Depressive Shit - Tumblr Posts
Just some thoughts
Sometimes I dream of being unable to speak. Just for a few days. No one would ask me questions anymore, I wouldn't need to start a conversation, I would be constantly listening to my thoughts. As if I no longer needed to interact with the outside world.
Maybe what bothers me is not having to talk, but that no one understands me.
I wonder what it would be like to be like Bella Baxter in Poor Things. Like, rebooted to zero. New brain, new life, new way of thinking. But in fact I'm not sure I would like it, because it would mean reliving childhood and teenage traumas. Maybe I'd better move forward with the brain I already have. I don't really know where I'm going, but at least I'm starting to understand a little bit who I am, so I'm trying to get out of it with the little information I have. I think that's what everyone do. We pretend that everything is fine, when in fact we have no fucking idea.
When I talk like that, I feel like I'm in a book. Besides, I would like this to be the case. I wonder if anyone would be interested in reading a book about my life as an autistic depressed? Obviously, I always come to say to myself that it is not exceptional enough to be told, that said I would have liked someone who has experienced the same difficulties as me to talk about it through a book. But I tell myself that if I had to write a book, I might as well write something totally different from me, just to change my ideas. Do I really want to talk to anyone else?
Maybe. To my friends anyway, or my family. But hey, we come back to the same point.
They wouldn’t understand me.
Not entirely, anyway. There is always at least a part of me that seems strange to people. And yet, I rather have the impression that it is the rest of the world that is strange.
The only thing she needed was someone to embrace her and tell her that everything would be better, that she was not alone and never would be, that she didn't have to feel like this - useless, helpless, pathetic, an absolute failure, unloved and unneeded and not "normal". But no one was going to do it and she had to wipe the tears, keep smiling and pretending that everything was okay, because she couldn't afford to be weak while weaker people depended on her. But inside she still was yelling and crying for help, running out of strength reserves and feeling closer to the breaking point than ever before
I just wanna fly away. No matter where.
Even if for a few days. Even if I know I can't run from myself.
Feeling locked, trapped, caught in a corner.
Just escape.