GBHE - Tumblr Posts

Unlike others in the family Ardeidae, the Great Blue Heron completely lacks cervical vertebrae. This (in combination with a great love for limoncello and diet primarily consisting of small fish and rodents) has earned it the sobriquet of ‘Avian Danny DeVito’.

The endangered Gross Blue Heron is an awful, terrible bird. It can be trivially identified by its unkempt greasy feathers, clouded eyes, and (should you be unfortunately downwind) the stench of rancid meat. Further compounding their vileness, these birds are measurably racist. It is strongly recommended amateur naturalists bring along a small pistol or club for use in the event this despicable beast deems them ‘impure’. Regrettably, their status as an endangered species requires a preponderance of evidence that one’s life is threatened before their destruction is permissible, so be gentle when fighting this disgusting, horrid creature or you may face severe repercussions.

Prone to displays of balletic elegance, Grand Blue Herons outshine their merely Great cousins with ease. With graceful footwork and perfectly-coiffed plumage, these artful dancers will eagerly perform complexly choreographed routines with but a moment’s notice. Above, a Grand Blue Heron revels on a patio to the delight of a garden party out-of-frame.

With a storied history of warfare, Gorgeted Blue Herons are so named for the protective ‘ruff’ covering their breastbone. Fossil records imply these now-decorative feathers were once much heavier and interwoven, so as to deflect or soften otherwise lethal blows to the sternum. While it is true these fierce warriors can still be found engaged in brutal combat, the nature of conflict has changed to a decidedly non-lethal approach, thus reducing the gorget to a largely decorative role.

With a characteristic call of ‘yoo WAN nah FITE’, aptly-named Goading Blue Herons are notorious amongst experienced birders for their incessant and needlessly provocative behaviour. While novices in the field may misidentify them as Gorgeted Blue Herons due to their belligerent demeanor, they can be easily distinguished by a reluctance to engage in actual combat. That said, The Academy of Bird Sciences advises anyone without adequate self-defense training simply ignore these nuisances on the off-chance they are in fact Gorgeted (or even worse, Gross) Blue Herons

Ready to strut their stuff with scarcely a moment’s notice, Glorious Blue Herons put their merely Grand cousins to shame. Immaculately styled, these fashion mavens can be found at all hours of the day giving personal care tips to more sartorially-deficient wading birds. Above, a Glorious Blue Heron stands with wings akimbo demonstrates an assertive yet self-satisfied stance to a small flock of sanderlings (not pictured).

/!\ DO NOT APPROACH THIS BIRD /!\

This is a Gross Blue Heron, one of the most vile and disgusting birds to stalk the Earth. Over the past few weeks there have been seven confirmed fatalities of small children and under-informed dogs who have mistaken these fell beasts for Great Blue Herons in fancy dress for Halloween. When you are out and about trick-or-treating this year please be wary and change your route should you encounter one; losing out on full-size candy is a small price to pay for keeping your innards from becoming outards.

Reblogging for Daytime Americans because no, seriously DO NOT. MESS. WITH THIS BIRD. I cannot stress enough how incredibly deadly the Gross Blue Heron is in close quarters and doubly so for people with restricted movement due to Halloween costumes. They are relentless and fully aware that they are protected by both the Endangered Species Act and the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, so you have very few legal recourses should you fight back.

/!\ DO NOT APPROACH THIS BIRD /!\

This is a Gross Blue Heron, one of the most vile and disgusting birds to stalk the Earth. Over the past few weeks there have been seven confirmed fatalities of small children and under-informed dogs who have mistaken these fell beasts for Great Blue Herons in fancy dress for Halloween. When you are out and about trick-or-treating this year please be wary and change your route should you encounter one; losing out on full-size candy is a small price to pay for keeping your innards from becoming outards.

Minor point of correction but that actually appears to be a Gluttonous Blue Heron! The confusion is understandable as they look very similar to their Great Blue cousins, but you can spot the difference by the prey they attempt to capture. Great Blue Herons tend to eat modest meals, whereas Gluttonous Blues go after prey larger than their heads. Unfortunately they don’t often survive past three years of age as their diets put enormous pressure on their internal organs; most extant museum specimens were collected post-mortem after the bird died of a torn stomach.

When your meal is as big as you are…. #greatblueheron #heron #saltlife #fishing #fish #swfl #southflorida #birding #bird #birds #notachicken #birdnerd #lovefl

It has been ridiculously difficult figuring out the proper ID for this GBHE, but I can confidently say that is NOT a Goading Blue Heron. I’ll admit I was inclined to identify it as such BUT

the wings are in a neutral-to-supplicative position with interlocked feathers

there is no false gorget

they have a generally pleasant ‘vibe’ (don’t laugh, it’s an important identification criterion)

It took digging through three waist-high piles of unsorted field reports but I’ve come to the conclusion that this is an incredibly endangered Genial Blue Heron. These are super-rare! Most of them were wiped out by the paradoxically endangered-yet-invasive Gross Blue Herons so I am really excited about this find. Thank you so much for tagging me in this!

“羽の日光浴するアオサギ先輩 この鳥っぽくない体勢が(*´∀｀) 7/1 #アオサギ” (アワビかʢ•̀رق•́ʡホタテか(@dededenmusi)さん | Twitterから)

Your eyes are not deceiving you, that is in fact a clean Gross Blue Heron. I am not exactly sure how this happened, because these terrible birds never intentionally bathe. Perhaps it was unlawfully captive-raised by a particularly hygienic exotic animal keeper? Mysteries abound. Regardless, no matter how clean or filthy the GBHE, you should never approach or attempt to rear one as they are extremely dangerous and racist birds protected by both the MBTA and the ESA.

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Despite a heavy coating of grease and body oil, the feathers of Gross Blue Herons are not waterfast. As a consequence, they are easily bogged down by the very waters in which they hunt. Where other, more mature birds would take this as a sign to update their hygienic routines, these foul fowl instead become enraged that the world itself does not change to suit them.

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As Gross Blue Herons age, their necks become more crooked and angular. This is of course a side-effect of their terrible hunched posture and refusal to take stretching breaks when engaged in repetitive activities. As a result, these irresponsible birds experience a constant low-level pain which further exacerbates their sour temperament.

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Debate continues over whether the uncouth habits and antisocial mannerisms so engrained into older Gross Blue Herons are instinctual or learned. While there is compelling evidence towards their instinctive distaste for proper grooming (seen in the juvenile specimen above), they appear to learn their social cues from their parents. Above, a young Gross Blue Heron pays careful attention to their parent savagely attacking a field intern.

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I am super stoked about this!!! This is the first I think actual factual non-commissioned art inspired by my work here at The Academy of Bird Sciences.

HOWEVER

(she says, pedantically)

It appears you’ve accidentally drawn a Gorgeted Blue Heron instead! The giveaway was the fact that it’s holding a sword; Gross Blue Herons use short clubs or their own bodies because it makes their racially-targeted violence more ‘personal’. Gorgeted Blue Herons on the other hand are all about martial appearances, cleaving to more ‘elegant’ instruments of warfare.

Don’t feel too bad about this sort of misidentification! It happens all the time among field interns, no doubt in part because the Alpha codes all resolve down to GBHE.

Night shift doodle! How better to represent the Gross Blue Heron than with the V of Swords. He’ll take everything you have and doesn’t even feel a little sorry. Inspired by @maverick-ornithography​.

@probablementundinosaure submitted:

Please help, what kind of heron is this?  (Photo: Jane Purslow, Tina Gartley, Lou Waldock, Walter Chavers)

That is a Gamboling Blue Heron! They are very clumsy fliers, tending to tumble and botch landings. To untrained observers it might appear that they are simply having an inordinately good time cavorting about, but they actually live very stressed-out lives as they can’t figure out what they are doing wrong or how to improve. Above, a Gamboling Blue Heron spectacularly fails to land safely, both in method (on their head) and perch choice (the nest of a VERY territorial Osprey). 

Guerrillous Blue Herons are masters of ambush strikes and long-term area denial tactics. While they are often significantly outclassed and outnumbered, their scouting brilliance and dagger-sharp beaks ensure they are never caught unarmed or unawares. Curiously, despite being deadly melee combatants we’ve seen fewer reports than a decade ago of GBHE-caused fatalities in recent border skirmishes. Whether this is due to a political shift (so as to appear more sympathetic to outsiders) or simply lulling their enemies into a false sense of security, only time will tell.

Garrulous Blue Herons are masters of ambush chats and long-term conversational tactics. Capable of holding one-sided conversations for an astonishing eight hours or more, these horribly dull herons never quite seem to realise how restless or uninterested their conversational partner is. Experts in the field of Ornithobehaviourology believe this may be a holdover from their ancestors, who are thought to have hunted by literally boring their prey to death.

I need some help. My son was recently playing by a pond when a heron came out of nowhere and swallowed him whole right before my eyes. I live in Florida and I'm wondering what kind of heron it was. I also what to know if there is any way that my son might still be alive. If not, how can I find his remains? Please answer this as soon as possible.

Okay as a general preface here for all of my readers: Please do not raise a child in Florida. Something will eat them, eventually. It is the Way of Florida.

As to the meat of the question, there are three main birds in Florida which possess the child-devouring capabilities you mention: the Gluttonous Blue Heron, the Gator-commanding Blue Heron, or some variety of Pelican. Here are some super-quick writeups of how your situation may have gone down; whichever sounds closest is probably your culprit.

Gluttonous Blue Heron (which I have written about before) would most likely approach the child if he was eating candy or some other food, and devour him along with the tasty morsel. If you are quick, you’ll be able to find his remains inside the remains of the GBHE as they often die of burst stomachs. (image source)

Gator-commanding Blue Herons don’t usually commit deeds of child devourment, instead using their contubernium of alligators to do the actual snatching; this is what happened in the rather famous Disney World Incident. If this is the case, what is left of the child will be inside up to nine archosaurs so good luck with that. (image source)

Pelicans would be the most likely to simply saunter up and engulf the child, but you said heron so I am least confident on this bird being the culprit. That said, Brown Pelicans are masters of the cosmetic arts so you may have seen one in disguise. Don’t bother trying to find the body if this is the case, as you will be eaten too. (image source)

Easy to spot in the field by their long limbs and generally self-conscious demeanour, Gangly Blue Herons tower over their multitudinous cousins. Exploited by other ornithoids for their remarkable reach, these elongated birds are often consumed by body image issues as their daily lives rarely bring them into regular contact with other birds of similar stature. This lack of representation engrains a warped standard of beauty, making it much more difficult for these birds to love their own bodies.