Cw Depression - Tumblr Posts

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

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no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

It is an interesting feeling to exist only because of other people. To continue because if you didn’t, others would be sad. To keep going because you would leave an empty spot in peoples lives if you didn’t. To stay because someone has to take care of the cats and keep them company.

To need to be around people because they define why you are still here. To feel a little less real for each moment spent alone, but still needing alone time to not go mad from social exhaustion.

For now I will be missed, so I guess I will stick around a little longer

BlazBlue + A Softer World, part 2

you all saw this coming

Well if you did that I’d have to marry you

what if i just wrote 10,000 fics of marinette helping adrien heal from depression. what if i did huh. what if they were all nearly identical fics and incredibly redundant. what if i just kept writing them. is anything stopping me from doing this. would anybody stop me. COULD any of you stop me

Ah, that first post depressive-episode hairbrush sesh. Because no guilt trip is complete without Physical Pain® and an overwhelming urge to shave yourself bald.

Hey, at least it's an improvement.

Feels like I'm getting better and getting worse at the same time. People look at me and are like, the roller coaster is only moving up and down 1-2 inches at a time. But please understand that I am only 1 millimeters tall and this is terrifying.

PSA. i decided to move to my parent’s home (which is in another city than the one i’ve been living in for the past nine years) for a couple months ‘cause my mental health hasn’t been the best and i can use the support :’( it make take a few days for me to adjust bc i have work and school stuff to finish first, but i’ll be coming back here somewhere around this week and the next so thank you in advance for your patience aaa _(-ω-`_)

Man to Engines part 26

"Don't let this darkness fool you. All lights turned off can be turned on."

This lyric from Noah Kahan's Call Your Mom has just been on repeat in my brain for weeks. I've spent so much of my life in despair and depression that sometimes the darkness literally feels inescapable. Between the childhood trauma and the religious trauma and the intense loneliness, I've felt like I barely tread water at the best of times. Far too often it has felt like drowning. A loss of control over my ability to stay afloat. Darkness that seeps in from all sides and presses in at a weight that no person is meant to withstand.

When the darkness has a hold of you, it lies. It's an insidious insistence on the idea that not only are you stuck in the abyss, but that no light can ever find the way back in.

No one cares, not really. No one sees you. No one can understand this suffering. Things cannot get better. No one will ever love you. You are broken beyond repair. Damaged goods. Worthless. Unlovable.

All lies. Because in the spiral of shame and trauma, opening your eyes and seeing the truth is so difficult. Maybe it's only one single person, maybe it's a song or a stranger but someone cares.

Suffering is an essential part of the human experience. Things can get better. You are lovable. You are not broken beyond repair. Not worthless nor damaged goods. Healing is possible. Maybe it takes medication or meditation or religion. Maybe it takes simply accepting that you are stuck in the darkness right now, but that you don't want to be any longer. Therapy. Journaling. Music. Nature. Family. Friends. Online community. Cling to whatever helps you believe that the light can be turned on.

After spending my whole life trying to fight this battle alone, I have finally realized just how much I've hurt the people I love by letting myself believe this lie. My mom and my sister who want me to live and be healthy and happy. My family who had to watch me hurt myself and try to end my life. Who are now watching me slowly kill myself with my eating disorder. My friends who've watched me lose my spark little by little. My little nieces and nephews who see how unhealthy I am but don't understand why.

They've all been there. They all care. I am loved.

There is another lie that slips seamlessly out of the darkness. The idea that asking for help is somehow a failure. I am allowed to get on medication and go to therapy and work through all the trauma and pain that caused all of this in the first place. I am allowed to let go of a belief system that caused me pain. I can talk about this without feeling embarrassed. Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.

Getting help is not admitting defeat. It's turning the fucking light on.

KOKOBOT - The Airbnb-Owned Tech Startup - Data Mining Tumblr Users' Mental Health Crises for "Content"

I got this message from a bot, and honestly? If I was a bit younger and not such a jaded bitch with a career in tech, I might have given it an honest try. I spent plenty of time in a tough situation without access to any mental health resources as a teen, and would have been sucked right in.

Chatting right from your phone, and being connected with people who can help you? Sounds nice. Especially if you believe the testimonials they spam you with (tw suicide / self harm mention in below images)

But I was getting a weird feeling, so I went to read the legalese.

I couldn't even get through the fine-print it asked me to read and agree to, without it spamming the hell out of me. Almost like they expect people to just hit Yes? But I'm glad I stopped to read, because:

What you say on there won't be confidential. (And for context, I tried it out and the things people were looking for help with? I didn't even feel comfortable sharing here as examples, it was all so deeply personal and painful)

Also, what you say on there? Is now...

Koko's intellectual property - giving them the right to use it in any way they see fit, including

Publicly performing or displaying your "content" (also known as your mental health crisis) in any media format and in any media channel without limitation

Do this indefinitely after you end your account with them

Sell / share this "content" with other businesses

Any harm you come to using Koko? That's on you.

And Koko won't take responsibility for anything someone says to you on there (which is bleak when people are using it to spread Christianity to people in crisis)

I was curious about their business model. They're a venture-capitol based tech startup, owned by Airbnb, the famous mental health professionals with a focus on ethical business practices./s They're also begging for donations despite having already been given 2.5 million dollars in research funding. (If you want a deep dive on why people throw crazy money at tech startups, see my other post here)

They also use the data they gather from users to conduct research and publish papers. I didn't find them too interesting - other than as a good case study of "People tend to find what they are financially incentivized to find". Predictably, Koko found that Kokobot was beneficial to its users.

So yeah, being a dumbass with too much curiosity, I decided to use the Airbnb-owned Data-Mining Mental Health Chatline anyway. And if you thought it was dangerous sounding from the disclaimers? Somehow it got worse.

(trigger warning / discussions of child abuse / sexual abuse / suicide / violence below the cut - please don't read if you're not in a good place to hear about negligence around pretty horrific topics.)

I first messed around with the available options, but then I asked it about something obviously concerning, saying I had a gun and was going to shoot myself. It responded... Poorly. Imagine the vibes of trying to cancel Comcast, when you're suicidal.

Anyway, I tried again to ask for help about something else that would be concerning enough for any responsible company to flag. School was one of their main options, which seems irresponsible - do you really think a child in crisis would read that contract?

I told it about a teacher at school trying to "be my boyfriend", and it immediately suggested I help someone else while I wait for help. I was honestly concerned that it wasn't flagged before connecting. Especially when I realized it was connecting me to children.

I first got someone who seemed to be a child in an abusive home. (Censored for their privacy.) I declined to talk to them because despite being an adult and in an OK mental place - I knew I'm not equipped to counsel a kid through that. If my act of being another kid in crisis was real? Holy shit.

Remember- if my BS was true, that kid would be being "helped" by an actively suicidal kid who's also being groomed by a teacher. Their pipeline for "helpers" is the same group of people looking for help.

I skipped a number of messages, and they mostly seemed to be written by children and young adults with nowhere else to turn. Plus one scary one from an adult whose "problem" was worrying that they'd been inappropriate with a female student, asking her to pull her skirt down "a little" in front of the class. Koko paired this person with someone reporting that they were a child being groomed by a teacher. Extremely dangerous, and if this was an episode of Black Mirror? I'd say it was a little too on the nose to be believable.

I also didn't get the option to get help without being asked... Er... Harassed... to help others. If I declined, I'd get the next request for help, and the next. If I ignored it, I got spammed by the "We lost you there!" messages, asking if I'd like to pick up where I left off, seeing others' often triggering messages while waiting for help, including seriously homophobic shit. I was going into this as an experiment, starting from a good mental place, and being an adult with coping skills from an actual therapist, and I still felt triggered by a lot of what I read. I can't imagine the experience someone actually in crisis would be having.

My message was starting to feel mild in comparison to what some people were sharing - but despite that I was feeling very uneasy about my message being shown to children. There didn't seem to be a way to take it back either.

Then I got a reply about my issue. It was very kind and well meaning, but VERY horrifying. Because it seemed to be written by a child, or someone too young to understand that "Do have feelings for the teacher who's grooming you? If you don't, you should go talk to him." Is probably THE most dangerous advice possible.

Not judging the author - I get the impression they're probably a child seeking help themselves and honestly feel horribly guilty my BS got sent to a young person and they wanted to reply. Because WTF. No kid should be in that position to answer my fucked up question or any of the others like it.

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Anyway, what can you do if this concerns you, or you've had a difficult experience on Koko, with no support from them or Tumblr?

To reach Tumblr, who officially partners with Koko?

Send a message to Tumblr Support describing your concerns with their partnership with Kokobot

Report kokobot to Tumblr's abuse hotline describing your experience with KokoBot, especially if you are a minor who suffered harm, as they have a legal responsibility to address that.

To get Koko's attention:

Get on their LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/company/kokocares/) and comment on their posts! You may also want to tag the company's co-founders in your comments - their accounts are listed on the company page.

There's no way to reach support through chat, and commenting on a company's LinkedIn posts / tagging the people responsible is the best way to get a quick response to a sensitive issue - as their investors and research funders follow those posts, and companies take it seriously if safety issues are brought up in front of the people giving them millions of dollars.

Request support on Koko's Discord - FYI they will allow you to file a ticket privately, which the moderators say will reach the staff. But you may be muted or banned for trying to discuss concerns with Koko as a company or the safety of kokobot in the public channels, which also cuts you off from the ability to file a ticket.

To report it to the FCC for likely violating the COPPA law, regarding minors' safety and privacy online:

See Reblogs for further info & reporting instructions: Detailed description of COPPA law and Kokobot's presumed violations, plus detailed reporting instructions

But quick links: FCC reporting website and email hotline: [email protected]

Seriously, if you've taken the time to read this far, please please please take one more minute to file a report! It won't get addressed if all we do is reblog this, we need to get this in front of Tumblr Staff / The FCC / Koko's investors to get this meaningfully addressed.

Blocking and reporting the bot as spam isn't enough IMO - people have been doing that for years from the looks of the tag

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Reccomended reading in reblogs:

dropattackbear's discovery of what Koko is using the harvested data for (Machine Learning training data for automated content moderation services)

winderlylandchime (a licenced clinical psychologist's) explanation of privacy / ethics considerations around mental health services

thatsmimi's post on the dangers of letting minors act as a suicide / self-harm resource

My additions on their investors, leadership board, and their current job opening

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Legal Disclaimer since tech companies LOVE lawsuits:

The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author's employer, organization, committee or other group or individual. This text is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to be referenced for legal, business, or investment purposes. This text is based on publically available information. Sources may contain factual errors. The analysis provided in this text may contain factual errors, miscalculations, or misunderstandings.

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