed your head before turning from the room, leaving silently.
You made your way through the Temple, no real destination in mind as you stared ahead. You felt more than realised you were outside when the fresh air hit your face, it was dark out now, you’d been standing before the Council for hours.
What would you do?
You didn’t know. You let your feet carry you, not sure where you were heading but knowing you had to get away from the Temple.
You couldn’t say how long you’d been walking aimlessly for, only that at some point the rain had come flooding down and your feet ached.
Eventually you came to a stop, not even really realising you had for a moment until you blinked back to reality and felt a choked sob escape you at the sight before you, surprised you hadn’t ended up here earlier. You couldn’t blame yourself though, your thoughts weren’t there clearest right now.
Apparently seeing a familiar sight was enough to send you over the edge, bringing the floodgates down and sending tears down your face. You let yourself stand there, letting your tears mix with the rain still falling heavily from the dark clouds above, just staring at the Marauder and feeling a sense of relief, a sense of finally being home.
Eventually you forced your fist to knock at the door.
Crosshair frowned at the sound of a knock, barely audible over the sound of the rain coming down. The others were asleep by now, readying themselves for an early start on yet another mission.
He waited a moment but curiosity got the better of him and he forced himself up. When the door opened his heart ached at the sight of you, soaked through your clothes and silent sobs wracking your body.
“I didn’t know where else to go.” You choked out before Crosshair had the chance to ask what had happened.
He didn’t waste any time stepping out into the rain and wrapping his arm around you, pulling you into the warmth and safety of the Marauder. More sobs escaped you as you entered, being encompassed by the only home you had left.
“I’ll be back, wait there darling.” Crosshair instructed as he sat you down and you could only nod, watching as he busied himself with making a hot pot of caff before leaving the room.
Crosshair made his way over to Tech’s things, you were more his size than Crosshair’s but he did stop to grab his own blanket before making his way back to you, snatching a towel from Hunter’s things as he passed.
“Let’s get you dry.” He murmured, kneeling down next to you and helping you out of your soaked clothes.
Any other time he would have savoured the feeling of peeling your clothes off but now he was only methodical, trying them to the side and drying your body with the towel before he helped you into Tech’s blacks and wrapped the blanket around you.
Crosshair stood up, ready to make you a hot cup of caff when he was stopped by your hand gripping his. He looked down at you, hating the lost look on your face.
“What happened?” Crosshair asked, his voice low as he knelt back down in between your knees, taking your other hand in his and looking into your eyes. The question of who did he have to hurt was heard clearly, even if it wasn’t said out loud.
“They kicked me out of the Order.” You told him quietly, playing with his long fingers as you spoke. “It doesn’t matter, I’m not even upset about it.”
Crosshair gave you a doubtful look and you couldn’t help but laugh, though it sounded more like a sob.
“I know it doesn’t look that way but…the Order, it’s all I’ve ever known. I don’t know what I am without it. That’s the scary part. I don’t know where I belong.” You confessed, looking away from Crosshair and down at your joined hands.
“With me.” Crosshair said before he could stop himself but even when the words registered he didn’t take them back. “You belong here. You belong with me.”
///
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Requested - @cc--2224 as part of @cloneficgiftexchange
Prompt - "Well, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, okay? But it happened and I can’t do anything about it.” “You... What?” & "I never wanted anyone to feel bad for me, especially not you"
The sun streaming through the windows did little to fight against the coldness he felt, he knew the room was warm, he knew the cold he felt deep in his bones wasn’t there and yet he couldn’t fight the shivers that wracked his body. It didn’t matter that he could see the small room his brother’s had shown him to once they landed on the planet, in his mind he was still there, still in that cold, small cell with no hope of escaping.
He’d been there for so long, long enough that he had lost track of the days. He could have planned an escape, could have made some attempt to leave their torture but what for? There was nothing waiting for him outside of his cell anymore.
Gone was his relationship with his brothers, gone was the easy back and forth banter with Wrecker, gone were the late night talks with Hunter, gone were the days him and Tech would sit together, his brother’s voice filling the silence without expecting anything back from Crosshair, gone was Echo’s steady presence, at his side whenever he needed it.
Gone were you.
Gone were the early mornings when the rest of his brothers were still asleep, only you and Crosshair awake in the cockpit holding a warm cup of caff and filling the space with softly spoken conversation. Gone were the days spent trying to stick by your side, gone were the stolen glances and lingering touches, gone was sneaking away after missions to explore together, gone were the chances he took to watch you smile, gone was the promise he’d tell you how he felt tomorrow.
Crosshair had run out of tomorrow’s a long time ago.
After all he had done, all the pain he had put his brothers through, the pain he had put you through, this was the least he deserved.
And so when the chance came to make his escape, to leave the pain and the torture behind he hesitated. The cell door was open, it would be so easy to leave and yet he hesitated.
If the kid hadn’t been there, if her life didn’t depend on him getting her out he knows he would have stayed where he was, he would have rotted in that cell for as long as they decided he was useful alive.
Now he was free and somehow he felt more confined than ever. It wasn’t just because Hunter wouldn’t take his eyes off him, it wasn’t because Wrecker hovered or the fact Omega had seemed to attach herself to him. It didn’t even have anything to do with the fact that you were here, stars above Crosshair couldn’t think of a time he would ever have ignored your presence and yet now he did everything to stay away from you, not able to face you yet.
No, it wasn’t because of you or his brothers that Crosshair felt confined. It was because he didn’t deserve this freedom, in his head he was still in the cold cell, destined to rot away.
Crosshair stood from the floor, unable to lay there any longer. The room had a bed tucked against the wall but Crosshair had only managed about ten minutes of tossing and turning on it before he gave the bed up for the floor, the bed too soft compared to what he had become used to.
Everyone else was still asleep as he made his way outside, no real destination in mind. His feet carried him through side streets until they grew sore and only then did he make his way back, stopping not too far away from where the others were to sit on the sand, the sun shining blindingly on the water.
He didn’t deserve to be here.
“I used to come here.” A voice interrupted him some time later, a voice he recognised all too well. “It’s quiet, no one ever comes here.”
Crosshair didn’t turn to look at you, he couldn’t bring himself to do it but when you sat next to him it was too much. He went to stand but your hand softly grabbing his stopped him.
“Please stop running away.” You pleaded softly and Crosshair didn’t have to look at you to know your eyes were teary but he did anyway, his heart aching for having made you this way.
“I can’t do this.” He told you quietly, forcing his gaze away from yours and looking back out at the water.
“I don’t know what happened to you,” You said after a moment's silence and Crosshair balled his hand into a fist, silently begging you to stop talking. “I don’t know what they did to you and you don’t have to tell me but-”
“But nothing.” He spat angrily, glaring at the sea and instantly hating himself for lashing out at you, so he tried again, softer this time. “But nothing. What they did to me was nothing less than I deserved.”
“Don’t say that.” You said, head shaking as you tried to compose yourself.
“It’s the truth, I tried to kill you, kill my brothers…I hurt you all and for what? For the Empire to throw my loyalty in my face.” Crosshair shrugged.
“For what it’s worth, I never gave up on you.” You told Crosshair, looking away from him as you spoke. “It didn’t matter what you did, how far you strayed from us, I never gave up on you.”
“You should have.” He muttered. “Everyone else did, Hunter doesn’t trust me, Wrecker wants to but he knows I’m nothing more than a lost cause.”
“That’s not true. Hunter’s just being Hunter, he needs time to adjust, needs time to figure things out in his head and then he’ll want to talk to you. Yeah you’re both gonna throw out words you don’t mean, maybe a punch or two but after that…it’s Hunter, he’s glad you’re back. As for Wrecker he wants to come to you, you know that as much as I do but he’s scared, he doesn’t want to spook you so he’s waiting for you to make the first move.” You explained, keeping your voice soft, not turning to face Crosshair as he turned to look at you.
“What about you?” He finally asked, voice barely above a whisper.
“I was with Wrecker. I kept my distance and waited to see what your move was. Turns out your move was to avoid everyone.” You laughed and Crosshair felt himself relax a little, the sound one he hadn't heard in so long and it somehow managed to push out some of the cold he felt. “I feel for you, Cross, I do. Stars only know what the Empire did to you but you’re free now, don’t let them win, don’t shut us out.”
“I never wanted anyone to feel bad for me, especially not you.” Crosshair said after a long pause of silence and you laughed again.
“We all feel bad for you, despite everything you’re one of us.” You told him so sincerely that Crosshair felt like he’d been punched in the stomach at the speed his breath was stolen from him.
You turned to face him, a small smile on your face and you hesitated for only a moment before you reached out and took his hand in yours, entwining your fingers together.
“I don’t deserve any of this,” Crosshair forced out and you smiled at him softly. “I don’t deserve you, you should be running away from me, leave me behind and move on.”
“Well, I’m sorry but I fell in love with you, okay?” You told him, watching as his eyes widened in complete disbelief. “It happened and I can’t do anything about it.”
“You…what?” Crosshair choked, for so long he had dreamed of you and him, of a life where you could possibly want him but it was such a far off dream, something that would never become a reality and now you were saying the words he had longed to hear for years.
“You’re stuck with me, Cross, I’m not going anywhere, I’m not running away. You’re it for me, always have been.” You said, laughing as a tear or two managed to slip down your cheek and Crosshair only second guessed himself for a moment before his hand cupped your cheek and he softly brushed the tears away, his thumb caressing your cheek bone.
“I don’t deserve you.” He repeated and you smiled brightly at him. “But I will spend the rest of my life trying.”
“I love you.” You told him again, watching as his eyes became watery and he rested his forehead against yours.
“I love you too, so much.” He choked out and you couldn’t stop yourself from closing the small distance between the two of you, Crosshair not hesitating to meet you in the middle.
Crosshair’s hand on your cheek moved to your hair, pulling you impossibly closer as he kissed you, savouring every second of the feeling, something he had longed for and convinced himself he could never have.
Eventually the two of you needed to pull apart for air, breathing heavily but not going far from each other, foreheads together as you both smiled at the other.
For the first time in so long Crosshair didn’t feel a single bit of cold, his body was warm, his heart racing as he held you close. For the first time in a long time Crosshair didn’t feel numb, he didn’t feel pain or fear.
It felt like he was finally off that awful planet, it felt like he had finally left his cold cell behind and stepped into the daylight, able to feel the sun of Pabu for the first time and it was because of you, you were the source of this warmth, this love, this joy, this overwhelming relief that things would be better.
For the first time in a very long time Crosshair felt like things would be okay, he had you, he swore he’d make amends with his brothers, spend the rest of his life making up for everything, spend the rest of his life proving he was worthy of yours and his brother’s love. It felt easier, it felt doable with you at his side once again.
----
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