Emily Prentiss Angst - Tumblr Posts

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3 years ago

Come Back...Be Here

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Prompt - ‘But you're in London and I break down 'cause it's not fair that you're not around.’

You and Emily had never gotten along. From the day you walked into the BAU there was tension between the two of you though you hadn’t known why. As you settled into the job, becoming more comfortable around the team, your relationship with Emily became more tense as the months passed.

Nobody knew why you didn’t get along but it was common practice now for Hotch to make sure you didn’t get paired together on cases as more than one argument had occurred that meant neither of you were doing work.

Rossi had tried to get it out of you repeatedly, tried talking to you about Emily and what history you had but there was no history, before the BAU you hadn’t even heard of her. You didn’t know why she hated you or why you couldn’t stand to be around her, all you knew was that nobody knew how to push your buttons more than Emily Prentiss.

The tension between you and Emily was intense, both of you overly passionate in your arguments and that’s why it didn’t shock you the first time you fell into bed with each other. Rossi had always told you that with tension like that he was surprised that there were no underlying romantic feelings. You’d always scoffed when he said that but some part of you knew he was right, not about the romantic feelings of course but the way you and Emily got way too heated when you fought, it was only a matter of time before you turned that energy to something else.

In your defence, it had been a bad case. The unsub had been killing women that resembled you so naturally you offered to go undercover. Hotch readily agreed, there was nobody better at undercover work than you, the Undercover and Sensitive Operations Unit had been trying to poach you from the BAU for years but you turned them down every time despite loving undercover work.

It should’ve been easy but when was anything that involved the BAU easy?

They got you set up in a ground floor apartment and for the next few days you played your part as a regular citizen, going to the unsubs hunting ground in hopes of catching his attention. On the fourth day, however, another woman’s body had been found and the team had to respond to that.

You figured you hadn’t caught the unsub’s attention yet and so your guard was down but after disposing of the woman’s body, the unsub found his way to you. Nobody had profiled him to be stealthy, everything about him profiled as reckless, so when he was able to sneak up behind you and knock you out…well, the team had to refigure the profile before it was too late.

Thankfully the team managed to track you down before the unsub could really start his work, so after a few stitches in the back of the ambulance and pleading with Hotch not to send you to the hospital, you were on your way back to the hotel with the team and staying the night as it was too late to call the jet.

“You sure you’re alright, kid?” Rossi asked you from the front seat. You were sitting in the back between Derek and Spencer.

“I’m fine, Rossi, I promise.” You insisted, rolling your eyes as he shot you a look through the mirror.

It wasn’t long before you were pulling up to the hotel, the others pulling up just behind you.

“You’re rooming with Prentiss.” Hotch told you as he held a room key out towards you, bracing himself for the argument that he had no doubt was coming.

“Excuse me?” You said as the other joined you.

“Y/N,” Hotch began but you cut him off.

“Seriously, I just got kidnapped and nearly tortured and now you’re telling me I have to room with her.” You said, gesturing towards Emily with your chin before glaring up at Hotch.

“It’s one night, Y/N, and it’s already late. Just go to bed and get some sleep.” He told you as he slipped the key into your hand and walked away leaving you glaring at his back.

“Goodnight kid.” Rossi smirked whilst patting you on the back.

“I hate you all.” You grumbled before following him into the hotel missing Emily’s eye roll.

You couldn’t even remember how it happened. One minute you had been arguing with Emily and the next the two of you were frantically kissing each other, hands everywhere exploring each other's bodies, clothes were pulled off quickly and the two of you ended up sleeping with each other.

When morning came the two of you refused to acknowledge what had happened. You pushed yourself out of bed first and headed for the shower and by the time you had come out Emily and her bags were gone. You found a text from Spencer saying everyone was meeting downstairs to head to the jet and quickly packed your things away before heading down to the lobby.

The arguments hadn’t died down between you and Emily, though for the first few days after sleeping with her you avoided each other more. It would be months before you would sleep with her again but after the second time it became a regular occurrence. Anytime either of you needed to relieve some stress or if a case became too much, you found yourselves in each other's bed, never talking about it in the mornings but always knowing the offer was there.

Everything was going great until Emily had to go and talk about it.

-

“Are we seriously just never going to talk about this?” She asked one night.

You were at her apartment, not long back from California. It only took one glance at Emily, one nod from her, before you were climbing into her car and into her bed.

“What?” You asked, half asleep and not expecting her to strike up a conversation.

“Are we not going to talk about us?” She asked again and this time you pushed yourself up onto one elbow to look at her.

Emily had to hide a smile as you looked at her through sleepy eyes. Sometimes when you came to her, she knew it wasn’t about a case, no matter what you said, sometimes she could tell that you just needed to sleep but there was too much going on in your mind. Sex had always been a sure fire way to make sure you slept.

“Us?” You asked, feeling too tired for this conversation.

Why was she talking about ‘us’? There wasn’t an ‘us’, she hated you, she had from the minute you stepped into the BAU so why on Earth was she talking about ‘us’?

“Come on, are you really going to sit there and say you still hate me?” She asked, raising a brow at you. “We’ve been sleeping together for months now, Y/N.”

She was right, it was probably near on a year since your undercover case when you first slept together. What confused you though was the fact she said you hated her, you had never claimed to hate Emily, only mirrored her attitude towards you.

“You’re the one who hates me.” You grumbled, instead of answering, causing her to roll her eyes.

“I don’t hate you, Y/L/N,” she said like you were an idiot, “sure I argue with you but you’re the one who started this.”

“What are you talking about?” You asked, sitting up now and glaring down at her. “You’ve had it out for me since the day I started working at the BAU.”

“What are you talking about?” She asked right back. “I didn’t have it out for you. I was excited to get a new team member and you were nothing but cold towards me.”

“You’re kidding right? First day I was there all you did was posture and glare at me!” You snapped and began to make a move to get out of bed.

“Wow, ok, just wait, ok?” Emily said as she put a hand on your forearm, stopping you in your tracks. “Listen, I think, maybe, we might have gotten lost somewhere. This isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go, ok?”

You didn’t reply, instead you shook her hand off of your arm and crossed them over your chest. You didn’t make a move to leave though so Emily continued.

“I just wanted to know what this is between us, ok? You say this is just sex, fine it’s just sex but if you want something more…” She said, trailing off.

Your eyes went wide at her words. You could honestly say you hadn’t considered anything more with Emily, not thinking that there would ever be a possibility of more. Hell, half the reason for your fiery arguments was because you were jealous of how she acted with everyone else, she treated everyone else like she liked them and then when she turned to you it was like she was a different person.

“You’d want something more?” You asked, avoiding giving an answer causing her to smile.

“This isn’t about me.” She said, reaching over hesitantly and placing her hand on your knee.

“It’s as much about me as it is about you.” You shot back causing her to roll her eyes.

“Fine,” she relented, not wanting to start an argument. It would be so easy for you to argue with her now, your go to deflection when it came to each other was to argue, pointing your weapons at the others deepest hurt. “Yes, I’ll admit that lately I’ve been thinking about something more with you.” She confessed, her voice steady and confident…more confident than you felt right now.

With Emily you knew where you stood, you were meant to not like each other, you were meant to argue and fight but now she was completely rewriting the narrative and you felt out of place. Thoughts of what could be crossed your mind and you had to say you didn’t hate what you saw.

“How would we even work? I mean, I don’t think we’ve had a single conversation where we haven’t argued.” You said and Emily watched a small smile pull on your lips.

“We’re not arguing now.” She told you, causing you to roll your eyes but the smile stayed so she figured she was on the right track. “You don’t have to say anything now.” She told you softly.

You shook your head.

Giving it a try couldn’t hurt…right?

“You get one date to impress me, Prentiss.” You said seriously causing her to let out a laugh of disbelief before she pulled you back down onto the bed and wrapped the blanket around you.

“You really are something, Y/N.” She said, causing you to smile into her chest before the two of you finally fell asleep.

-

Emily had impressed you and it wasn’t long before you were falling for her hard. You told yourself you wouldn’t get attached but it was hard when Emily was so amazing.

The arguments didn’t stop at work but they became lighter, you stopped aiming for each other's biggest weakness and instead poked fun at each other, the arguments turning into bickering.

The team had raised their eyebrows but everyone was too thankful that the arguments had stopped to bring it up, deciding that it was best to let the two of you work things out and bring it up to them. Though that didn’t stop Derek poking fun at Emily and Rossi at you.

The two of you began getting paired up together on assignments, working in harmony together causing Hotch to shake his head at the pair of you. How many times had the man told you both how well you’d get on if you just gave the other a chance? He’d lost count but surprise, surprise the man was right.

Everything was going great. You and Emily were spending most of your free time together, she took you out to dinners, movie dates, she took you to gallery exhibits and you made sure to return the favour. Though all the going out dates were amazing, the two of you were partial to staying home, cuddling on the sofa with a glass of wine and something forgotten playing on the TV as the two of you focused on nothing but each other.

Really, should you have been surprised when it came to a crashing halt?

You were all gathered at Rossi’s for JJ’s surprise wedding and you were outside with Spencer but excused yourself to go and grab a drink from inside. Just as you were about to round the corner you paused as you heard Hotch ask:

“How are you?” You heard Emily let out a sharp exhale causing Hotch to speak again, “That bad? He asked.

“What?” You heard Emily ask in confusion, causing you to smile.

“That’s your tell,” he told her and the two of them continued on like that for a moment before Hotch drew the conversation back to the original topic.

You stayed hidden, not liking the fact that you were eavesdropping but you had noticed something had been off with Emily, it had been ever since she had come back to the team but then the two of you got together and things went back to normal. However, in recent days she had been acting nervous but shrugged it off everytime you asked.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hotch asked and you leaned closer, awaiting her response.

“Absolutely,” she said after a moment of silence, “but not now.”

“First thing tomorrow?” Hotch replied.

“It’s a date.” Emily assured him and you were quick to move when you heard footsteps.

Once Hotch had passed, making his way over to Beth, you rounded the corner and saw Emily stood alone with her drink.

“A date, huh, should I be worried?” You asked with a forced smile. Emily looked at you in surprise before smiling at you.

“Of Hotch?” She asked before shaking her head, “I wouldn’t be.”

Though she was smiling at you, you could tell her thoughts were somewhere else.

“Are you sure everything’s ok?” You asked, watching as she stayed silent before nodding.

“I’m sure.” She said before taking your hand in hers and leading you outside.

It was a beautiful ceremony but your mind was focused on Emily. You noticed the looks of concern Penelope kept shooting her and the sad expression of Derek’s face.

You wished somebody would tell you what was happening.

-

You dropped it for the night, not wanting to ruin the happy atmosphere from JJ’s wedding but the next day you were determined to get an answer from Emily.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked as she entered her apartment after meeting Hotch.

“You tell me.” You shot back, not in the mood for any more deflections.

“Y/N,” She sighed, moving to come closer to you but you took a step back causing her to stop.

“Just tell me what’s going on.” You pleaded, eyes wide as you silently begged her. You watched as she sighed before nodding to herself.

“I got offered a job to run the London Interpol office.” She told you honestly, not wanting to drag this out any further. There was no delicate way to tell you but she couldn’t help but wince at her own words.

She watched as you frowned, eyebrows pulling together as you took in her words. She watched your mouth move but no words came out.

“What?” You finally spoke.

“Clyde offered me a job, running the head office. I haven’t given him an answer yet.” She told you quickly.

“But you’re going to say yes.” It should have been a question but it wasn’t, you knew Emily. If she was still thinking about this then she wanted it.

“I haven’t given him an answer yet.” She repeated, causing you to roll your eyes.

“But you’ve already made your mind up, right?” You knew she had, you knew she was going to choose this job.

“Y/N,” She pleaded but you just shook your head.

“No, it’s fine.” You said, nose scrunching as you pushed back tears, refusing to cry.

“Ever since I got back it’s been…I haven’t been able to grab onto my old life and pretend nothing happened.” She told you and you got that you really did but still you were allowed to be sad.

“You started this with me, Emily!” You yelled suddenly, fury coursing through your veins, “You started this relationship with me, I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask you to be with me, that was all you! And now you’re just leaving for some job in London!”

“Y/N please,” She began, she knew you were right. She hadn’t been fair to you.

“Good luck in London,” You scoffed before pushing past her and making your way out of the apartment, ignoring her calls for you.

You had told yourself at the start of this not to get attached to Emily but now as you sat alone in a bar, playing back the memories of the two of you, you could see that you had fallen hard for her…you loved her.

Weeks passed since Emily left. You didn’t say goodbye to her before she left, though she tried to contact you. You hated that you felt like this, the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you sat in your empty apartment. You didn’t want to miss Emily, you didn’t want to need her.

You just wanted her to come back and be here with you.

When you were first getting together with Emily, if you had known what you knew now you never would have played so nonchalant, you would have told her that you loved her, you would have said those three words every single day.

But now she was in London, surrounded by taxi cabs and busy streets and yet none of them would bring her back to you.

-

You were finally on your way home from a long case, sat on the sofa watching as Spencer stared at the empty seat across from him, still reeling from losing Derek.

You missed him too. Being on this team, losing people, it was draining. You were still mourning the loss of Emily and it had been so long since you last saw her.

Hotch had taken himself off to answer a video call but you weren’t paying attention, you sat with your headphones in and looked down at your phone blocking everything out but your attention was brought back up when Hotch tapped your shoulder and gestured for you to take your headphones out.

“Huh?” You said, sitting up and turning to him.

“We have a case.” Hotch announced causing everyone to groan but before anyone could start complaining he said something that made you turn pale. “It’s Emily.”

The jet stayed silent, Hotch and Rossi glancing at you worriedly.

“What do you mean it’s Emily?” JJ asked which you were grateful for.

Hotch was quick to fill you all in on the information Emily had given him about the copy cat murderer but you were hardly paying atttention. Emily was coming back, she was going to be in New York with you.

You stayed behind the team as they entered the station, not ready to face Emily just yet. It had been so long since you last saw her and you hardly knew what to do.

“There she is!” You heard Rossi exclaim as he pulled Emily close, kissing her cheeks. You watched as a bright smile spread across her face.

She looked great.

JJ and Spencer hugged her, her smile only widening with each new person. You watched as she hugged Hotch before her attention finally settled on you.

“Y/N,” she began, feeling overwhelmed as she took you in. “Hi.”

“Nice to see you.” You said softly, playing with the hem of your jacket.

“It’s nice to see you too.” She replied, desperate to reach out to you but terrified of the response.

Hotch cleared his throat causing you both to turn away from each other.

“Rossi and JJ are heading to the crime scene,” He told her, “I’m assuming you want to join?”

Emily agreed and with one final glance at you she walked out of the door.

-

“What was that about?” Tara asked you, the only person on the team not aware of your relationship with Emily.

You shook your head, blinking back against the sudden wetness in your eyes before turning to Hotch. You didn’t even have to ask him if you could have a minute, he just nodded at you and told you to take as much time as you needed.

You managed a grateful smile before turning around and finding the bathroom. You locked yourself in a stall and sunk down to the floor, letting the tears flow. You hadn’t known just how hard it would be to see Emily again after all this time.

You thought you were getting over her but seeing her again, you were still so in love with her.

She might have been here in New York with you but she wasn’t staying and she wasn’t yours.

-

Once the case was wrapped up everyone was getting ready to head to the jet. Hotch had already told you of Emily’s decision to fly back with you all and as much as you hated the glimmer of hope you also held onto it like your life depended on it.

You didn’t speak to her on the plane and she gave you the space you needed and once you were back at the BAU she excused herself to see Penelope.

“How are you?” Hotch asked when the two of you were alone.

You sniffed before shrugging, not entirely sure how to answer that but Hotch was patient and he let you sort through your feelings before answering.

“I want to hate her,” You told him quietly, watching as he smiled sadly at you, “I want to hate her so badly. It’s her fault I fell for her in the first place. But seeing her today made me realise, I’m still in love with her, Hotch.” You confessed aloud for the first time, eyes filling with tears again and Hotch was quick to pull you into a hug.

“I don’t wanna need her this way.” You said into his chest.

“I know, I know.” Hotch said as he rubbed a comforting and grounding hand along your back. He watched as Rossi peeked into his office but shook his head causing the older man to shoot you both a sympathetic smile before leaving.

Eventually you pulled away and composed yourself, giving Hotch a forced smile before you and he made your way out of his office, joining the rest of the team in the hallway.

“We’re having family dinner,” Penelope told you, Hotch and Tara, “you in?” She asked and you wanted to say no so badly. You wanted to go home and ignore everything until Emily Prentiss was out of the country.

But another part of you wanted to go, wanted to have the chance to at least talk to her. You hated how you’d left things with her, her thinking you hated her and you not knowing how she felt about you.

You saw most of the team looking at you in concern so you plastered a smile onto your face and agreed to go.

“If somebody is paying for the alcohol, I’m there.” You said, causing them to laugh.

“Yes!” Penelope cheered, “This is happening. You get to tell me everything about Mark and by everything, I mean everything about Mark. I want all the details.” She said and the rest of the team watched your smile falter before you took a breath and forced it back.

Penelope seemed to notice her mistake as she winced and gave you and Emily an apologetic look but you just shook your head and stepped into the elevator.

The rest followed in and it wasn’t long before you were all sitting at a table, Mexican food in front of you and it was easier than you thought it’d be. You sat between Rossi and Hotch, talking and laughing like nothing was wrong.

You took the time to steal glances at her, savouring how beautiful she looked as she laughed at whatever Penelope was saying to her.

“You should talk to her before she leaves.” Hotch said to you. You turned to face him and bit your lip before nodding.

“I know but…I don’t know how to talk to her anymore.” You admitted, hating that you didn’t really know the woman you loved anymore.

“It’ll be easier than you think.” He promised as he patted your hand and excused himself to the bathroom.

Once JJ saw Hotch leave she nodded in your direction, encouraging Emily to get up and make a move. Emily sighed, she wanted nothing more than to talk to you but after the last conversation she really wasn’t sure how it would go.

Biting the bullet, she stood up and made her way to Hotch’s seat.

“Mind if I sit here?” She asked, causing you to look up in surprise. It took you a minute to respond but eventually you nodded. “Thanks.” She said softly, giving you a small smile.

The rest of the table continued chatting, not wanting to make things more awkward for the two of you.

Emily didn’t know where to start, she had dreamed of seeing you again for so long and now she had the chance and she was blowing it.

Thankfully you started the conversation but the topic made Emily wince.

“So Mark, huh?” You asked when the silence became unbearable. Rossi, who was sitting next to you, had to hold back a snort of laughter at your bluntness.

“What about Mark?” Emily asked, unsure of how you were going to take the fact she had a boyfriend.

“Nothing, nothing,” You said with a shrug, “just never really pictured you with a Mark.” You told her, nose scrunched in disgust causing her to smile.

“What’s wrong with Mark?” She laughed, watching as a small smile graced your face.

“Nothing, it’s just…Mark? Really?” That was the ice breaker the two of you needed and by the time Hotch was sliding into Emily’s seat the two of you were leaning into each other’s personal space, talking and laughing with each other.

It was the happiest the team had seen you in a long time.

“So,” You asked during a lull in conversation, “when do you leave?”

“Tomorrow morning.” She told you quietly.

“You can’t stay longer?” You asked and there was a brief pause where Emily looked at you, an unreadable expression on her face. “Not for me, of course. For the team, they miss you.”

“Of course.” Emily agreed. “I miss them too but you know, I gotta get back…Mark and all.”

“Ah, Mark.” You said with a nod causing her to smile sadly.

After that Penelope captured Emily’s attention and she got swept into a conversation with the other girls. You were able to leave the table without them noticing and headed outside, not noticing Rossi following behind you.

He took one look at you and pulled you into his arms.

“C’mere kiddo.” He said as he did and you willingly went to him, needed the comfort right now.

“I’m ok,” you assured him after a while, pulling away from him.

“I know you are.” Rossi said, causing you to smile. “You’re tough but you’re allowed to miss her.”

You just nodded but didn’t respond, not that Rossi was expecting you to.

“I think I’m gonna head home.” You told him after a moment of silence.

“You want me to drive you?” He asked but you shook your head.

“No please, stay. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You said and made to leave, before you turned the corner though you turned back to Rossi, “Thank you.” You called, causing him to smile at you before waving you off.

You hadn’t been asleep long when the knock on your door came. You groaned, cursing whoever it was as they wouldn’t stop banging.

You pulled yourself out of bed, not caring about your appearance, and pulled the door open. Before you had time to register who it was, a pair of soft lips connected with yours in a desperate kiss.

“Wow.” You said, pulling away and coming face to face with Emily.

“Y/N,” She began but you cut her off. Whatever she was about to say would be guaranteed to ruin this and you didn’t want that, if you could get one more night with Emily you were taking it, consequences be damned.

A one more night you got. The two of you fell into bed together, every move desperate, needy, hot…making up for all the time lost between the two of you. Your bodies moved in sync like you had never stopped being together.

Everything felt right and it was easy to pretend that things were normal but then morning came.

“I have to go.” Emily told you as she accidently woke you up getting out of bed.

“Emily,” You began, not ready to lose her again, “just come back, be here, please Emily.” You pleaded with her but knew it was no use.

“I have to go back, Y/N. Baby, please believe me,” she said, sitting on the bed and cupping your cheek, “I want to be here but I have a life there.”

“You have a life here, Emily.” You argued back but she just shook her head.

“It’s different.” She said and you didn’t know what else to say.

What could you say? She had made her mind up a long time ago about where she wanted to be and it wasn’t here with you, it was across an ocean in London with Mark.

“Okay,” You said, nodding your head. “I’m not saying this to make you stay, please don’t think I am but I have to say it, Em, because I regret everyday that I never told you.”

The look on her face told you she knew what you were about to tell her, her eyes filled with tears as she nodded at you.

“I love you.” You confessed softly, tears streaming down your face.

She pulled you in for a kiss, so gentle that it made you cry even more.

“I love you too.” She whispered against your lips.

Watching her leave again somehow hurt more this time around, probably because you had both admitted you loved each other but it still wasn’t enough. You still weren’t enough for her to stay.

She left and left you in pieces on your bed, tears steadily streaming down your faces as you buried your face in the pillow that still smelled like her, cursing that you needed her this way.

You just wanted her to come back to you.

__________________

Emily Taglist - @grccnaway, @chaoticevilbakugo, @ppgrayson

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emily prentiss imagines emily prentiss imagine emily prentiss fanfiction emily prentiss x reader emily prentiss smut emily prentiss emily prentiss x y/n emily prentiss x female reader criminal minds x reader criminal minds angst emily prentiss angst criminal minds reader insert criminal minds imagines criminal minds imagine cm one shot cm imagine cm imagines cm fic rossi x reader he loves her like shes his own daughter so does hotch paget brewster imagine

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0o-junebug-o0

1 year ago

It's A Beautiful Thing

summary: Emily struggles to come to terms with her sexuality and goes to Tara for help after a disastrous hookup

genre: hurt/comfort

cw: internalized homophobia, comp het (compulsory heterosexuality), implied/referenced sexual assault (NOTHING HAPPENS it's just assumed that it did), religious trauma, religious guilt, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of abortion, using sex as a coping mechanism, unhealthy relationships to sex, Jemily mentions, coming out, unrequited love (or at least it's believed to be)

wordcount: 1.9k

Emily sits on the corner of the bed and sighs as she pulls her pants back on. Her whole body feels wrong and she wants to leave. She looks over at the door to the ensuite bathroom and listens to the sound of the shower running. She shouldn’t leave while he’s still in the shower. That would be cruel. It’s not like he was bad or did anything she didn’t want, it just didn’t feel right.

She picks her bra off the floor and looks around for the first time as she clasps it behind her back. The whole room is painfully male. She hates it. And she hates that she hates it.

Emily closes her eyes and runs her fingers through her hair to detangle it as best as possible. Her chest feels tight and she leans forward, burying her face in her hands and tucking her head between her knees. The sound of the shower feels like it’s drilling into her skull and the smell of sex that surrounds her makes her feel sick.

She presses her hand over her mouth and chokes on a small sob. She needs to leave, she needs to get out of here. She lifts her head and takes a deep breath before picking up her shirt and pulling it over her head. She then grabs her purse from where she’d discarded it in the corner of the room and pulls out her phone.

An idea strikes her and she slips her phone into her pocket before knocking on the bathroom door. “Jackson?” Emily calls out, keeping her voice steady with practiced ease despite feeling like she’s about to implode.

The water shuts off. “Yeah?” he calls back.

Emily squeezes her eyes shut for a moment before speaking. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. I just got a call from work.”

“Yeah, yeah, you should go,” Jackson says sounding surprisingly okay at the thought of her leaving. “Go kick some ass.”

Emily opens her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. “I will. I’ll call you,” she lies.

“Yeah! Yeah! Just lock the door on the way out, you can do it from the inside.” There’s silence for a moment before the shower turns back on. Almost immediately, Emily rushes out of the room and out of Jackson’s apartment, making sure to lock the door.

She takes the stairs instead of the elevator, unable to stand the thought of standing still for a moment longer than necessary. After five floors she makes it to the basement level parking lot and she thanks her past self for not drinking because her car is here and that means she can leave now.

Emily unlocks her car and throws her purse into the passenger seat not caring that it immediately slides to the floor. She climbs inside and closes the door behind her before slamming the heels of her palms against the steering wheel.

“Fuck!” she cries, curling her hands into her hair. She feels like she’s about to explode. Everything is so wrong and she doesn’t know how to fix it. Sex with Jackson was supposed to fix it but that just made it worse and now she feels gross and dirty through no fault of his. A strangled scream tears its way up her throat. Why does she have to be like this? Why can’t she just be normal? Why can’t she just have sex with men and enjoy it?

Tears pool in her eyes and Emily angrily swipes them away. She needs to leave, to get far away from this stupid apartment complex. She starts the car and it takes nearly all of her self-control not to tear out of the parking lot. She’s already distracted, adding speeding on top of that would be a recipe for disaster. She needs to talk to someone. She wants to talk to JJ but she won’t understand and Will and the boys will be there and she just can’t.

Emily parks along the edge of the road and pulls out her phone, opening her texts with Tara. She stares at the screen for a moment before typing, “Can I come over?” and hitting send. Emily closes her eyes and tries to calm herself while she waits for Tara’s reply. Her hands squeeze a white-knuckled grip on her steering wheel and each breath rattles in her chest.

Her phone buzzes in her hand and she looks down.

“Come on over.”

Emily shuts her phone off and drops it into the cup holder between the seats. She wipes away the tears that had managed to fall and, checking to see if the road is clear, does a U-turn and drives toward Tara’s house.

The turmoil Emily is experiencing makes the drive feel simultaneously seconds and hours long. She turns onto Tara’s street and parks along the curb in front of her house. She leaves her purse in the car, only grabbing her phone and keys, before climbing out and walking up the steps to Tara’s front door, locking her car behind her.

The closer she gets to the door the more panicked and ashamed she feels and by the time she knocks, she’s barely holding it together. The door swings open and Tara takes in her appearance with wide eyes and clear concern. Emily opens her mouth to speak but all that comes out is a choked sob. Tara pulls her into a hug and Emily nearly collapses in her arms.

They stand there for a while, Emily sobbing into Tara’s shoulder, as they stand on the threshold of her house. Eventually, Emily’s crying subsides and Tara leads her inside with a hand around her waist, closing the door behind them. Tara guides Emily into the living room and onto the couch, keeping her arm around her.

Emily leans forward to rest her head in her hands and Tara pulls her hand away to brush Emily’s hair to the side and tug on the collar of her shirt. “Emily,” Tara says softly. “Did someone—”

Emily shakes her head, recognizing the voice Tara uses when speaking to victims and realizing that there must be a hickey on her neck. That combined with the state she’s in: it’s only natural Tara assumed something had happened. “No. It was–it was consensual. It just–“ Her voice breaks.

Tara doesn’t speak, waiting silently for Emily to continue.

“It just felt wrong,” Emily whispers. She keeps her head bowed, too ashamed to look up at her friend. “How did you do it?”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean,” Tara says kindly.

Emily uncovers her face and sits back against the couch, chewing on one of her nails. The tightness in her chest is still there and she doesn’t know how to say it. She doesn’t know how to ask the question she so desperately needs to ask without sounding offensive.

“You can speak your mind, Emily,” Tara says.

Emily chuckles. Thank God for profilers.

She pinches the bridge of her nose with her free hand. “How did you let yourself be with a woman?” she whispers.

Tara is silent for a moment. “I don’t know how to answer that question.”

Emily sighs. “I think I’m gay.” She opens her eyes and looks over to Tara to gauge her reaction. She knows she’ll be fine with it, she has a girlfriend for Christ’s sake. But this is the first time Emily’s ever said those words out loud and she’s terrified.

Tara nods and smiles softly at her but doesn’t speak and Emily knows she can tell that she hasn’t finished saying everything she needs to.

“I’ve tried so hard not to be,” Emily admits. “I’ve had boyfriends, I’ve had sex with men.” She lets out a pained laugh. “I’ve even gotten knocked up. Did you know that, Tara? When I was fifteen and living in Italy, I dated a boy I didn’t like because I wanted to fit in and stop thinking about a girl. And we had sex that I wanted but didn’t like and he got me pregnant. My friend helped me get an abortion. All that because I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I liked a girl. And–and I’m doing the same thing now! I went to a bar and went home with this guy to have sex that I wanted but didn’t like, all because I want to stop thinking about a girl. Like maybe if I let enough men fuck me I’ll stop liking women. I–I know that’s not how that works and I know being gay isn’t something that needs to be fixed but I feel like I need to be.”

“Emily,” Tara says gently. “There is nothing wrong with you.”

Emily sighs. “I know that, Tara.”

“I know you know that, but I think you need to hear it. There is nothing wrong with you for liking women. I know it’s hard and it will take time but you are going to have to accept the fact that you’re gay. You can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing. It’s not healthy. And it’s not fair to yourself or to the men you’ve having sex with.”

Emily nods, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. “I know it’s not. It’s just my whole life I’ve been thinking that maybe this guy, maybe this time it won’t feel wrong. Maybe this time I won’t feel gross and–and—“

She shakes her head, unsure of how to finish.

“I know there won’t ever be a ‘this guy’ or a ‘this time’. It won’t ever feel right with a man. But that scares me, Tara. I don’t know why it scares me but it does.”

“Because it’s a scary thing. Realizing and accepting a part of yourself you tried to push away is scary and it’s hard. Especially if you’ve spent a good portion of your life hearing that that part of you was wrong like I suspect you have.”

Emily nods. “Catholic guilt,” she whispers.

“Catholic guilt,” Tara echos. “I don’t know if you still believe in God, Emily, but in case you need to hear it: you wouldn’t be gay if it wasn’t God’s intention. He made you exactly the way you’re supposed to be.”

A violent sob forces itself from Emily’s chest and she can feel her whole body shaking with the force of her crying as Tara pulls her against her chest. Emily doesn’t know if she believes in a God anymore either but knowing He doesn’t hate her fills her with relief.

Emily doesn’t know how long she and Tara stay like that, holding each other close as Tara runs her hands through her hair. But eventually, Emily’s sobs subside into sniffles.

“It’s JJ, isn’t it?” Tara asks softly.

Emily stiffens and sits up. Tara’s hand falls into her lap.

“What?”

“The woman you’re trying not to think about. It’s JJ, isn’t it?”

Emily opens and closes her mouth before slowly nodding.

Tara looks across the room to a photo of her and her girlfriend. “It’s a beautiful thing, loving a woman. Don’t you think?”

Tara looks back over to Emily, who is still looking at the photo.

Eventually, Emily nods.

__________________

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0o-junebug-o0

1 year ago

reblogging this bc im proud of it