Damn Nature You Scary - Tumblr Posts

Footnote: Seen this before? Feel like seeing more? This is my new blog! Due to some technical issues with the old one, I will be rblging the original MMM and CFF posts on this account, as well as continuing both lil series! Another reason to bring this back was because since I let this particular write-up one rip, one of y'all @poor-reconstruction off-handedly mentioned something in the tags and I haven't been able to go more than a week or two since without thinking about it. So I have no choice but to subject more people to the horrors of knowledge now.

Creacher Feature Friday 3: Mushrooms that Turn the Fricken’ BUGS Gay!!

Let’s have a bit of real talk for a second. The fungi kingdom is… weird. Really, really weird. Borderline alien weird, to me, least, relative to the rest of this planet. People kind of slot them in their minds somewhere next to plants as the default for the superficial resemblance, but in a lot of fundamental ways they’re actually way closer of a comparison to bacteria or animals.

I collect parasitoid wasps as a hobby, and the concept of fungi, especially the more microscopic sorts, still personally freaks me out, in that kind of “this feels like a far fetched sci-fi idea but somehow is just casually a part of the mundane world” way. And know, I’m glad it seems that modern writers and media seem are catching up and agreeing with that sentiment. Resident Evil 7 and Discover My Body both tapped into the horror potential of mycelium with amazing results, and cordyceps (the infamous “ant zombie” mushrooms) straight up inspired the entire premise of the Last of Us.

And as interesting as the cordyceps group is, i think by now enough people have given their own 2 cents and reaction to what they do and how they hijack host behavior in order to propagate; well, how’d you feel if I instead stepped in to tell you they actually aren’t quite so special, exotic, or even a fluke? What if there was another, even more stranger-than-fiction, parasitic spore potentially prowling temperate backyards, and you never even knew it?

Strap in, and get ready to get learnt all about the bane of periodical cicadas, and appropriately named Massospora cicadina!

Graphic sourced by Wikipedia

So in breaking some of this down, I need to let you know something neat about cicadas themselves first.

There’s thousands of individual species and they are broadly categorized into one of two groups: the annual cicadas, which emerge and reproduce along a unsynchronized yearly cycle, being spotted each spring-summer in parts of North America, and then there’s the periodical cicadas. This handful developmentally synchronizes within their own species and live a surprisingly long time, spending most of their lives as underground nymphs and then emerging only once in over a decade! 13/17 years about, depending on the variety. Now there’s a cool bug fact.

Since they line up their development to have effectively the entire population emerge and breed at the same time, it follows that they make massive swarms when the occasion arrives. It’s a reproductive strategy formally called Predator satiation and it works like this: “well they can’t eat all of us!” I.e. Safety in overwhelming numbers without giving their predators a large enough window to accommodate the boom by also reproducing and swelling their own population in turn. While this few and so far in between baby-boom strategy is fantastic at outpacing predation, you know what it’s vulnerable to?

Sexually transmitted fungus. Massospora cicadina happens to be a very picky pathogen, and so it specializes to only target these periodical cicadas rather than annual ones.

My mutuals might have already caught on that this is a bit of a sequel to my first Creacher Feature piece I wrote up, about promiscuous ladybugs and their own relationship with a similar, mostly cosmetic, but not that detrimental “STF”.

That benign organism doesn’t have shit on Massospora cicadina. This stuff almost makes cordyceps look tame by comparison.

Once a cicada contracts these spores, either through the act of mating or by contact with contaminated soil as unlucky nymph, it’s game set and match for that bug. Situated inside the abdomen of an adult specimen, the pathogen gets straight to work just underneath the surface, quietly hollowing out the insect’s abdomen and replacing once healthy organs and reproductive equipment with little more than a big, chalky mass of nothing but more fungus. The cicada’s own genitals and terminal body segments, useless to the infection’s goals, will fall off entirely, which means that the host is rendered completely sterile.

Though, this won’t stop them from still trying to mate with healthy cicadas, in fact, more than the opposite. Once pieces of the abdomen begin to fall away they will reveal the fungal “plug” to be able to spread spores in the cicada’s wake as it drags along the ground, looking something like this

^ As I call ‘em, Nature’s Forbidden salt shaker✨

To help encourage even further reach, Massospora cicadina will also crank up the host’s drive to breed even higher, with a creative twist that makes males particularly effective spore spreaders. In typical courtship, a male cicada uses his singing as a way of attracting females, who then signal their receptiveness by doing a flicking sort of gesture with their wings. Males infected with a parasitic fungus will actually mimic this behavior, actively inviting other male cicadas to mount them, even while they themselves are also still seeking to copulate with any available females. Eventually, this host is basically left a shambling husk, only serving to pass along the contagion to both members of either sex, all while its own innards are still sloughing and flaking out of its underside. Indeed, it will continue to be this up until it finally succumbs and dies. Cicadina’s evolution seriously decided “what if we did Syphilis, but also zombies?”

Now I’d like to see a screenwriter with some balls give a crack at getting a THAT concept greenlit for a large production, but also not really that sounds… EuGH, if you know what I’m saying. But also hilarious.

“Witness the terror of the living dead as you never have before! Horny Rabies, swarming into theaters this summer! Rated PG-13“

If there’s any further thoughts I have aside from the potential jokes, it’s that this is really another one of those fascinating things to rather be respected than only feared at the end of the day (unless you’re a cicada which, sucks for you I guess). Even for a strategy as crafty and potentially destructive as an insect’s 17-year periodic spawns, nature does find a way, no matter how bizarre, to keep its systems in check from being overwhelmed. But damn if I’m not glad there’s no equivalent pathogen specialized for our neck of the evolutionary tree.

Until next week, don’t be afraid to offer up some suggestions for future rambling!

Footnote: Heya, Feel like seeing more ramblings like this? Here is my current blog! Due to some technical issues with the old one, I will be rblging the original MMM and CFF posts on this account, as well as continuing both lil series further on!

Creacher Feature Friday 5: I’m Utterly Terrified of Moose and You Should Be Too

I have noticed, on occasion that some people, even avid animal lovers, can still have that one critter that just gives them a passive comic dread. And I don’t mean the normal “spiders scary” or “rodents have gross vibes” gut reactions that society virtually conditions into anyone, I’m talking about the “I know way too much of this animal for my own good” kind of irrational, obscure fear. An organism that has a trivia card that makes you feel like you had some kind of innocence robbed from you ever since the knowledge was allowed to permeate into your prefrontal wrinkles, laying their dastardly seeds of hyper-specific heebies and jeebies.

I’m not gonna pretend you didn’t read the title, so I’ll cut to the chase for the tea I’m about to spill about these utter beasts of the North.

Everyone for years has always been “do X to avoid/survive grizzlies” this or “watch out for cougars” that but DON’T let the framing of Bambi or The Land Before Time Make you overlook the one thing that makes the largest wolves and even brown bears look almost harmless: the herbivore that must be ready to defend itself against them at the drop of a hat.

By the numbers alone, moose are responsible for more injuries and deaths annually than grizzlies and Timberwolves combined.

Despite being another (the largest) member of the deer family, these things are no freaking whitetail. Throw away everything you have come to understand about smaller deer if you find yourself in the presence of a moose. For one, they largely do not have a strong baseline fear of human beings like more common deer would. In the temperate US and beyond, deer are more known to just immediately flee the area if an ant farts 5 feet away. Moose give z e r o fucks about your presence until you give them a reason to. And this in part leads to some horrible accidents and danger, because less savvy people sometimes mistake their boldness to being “friendly” or open to further approach. While not quite so temperamental as a hippo, they can quickly turn from apathetic to downright deadly from provocation or harassment. This is doubly a jeopardizing position to remain in when dealing with rutting bulls or calving mothers, both of which more likely to decide against fleeing and choose ruining your entire day and then some.

Ideally, at such point, you would have scurried as soon as humanely possible for cover or anything sturdy you could weave around to have between you, and that angry moose. Let’s say you don’t manage that, or that you were the kind of idiot that tries to stand their ground against a provoked moose instead of taking the first few hints. The good news is that you don’t have to worry too much about those horns bearing down on you, they’re mostly just for flexing on other moose anyway. The bad news is, you’re free and open to receiving the business end of those front hooves, instead. Try to struggle back or get back up and you’ll basically recreate that bear attack scene from The Revenant, only with less slashing and more rib-breaking blunt trauma in its place. Probably the same amount of screaming. Moose attack to eliminate a threat, so the only thing you can viably do in a trampling is to assume the fetal position, pray, and more or less play dead until the moose has moved on. Not “stopped stomping”, but straight on wandered a safe enough distance away to allow you to make a proper retreat to safety and some much needed medical attention, if you’ve survived.

And if you still have no idea how much of a bad time you’re in for against a pissed moose, look. at. The. Size. Of. Them.

Seriously, not even counting the antlers or the head, these behemoth beefstacks can tick a 7 foot or more height just from hoof to shoulder. In fact, even forgetting their spicy behavior for a second, one reason their sheer size is such a public hazard on its own is because of what happens when a moose and a car meet on the road.

You know how any common wisdom or Driver’s Ed course will tell you up and down, “Whatever you do, don’t swerve for animals! Hit the brakes and hope that deer/dog/opossum makes it, but for all that’s good and holy don’t rocket off into the ditch for them!”

Moose turn this lesson ass over tea kettle. They’re probably the only animal I know of where the explicit expert advice is to take your chances with the ditch over hitting one of these head on. Note this additional size comparison with an compact car.

Notice how the front of this thing is uh… right on level with being able to leg sweep a moose rather than directly hit it? I’m not going to go into too graphic detail of what happens when gravity gifts a 1,200 pound deer straight into one’s windshield, but let’s just say it’s not pretty.

Here’s some other cursed facts about NA Moose, besides their size put into perspective:

• They can move each eye and ear independently of the other.

•Their stomach can hold around 100 pounds of food at once.

• They can sprint about 35 miles an hour (in case you thought running was a valid option).

• They can easily kick in a 360 degree radius around themselves.

• Another term for “The fear of moose” is apparently Alkiphobia

• That flappy bit of flesh that sags beneath their chin is known as a “bell”, or dewlap. Males and females both develop one, and no one knows for sure what their main purpose is.

• One of the warning signs they can give before an attack, is to pee fiercely, staring you down.

• Due to wolves being a natural predator of theirs, they really, really hate dogs. Having a dog or few in tow has in some cases caused moose to go out of their way to attack them along with their human owners.

• You’re not safe in the water either! They’re not just competent swimmers, but natural professionals, able to dive almost 20 feet deep and hold their breath for a full minute.

• The above ^ fact is why there have been reported occasions of killer whales feeding on moose, as a treat.

• We should probably be grateful their even larger cousins aren’t still around instead.

• And, something a little haunting for me above the rest: North America moose can sometimes fall dead-end host to an infection of actual, unironic brain worms, which can make them behave much more aggressively and confused in the later stages of the disease. Here’s a video, in fact, of an individual with brainworm charging a man minding his own business.

I’ve never seen a moose up close in my entire life, I don’t live remotely close to where I would have to to even be able to do that, and you know what? I think I’m extremely and comfortably ok with that, but I am cursed with the knowledge that they are out there, like some Monster-Hunter esque boss that found itself a cozy footing (hoofing?) in the real world. Pouring one out for you, moose, you rudely massive ruminants. You have earned my distant respect, by which I mean you intimidate me enormously.

So it’s like a huge thing in Dredge that sometimes you pull up these lovecraftian type of mutant fish… like, they’re rarer and more valuable, albeit fucked up variants of the normal ones you catch. Kind of like shiny Pokémon if the shinies had many eyes where they shouldn’t or clumps of parasitic, Gigeresque cysts covering their malformed bodies.

Anyway the least disturbing and MOST funny one to me that I’ve encountered so far has to be this aberrant version of blackmouth salmon

Like, I’m sorry, devs?… that’s not some unholy divergence from the course of the natural order that’s just a normal ass chinook in the spawning season. No joke, they just casually rot alive exactly like that every single generation of fish.

Heads up: under this cut gets gross

Photos of real salmon during the spawn season that turn my stomach in a way this video game can only aspire to

In case you ever wondered, this is also the reason people don’t eat post-spawn adults.

Remember kids, as much as any of us try, it’s very hard to top the worldbuilding of the greatest horror author of all- Mother Nature.