Cyj - Tumblr Posts
YEAH BABES YOU GO GIRL !!! ONE DAY LATE BUT IDC I STILL ATE IT UP
erase me. ミ yj 🌪
synopsis: yeonjun finally finds y/n a year after she pushed him away. she doesn’t want to risk her life anymore, but he’s convinced he can protect her.
pairing: yeonjun x reader
word count: 5.3k
warnings: swearing, gangs, mentions of alcohol, drugs and injuries, sexy yeonjun, barely edited
a/n: first fic ehe. i think this can be read as any gender?? tell me if it cant be <3
Listen Now!
why am i awake? i look down at my dangling feet and notice there’s loose nails on the floor and the strange taste of rum and soot on my tongue. the floor creaks under my feet as i approach my mirror. it’s dirty, and all i see is skin, underwear, a stained shirt and slippers. my day will go silent with nobody to think about but myself. people knew me, but they don’t know me. and i hope nobody who did comes back.
at least the apartments clean. i took all of sunday scrubbing each and every nook and cranny to make it sparkling. i knew how to hide or clean my own traces too well, and as i poor the cold caffeine into the tin sink i shake the thoughts away. another drug to get addicted to. everyday i felt myself fading but felt the scars worsening. literally. after showers and getting changed there was always the long vertical scar haunting my peripheral vision and more on my arms and legs as well, probably plenty in my lungs and stomach as well. glancing at the dimly light clock i’m surprised that i’ve been able to wake up and stay up at 12:14. why am i awake? suddenly, a creep of suspicion erupts in the depths of myself and i stay still. the curtains in the living room sway in the midnight breeze, but it’s not quiet enough. slowly, i turn around a grab the biggest knife from the knife block and wait.
“here’s your coffee, m'lady,” kai winked at me as I accepted the warm caffeine. only a second ago, kai and beomgyu were hitting and grunting at the old coffee machine, before cheering when it finally spurt out the brown liquid. just as i took my first sip, yeonjun emerged from the steam filled bathroom, aggresively drying his hair with a blue towel. he was wearing a white tank top and red sweat pants, a regular outfit for the man. at this point, yeonjun and i were just friends, atleast to the others. but the unspoken likeness, the glances, the nearly telepathic connection, jokes and touches that went between us spoke otherwise. he smiled at me as i peered at him over my mug. “ew, can you guys like stop,” kai commented, bringing me out of the staring contest. my cheeks go rose tinted before i down the last gulp, stomach aching in the motion. the machine worked, but only for so long. “this stupid thing.” “having trouble again?” i watched him and his muscles smack the machine, and in only one hit it was working. that was his specialty, making things work out when it doesn’t. he glanced at me, probably picking up that i was in pain again, before heading to his and taehyun, my brother’s, room. my brother and my secret lover were roomed for all of our teenage years and it sucked. everything sucked. my stomach ached and scarred every other week, my ribs felt like they were knifing at my lungs every breath in. but it was expected seeing as what my ‘job’ was. everyone hurt. "i wish i could fix your injuries like i fix everything.” “you can kiss them better, if you’d like?”
there’s a knock and a rip of dread topples down onto me and my shoulders. i can’t let that effect me too much if i’m about to send away the person i loved the most. slowly i creep up to the door and peer through the peephole. in all of his glory, yeonjun is tirelessly waiting for my arrival. his hairs barely blue now, his natural dark brown over taking the dye perfectly. there’s a new scar on his nose, and his skin still seems rough. he’s in a white tank top and red sweatpants. he still looks good.
“go away.” i warn through the door, his eyes light up in desperation and he suddenly attaches himself to the door.
“y/n? is that you?” i can’t see much now that he’s blocking a majority of the peep hole, but i can hear uncut nails grasping at the doorknob. it felt wrong only being a door away from him. i look at the knife in my hands and twist it in my grasp. “i said go away.”
“y/n, we need to talk- everything’s going wrong. please.” he plants his forehead just above the peep hole. there’s bags under his eyes, and his lips are chapped. i know i’ll regret it, but i sigh and open the door, but only enough so the dim illumination from the hallway creates a sliver of light in my entryway. he looks at me immediately and smiles, before i shove it open completely and hastily. i seemed to have gotten angry at myself, and him, so i advance forward.
yeonjun stumbles and backs away immediately, holding his hands up with a shocked expression, a hint of relief in his eyes. he’s pinned against the wall now and the knife in my hand is dangerously close to his throat, his adam’s apple scraps it in a gulp. i’m sure i don’t look the best as it’s the middle of the night and the only thing i have on is a baggy shirt and slippers, but his eyes wander over me anyways. i beg we don’t wake up my neighbours.
“y/n. it’s you.”
it was another drinking night and the boys had decided to play 7 minutes of truth. a spin off to 7 minutes in heaven and truth or dare. and yeonjun was the only one i hadn’t done it with, so obviously i chose him to spend 7 minutes with spilling our truths. we retreated to my room while the rest drank and laughed waiting for us. i sat on my bed and smiled at him, the dim light in the middle of the ceiling lighting us was just enough to see each other. he sits beside me, both of our legs hanging off the side of the single bed. “so. spill.”
“really? no foreplay or anything?” he chuckled making me smile. whenever he was happy i was happy.
“foreplay? come on choi. i think we both know i don’t do that.” he laughed again.
“but there’s nothing you don’t know about me… except one thing.” he smirked and i inched closer as if he was going to tell me a life changing secret. he was going to, but i didn’t know it at the time. “i like someone.” i was taken aback, nearly laughing. i liked him then, a lot, but acting clueless and innocent was better than showing jealousy. he tilted his head and the odd action made me ‘cluelessly’ ask who it is. “are you being serious? y/n. it’s you.”
“how did you find me?” i practically wipe the smile off his face when i press the knife onto his neck with increasing pressure.
“well i’ve known that you live here for a while but i was scared that this would happen-“
“you knew?? how??”
“uh- i posed as an officer and asked every landlord in the area who the tenants were-“
“but how did you know i was here”
“you can’t be the only one angry okay? it’s the first time i’ve seen you in a year and you’ve got a knife to my neck.” he complains through gritted teeth, but lets out a sigh when i place the knife back at my side. “thank you.”
to be honest, it was relieving. someone had finally found me and it wasn’t a nobody, but him. every night since i started working for my brother and his gang, i had nightmares. and every night after i told yeonjun about them, he helped me fall asleep. every injury i had to endure was only as half as bad as they were when he was around. but after i left, my nights were fuelled with terrors and pain. and seeing him again made me pain free yet paralysed. he put me in danger and fixed it after. that’s what hyuka told me. but i would never tell yeonjun that he said that to me, or that i believed it.
“leave.” i warn once more, backing away to retreat back to my apartment. a small wave of tears creep up into my eyes before yeonjun grabs my wrist and pulls me back. immediately i wrench it back and give him a glare that he’s probably all too familiar with, my hair falls into one of my eyes. “i said leave. i don’t need you.”
“don’t you? look at your apartment.” he nodded over your shoulder, rubbing the front of his neck. i know what he means. the floorboards are lifting and sinking, there’s little to no furniture and none of the doors inside the apartment have locks, just a hole in place of where a doorknob would be. the ceilings are dripping into some buckets i’ve placed down, and i realise no matter how hard i scrub this place will always be a shithole. i take a moment to collect myself before i start crying, yelling, or even worse, start saying i’m sorry. only now do i notice the messiness of his hair and red red of his eyes. he scrunches his nose only for a second and i can only assume it’s because of his stressed posture mixing with an injury. i don’t feel bad.
“why couldn’t you leave me alone to live my life?” i sigh, lowering my voice and shrugging as much anxiety as i could off my shoulder. “the one i’m living right now is much better than gang wars, drinking every night and risking my life for drugs and money. i don’t know if you’ve noticed,” i point at his obviously wrapped stomach under his tank, “but it’s too dangerous to consider it for a living.”
he sighs, thinking about what to say. “because i can’t live without you. y/n, you were my whole life. the reason i did what we did. and i can confidently say that you felt the same. or at least i thought you did, before you left all of us to rot.”
his harsh words trigger me enough for one tear to fall, but it wasn’t for sadness, but for anger.
“why couldn’t you just forget me? why couldn’t you just erase me?”
“because you’re you! you’re not a memory, y/n. i can’t just get rid of you like that. that’s the case for everyone. beomgyu, hyuka, even soobin misses you. not to mention your brother.”
taehyun. the day i left, yeonjun and taehyun were the last to see me. blazes of fire taller than a house crashed around us as they tried to catch up to me. i was always faster than them, but they were nearly catching up to me then. my name was echoed, yeonjuns scream filled with wet anger, taehyuns flat and dry. yeonjun thought i would come back, but taehyun knew. he knew i was finally scared enough to wake up.
“why should i care what he feels. he let me run. you did to.”
“you let yourself run! you ran with no reason—“
“no reason!? you know damn well that i had finally woken up to myself, that i finally knew that if i stayed i would die. i was already in the ER every other month.”
he tries to advance forward and past me, as if inviting himself into my apartment but i cut him short and push him further away, he nearly slams again the hallway wall and he winces. i can see the outline of bandages around his waist under his tight tank, but the usual guilt, pity or empathy that would’ve shown a year ago disappears. yeonjun looks at me as if i’m a monster, like he was surprised.
“i felt in danger every second i was with you guys. i was afraid the times i went to visit my sister that it would be the last. that i could be taking my last steps, thoughts, actions and breaths at any moment. yes, yeonjun, you made me feel alive but that doesn’t change the fact i could’ve died at any given moment. cleaning up after your dirty jobs was sickening and shameful and every time i have a nightmare about soobin or beomgyu getting kidnapped again i feel dirty. i wake up and take hour long showers just to try and forget. to try and forget everything! you included.”
he’s silent for a moment before my neighbour emerges, shushing us with a smoke in his mouth.
reluctantly i pull him into the apartment. but just because the location has changed doesn’t mean my anger has, neither my tears.
i doubt myself, “i’ve said to much-“ and yeonjun doesn’t even let me lock my door before he starts arguing with me again.
“so you never even thought of coming back? never thought of wanting us, again?”
“i knew i’d crash i didn’t let you go. i loved you yeonjun,” he winces at my words, “i never loved what we did.”
and he’s silent.
he seems to finally understand me just like he used to. he’s now sat on my couch as i stand in front of him with my arms crossed. the curtains are still dancing and the floors still creak, the ceiling still drips. the only difference is that my present has now crossed paths with my past. he’s biting on the inside of his cheek as he stays lost in thought, before quickly leaning on his knees and rubbing his eyes. i don’t let my vision leave him, and not because of what he’s wearing but because i’m afraid he’ll pull some shit out of his ass and call it an apology.
“you’re still beautiful.” the compliment is sudden but real, i can hear it in his voice but i don’t reply straight away. “i mean it.”
“i know you do. and trust me when i say i mean this as well, you sitting on my couch is not an invitation for an apology or conversation. you’ll leave after the smell of smoke is gone from the vents. i’m not talking to you anymore.”
he stares up at me. disappointment, sadness, love. too many emotions mix with his irises to count.
“then i’ll talk to you. just so you know, taehyun is drinking 24/7, kai’s locked himself in his room, soobin has gotten us into trouble which has led to beomgyu going missing, again. to be honest, i’ve been thinking he’s come to you seeing as you were close. but now i know he hasn’t. maybe he was smarter than me and knew you wanted nothing to do with us.” i nod and he bits his lip, “and we’ve gotten threats. blackmail. and… the people threatening us don’t seem to know you’ve been gone for a year. they know shit about you as well. i came here to see you but also to protect you, warn you. but also, to ask you to come back. now i know that’s stupid but you’re the only one who could bring us back seeing as you’re the one who broke us apart. i’ll protect you. if i can. huening kai’s still depressed, keeps saying he’s the reason you left, so i’ll probably have to take his jobs. but you don’t have to fight, you can just clean up after us or- we could keep you at home and you could talk to us through the ear pieces instead of beomgyu since he’s missing or-… basically what i’m saying is that, we… i, need your help.” his eyes plead, he stands up and comes close to me, and his words seem desperate, truthful. he’s warm and nervous. his hands twitch to hold me.
and suddenly, i feel bad.
HOW DARE YOU JUST END IT LIKE THAT >:(
erase me. (pt.2) ミ yj 🌪️
synopsis: after unfortunately falling for yeonjuns sob story, the one you caused, he convinces you to see the others again.
pairing: yeonjun x reader
genre: gang!au, angst, sliver of fluff, exs to lovers (not completed in this part)
word count: 4.5k
warnings: lowercase writing, mention of drugs, drinking, gangs and gang wars, fighting, swearing, mentions of injuries and hospitals, sexy yeonjun 😈, not spell or grammer checked
a/n: this is part 2 to erase me!!! go read that first!!!!! this isn’t as long but it’s furthering the story anyways. also if this gets good interaction i’ll write another part 🏃💨 btw this fic, like the first part, is based on a song, the link is down below.
← pt.1
Listen Now!
the inside of my lip is spongey and sore now that i’ve been chewing on it for the past 5 minutes. yeonjun is ducked under and slouching down to talk to the reception lady. she’s grumbling about the time of morning, and yeonjun is wincing because of his injury, and he ought to know that i think we’re one and the same. 12:56.
it’s cold in the reception area, and my slippers do nothing but squeak as i shift side to side, waiting for the man i hate most to receive a room key in my own apartment building. his hair hass fallen into his eyes again as he glances at me, but i quickly avoid him, pretending to amuse myself with the brochures advertised on the wall beside me. i don’t even know why i came with him. a little bit of me thought that he’d leave if i didn’t.
he approaches slowly and i only now notice that hes wearing slippers like mine, but newer and with less wears and tears. his voice is like stinging ice when he talks. “the only room free is room 10, just down the hall from you.”
he’d stay in his own room, because god forbid i have him in my own apartment for another minute, and we’d leave in the morning. hopefully in the 5 hours i had left of the night i would convince myself not to leave with him. i felt terribly guilty, but i was doing fine here. i hoped i’d say goodbye, maybe write a note to the others - even when i knew beomgyu couldn’t read it. but a pit of what felt like dead leaves in my stomach was telling me to go and i didn’t want to trust them.
“i don’t trust you.” beomgyu was trying to persuade me as always, just like how we would trade snacks in kindergarten. “how do i know you’ll actually let me win?”
“cross my heart hope to die. you don’t even have to give me the full chocolate bar, just, like, half?” he shrugged, grabby hands coming closer to my precious food. soobin and kai had their turns on the nintendo while beomgyu and i were in the barely clean kitchen. i huffed and glared at him suspiciously.
“you let me win, and, i get to cut your hair.” i smirk and he immediately shakes his head. his accessorised hands grab his hair as if to protect it. it was hanging well over his eyes, tangled and unwashed. there were diy bleached strands oddly distributed and random bobby pins he stole from my bathroom shelf to hold it back.
“no! never!”
“oh come on, how are you supposed to navigate us through vents when you can’t even see?”
“hair bands?” he looks funnily serious, eyes pleading like a puppy.
“here, have the bar. i’m tired of fighting anyways.” it was a playful interaction but we both knew he really needed it, even if it wasn’t the healthiest thing to choose from. his own body weight relied on the muscle he gained, none of it coming from fat. because he stayed in for missions, he had less time to scavenge for more food. and even though we had enough food in the house for the odd meals and maybe a snack, he barely ate. but i don’t think he could help it, and i never liked it.
yeonjun told me goodnight, and i closed my door without another word. i look around my apartment again. still dripping, still creaking, still disgusting. a part of me realised a long time ago that even if i scrub the apartment to perfection, the ‘perfection’ will never be perfect. taehyun always reminded me of that. that nothing, no one, is perfect, but i always wanted it to be despite my brothers words. we didn’t talk much, and i guess through the years nothing changed even when i joined his gang. yet he knew everything. what i was thinking, what i was feeling, my next move. that’s why he didn’t chase after or beg for me to come back when i ran. he would’ve done the same, i know it. i grab at the basketball shorts i had put on before going to reception, and take a pulsating breath. i wanted to cry so bad. i wanted the tears to leak and fall and pool at the bottom of my feet, drip down to the soil and create a grave for me, until i couldn’t cry anymore. but the walls are thin, and the vents let sounds through.
i could’ve gotten more sleep, but i was busy contemplating if i should stay here, in an overly expensive apartment with a minimum wage job despite my age, or go with yeonjun, where i’d see the people i love and making a living out of risk. i was contemplating what future i should pick, and it was weighing me down.
he told me he’d be at my door waiting by 6. and i decided i’d join him by 5:47.
dejavu ghosted me as i heard a knock at the door and tip down coffee down my sink. for some reason i look around my apartment as if it’s the last time i’ll see it, before looking down at myself. i didn’t have much better clothes than this, a nearly worn out shirt and baggy shorts, but at least i was wearing closed in shoes now. i don’t worry about bringing much, because i know i’ll end up the same with or without all my sentimental items.
i bring a backpack with a couple essentials, under wear, toothbrush, pain meds, etc. my phone shows me the time, and i open the door.
he looks barely rested, and the bags under his eyes tell me he was stressing all night - we’re the same.
“ready?” is all he says before i walk out and before him, biting my lips as i start our trip down the stairs and out the apartment. the receptionist isn’t there, probably sleeping in due to the blue haired boys antics earlier this morning, so i put my apartment keys on the counter. i don’t mind it they get taken.
the train station is only a walk away, and i spent half of it reprimanding myself. why was i awake? why was i walking to the train station? why was he here? i don’t miss them.
i seemed to slow down in my self deprecating thoughts, or i forgot how fast a walker yeonjun is, but either way i’m surprised when his mich taller body is beside mine. i don’t know where it came from, but he had a bag as well. it was much less stuffed than mine and looked like it only had a clothes and maybe a toothbrush in it. he never did keep a lot, physical objects that is. he lied a lot, though. even when he didn’t mean it.
“you said they were gone!”
“i thought they were! and i warned you through the earpiece!”
yeonjun crossed both arms over his chest, iconic white tank showing off his biceps in the movement. the cut on your arm and stomach spoke otherwise, and my teeth clenched as i stepped up to him.
“you warned me that someone was in the hallway. not coming into the room. also!, you told me i could handle the job when you knew i was going to puke when i stepped into that room.”
“but you didn’t?!”
“i didnt because i was already caught before i could.”
“well it was either you vomit and clean that up with the rest of the mess or-“
“or you clean it up yourself?” i lost my temper and pushed him a little, he raised his arms in a surrender stance even though he was not backing down.
“you were already there and if i stayed to clean we wouldn’t be alive right now.”
“maybe if you stayed to clean you could’ve saved me from that fucking guard!”
i knew the others were listening through the door, taehyun probably more annoyed we had locked ourselves in his and yeonjuns shared room than because we were fighting. yeonjun says under his breath,
“god you’re so sensitive,”
“huh? speak up, you know i hate when you mumble, say it to my face you son of a-“
there was a knocking before my brothers voice cut through the aggression like a chainsaw.
“can yous stop? we want to sleep. the missions over, we got our reward. now open the fucking door!” another bang shook the door.
i left without another word and ran to my room.
a sigh comes from his rose painted lips as the morning sun beams down at us. the sky’s half orange and blue, and luckily we were walking towards the darker side of town. he sighs again.
“what.”
he smirks, “i forgot you don’t like mornings.”
i ignore him. my gut tells me he’s trying to get me to forgive him by recalling all the things i shared with him, all the things he learnt about me. he didn’t know everything though, because if he did he’d know how to break my heart in two. but i guess he knew enough to break it anyways.
“um. i feel bad for asking but, do you have money for your train ticket?.. and mine?.” he has guilt and hesitance laced in his voice. i look up at him, badly cut hair falling off my cheekbones.
“are you that broke?” when he just looks down i feel my own guilt build up. i don’t say sorry though, instead, “yeah. i have enough.”
we wait on cold steel seats for the train. theres gloomy lighting over head and it nearly lulls me to sleep once again. a huge chunk of me is screaming to run away again, just like i did a year ago, and a smaller chunk is telling me it was the right decision. somehow the smaller piece was out weighing the larger one. i rub my eyes for the fifth time that sitting, and sigh quietly to myself, questioning my sanity. though it wouldnt be surprising if i had lost it.
yeonjun left a seat between us, but i can still feel his stare.
the train whirrs and stirs, the age of the transportation evident. the posters that are encased in glass on some of the train’s steel walls are dated and pale. it reminds me of myself. it’s a long distance train, meaning that seats are grouped with barely stable, nailed on tables for people to study, put luggage, or in my case, stare at.
the train ride back to the old apartment is 3 hours or more, i can’t really remember. all i know is that yeonjun sitting across from me, elbows on the table, in this desolate part of the train is a sight i never thought i’d see again. i only look at the table, avoiding eye contact like a nervous little kid. i did that when i first joined as well. scared the boys would send me back just by a look.
our shoes touch under the table and he immediately sits up, i tuck my feet back under myself and he quickly apologies quietly. it’s awkward, and a year ago i would neck myself knowing this is how we would act around each other. from needing to touch to scared to make contact at all. i almost forget i had a knife to his throat 6 hours before hand.
we’re 15 minutes in when he decides to talk.
“so, do you have a job?”
“used to, before you came.”
“oh.”
i hate being callous and rough with my words, especially towards him, but the never ending feeling of danger when he’s around pushes me to say whatever comes to my unkept brain. i change my attention to my bag beside me, tugging and fiddling with the straps until it somehow ends up in my lap like a makeshift shield. for some reason i keep talking. maybe its because i know how much yeonjun hates when there’s nothing to say.
“i know you said that everything went to shit at home,” i called it home, even when it never felt like one, “but uh. how has it been?”
yeonjun looks at me surprised i’m initiating the conversation. but at least i’m not asking about him personally. we go underground suddenly and now the only thing helping me see his drained face is the electronic, somewhat flickering train lights.
“well, it really did go to shit. taehyun had periods where he wouldn’t come home, going out drinking with the money we tried to save,” he looks at me as if to check i was still interested and listening, and of course i am. he started the tangant with my brother. he continues, “and hyuka screams at us and even tried to hurt himself. he thinks it’s his fault and i mean, i don’t understand why he thinks that.”
kai told me how he feared he would die on the job, how he knows the only way out of it was to run, and how he feared the same for me. and it got into my head. so yes, i did leave because of him, but it wasn’t a fault. i nod for him to go on, keeping my eyes down. i now realise how much my confidence in talking or going against yeonjun has gone down. maybe it’s because if i break him anymore he’ll be erased.
“soobin, he went out and decided the only way to get money was to do what we always did, fight. but for some reason he did it himself. he’d come back with injuries i’d never seen before, money, and enemies. one of which took…”
“beomgyu.”
“yeah.”
i bite my lip and look to my fiddling thumbs that are now placed on the table between us , our hands only a ruler away. i sigh through my nose without meaning and he looks to me again. i can just see him biting his own lip, and looking up with now glassy brown eyes.
“it really has gone to shit.”
“and what were you doing?”
“trying to find you.”
once again a blanket of guilt and devastation covers me, as my left foot decides to bounce. if yeonjun were beside me, and i was still at home, he’d stop it with his hand on my thigh. i look out the window, but all i see is dark blur. the worry i buried for beomgyu when yeonjun originally told me he was taken was still reaching the surface of the grave. beomgyu was the most fragile and dependant on us. ever since kindergarten i knew that he let people walk over him like he was merely a carpet for wiping their feet. his lunch was always taken, his pencils snatched, and i was always the one to get them back. he was like the little brother i never had. instead when i got home i had to deal with two older brothers who didn’t really care. taehyun less than the other. the other left. the taste of toothpaste is wearing off as i ask,
“and you were talking about blackmail?”
he takes a deep breath at the question before nodding, and i wait for him to go on, actually looking up at him now, but he seems hesitant, and instead says, “you should try to go to sleep, you look tired.”
“yeonjun.” i know saying his name and his name alone effects him. makes him feel pressured and as if he’s at fault. i’ll only use it on him if i really need to. and i probably didn’t need to this time, but i was stressed. forgive me.
he presses his lips together, looks around to see if anyone had entered our part of the train and nods again.
“the blackmail was on everyone, but it was things we already knew about each other. like kai’s father being an ex celebrity and my own brother being a powerful lawyer. but yours and taehyuns? it was confusing to say the least.” he explains with a puzzled expression.
i just looked at him with slightly burrowed brows waiting for him to go on. he looked at me with caution, probably because it was the first time we made eye contact in hours, before asking,
“do you have another brother that you didn’t tell us about?”
my eyes widen and my mouth dries up in an instant. i shiver inside and stay silent in shock for a couple seconds.
“taehyun didn’t tell me anything. he won’t tell me anything.”
“was that it? that i have another brother?”
“… yeah.”
i lean back in my seat and hold a hand over my sewed shut mouth, the other one gripping at the fabric of my shorts. my knuckles turn white and my eyes gloss over for the second time this morning, before i take a deep breath. they can’t know him. he died. yeonjun gulps and reads me like a newspaper.
“hey, it’s okay that’s all it said. nothing like they knew where his body was or anything-“ he cuts himself off, realising how shitty that sounded. “sorry.”
millions of question shout at me, heart picking up pace. how do they know my brother? is he alive? how did they know who to contact? why did they take beomgyu and what do they want? i sigh and rub at my eyes again as if it’ll wipe the thoughts away as well. but they cant be when the only other person around me answers one of them.
yeonjun leans forward, licking him lips for an instance before nervously continuing.
“they want you. you and taehyun. they said it’s either you two go see them or beomgyu gets..” i finish his sentence in my head and it takes everything in me not to sob on the spot. no time for that. now i know why i was so persistent with myself to go with yeonjun. maybe it was for the best, or maybe i was just following the path to my depressing fate.
now i’m especially tired. my eyes feel like they’re being pulled down by gym rats, my skin feels tight and uncomfortable, and all i want to do is sleep and wake up in a plush bed. i can’t even specify where, why, if the bed’s even mine, because i’ve never had one that had created a mould just for me. maybe it’s for the best, because i feel if i let something create a mould of me i’d get too attached and sink into it, forever laying in the warmth. my head leans against the vibrating window, it hurts my head, but at least i don’t have to hold it up anymore.
“go to sleep, y/n.”
we were driving back from a mission that was a few hours away, even beomgyu had to come and set up his computers in the van. my mind replayed the scenes of the crimes, blood painted on the walls, glass stuck in the bodies of the rich, the red metallic liquids pouring from each and every one of them. i was squeamish to say the least, but i got used to it. i reminded myself that the people they hurt deserved it. corrupt rich men, cheating spouses. we were hitmen, but not evil.
i stared blankly at the vans floor, huening kai and taehyun helping each other wipe blood of their skinny faces, beomgyu talking about how he was the worst at driving, yet he was behind the wheel. soobin was in the front passed out, small and cute snores escaping his unconscious face. how i wish that was me. how i wish i could sleep as peacefully as he could.
“go to sleep, y/n.” yeonjun put his hand on my shaking leg, taking me out of my comfortable trance. i smile at him lazily, wiping my thankfully clean hand over my dirty face, dragging my skin down. “i’m serious. we have a few more hours until we’ll be home. take a nap.” he smiled, tapping his bare shoulder. he was the perfect height for me to rest comfortably, but was it comfortable for him? i never understood how a man who could hurt, torture and kill so easily could show me love with the same amount of effort? it felt terribly wrong to think of him as the person i trust most, the person who has the highest death rate than anyone else in our gang, the person who leaves me god awful scenes to clean and seem like an accident.
“aren’t you tired as well? you do much more work than me.” i ask, and he smiles down at me, rough fingers dragging a piece of slick hair away from my cheeks. it makes me even more sleepy, his calming face, his touch. scent. skin. everything. “especially this mission. i think i used three bottles of bleach.” he chuckles and i place my head on his shoulder.
“you know i can sleep anywhere. especially with you around.”
for the first time in months, i laugh a little. it only lasts a second, but it feels good. except for the fact i was laughing at myself, not at something funny. it makes yeonjun’s creased forehead and unattractive frown soften, continuing to bite his lip. he still cares even when i threatened, insulted, and basically told him i didn’t love him anymore. which was shitty, i know, but i was angry, and.. i don’t really know if i meant it.
before i decide to sleep, we leave the tunnel, and the morning sun coming through the other side of the rusted train highlights yeonjun away from everything else. his white tank, red shorts, pale skin and injury. the cheekbones that seem much more noticeable and his collarbones that stick out of his skin make it look like his skeleton hurts. his head too, and probably his heart. of course, the hair dyes definitely washed out, making it look like he’s gone swimming a few too many times. when i look at him, i wonder what happened to him. he’s weaker, skinnier, struggling. i wonder if i’d still be comfortable for me to rest my head on his shoulder, if his chest would still drown out his heartbeat or if it was thin enough to let it all out. i wish it did. i wish i could tell how he was feeling at all times. i think that’s what made me fall asleep earlier than i planned, without the fear of nightmares, the sound of his heart beat, the thought of his body as my bed.
i’m screaming, crying, wailing, sobbing. i’m clutching onto my side, kicking my feet, shaking my head. i’m shivering, writhing, bleeding. my vision has been tampered with by tears and fatigue, blood loss no doubt. yeonjun is there, trying to calm me down, trying to take my hands away from my injury, trying to help me. i think he’s crying, yelling, maybe even bleeding as well. and i want to say sorry but my throat is closing up and i don’t know if i can even survive anymore.
“y/n, please calm down, please-“
“taehyun- wheres taehyun- taehyun!?”
“he’s fine y/n! he’s perfectly fine, but you’re not. do you hear me? now let me help you.”
“please.” i need to run.
i jolt before blinkly wildly, luckily yeonjun’s asleep. his mouth is agape giving him the appearance of a gold fish, and his hair is fallen again. my bags made my lap hotter than i could imagine and the sun that previously provided me with a clear picture of yeonjun is now just climbed over the trains window. i arch my back in a stretch and let a sigh escape me. and as i’m grabbing a drink out my bag, a sense of excitement and immense anxiety plummets on my body, making me want to run around the train and merge with the trains seat at the same time.
im gonna see them again. huening kai might offer me coffee again, soobin might tell me off for stealing his blankets if i stay long enough, and taehyun might look me in the eye and talk to me. will they remember me? ive been gone for so long it feels like i’m just a memory to them and that they are the same to me. can i even remember their voices? their scent? what beomgyu’s favourite flavoured milk is, soobins favourite video game, taehyuns favourite dinner and huening kais favourite place to be alone? i find it hard to remember even the layout of our apartment. it was big enough for all of us but not big enough to feel like we all had private areas or rooms. do i remember the street name? loosing all of this memorised knowledge feels like a part of the mountain that is me is falling in an avalanche and im too slow to catch it or run away from it. oh god, and what if they’re not happy to see me? i ruined them. i’m the reason they’re split and stopped being active. stopped caring for themselves and being able to live the lives they deserve. suddenly i tell myself that i am so selfish. so self centred that i ran away when i was at the bottom of the card tower that we were all placed on. i ran away when my brother was struggling to continue on, when beomgyu was still recovering with the first abduction. hyuka still hadn’t seen his father for years, soobin hadn’t opened up to me. i left before yeonjun and i could even tell eachother we truly loved eachother. instead all i got were memories that were similar to the ones you make in highschool, distant ones with people you think you’ll spend the rest of your life with. and when i look back on them i realise who and who didn’t really care. i convince myself none of them did, not even yeonjun, which is a incomprehensible thought.
yeonjun wakes up, pushing me out of my thoughts. i try to think if i made a sound or movement that would’ve woken him up. but i guess he always did know when i was in distress. “did i wake you?”
“no. its just uh, the train lady just said our location was only half an hour away.”
i nod and look out the window. we’re going under and ontop of desolate towns, busy cities, until the plains of farm look too familiar and the roads look to similiar to the ones i remember, we pass the hospital that is also too familiar to me. he, like me, looks indenial that this is happening, and i remember that he used to call us the perfect pair. oh how childish he was.
taglist: @hyeunfae @raevyng
This explains the sudden exit 😂😅
coco almost blocked a legendary moment!