Hbo The Last Of Us - Tumblr Posts

joel miller | survive

masterlist | taglist | ko-fi

words: 4.7k

warnings: 18+! not for minors! please please please read the warnings and skip this one if you're uncomfortable with the subject matter.

episode eight reimagining with the same hard-hitting themes: blood, violence, cannibalism, sexual assault, killing, abduction, vomit. reader takes the place of ellie. angst. hurt/comfort. no happy ending as requested because i wasn't sure that could exist in these circumstances, but there is now a part two where joel takes care of reader and the fic ends on a lighter note.

prompt: Hi! Would love to request something for Joel Miller 🥰 Angst but with a happy ending, after seeing episode 8 I thought maybe reader is with Joel and Ellie, but this time Ellie stays back to keep an eye on Joel so reader gets kidnapped and is the one Joel basically comes back from the dead to save? hahshxdjfbf I just imagine them reuniting and UGH 🥹❤️ Feel free to ignore this if inspiration doesn’t strike!

tags: @sweetbabygirlsworld

You’re terrified of losing Joel. So terrified that instead of watching him shiver and sweat on an old, bloodied mattress as his infection spreads, you opt to go out and hunt. It isn’t solely selfish. You need food, and Ellie needs to rest. At least this way you’re doing something productive rather than waiting for a miracle. 

Still, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything but the knot in your stomach, the one that keeps asking “what if?” What if Joel doesn’t make it? How will you survive past that grief for long enough to keep Ellie safe? How will you go back to Jackson and tell Tommy that his brother is gone?

You’re lost in those thoughts when you hear the crunching of snow, and you try to shake them away, readying Joel’s shotgun as you search for the source. 

A deer. It’s so beautiful that for a second, you forget that it’s supposed to be your next meal. You’d forgotten beauty still existed in a world so broken, forgotten that nature can still be kind. 

But humans can’t. Not if you want to survive; not if you want Joel to survive. 

You take a deep breath. Adjust your posture. Shoot. 

The bullet doesn’t hit where you want it to; where you know you should have been aiming if only you weren’t so distracted. The deer darts away. Whispering a curse, you follow the trail of blood —

And find more than you bargained for. Two men wait with the dying deer at their feet. They look… clean. Comfortable. Not people struggling to find food or clothing. You raise your gun again immediately, and theirs point back at you. 

“Put your guns down,” you order, trying to sound braver than you feel. You did alright before Joel came into your life, but it’s been a while since you’ve been alone and it’s hard to summon the strength that used to come so easy. 

“You first,” the darker-haired man says, narrowing his gaze. 

The fairer man glances warily before slowly lowering his. Good. At least one of them is smart. 

“Not going to happen. On the ground. Kick it away.” You shift on your feet, gripping your gun tightly and readying your finger on the trigger. You don’t enjoy killing people, but you will if you have to. If it means getting back to Joel and Ellie. 

“James,” the unarmed man says, calm authority firm in his voice. The one in charge, then. “Do as she says.” He holds up his hands in surrender as his friend, James, finally puts his gun away. “We mean no trouble. We’d just like to talk.”

“So talk,” you bite out, making no move to lower your own gun. 

“Alright.” His breath is visible in the cool air, nose pink and runny. “My name is David. This is James. We’re from a town just south of here.”

“Good for you. Maybe you should go back now.”

An amused smirk twitches at his mouth. “Thing is, we have a lot of mouths to feed down there, and this deer… it would keep us going for a week. Maybe two.”

“Shame it isn’t yours,” you say.

A short sigh escapes him. “Right. It is a shame. But if I could offer you warm shelter and good food, a welcoming community, why couldn’t we share?” 

You raise your eyebrows. “I’m not interested in negotiating.”

“With all due respect, ma’am… as far as I can tell, you’re all alone in these woods. There’s no reason why you have to be.”

It’s clear the other man, James, isn’t in on David’s kind offer. His mouth is pursed in a thin line, jaw grinding as though he’s holding back from saying something. Welcoming community, my ass. 

Still, an idea strikes. You need something else more than you need the deer, and if this town has supplies… “You have medicine in this town of yours?”

David hesitates before dipping his head. “We do.”

“Antibiotics?”

“Yes…”

Hope swells in you for the first time since Joel was injured. 

“If you put the gun down, we’d be much more open to discussing what it is you need,” he continues. “Please?”

Gulping, you slowly lower your gun — but you keep it in your hand just in case, stomach still filled with unease. Not every settlement will be like Jackson, and there’s something… off about these two. 

“If you get me that medicine, you can have the deer.”

“We can do you one better. We have a nurse down in the village who can help you with your injury. If you just come with us…”

“No,” you say. “You’ll bring the medicine here, to me.”

Another strange smile. “You’ll be much more likely to survive the winter if you let us help you.”

Impatient, you raise your gun again. “Bring it or stop wasting my damn time.”

David lifts his hands again. “Okay. Alright. James, go and fetch what the lady needs.” 

“David—” James begins to protest, but is quickly cut off. 

“Go on now.” 

Reluctantly, he does, and then it’s just the two of you. 

“I know a place you can get warm,” he offers. “It’s just through the trees. An old greenhouse. No need to wait out here in the cold.”

It makes your gut twist, how he seems to be determined to get you moving, to take you out of these woods. And there’s a glint in his eye, something untrustworthy there — even his right-hand man seemed to see it. Nobody follows orders like that with pure reasons. He’s… scared, or at least threatened. 

“I’m fine just here.”

“Okay. What’s your name?”

“I’m the one holding a gun, which means I’ll be the one asking questions. How many people are there in this town of yours?”

“Forty. Like I said, there’s room for one more. Perhaps it was God’s will, us meeting today.”

Oh, good, you think. He’s a God botherer. You didn’t particularly subscribe to religion before the world turned to shit, and you sure as hell have better things to do than pray now. 

“Unless you’re not alone.” His voice seems to lower as though he knows something, and you stiffen instinctively. “Is the injury yours?”

“It’s none of your business.”

He no longer seems to be staring down the barrel of your gun, but right into you. “Because a few of our men had some trouble a few days ago. A man, a woman, and a young girl. Man was thought to be badly injured, you see. If he lived… well, I’d imagine that kinda wound would be susceptible to a nasty infection.”

He knows. He always knew. The raiders you crossed paths with, the ones who hurt Joel… 

You no longer feel like the one holding the gun. You feel like the deer bleeding on the snow between you. Prey. Still, you set your chin. “I don’t know what you mean. I travel alone.”

“See, I believe you, but the thing is… my friend, James… he’s not so certain. I’d imagine that once he comes back with that medicine, he’ll be rounding up a few men to go hunting for these people. If what you’re saying is true, I wouldn’t want you to be caught in the middle of that. That’s why it’s much safer you just come with me now, see?” 

Your upper lip curls into a warning snarl, finger twitching on the gun’s trigger. But if you kill him, you won’t get Joel’s medicine. You’ll lose him. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.” 

“Hmm.” He debates this. “There’s a third option.”

“Not interested.”

“I think you are,” he pushes. “I think you’re one of them, and I think you’re trying to help your man. Very noble, but strange. You don’t seem a good match. You’re so… young, so calm, and from what I hear, he’s dangerous. Ruthless, even. A cold-blooded killer. Maybe if you come into town with me now, we can arrange for that medicine to be delivered without my brigade charging in and doing some damage. There’s a place for you. Your daughter, too. You don’t need to be tied to him anymore.”

You want to scoff, or else laugh in his face. Does he believe you’re that simple, that stupid? Does he believe you’re a fucking damsel in need of saving?

Anger simmers in you at the thought. “I think it’s about time you shut up.” You point the barrel at his head now, right between his brows.

He doesn’t balk, doesn’t tremble, doesn’t so much as blink, and you’re beginning to understand. He’s the type of man who uses religion to veil whatever monster lies beneath. He isn’t some small-town do-gooder, though he might believe it. 

You dread to think what he might be capable of. 

“I think it’s about time you drop your weapon.” The voice doesn’t belong to David. It comes from behind along with the feeling of cold metal against the back of your skull. You risk a glance over your shoulder to see the man from before, James. You should have heard him creep up, should have seen, but you were so focused on the one in front of you.

Your heart thunders as you realise you might not get out of it this time. 

“We only want you to come with us,” David says, eyes round with feigned innocence. “That’s all. We don’t want to hurt you.”

“The gun to my head says otherwise. What would God say about this?” you retort, dripping venom because it’s all you have left. 

A strange sadness crosses David’s face. “It didn’t have to be this way.”

Before you can pull the trigger, something heavy slams into your skull, and then darkness swallows you whole. 

***

You wake in a cage, the taste of blood on your tongue and your wrists bound by rope. David is on the other side of the bars in what looks to be a kitchen, utensils hanging on the wall. Great butchers’ knives and cleavers wink at you in the watery daylight. You go cold with fear, crawling to the furthest corner of the cage. 

“Let me go,” you say. “Let me go!” 

“I’m sorry. It’s for your own good,” he says. “You were corrupted, but I can help you see the light again.”

“Why are you doing this?” You’re choking on a sob, thoughts of Joel and Ellie running through your mind. What if they found them? Joel is in and out of consciousness and Ellie can’t fight on her own. 

David curls his fingers around the bars. “It’s God’s will. I was meant to meet you today. This is where you’re supposed to be.”

“In a fucking cage?” you spit, voice echoing around the kitchen. You pull at the rope until your skin splits, crying out when you realise this is it. There’s no way out. You’re trapped, and you have no idea what this man truly wants with you. 

“This is merely a precaution,” he says. “I was wrong about you before. You are dangerous too. You have a dark heart, just like me. If you would just surrender, you could be part of this community.”

You squeeze your eyes closed, clamping down on a plea. You doubt it will do any good. Still, tears roll down your cheeks. “Fuck you,” you whisper. 

“You don’t understand yet. You will.” David takes a step back, and somehow the prospect of him leaving you here causes your stomach to turn to water. 

“Don’t do this,” you say. But he walks away with a glint in his eye that promises he will be back, and you’re left alone. 

Dizziness rattles through you as you pull yourself onto your feet, testing the sturdiness of the bars in hopes you’ll find a weak spot. But it’s padlocked closed and the screws are in tightly —

Something catches your eye, pale and fleshy on the kitchen tiles. 

An ear. 

In the kitchen. 

You vomit without warning as it all comes together. You wonder if the community even knows that their leader feeds them people. Wonder who was last in this cage and how long it took for them to become a meal. 

You scramble against the ropes again and pray — not to whatever fucked up God David worships, but someone — that you find a way out. 

***

“Joel!” Ellie shakes him frantically and finally he comes to. Sweat glistens on his forehead, his face drawn and pale, but he finally ate something earlier and she’s been keeping him hydrated as he drifts in and out of sleep.

Now, he frowns and hums in question.

“Y/N isn’t back. She didn’t come back, and now people are here.”

The sound of shuffling outside is only growing louder, and she keeps her voice to a whisper as fear grips her. It’s not like you to go more than two hours without checking in, even if you haven’t caught anything for dinner yet. That four hours have passed means something is wrong, and Ellie doesn’t know what to do, how to find you. She needs Joel. She needs you. 

“What?” Joel struggles to sit up, the mattress groaning under his weight as he clutches his injured stomach. But he’s alert, awake, and that’s better than he’s been in days. 

“She isn’t back,” Ellie says again, voice trembling now. “Someone’s here, Joel. They know about us.” 

Understanding clears through the fog in his eyes slowly, and he looks up as he hears the floorboards creak above. “Shit,” he curses, dragging himself slowly to his knees. Ellie watches, pulling out her own gun. “Hide somewhere. Let me deal with it.”

He’s in no fit state to deal with anything, but when Ellie protests, he shushes her and orders her to do as he says, so she does. And as he readies himself for a fight he can’t win, panic rushes through him. You’re not back. Somebody is here. 

He’s failed again, or at least is about to, and this time it’s you he’s afraid to lose. 

He summons that anger when the silhouette slowly stalks down the stairs. Summons it a lot more when he’s throwing an arm around the idiot’s neck to squeeze the life out of him. 

***

Joel has forgotten his injury. He’s forgotten anything but you; the thought of you alone, in danger, afraid. His fingers curl into fists at his side, and when the attacker finally rouses, he orders Ellie to leave the room. He doesn’t want her to see what comes next; who he becomes when he’s trying to protect the people he loves. 

Nausea twists through him, but it mingles with anticipation. Some sick excitement. He’s good at being violent. Better at being vengeful. 

“Where is she?” he asks, voice just steady enough to be assertive. 

The attacker mumbles something, and Joel’s patience quickly dwindles. 

“Who are you?” he asks, louder now. 

The attacker shakes his head. Doesn’t want to play. 

Joel brandishes his knife. 

The attacker’s eyes widen in fear as he presses the point into his finger, ignoring the throbbing in his stomach. “You want to do this the hard way?”

“I'm not telling you anything.”

Joel tilts his head and clenches his jaw. Then in one swift motion, he’s gripping the arms of the chair the attacker is tied to, quivering with anger as he towers over him. “Last chance.”

The attacker purses his lips, and Joel steps back, watching him sink in relief — relishing in that false sense of security. Then he throws the first punch, the impact of fist to jaw singing through his bones. He shakes out his hand, punches again. Blood splatters, but he goes again twice more just for good measure, growing weaker with every blow. He stops when he realises that, knowing he needs to conserve his energy to get to you. 

“Where the fuck is she?” he bellows.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about!” 

He plunges the knife into the attackers knee, the sound of bone crunching and flesh squelching as blood dribbles down his jeans and the attacker cries out. That’s when he begins to beg. That’s when Joel knows he’ll tell him anything. 

“Alright!” he’s whimpering. “Alright, please!” 

“Tell me where she is or I swear to god, I’ll pop you’re fucking kneecap off.” Joel drives the blade deeper, thirsty now. Desperate. He can’t do this without you. He needs you safe. If he finds out you’re hurt…

“With David!” he blubbers. “She’s with David in town!” 

“What tooooown?” (oh, you thought I wouldn’t?)

“Silver Lake!” 

“Who the fuck is David and what does he want with her?” 

“He…” the man chokes on his own sobs again, and Joel tugs on the knife, earning a piercing scream. “I don’t know what he wants, okay? He’s the leader! He… he took to her, I don’t know!” 

A chill crawls down Joel’s spine and his vision blurs as he pauses. His blood-drenched fingers tremble, and he doesn’t know how to make them stop. “What do you mean, he took to her?” 

The man spits out blood. “He likes her. Wants her to join him. I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I told you everything.” 

Joel wants to tear him apart then and there, but he pulls out his map, yanking the knife from the man’s knee to put the hilt in his mouth. The attacker howls, tears streaking down his cheeks. Joel wants to tell him he’ll do a lot fucking worse if he finds you harmed. He wants to say a lot of things, but cotton fills his mouth and he needs to find you. He needs to stop wasting time. “Point it out to me.”

“It’s not a real town. It’s just a fucking community. I don’t know.”

Joel grips the man’s collar, and his voice falls deathly low. “Point it out to me or I’ll make sure your other knee matches.”

It’s enough motivation for the attacker to pinpoint a spot. His blood stains the map, highlighting a small valley between the forest and mountains. 

Joel puts the map in his back pocket and slits the man’s throat before he can beg for his life. He’s not feeling merciful today. 

***

David comes back for you an hour later. “Have you reconsidered?” 

You only glare at him, your wrists bloody and your eyes gritty from so many shed tears. To your surprise, he unlocks the cage. Despite your better instinct, you stay seated, stay calm. You won’t get out of this if you try to run now. He has the upper hand, and you’ll let him have it, hoping his arrogance, his underestimation of you, will be his downfall. 

“You must be hungry,” he says. “Come. Let me show you what I can offer.”

Shakily, you rise from the ground. “Will you at least untie me?”

“I’ll think about it.”

He leads you out of your kitchen. When he’s not looking, you lean your back to the table and snatch an abandoned knife, slipping it up your sleeve. 

The front of the building is laid out like an old, cheap restaurant and bar, candles burning and booths lining the windows. 

“I’m glad you’ve calmed down,” he says. “Now we’ll get a chance to know each other properly.”

Slowly, you begin to saw at the rope with the knife as he leads you to a booth. Two plates are set at the table, a candle lit in the middle, and you think about the ear on the floor. Wonder if the meat in the stew is not animal, not your deer. You want to throw up again, but you swallow down the bile in favour of relief: the rope has snapped. You keep your hands behind your back as you shuffle in your seat, trying to avoid looking at the meal. The smell of it makes your stomach turn. 

“What do you want from me?” you ask finally. 

David places a napkin on his lap. “I’m showing you hospitality. Hospitality you haven’t earned, might I add. Where is your gratitude?”

“Where the fuck is my medicine?”

Without warning, he stands and slaps you, and you can’t control your anger as the sting prickles along your cheekbone. You throw your plate at him, the food splattering his face and staining his shirt, and then you run. 

A mistake. He hauls you back quickly, and the two of you topple to the floor as he slams your wrist down, forcing the knife away. He pins your hands and then straddles you, and you know what comes next. You know, and you shouldn’t, and this isn’t happening. 

“You need to be taught some manners,” he croons, taking your chin in his hands. “A girl like you… you need to learn how to submit. Especially when we’re married. But don’t worry.” He leans down as you squirm, whispering into your ear, “We have time for that.”

“No!” You shout, slapping him away and doing your best to wriggle away. But he’s heavy on top of you, and he’s reaching for his belt, and there’s no way out. No hope. Nothing. “Get the fuck off me, you sick bastard!” 

He slaps you again, lash twice as hard this time, and you taste blood. 

You refuse to let it end like this. You refuse to let him destroy you. You let your body go slack as he unbuckles his belt, reaching out a hand and scrambling for the knife again. It’s under a chair not far from you — you just have to wriggle a little further. 

“It’s sad that you can’t accept that this is how it’s supposed to be. This is God’s will. You and me… we’re the same, underneath. We have the same violent heart,” David is muttering, and there, your fingertips brush the hilt. Determination renewed, you extend yourself again and this time the knife falls into your hand. 

You don’t have time to think; he’s unbuttoning his jeans, and like hell are you going to spend another moment beneath him. You drive the knife straight into his neck, and his eyes bulge as he gurgles on his own blood. As he goes limp, you push him off you — and stab again, again, again, spitting every bit of revenge into your movements as his blood covers his skin and your clothes. 

“You twisted fucker!” you’re yelling, tears rolling down your face as the shock draws in, the disgust. He’d been so close to taking you. So close to making you a victim after so long spent fighting to be a survivor. “Go to fucking hell!” 

You only stop when the fear numbs and you realise he’s no longer moving. Blood soaks both his shirt and yours, and you push yourself off him. His dead, milky eyes stare at you. When you catch a candle guttering in your periphery, you grab it. Crouch with it in your hand. Light him on fire. The flames spread along his clothes, and that’s how you leave him. 

Ashes. Bloodied, dead ashes. 

***

Joel and Ellie have fought their way through a blizzard. He’s surprised he’s still upright, but he saw bodies hanging in the stable and he can’t collapse now. Not for Ellie, and not for you. This community is built on something worse than infected or fascism, and when he found your jacket, your backpack, in that same room as the corpses… 

He can’t see anything but red and white. 

Ellie stops behind him suddenly. “Did you hear that?”

“What?” He catches his breath, looking around. There’s a long building close by, but he hasn’t seen any movement yet. 

A scream rents through the air, and he knows it’s you. His heart picks up, stomach plummeting as he runs around to find the entrance. And there you are, collapsing out of the doorway. 

He says your name as he catches your wrist, and you instantly cower away, screaming. “Please, no! Please, don’t!” 

He’s never heard you beg for anything before, and his world tilts on its axis. What the fuck have they done to you?

“Baby, it’s me!” He draws you close, cupping your jaw with his palms. Your eyes are haunted, face pale, and there’s blood. So much blood. You’re still fighting him, pushing on his chest, and he stumbles back. “It’s me. Look at me. It’s me, darlin’. It’s Joel!”

Your breaths are ragged as realisation finally dawns across your features. “Joel,” you whisper. 

“It’s me,” he says again, eyes filling with tears.

Your gaze moves to Ellie, and only then do you crumple. He catches you just before you fall to your knees, straining against his injury. “Oh, baby. Oh, baby girl,” he murmurs into your hair. “I’m here now. I’m here now. You’re okay.”

Sobs wrack through you and he wraps his arms around you, holding on so tight he worries he might hurt you. But you clutch his shoulders just as hard, fingernails digging through his coat. You shake beneath him, and his own tears drip onto his cheeks. He pulls away quickly to look you up and down. Blood streaks through your hair.

“Where are you hurt, baby? Tell me where it hurts.”

You shake your head. “I… I don’t know. I don’t know, Joel. I don’t…”

It’s like you’re not even here with him, and he wants to break. But he has to stay upright for you. He has to be strong for you. He shrugs his coat off quickly and puts it around you, catching sight of your reddened wrists as you adjust the collar. Those bastards tied you up. Hatred drowns him, and he looks at the building you emerged from only to find orange flames flickering in the window. It must have been you, he knows, and he can at least feel proud of you for that, but still, the thought of what they might have done...

“Alright. Come on. Let’s get out of here.” He pulls you to his chest, offering his other hand out for Elllie. She takes it, looking shaky as she carries both her bag and yours. 

“They were… They were eating people, Joel,” you say, voice thick and unrecognisable. “I just wanted to get medicine, and they took me. They took me. They were eating people and he was going to… He wanted…” 

“I know,” he murmurs, holding you tighter. “I know.”

You stop without warning. “They said they had medicine. You… We have to go back.”

“No, no, hey.” He laces his fingers through yours. “We ain’t going back there for anything.”

“The infection—” you protest.

“Look at me. I’m here. I’m okay. I just needed to rest is all. We don’t need any medicine now. We just need to get you somewhere safe.” His heart pangs. The fact you’ve been through hell and are still willing to go back to help him… sometimes he wishes you weren’t so damn selfless. He should have been the one protecting you today. It’s his fault you’re here. His fault you’re hurt. 

You scrape your hair back and then, looking at your shaky fingers, seem to finally see all the blood. “His blood is in my hair.”

He can at least be relieved it isn’t your own, but the look on your face… he’s never seen so many scars written in one expression. 

“I need to get it out. I need…”

“We’re gonna. We’re gonna help you clean up soon, okay?” He tucks your hair away, lost, because he doesn’t know how to do anything else. Doesn’t know how to make it all go away. “I’m so sorry, baby.” His voice cracks.

Your chest heaves with a stifled sob as you rub your hands and look out towards the lake. “Oh, god.”

Joel closes his eyes, wrought with regret. At his side, Ellie turns her gaze to the floor. It’s his worst fear come true. The reason he’d tried to get Tommy on board with taking Ellie the rest of the way. 

He’d failed again. Was always failing. 

All he can do is hold you close as you fall apart.

return the favor {{masterlist}}

Fandom: The Last of Us (TLOU), will mostly follow the timeline and events of the HBO show, but will pull lore and tidbits from the games as well!

Pairing: Post-Outbreak! Joel Miller x Smuggler! Reader

Summary: With a past as rich as anyone in the times after the Outbreak, you find your medical and survival skills to be a valuable asset. You were dropping off some medical supplies that FEDRA was willing to pay big for when you got tangled up in a mission that involves a teenager with a mouth almost as smart as yours and gruff older man whose graying curls were his only redeeming quality. But the longer you traveled with them and the more that happened out in the open land of what once was, the more you find yourself connecting with them and wanting to protect them both at any cost.

Word Count: 131.5k - ongoing

Warnings: canon typical language, canon typical violence, canon typical gore, description of injuries, description of anxiety, symptoms of anxiety, tense situations, sexual content, sexual propositions, smut, p in v, unprotected p in v (pls don’t do this w/o previous communication w/ your partner), joel’s emotionally constipated 

Keep reading

Decisions, Decisions

Click here for my masterlist.

Click here to add yourself to my taglist.

Notes - If this is ooc or some things are wrong I’m sorry! I literally know nothing about tlou other than what I’ve seen from episode one.

Prompt - ‘Sometimes you make the wrong decision and that leads you to the right decision.’

The thing about the end of the world is that nobody expected it. Sure it was a thing everyone knew would happen one day, one of the many, indisputable facts of life, but nobody ever thought it would happen to them. When people pictured the end of the world it was usually a wave of fire and panic before nothing, everyone expected nothingness at the end of the world.

So when the world did end on some random day in September people didn’t realise it for what it was, not yet. There was no end worlding bang, no thing in the sky falling down to destroy everything.

There was panic though, God was there panic. Every person was consumed by that panic, that fear of what was happening, so consumed that they couldn’t think past it, couldn’t think about whether there was a future after this.

It was the end of the damned world and yet the world stayed standing.

There was fire, a lot of fire, cities, houses, cars and planes went up in flames, smoke spreading fast and thick until people struggled to breathe through it. There was screaming too, people lay on the ground screaming as the dead bit into them, people screamed as they ran from the dead who moved too quick, people screamed as the military raised their weapons and shot them just because they had been ordered to.

The world stayed standing but everything else ended.

Communications had long since stopped working, if you were alone when it happened then you were alone for good…at least for a while. If you were one of the lucky ones you kept yourself safe until you could get taken in by the official quarantine zones. If you weren’t lucky then the dead would make quick but painful work of you.

Those were the two kinds of people nowadays, the lucky and the unlucky, the dead and the survivors.

Then there was you.

You weren’t lucky, you weren’t a survivor. When the world ended you had panicked along with everyone else. You were alone in Texas, it hadn’t even been a month since you moved out there for some job you had sworn was going to change your life.

You had no idea how you survived as long as you had, months into the outbreak or whatever this thing was, you were tired. The panic still existed, it consumed your every waking minute, you paused before turning a corner, held your breath at a creak in the house. You were trying to make your way to one of the safety points the government had set up, the ones closest to you all filled and your feet ached as every car you passed failed to work.

You were tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being scared, tired of being alone, you were tired of being tired.

So when you left a house you had spent the night in and heard a noise to your right you knew you had a split second to make your decision. Did you want to die? No, of course you didn’t, the answer came to you straight away but then so did the next question; did you want to live?

The answer didn’t come to you so clearly this time. You didn’t want to die but what was there to live for anymore. This was the world now, no hope, no cures, nothing. Why would anyone want to live in this world? It wasn’t living anymore, it was surviving one day just to survive the next.

And that was your answer wasn’t it, there was nothing to live for so why were you still fighting?

You saw it coming for you out of the corner of your eyes before you scrunched them shut, bracing yourself for the pain and hoped it would be quick. You felt its hand grab you before it went limp and fell to the floor and you let out a shuddering breath as your eyes flew open and down to the ground before turning to look around.

You weren’t lucky, you weren’t a survivor; you were something else. You were saved, saved by a man who looked as tired as you were, saved by a man who look like he was carrying a hefty weight on his shoulders, a man who scowled and shook his head as he snapped at you, asking what the hell you were thinking.

As he stepped closer to you your mind began running at a mile a minute. The main thing you felt was relief, thankful this man had made a decision for you, thankful he hadn’t left your fate up to you.

When he was close enough you didn’t even think, you couldn’t think properly, instead you threw your arms around him and hugged yourself to his chest. The man let out a small huff as he went tense in your arms before he sighed and wrapped your shaking figure in his arms.

“You’re ok.” He told you, his voice was gruff as he spoke and you couldn’t stop the sob that left you, one of the man’s hands lifting to cup the back of your head.

It had been so long since you had spoken to another person, you didn’t know who to trust these days but months of isolation were bound to make you just a little bit desperate for human contact.

“Sorry,” you said as you pulled away, voice croaky from not speaking for so long. “Sorry, I um, thank you.”

“You’re alright.” He told you again before his eyes ran over you, checking for something before his frown deepened. “Where’s your weapon?”

They were already dead, kept moving by whatever virus or parasite had infected them but still…it had never sat right with you to kill them. So you didn’t. It had been months since the world ended and you hadn’t killed a single one of them.

You weren’t a survivor, you weren’t lucky. You were careful and you calculated every single move you made.

You were tired.

“I don’t have a weapon.” You watched his frown deepen even more if it were possible.

“You don’t have a- how the hell have you stayed alive?” He asked you and you couldn’t do more than shrug at him. “You were ready to let that thing get you.”

It wasn’t a question, he had witnessed it himself and you weren’t going to correct him. Both of you knew you were grateful for his intervention.

Joel got it, he really did. Some days it took all his energy to not put a bullet in his own head or be done with it and let the dead have at him. The months since Sarah had been killed, had died in his arms, had been the worst of his life. He got you being ready to leave it all behind because most days he was right there with you.

And Joel looked at you and saw himself. He saw the tiredness, the bone deep exhaustion, he saw the hurt and the brokenness that felt like it would never mend. He saw himself in you but he also saw you, he saw the way you didn’t carry a weapon, he had watched a moment that was probably your most vulnerable and he had watched the relief in your features as you fell against him.

It didn’t take him much longer to make his decision.

“C’mon we gotta make the most of the daylight.” Joel said after a few moments of silence and began moving before you could even register his words.

In the span of five minutes you were making two life altering choices, you regretted you first decision but you had a feeling you were making the right decision this time and trailed after Joel as he led the way and for the first time in months it felt easier to breath as you made your way through the city, watching as Joel lay a protective arm in front of you, pushing you behind him, as he dealt with the dead.

__________

Joel Miller Taglist -

  New character, add yourself to the taglist.

Thank you so much for reading!🤎

Lost It All But Found You

Click here for my masterlist.

Click here to add yourself to my taglist.

Prompt - “What do you miss most? About life before all of this.”

You were already in bed by the time Joel came back from his shift and didn’t bother opening your eyes as you heard him close and lock the door before quietly walking over to the bed to press a gentle kiss just above your eyebrow. He was quiet as he shut the bathroom door and a few minutes later you heard the shower running, you knew he had been on body burning duty, the job everybody hated getting but paid well.

You let your mind wander whilst Joel showered, a dangerous thing to do most days but especially today when you, even twenty years after the outbreak, were feeling the effects of everything. Some days were fine, they were easy and it felt like you had accepted that this was how the world was now. Those days were great, you liked your little apartment, didn’t mind that you couldn’t leave the walls, you didn’t mind going to work. It was nice to pretend, especially when in those moments it didn’t feel like pretending.

Then there were days like today. Days where you struggled to drag yourself out of bed, hours after Joel had left for his shift. This morning was hard, you felt like your body was being weighed down by the weight of the thousand questions you had that would never be answered, questions of what had become of the people you loved, questions of what if’s and how could this happen. Days like today the world didn’t feel real, it felt like a dream that you would wake up from but you never did. Eventually you pulled yourself from the bed and went to work, on these days your body was on autopilot, you didn’t remember getting ready for work, you hardly remembered being at your job but the repetitiveness of it made it easy. The whole time you worked you weren’t really there, instead you were deep in your head.

It had been twenty years since the world went to hell. Twenty years was a long time, twenty years of questions swarming your head until you felt like you were drowning. How had this become your life? The world had ended and here you were sweeping the streets like it was a regular old day.

You hated it.

Being inside the walls on days like this felt suffocating and you longed to go outside. Joel went out sometimes but he never took you, always said his runs were too dangerous and you didn’t doubt it but a part of you would always long to see the outside of those walls again. The thought of being within the walls until you died made your skin crawl, trapped from the outside world because there wasn’t a cure for this virus, there would never be a cure.

That thought always consumed you with anxiety, turned your blood cold and you had stopping to force yourself to breathe, to push past the tingles in your hands and calm down. Sometimes you could handle it alone but most times it ended with you sitting with your back pressed to the wall and Joel walking in on you, moving over to sit besind you as he pulled you into his arms, his fingers running groundingly up and down your back until it was easier to breathe.

Today you had at least managed to make it to your bed before the anxiety became too much and ever since you had been in an almost paralysed state of staring at the wall in front of you until your eyes were too heavy to stay open and they fell shut though you couldn’t fall asleep no matter how drained your body felt.

You had been so focused on your own thoughts that you didn’t hear the shower shut off or Joel moving around the room as he changed into something comfortable before climbing into the bed behind you.

Joel felt you jump slightly as his arm slid around you, your head turning to look up at him with a confused look before you blinked several times and seemed to register it was just him. He pulled you closer so your back was flush against his chest, his arms around your waist and fingers drawing shapeless patterns into your skin. Slowly he felt you beginning to relax into his touch, not fully out of your head but enough that you could focus on the things that were real.

Joel pressed a kiss to your head and let his lips rest against your hair, smiling softly as your hands came to rest on his arms, your fingers coming to mess with the watch that had sat on his wrist for twenty years.

When you were like this it was easy for Joel to get lost in his own head with you but he always shoved his own thoughts down, it wouldn’t do well to have the pair of you out of your minds with grief.

Joel didn’t say anything, there were never any words to say when you were having a bad day because everything you were thinking was true, every bad thing you thought about the world was right. Joel knew how hard it was to carry the questions that were swimming around in your head because he carried his own questions, felt the weight of them every day.

So instead he did what he could do, he could hold you close to him, he could make sure you didn’t get too lost in your head, made sure you had his touch to ground you back to reality. He would be there for you in ways he knew he could. Most of the time when you had a bad day you tended to not want to speak anyway, sometimes you wanted to hear Joel speak, it didn’t matter what he said but sometimes you just needed more than his touch to help you find your way back. There was the rare occasion, it hadn’t happened more than a handful of times in the many years he’d known you, where you wanted to talk about what was happening in your head.

Today seemed to be one of those rare days.

“I don’t remember what my family even looked like.” You whispered, voice cracking as tears slipped down your cheeks and Joel felt his heart break, he knew what you meant.

Twenty years was a long time, so much happened and things became harder to remember. The sound of somebody’s laugh, the way their voice sounded when they were happy, the way somebody’s hair fell into their face or how they smiled. You could remember the song somebody sang in the morning, could recite all the words to it but couldn’t ever remember how they sounded when they sang it.

“I wonder about them all the time, did they survive, are they out there somewhere? Some part of me hopes they are but then another part of me, the part that’s tired, hopes that whatever happened that they’re at peace.” You said, keeping your voice low as you spoke and focused on the feel of Joel’s fingers through your shirt.

“I’m sorry.” Joel whispered into your hair and you laughed quietly though it came out as more of a sob really.

“You know what the most bittersweet thing is about this whole thing?” You asked, turning in Joel’s arms so you were facing him now, “I got to meet you, it took the world going to shit for us to meet. You are the best thing in my life, before the outbreak and after, you’re the best person I know.”

“I love you too, baby.” Joel murmured as he kissed your forehead. “I love you so damn much, just hate that it took losing everything else to get here. In another life, baby, God, baby I promise in another life everything would be different, you’d never be scared again.”

“What do you miss most?” You asked him and it was a question that made him pause, not because he didn’t know the answer, God he knew the answer straight away, it was something that stuck with him every day of his life. “About life before all of this.”

He had never told you about Sarah, he didn’t know why he hadn’t but he had never spoken about her. Maybe it was because it was still too raw, too painful. Twenty years had gone since she was taken from him and it still felt like yesterday. You spoke about not being able to remember your family but some days Joel would do anything to get the image of his daughter shot, bleeding and dying in his arms out of his head.

“My daughter.” Joel said quietly and watched you pull away from him as you stared up at him in shock, your eyes were still watery as tears stained your cheeks. “I miss my daughter.”

“Joel-” You breathed out, no words coming to you and Joel couldn’t help but smile down at you as he reached a hand up to brush away the tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“Her name was Sarah.” He told you and his smile widened as he watched you mouth her name to yourself. “She was just a kid, twelve, and the best thing I have ever done with my life.”

“You’ve never told me about her.” You said, not prying for anything else but giving him the opening to share her with you if he wanted.

And he did. He wanted to share his life before the outbreak with you. He wanted you to know Sarah, wanted you to love her like he did because she was his whole world. Even twenty years later when so many of the memories he had with her had become foggy he never lost that overwhelming feeling of love.

“That kid- let me tell you if anyone was gonna call me out on my bullshit it was Sarah. The day the world went to hell it was my birthday and she called me right out for not being home on time, for forgetting the cake. Sarah matched me without ever missing a beat, the two of us could go back and forth all day long” Joel chuckled to himself and you smiled over at him, your full attention on him and he paused to kiss your forehead again. “Kid was more athletic than I ever was, she was on the soccer team, God knows how but I still remember her out on the field, still remember she was number 14. She was brilliant, so many awards that we didn’t know what to do with ‘em.”

“She sounds amazing.” You said softly and Joel grinned down at you even as his eyes shined with tears.

“Yeah, yeah she was.” Joel nodded and took a breath, “me and her used to go hiking together, just the two of us out for hours. I don’t even know what we talked about, can’t remember but I know she laughed, I know she loved going. Most kids her age got embarrassed spending so much time with their folks but not Sarah, hell she was always looking for more time for us to do things together.”

“She knew her dad was a special, smart kid.” You told him with a smile and he chuckled wetly.

“Some army asshole, the day the outbreak happened, it was just me and her, he could see we weren’t sick- Sarah hurt her ankle in the accident and I was carrying her but he could see we were fine and this asshole shoots at us. I tried to protect her but…she died in my arms and I couldn’t do anything.” Joel told you and you felt your own eyes well with tears again but you pushed them back as you pulled Joel into you, holding him against you as you murmured soft words of comfort.

“I’m so, so sorry Joel.” You felt your neck wet with his tears as he cuddled into you but you also felt him smile before he pressed a kiss to your skin. “I’m really glad you told me about her.”

“Me too, baby.” He murmured and you ran your hands through his hair. “She was my whole world, that’s what I miss the most from before.”

The two of you held each other, both of your minds filled with what had been lost, what could never be, thoughts of another life where you had met, where you knew each other's families…you had both lost so much and sometimes that pain was easy to get lost in but, through all that pain and suffering, you had also found each other, had found a love neither of you had thought possible, had found the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with even if it was this version of a future that nobody had seen coming.

You and Joel were each other's anchor, making sure you stayed afloat when it was so easy to give up. This new world might have taken everything from you but it had also given you Joel and it was bittersweet but you were grateful to have found him, you weren’t sure either of you would have made it this far without the other.

__________

Joel Miller Taglist (Click the link in my bio to add yourself!) -

@avengersfan25​,

Thank you so much for reading!🖤

Get Out Of Here (Not Without You)

Click here for my masterlist.

Click here to add yourself to my taglist.

Prompt - “I need you to trust me, there’s no time to explain,  just do everything I say and you’ll be safe.”

When you had first moved to Boston you knew then and there you knew your life would change, accepted into one of the top schools on a full ride scholarship, leaving your small town behind and being the first in your family to make such a huge decision. Of course you hadn’t quite expected how drastically your life would change, you hadn’t expected to be sat in your dorm room working on a paper that seemed so important at the time listening to soft music in the background before the radio to cut out abruptly with an emergency broadcast telling you to stay inside, hadn’t expected the flat hum of the phone as it refused to dial any number.

You still remembered those early days, sitting alone in your dorm room with no information on what was happening. You remembered the first bomb dropping, remembered how, even though it was far away, your whole room seemed to shake and you stood from your bed abruptly to run over to your window just in time to see the next bomb. You still didn’t know how you’d survived that but eventually you had to leave your room and that’s when you saw them, or more realistically it saw you first, its head cracking over in your direction before the rest of its body followed and you ran until your chest hurt.

You’d gotten lucky, you’d found one of the quarantine zones in the first month of the government having set them up, you’d been in here long enough to hear people’s horror stories of having to walk for miles, days on end, just to get here, heard how they had narrowly escaped the clickers. You’d only ever seen a handful of them and that had been in the first month of the outbreak, you couldn’t even imagine how they had evolved in the many, many years you’d been in these walls.

It seemed strange at first, hell sometimes it still felt strange, how the world in these walls never seemed to change. Here you were with jobs that provided ration cards, an apartment, if it weren’t for all the guards it’d be easy to forget about the outbreak.

Sometimes you were curious though, you’d stop counting how many years it had been since you first walked into the quarantine zone but it was long enough for you to forget what the outside world looked like. You’d heard stories about what they called the Open City but each one was even more unbelievable than the last, headless clicker roaming the streets, dead that had been set on fire still moving, hordes of them attached to each other as they made their way through the city.

You wanted to go outside, it’s not like you wanted to go very far either but it’d be good to remember what the old world looked like, to remember that beyond these worlds you once had a life, a life that was so different from this.

You had a gun stashed away underneath your floorboards, you remembered how fast the dead things moved all those years ago but it was a risk you wanted to take and there was only one person in the quarantine zone you knew that snuck in and out.

“Joel-” You started to argue but he cut you off before you could even begin.

“Don’t.” Joel said, shutting you down immediately, not even entertaining the idea for a second. “What makes you think I’d ever say yes to takin’ you out there?”

“I’d be with you, Joel, I’d be safe.” You insisted and watched as his face hardened and somehow felt like you’d said the complete wrong thing.

“I can’t keep you safe, Y/N! When I go out there I don’t have to give a damn about anyone else, if I take you out there-” Joel cut himself off as he sat heavily on the sofa and glared at you. “Don’t ask me again.”

“But Joel-” You tried again only to be cut off for a second time.

“What did I just say?” He snapped and you rolled your eyes as you sat down next to him, arms crossed over your chest and definitely not pouting. “Why you so desperate to get yourself killed anyway?”

“Why are you so damn sure I'll get myself killed?” You shot back before sighing and sinking further into the sofa. “I just, I don’t know, ok? Part of me just needs to see the outside world, it’s been so long. I know it’s dangerous, trust me I get it-”

“You don’t get it, Y/N/N.” Joel interrupted you again but this time his voice was softer as he leaned back into the cushions and turned his head towards. “There’s shit out there you don’t need to see, alright?”

“I wanna go outside, Joel.” You told him, lowering your voice to match his, not demanding anything but just repeating it. “I know it’s dangerous and I know I’m asking you to risk a lot but I really want to see outside the walls at least once more in my life.”

“There’s nothing good out there, not anymore.” Joel told you honestly and you nodded, you believed him, the second those bombs fell from the sky it felt like everything good had been taken with them. “You’re safe in here, Y/N, just…just stay in the walls.”

Despite Joel’s warnings you found yourself only a few nights later waiting until the guards’ shifted positions before you were sneaking out, knowing the way through information Joel had let slip across the years. It took a long time, there were a few close calls where you had to be as quiet as possible, but eventually you could see an opening to the city.

By the time you were out of view of the quarantine zone it was too dark to see much of anything, a strange feeling when years ago you had walked Boston’s streets at all hours of night and the streets had been lit up from streetlights, the lights from cars still out at that time, lights spilling out of bars and apartments.

The first thing you noticed was how quiet it was, the stories you’d heard made it seem like the streets would be filled with monsters, you unable to move past them, but the streets sounded empty and so did the building you entered, you weren’t sure how well you’d sleep out in the open city but you were going to hide away until the morning and explore as much as you could before sneaking back into the quarantine zone.

It was surprisingly easy to fall asleep that night and when you woke up the next morning to the sunlight on your face you felt a burst of excitement. Last night it had been far too dark to see anything and you knew you only had a few hours of daylight. It wasn’t long before you were up, double checking your backpack and making sure your gun was loaded before you were pulling the door open, waiting a moment to see if you could hear anything, and heading out into the city.

You paused in the doorway of whatever building you had entered last night and stared out, frozen in disbelief. Skyscrapers had collapsed, some falling into each other whereas others had crumbled into piles of rubble. Greenery covered almost everything in sight and you couldn’t help but notice how the world had never seemed so green before the outbreak, maybe you just couldn’t remember but the city had never felt so full of nature.

As you walked further into the city you saw all the cars, ambulances, police cars, all of them dusty and long since dead, covered with leaves and moss. Your stomach turned as you saw a stuffed bear laying abandoned on the floor, looking up to see a kid’s car seat bloody in the car. You forced your feet to move, surprised at how easy it was to walk through the city, there wasn’t a clicker in sight, you’d been walking for a good hour, making your way through streets and buildings to get to the other side when the way was blocked and other than seeing dead bodies you hadn’t seen much else.

You finally came across a building you remembered, it was the library. In the year you’d lived in Boston you had practically lived in this building, could still remember the text books littering your table as you wrote your papers. To see it now was strange, it was long abandoned and the building had its fair share of greenery growing around it.

You hadn’t even taken five steps into the building, eyes wide as you looked around, when you let out a scream, the sound muffled as a hand wrapped around your mouth and an arm wrapped around your middle, trapping both your arms to your side and stopping you from getting your gun.

“And you're dead.” You heard a voice hiss in your ear before you were shoved away, barely staying upright as you stumbled and turned around.

Joel was stood before you, gun slung around his shoulders as he glared at you and you glared right back even as your breath came out quick and fast and your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest.

“What the hell Joel?” You shouted, stepping forward to push at his chest but he caught your wrist and pulled you close.

“Me?” He questioned in disbelief and tightened his grip as you tried to pull away. “What the hell are you thinking? Clearly you’re not! Jesus Y/N, you could’ve got yourself killed.”

“I asked you to bring me and you didn’t-”

“Don’t you dare put this on me.” Joel told you, his voice cold as he continued to glare at you. “If you die, that shit ain’t on me.”

You knew Joel was only shutting down on you because you had scared him, he liked to think he had his walls up but you’d known him for years at this point and you could read him as easily as you could your favourite book.

Joel hadn’t exactly been looking for friends when you’d met him working the same job but you had been persistent and before he knew it you had wormed your way into his life, even after he swore not to let anyone else in, he couldn’t go through another heartache. At first he kept his distance, refused to answer any questions about his life before but eventually he started letting you in, there was still a lot you didn’t know about his life before but then again the people you were before the outbreak were whole different people so you didn’t mind.

At some point it became second nature to spend all your time with Joel, it was rare to see you without each other and you weren’t surprised when you started liking the man. Joel had been cold and gruff when you had first met him, most people took one look at the man and decided it wasn’t worth the energy it would take to break through that hardened exterior but you hadn’t even given it a second thought, hadn’t been concerned with how long it’d take him to relax around you, you liked cold Joel, he snapped and glared but you liked him.

“Joel,” You began, bringing your other hand up to his, brushing your thumb across his knuckles before pulling his fingers off your wrist, Joel not resisting and you figured maybe he was calming down now that he had you in his sights. “I’m sorry, ok? I know this isn’t a game, I know it’s dangerous but I had to see.”

“Yeah I know you did.” Joel sighed and brought his hand back up to cup the back of your head as he pulled you into his chest and you didn’t hesitate to cuddle into him, finally feeling your heart rate settle. “Is it what you thought it’d be?”

“It’s quieter than I thought,” you told him, pulling back only far enough so that you look up at him questioningly. “It’s weird too, I remember the streets were never quiet and now it’s deadly silent. I remember being in here during exam season and every seat was filled, even if people didn’t speak there was always noise, the turning of a book, somebody coughing, the scratching of pen against paper. The world really ended Joel.”

“You’re alright.” Joel assured as he pulled you back into his chest, wrapping his other arm around your shoulder and it was only then you noticed the tears slipping down your cheeks. It had hit you long ago, the reality of the world, but seeing it again after years of comfortable living seemed to shake you more than you thought it would. “You’re alright, Y/N/N.”

You nodded against his chest and wrapped your arms around his waist, taking a deep breath as you composed yourself. It wasn’t long before you were pulling back and looking around the library. Chairs and tables had been flipped, books and loose pages scattered across the floor whilst leaves and moss covered most of the surfaces.

“We should go.” Joel murmured but you shook your head, turning to look back at him with pleading eyes and he sighed before you could even speak. “One look around and then we go, stay close to me.”

“Thank you, Joel.” You said softly after a moment of silence and watched as he swallowed before he nodded at you and gestured for you to follow him.

Your fingers lightly traced the book shelves, somehow even after twenty years you were still able to find your way around, old, worn signs telling you you had remembered right.

“I used to study back here all the time, me and my friends would work on our papers and prepare for finals.” You told Joel and out of the corner of your eyes you saw him smile softly at you. “Back then it had seemed so important, you know? Like passing those exams or getting the best marks on our papers was the difference between life and death.” You chuckled as you ran your hands along a chair. “God, looking back now we were so stupid.”

“Nobody knew this shit was comin’.” Joel told you and you nodded, looking over at him to see him leant against a bookcase that looked ready to give out.

“It doesn’t even seem real, that life all those years ago.” You frowned as you moved around the table to go down another aisle and Joel nodded, opening his mouth to say something else before you interrupted.

“Oh my god!” You exclaimed, stumbling back into Joel’s chest and he didn’t hesitate to shove you behind him, gun raised before he saw a body on the floor, blood covering him and his chest practically torn apart. “What the hell-”

“Shh.” Joel shushed you, turning around to face you even as his wide eyes focused on everything but you, like he was looking for something.

“Joel-” You whispered but he shushed you again and you felt genuine fear fill you, your stomach dropped and you blood ran cold as you went to look around but Joel stopped you.

“Eyes on me, baby.” He murmured, keeping his voice soft and low, barely audible and you didn’t even have time to appreciate how good him calling you baby sounded as you took a deep breath and turned back to Joel with wide, scared eyes. “I need you to trust me, there’s no time to explain, just do everything I say and you’ll be safe.”

“Joel,” You whimpered and Joel cupped your cheek, bringing your foreheads together as he shushed you once more.

“I know you’re scared, baby, I know,” Joel whispered and you felt your eyes fill with tears. Joel was looking back at you and though he tried to hide it you could see he was scared and if something scared Joel you knew it had to be bad. “We have to be silent now, no more talking, trust me, I’m gonna get you home.”

You nodded and Joel wiped away the single tear that slid down your cheek, before he placed a soft kiss to your forehead and pulled away.

‘Stay behind me.’ Joel mouthed at you and you nodded, practically gluing yourself to his back as he moved, both of you stopping dead in your tracks as an inhuman sound came from behind one of the book cases. You felt your heart stutter as you looked at Joel but his focus was on the direction the noise came from before he turned to look at you.

‘Quiet.’ He reminded you and you nodded, biting your lip hard enough to draw blood to stop any sound from escaping. He tilted his head and you nodded again, keeping half a step behind him as you held your breath.

Just as you turned a corner you gasped but Joel turned and managed to cover your mouth just in time like he had been expecting the reaction. In front of you was, you couldn’t even describe it, it was monstrous, how that had once been human was mind blowing. Tears slid down your cheeks as Joel kept your mouth covered and the thing made its way towards the two of you causing you to screw your eyes shut.

You looked up at Joel when he tapped your cheek and Joel made a gesture where he pointed towards the clicker before he covered his eyes and mouthed ‘they can’t see’ before pointing to his ear ‘they go off sound’. You nodded and Joel removed his hand, watching how your face scrunched up in an effort to slow the tears and suppress any sobs.

He had to get you out of here, it was the only thought in his head as he kept himself between you and the clicker, making sure each step was silent. You’d managed a good few steps before the thing stopped dead in its tracks and turned sharply to face you and you couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath, that was enough for the thing to launch itself at the two of you.

Joel barely caught it, keeping his arm under its chin to avoid being bitten as he tried to get a good shot on his gun whilst also keeping one eye on you.

“Get out of here!” He yelled at you and he could see you frozen in fear. “Y/N, baby, you gotta go now!”

“I can’t leave you!” You called back and the clicker responded to the noise, trying to fight its way to you but Joel kept his grip on it somehow.

“Y/N I promise I’ll be right behind you!” He grunted as he tried to force the clicker back. “You gotta go!”

You waited another second before nodding and he watched you go with a sigh of relief, finally able to throw the clicker to the side. It only stayed on the floor for a second before it snapped back up and lunged at Joel.

Joel shot at it four times, each time missing its head with how much it was moving. Joel managed to shove it back down on the floor and shoot its chest before running the way you had gone, hiding behind one of the book cases and keeping as silent as possible. In the distance he saw you crouched behind one of the tables and took a silent breath as he peered around to see where the clicker was, the thing was up again and moving through the aisles, thankfully going the other way.

Joel stayed silent as he made his way over to you and saw you with your knees drawn to your chest and your eyes screwed shut. He lightly touched your knee and silently shushed you as your eyes flew open.

He pointed to where the clicker had walked off to and saw the gun clutched in your hands, gently prying it from you and seeing how much ammo you had.

‘You, go out the door, wait.’ He mouthed to you, motioning between you and the door before he watched as you shook your head. He nodded back at you before pointing to himself, raising the two guns he held. ‘I’ll distract it, you go.’

‘Joel,’ you mouthed and he could practically hear your pleading town as more tears slid down your cheeks. ‘I’m sorry.’

Joel just shook his head, you weren’t doing this now, right now he had to get you out of here and then he would deal with everything else. You weren’t going to die today, he wouldn’t let it happen.

‘Go baby.’ He mouthed and gestured for the door, watching as you took a breath, your mouth thinning into a line as you choked back sobs before you nodded at him. He cupped your cheek and you brought your hand up to his, hesitating for a moment before leaning forward.

It wasn’t exactly a kiss, both of you were too focused on being silent for it to be more than a brushing of your lips together but Joel pulled you closer anyway and held you against him for a second longer before he pulled back and brushed his thumb across your cheek bone.

‘Go.’ He mouthed again and this time you nodded more confidently as you stood silently and Joel followed after you, the two of you parting ways so Joel could grab the clicker before it got to you.

He knew how fast these things moved and if he had gone with you the door wouldn’t have even been able to open before it was attacking you, at least this way he could be sure you were out of the door and far away from this damn thing.

The two of you looked at each other and Joel nodded at you, he watched you take a breath before your hand touch the door knob and turned it, the sound causing the clicker to let out a loud noise that had Joel lunging for it before it could take more than a step in your direction. He wrestled the thing, trying to shove it as far away from the door as possible and out of the corner of his eye he watched as you left, finally able to breathe a sigh of relief as he focused on the clicker.

It felt like hours before Joel managed to shove it to the floor, sweat pooling at his forehead as he shot both guns, using up all the rounds before he watched the thing finally lay lifeless, not movements coming from it. He took a moment to lean against the wall and catch his breath before he turned his head to the door.

After a few more seconds he made his way out of the building and scanned the area for you, frowning when he didn’t see you but the frown left as you peaked your head out from behind a car. In a few large steps Joel was pulling you into his chest and you were sobbing as you held onto him like he was your life line.

Joel’s hand rested on the back of your head as he held you up, his arms holding you close to him and he could feel your fingers digging into his back as you choked out apologies. Joel just kept shushing you as you continued to apologise, he knew he needed to move the two of you, he had no ammo left and the dark was starting to set in but he wanted to make sure you were ok first.

“Hey,” Joel said, pulling back and tilting your chin so you could look at him, he didn’t speak as he wiped gently at your cheeks, leaving his hands there as he spoke. “You have nothing to apologise for, alright? You needed to see for yourself what it was like out here, I get it Y/N/N, I do but you’re alright, I promise.”

“I should’ve listened to you Joel.” You sniffed and he smiled softly at you.

“You got an idea in your head, I should’ve known there was no stopping you.” He said and you let out a wet chuckle. “I’m not mad at you, we’re both alright.” Those words made your eyes widen and you pulled back abruptly causing him to frown.

“Are you?” You asked, tugging his sleeves up and inspecting it for bites before moving the collar of his shirt and checking there too. Joel chuckled as he caught your wrists in his hands, more gently than he had earlier and shushed you.

“I’m okay, promise.” He told you and your eyes ran up and down him before you sagged in relief, trusting that he’d tell you if he wasn’t. “Now will you please let me get you home?”

“Please.” You practically begged and Joel smiled softly at you before gesturing for you to follow him though there was no need to really, Joel’s arm was still wrapped around your shoulder and you had practically attached yourself to his side.

It was well into the night by the time the two of you got home, having Joel with you made it easier to sneak in and it wasn’t long before you were quietly entering his apartment. The walk home had been mostly silent, your thoughts running a mile a minute and Joel content with the silence and the feeling of you in his arms to tell him you were ok, that you were alive.

“Go clean up and change.” Joel told you as he closed the door and set his backpack down before moving to take yours off for you and then gently pulling your jacket off.

You didn’t say anything, just smiled over at him before moving into his bedroom and pulling out one of his shirts before shuffling into the bathroom. It was only a few moments later he heard the shower running and let himself collapse into the sofa, suddenly feeling drained now that he had gotten you back to safety.

He knew you were too damn curious for your own good, knew that you needed to see the world for yourself. He should have known you’d have gone out there with or without him, hell some part of him had known and that’s why he checked your apartment at five in the morning before marching back to his room and packing his gun, desperately hoping you hadn’t gone and got yourself killed.

Any of the initial anger he had felt seeing you gone had worn off long before he found you and now he could only feel relief. He knew you were terrified, the last time you had seen clickers up close was when the outbreak started, you’d told him about the bombs in the city and being scared at how fast the things were but this was different, this was twenty years of evolution.

Joel sighed and lay down on the sofa, throwing an arm over his eyes. You were fine, the clicker hadn’t gotten near you and he had got you home safe. He could hear the shower running and knew you’d be out any minute, dressed in his shirt and ready to fall asleep in his arms.

That thought sent his mind back to the kiss. God, it hadn’t even been more than a small brushing of the lips but God, it had left him breathless. He knew you liked him, he wasn’t stupid. At this point you had practically moved into his apartment, the two of you spent more nights asleep together in his bed than you’d slept in your own bed since being here. He just couldn’t put himself in a position to get hurt again but today had shown him how even if he went the rest of his life without telling you how he felt he knew if anything happened to you it’d kill him, so why not at least make the most of the time he had with you.

He didn’t mean to drift off, one second he was just resting his eyes and the next he was blinking awake when he felt something shift next to him. He forced his eyes open and looked down to see you had pushed yourself into the small space between him and the sofa, your body more on him really, and a blanket thrown over the two of you. Your hand gently ran across his chest before you lay it flat against him and cuddled into him.

Joel brought his arm around you and you glanced up at him with tired eyes but still smiled at him and he couldn’t help but return the gesture before he placed a soft kiss to your head.

“Go to sleep, baby.” He murmured and watched as your smile widened, eyes lighting up now that you were safe and could enjoy the way the pet name sounded coming from Joel’s lips.

“Does you calling me baby mean you’re ready to tell me you love me?” You asked, tone light and joking so that Joel didn’t freak out.

“Sure does.” Joel said back, your eyes widening and smile dropping when his tone stayed even and serious, his lips twitching upwards as he looked at your expression. He had thought on the way home how he could tell you and hadn’t come up with anything but you had given him an opening and he decided it didn’t need to be a big deal. He knew how he felt about you and now you knew too. “Go to sleep, baby.”

“Yeah,” You said, still looking up at him in disbelief before your lips pulled into a wide smile and you reached up to cup his cheek before pulling him into a kiss.

The angle wasn’t great for it but that didn’t matter as Joel kissed you back, the kiss soft but filled with lots of pent up emotions but there was no rush, the two of you were home and safe and had each other and plenty of time.

When Joel pulled away he couldn’t help but smile down at you, your eyes stayed closed for a few seconds longer before they fluttered open and you smiled back at him.

“God baby, I’ve wanted to do that for years.” Joel told you, causing you to laugh because he could have done that years ago and you wouldn’t have had any complaints. Despite how badly Joel wanted to keep kissing you, hell he could have spent the whole night like that quite happily, he could see the tiredness in your eyes and could feel his own exhaustion pulling at him so instead he pulled you into his chest and wrapped the blanket around you both tightly before pressing a lingering kiss to your head.

“Get some rest now, baby.” He murmured into your hair and felt you nod against his chest, fingers curling into his shirt as you let your eyes fall closed.

The room was silent except for the sounds of your breathing and Joel had thought you had drifted off until you spoke again, your voice was soft, barely above a whisper but you needed to say it before you fell asleep.

“I love you too.” Joel grinned down at you and kissed your head again, whispering the words back once more before he finally felt you relax fully against him as you fell asleep.

He found it quite easy to follow after you, heart light as the confessions were finally out in the open after years of skilfully avoiding talking about your feelings. His fears from earlier were gone now that you were home and safe in his arms and he swore to himself he would protect you from whatever else the world threw your way.

__________

Joel Miller Taglist (Click the link in my bio to add yourself!) -

@avengersfan25​, @happycupcakeenthusiast​, @cilliansangel​

Thank you so much for reading!🖤

I Wish You Would

Click here for my masterlist.

Click here to add yourself to my taglist.

Prompt - ‘I wish you would come back, wish you were right here, right now, it's all good, I wish you would.’

Joel found himself walking the lengths of the gated community most nights, his thoughts wild and harsh, berating himself for being so stupid. Most of the time he waited until Ellie was asleep but some nights he felt caged and marched out whilst the kid was still downstairs, Ellie shaking her head every time he shrugged on a coat and opened the door but he was just glad she hadn’t called him out on his bullshit yet. He knew it was coming, it had been months in the making but he just wasn’t in the mood for it. He’d walked for a while but his feet always ended up taking him down the old familiar path that led him to your house.

How many nights had he spent just standing on your porch, fist raised as he thought about knocking before he turned with his tail between his legs?

Too many, too damn many.

It had been months since the breakup, god how had so much time passed already? He didn’t even know how it had turned into a relationship, he sure as hell hadn’t brought Ellie and himself back here with any intentions of getting himself a girl. But then you showed up, all pretty eyed and bright smiles and somehow, somehow, you had managed to worm your way into his life, somehow you had become part of the small number of people he would tear the world apart for to keep safe.

After Ellie he thought that was it, he didn’t think anybody else would be capable of coming into his life and turning it upside down again. You just seemed to love proving him wrong.

He’d gone twenty years without giving a damn about anyone else but suddenly he seemed to be making up for all that lost time given how fiercely and how strongly he loved the pair of you.

He’d already showed what he was capable of when Ellie was in danger but with you he had never had a reason to show just how dangerous he could be if you were in trouble, thankfully you weren’t put out on duty too often and you spent your time inside the gates but he knew if it came to it he’d kill anyone who even looked at you wrong.

And he had messed it all up. Even before the world ended he had never been any good at the whole dating thing. His job took up most of his time and when he got home he was tired and more content to spend the evening with Sarah than some woman.

He knew he liked you, it was a slow thing at first, he tried to keep you at arm’s length, tried to avoid you and distance himself but damn it if you were persistent. Tommy told him you were good, somehow even after all the doom and gloom you still found a way to be way kinder than people deserved.

It was Ellie that forced you into his life though. She wasn’t a stupid kid, not by any means, and she could tell that Joel liked you. So one day when Joel had gotten up from the sofa to make dinner not too long after she’d gotten in from school Ellie told him she’d invited you over to join them.

The look on Joel’s face was one Ellie had not seen before, he was torn between being pissed at her for springing it on him but he was also flustered, stammering out something unintelligible before demanding she help him cook seeing as she was inviting people over.

He had thought dinner would be awkward, full of stilted silences but seemed to forget that was impossible when Ellie was there. She must have asked you a hundred questions that night, one after the other, Joel had been tempted to tell her to calm it after the first thirty but you were smiling and answering them all, shooting them back at her and Joel couldn’t stop the smile that twitched at his lips.

From then on it became a regular occurrence, you joining them for dinner, most of the time you brought dessert that had Ellie grinning and swiping it from you before you even had a foot in the door. It was domestic in a way, listening as Joel scolded her with no real heat as he let you into the house and you automatically joined him in the kitchen to help finish up the meal. He scolded you for that too insisting you were a guest but you always shook him off with a laugh.

From there it went on, you stayed for longer after dinner was finished, Joel broke out the board games and grouched to himself when he was beaten by you whilst Ellie laughed at his misery. That turned into staying until Joel sent Ellie to bed and he saw you out.

Eventually it got to the point where you were staying long after Ellie had gone upstairs, you and Joel moving closer together on the couch until you were pressed against each other. Each of you usually had a drink and the conversations you had covered pretty much everything, at first they stayed on the safe topics of what you had done before the outbreak and other mundane things but eventually you started opening up to each other, Joel told you about Sarah, you told him how you were the only one who made it from your family.

Joel had never met anybody like you. He was right in his earlier assumption that you were too damn kind for your own good. Joel had told you things that should have sent you running, should have had you keeping as much distance between you and him as you possibly could have. Instead you had taken his hand in yours and rested your head on his shoulder before telling him he had done the right thing, that he had protected Ellie and that was the best thing he could do.

He didn’t know how you’d managed to survive out on your own for so long before coming across this place, too trusting and too nice, but somehow you had and he had never been more thankful.

It had taken months for Joel to finally even admit to himself that he was already halfway in love with you. At the point he had you had practically moved in with them, more and more of your things kept finding their way into their house, you fell asleep on the sofa and help Joel make breakfast before walking Ellie to school and heading to your own job only to meet back up with the girl afterwards and head to their house.

Ellie was a pain about it all, she wanted you and Joel together and she kept coming up with reasons to excuse herself giving you and Joel time together whilst shooting him a look each time she left the room. Joel could only ever roll his eyes at the look but even he could admit it was getting annoying now.

He wanted you, he didn’t know how it had happened but he wanted you and he knew despite everything you knew, despite the fact that he probably wasn’t the best thing for you, you wanted him too.

It took him a few more weeks to finally decide to just jump in head first and see what happened. So after cleaning up from dinner and playing a few games in the living room Ellie excused herself with a pointed look at Joel and this time instead of the half hearted glare he gave her each night he just nodded his head slightly and watched as she gawked at him before disappearing up the stairs, a soft yes escaping her as she left.

You had been able to tell Joel was nervous and usually if something was setting Joel off you’d be on edge too but considering it was just the two of you pressed shoulder to shoulder on the sofa you had hoped you could see where this night might lead. You’d been waiting for Joel to make a move for a long time now, not wanting to be the first to do it with how closed off Joel had been when you first met and then not wanting to ruin the friendship you had patiently formed with him. It was for the better to let Joel take the lead, even if it had been months of waiting.

He had watched your face shift from questioning to realisation and amusement as you settled even closer to him and waited. Of course you knew why he was nervous, some days it felt like you knew every damn thought in his head before he did.

He didn’t bother wasting anymore time, didn’t bother with words that felt stuck in his throat that could never do justice for how he felt for you, instead he just reached up to cup your cheek with a gentleness that had surprised you and leaned in towards you, stopping you before he touched your lips to give you a chance to pull away.

But you didn’t move, your eyes had fallen closed and your breath hitched despite anticipating this. Joel let himself close the distance between the two of you, let himself take a moment to savour the softness of your lips against his chapped ones before the kiss turned hungry, months and months of pent up pinning all channelled into one kiss.

From there nothing between either of you was ever really defined but it didn’t matter, Joel didn’t need any labels to let him know that he was in love with you. Nothing much really changed either after you started dating, it was only a few months after that kiss that Joel finally helped you bring your stuff around to their house and the three of you quickly got your stuff unpacked and you were settled in like you had never not been there.

Joel didn’t realise how empty, how lonely, he was before settling down, before having you and Ellie together, the pair of you at the kitchen table, heads bent together working on her homework, spending the nights with you curled up against him, listening to you laugh as he tried to kick you out of the kitchen as he cooked.

Really he should have known better, past experience should have taught him something, should have made him more cautious, but he had jumped head first in and now it was blowing up in his face.

It had been months, he couldn’t even really remember what that damn fight that made you walk out of the door with tears in your eyes was about. All he could remember was that it was the end of September, a time that always left him emotionally fragile at the best of times, and you had questioned whether he should be the one to go out on the supply run.

You hadn’t been anything but your sweet, soft spoken self, there wasn’t any judgement in your tone, no demands he stay inside the gates, just a simple are you sure you’re ok enough to do this. Joel being the absolute idiot that he was had gone and blown it out of proportion, honestly he was just picking a fight for the sake of it, he had so much anger and hurt and sadness in him that day and he took it out on you.

You who had been an absolute saving grace in this whole mess of a world, you who had stood by him no matter what, you who woke up in the night with whispered words and soothing touches when he shot up sweaty and panting and never forced him to talk about it before he was ready.

He had just kept going and going, yelling at you when you were the last person on this god forsaken planet who deserved it. He kept going until you took a deep breath and nodded, tears in your eyes and turned, walking out of the front door and not sparing him another glance.

It had been months since then, it was well into autumn now, the sky turning dark faster and the leaves turning brown. He hadn’t spoken to you once, he wanted to so badly but he knew he had messed up.

Ellie had called him every name she could think of to get him to see what an idiotic jerk he had been but he didn’t need her to tell him, he was well aware. He was aware of just how bad he messed up, hated himself for leaving it for so long but after he had calmed down and put the bottle of whiskey Tommy had given him months back away he couldn’t bring himself to talk to you.

He regretted it every day and wished he could just follow Ellie’s advice to suck it up and knock on her door you fucking idiot but time kept passing and it felt like too long had gone.

Joel was an idiot, you knew that, but you also knew he wasn’t used to letting other people in. Sure you and Ellie had somehow managed to chip at his walls long enough to slip past his defences and he was trying but you knew it was hard for him.

Spring and summer with Joel had been perfect, the two of you had only grown closer since you’d started dating and you loved the man, emotionally stunted as he was. You knew he had good days and you knew he had terrible ones, ones that left him in bed the whole day, words stuck in his throat as he grunted answers at you.

You didn’t mind, you had never minded. The world was a cruel place now and though Joel had told you a lot of what he’d gone through since the outbreak you knew there were things he hadn’t told you yet and that was ok too, you never pushed, especially not when there were things you kept to yourself.

When you had left his house that day you knew it would end one of two ways, Joel would come and find you once he had a few nights to calm down, to get past the day that haunted him from so many years back. You got it, you really did, it had been years since you lost your family and whenever an anniversary came around you didn’t want to do more than curl into Joel’s arms, hiding away whilst you cried into his chest.

The other option was that Joel would avoid you like you were a damn clicker, making sure the two of you were never in the same room whilst he licked his wounds. You hated that that was the option he went with. It wasn’t just months of dating that just ended one day but it was months of friendship before that. You were so used to his house that when you asked Tommy for yours back and he agreed with a sad look on his face it felt like you were in a stranger's house despite having lived there for years before Joel and Ellie showed up.

There was no more dancing around the kitchen as you cooked, no more stolen kisses and laughter filling the house. Instead you were alone in a house too big for you, cold and empty and missing Joel.

Of course you weren’t entirely lonely, you and Joel might not have been talking but you had to admit you were surprised when Ellie showed up at your door a few mornings after your fight with Joel, backpack on and demanding you walk her to school. You weren’t complaining of course and you didn’t complain when you walk past the school a few hours later and Ellie attached herself to your side, it was the closest she would come to giving either of you comfort but you took it silently and didn’t push her away when she walked into your house and made herself comfortable.

You were glad he hadn’t cut Ellie off from you, not that you ever thought he would and even if he did you knew Ellie would never allow it. Ellie was unlike anyone you’d ever met, so much of Joel in here and yet she was entirely her own person, so quick on her feet, always ready for a fight whilst silently always wanting some assurance that things were good and safe.

You didn’t even care how much time passed honestly, if Joel were to knock at your door now and apologise you’d have him back a second later. All you wanted was an apology, you might have been kind but it didn’t mean you would let people treat you wrong, you hadn’t survived twenty odd years in this new world by letting people walk all over you.

Most nights you lay in bed, the sound of people moving around outside could be heard but you blocked it out as your mind wandered. You always wished Joel would come to you, you dreamed about seeing him and watching as he stammered out an apology that he wasn’t used to giving before you would finally feel his arms around you again. You just wished he would show up and everything could go back to normal.

At the same time you were laying awake night after night missing the feeling of Joel’s arms around you, Joel was tossing and turning in his own bed that felt too empty without you in it with him. He ended up kicking the blankets off him more nights than not and forcing his feet into his boots, checking on Ellie to make sure she was safe and sleeping before quietly making his way out of the house.

Walking the lengths of the community didn’t really make it easier to dull the ache but he is able to sort through his thoughts easier than when he’s laying in bed staring up at the ceiling. The cold autumn air made him tug his coat tighter around himself as his thoughts went back to you.

God, you were the first person he had ever pictured something with, the first person he had wanted a relationship, a future, with. He had never seen himself as the type of person that would fall in love with somebody, for so much of his life he hadn’t had anyone and he had been fine with that but now he had had you and he wanted you back more than anything.

Night after night he found his feet walking unconsciously to your house. Each night he would stand at the closed door, pacing the length of the porch before turning back to the door and raising his fist. Whilst you were inside wishing he would knock he was sighing to himself as he lowered his hand and turned away, heading back to his cold bed for another night without you.

“You can’t keep doing this, Joel.” Ellie sighed a few weeks later, her voice uncharacteristically soft for this topic of conversation. “You’re miserable and not sleeping, I hear you sneaking out at night. She’s just as miserable, all she wants is for you to say sorry and then you’ll never have to talk about it again.”

“You don’t get it, Ellie. I messed up and now I’ve left it too damn late, she doesn’t deserve this.” Joel told her, keeping his voice steady even as his hands shook because the kid was right, he was so exhausted and he missed you.

“She loves you, Joel, she never stopped. She hates that house, just…just put everything aside, it doesn’t matter if you think she deserves better, she wants you.” Ellie told him as she stood up and grabbed her backpack. “She misses you and you miss her, you deserve something good, Joel.”

With that she turned to leave and Joel let his head fall into his hands. He knew she was right, he knew he was only making you both miserable and she had a point, no matter how many times he’d told you that you deserved better you always rolled your eyes and shut him up with a kiss, mumbling against his lips for him to stop being stupid.

He thought about that short conversation all day, it was nothing he hadn’t thought of himself but hearing Ellie say it made it sound more reasonable. You both loved each other and that was something rare, why was he so determined to mess it up?

That night he climbed out of bed again, stopping to check in with Ellie and rolling his eyes when he saw she was awake and grinning at him. He shook his head and told her to go to sleep before making his way out of this house. This time he forwent his usual walk of the community and instead made his way to your house hoping you would hear him out.

He didn’t have a speech ready, no grand words to win you back. He’d tried to pull something together but everything sounded forced and strained so he figured he’d see what he came up with when he saw you.

All he really knew was that he missed you and he loved you and even though that was scary, god was it terrifying, you were worth everything.

Now he suddenly understood all that romantic crap Frank prattled on about, about how there was somebody out there for everybody, somebody who would change the way he looked at things, changed the way he saw the world. He had always rolled his eyes when Frank started spouting poetry about love and finding your person even in this new cruel world but now he got it, he got what Bill had said when he read those words about finding the one person worth saving and protecting them because that’s what men like him were here to do and Bill was right, god help any motherfuckers who stood in their way.

Right now the motherfucker standing in the way was himself and he refused to drag this out any longer, if he knocked at your door now and you slammed it in his face then he’d accept it but if there was a chance you’d forgive him then he had to take it.

It wasn’t long before he was at your door and this time he didn’t give himself a chance to linger around, instead his fist knocked on the door and seemed to echo almost too loudly in the dead of the night.

Your heart sped up when you heard the knock on your door, there were only two people it could be and one of those was a young girl who wouldn’t bother with knocking, instead just letting herself in unannounced. The other was the man who had taken up permanent residence in your mind.

You threw a robe over your pyjamas to ward off the chill and slowly made your way down the stairs, trying to prepare yourself for coming face to face with Joel again for the first time in months.

Joel was a damn near nervous wreck as he waited for you to open the door, fists clenched at his sides as he cursed himself for listening to Ellie. You were probably asleep, it was probably for the best you didn’t answer anyway.

Just as he was about to turn and run the door opened and stopped him dead in his tracks. He could only stare at you, frozen in place like a deer in headlights. Ellie had been right, you clearly weren’t sleeping if the dark circles under your eyes were anything to go on, you had clearly been in bed though, hair slightly messy from where you had been tossing and turning and he could see you were wearing his shirt under your robe.

“God, I missed you.” He breathed out and then nearly slapped himself because that wasn’t what he had meant to say at all but the small smile that tugged at your lips was worth the slip up.

“What’re doing here, Joel?” You asked softly, leaning against the door frame and wrapping the robe even tighter around yourself as the air from outside hit you.

“Doing somethin’ I should’ve done a long time ago.” Joel sighed as he straightened up, it was easier now that you were in front of him, easier to breathe, easier to think, easier to speak. “You got every right to hate me, I should never have spoke to you like that and I sure as hell shouldn’t have waited all these months to come apologise. I ain’t gonna stand here and make excuses, I did what I did and I am so sorry, Y/N, I always told you you deserved someone better and I hate that I messed up so bad. I ain’t here asking you to take me back, I miss you like crazy but I get that I waited too long but you need to know I truly am sorry, baby.”

You were silent for about the longest minute of Joel’s life before your smile widened some more and you stepped forward, wrapping your arms around his waist and resting your head against his chest.

Joel froze for a moment, stiff in your hold before you felt him practically melt around you, arms wrapping around your shoulders, one hand coming up to rest against the back of your head as he held you close to him, savouring the way you felt against him after months of doubting if he’d ever feel you again.

“That’s all I was waiting for, I just wanted an apology.” You murmured into his chest and Joel took a shaky breathing. “I love you, Joel, that never changed.”

“I love you too, you know that don’t you, baby?” He asked and you looked up at him, smile still in place as you nodded and reached up to press your lips to his.

Joel let himself be pulled into the kiss, let it stay soft and slow as he cupped the back of your head to pull you closer. Eventually the two of you pulled away, unable to do more than just smile at each other.

“We’re good?” Joel whispered as he leaned his forehead against yours, feeling as you nodded again.

“Yeah, we’re good.” You said softly causing Joel to lean down for another kiss before he pulled away again.

“Go put your shoes on, it’s about time you came home.” He told you, keeping his voice soft and low.

You didn’t hesitate to turn around and slip your feet into the first pair of shoes you found by the door, just as desperate to go home as Joel seemed to be to have you there. The two of you didn’t speak as you walked the short distance back to the house, Joel tucking you under his arm with both of you thankful that you were coming back.

Both of you were exhausted, it had been months of sleepless nights without the other and it seemed to hit the pair of you the second you were wrapped up under the blanket, you curled into Joel’s chest as his arms rested around you. Immediately you felt your eyes close, too heavy to keep open and Joel struggled to pry his open.

“Glad you’re back home, Y/N/N.” Joel murmured into your hair and you could only hum and nod tiredly against his chest. “Gonna spend the rest of my life treatin’ you right.”

“Love you, Joel.” You whispered into his chest and Joel smiled tiredly as he pressed a kiss against your hair.

“I love you too, baby.” Joel whispered back and forced himself to stay awake until he heard you breathing even out and he was sure you were asleep.

The next morning Ellie couldn’t contain her smug grin as she came downstairs to the sound of laughter and music from the record player. Joel was the first one to see her and he couldn’t even pretend to glare at her, he owed that kid more than she knew and this was just another thing to add to the list, without her he sure as hell wouldn’t have pulled his head out of his ass and fixed things between you and him before they became too broken.

You were more than happy to have your routine back, cooking and laughing with Joel, sitting at the table making easy conversation with the two people you loved most in the world, glad that your wish was answered and Joel had finally knocked at your door to bring you home.

Joel Miller Taglist (Click the link in my bio to add yourself!) -

@avengersfan25, @happycupcakeenthusiast, @cilliansangel, @sleepylunarwolf, @spideysimpossiblegirl, @definitelykyles, @top1bbgloak, @handsupforamiracle,  @irishavengersassemble, @nao1800,  @hysteriaabsd, @imposter-27, @hoplessromantic17, @kitten-xoxxo , @mirasantidotes, @audrie-bryant, @pank0w, @lillianacristina​, @soldierheart

Thank you so much for reading!💙

Cold Feet - sickfic w joel miller

@chaithetics this is for you! xox feel better

cw: general injury/sickness recovery fic, nothing graphic but mentions of nausea, pain, dizziness, fainting, cute stuff idk, not really established relationship but joel be crushin fr fr

The dingy wallpaper swam in lazy eddies. You'd been laying on the couch, curled in the fetal position for hours, staring listlessly at the badly stained floral walls. The faded roses and lilies were swaying in an imaginary wind, fluttering in the woozy aftereffects of the pain meds.

It had only been an hour since your last dose, but you still felt like a rusted knife had ripped through your abdomen. A combination of a bad knife wound and the subsequent infection had incapacitated you for all of yesterday and today. If you had any rational thought, you'd be bored stupid. Instead, you were just drugged stupid.

Honestly, not much of a difference.

After staggering home from the med tent, you laid your meds, water, and two tureens of watery broth. That way, you didn't have to stumble to the kitchen every time you got hungry. Though even turning over to fumble with the pill bottle set fire to your belly.

The darkness of sleep sucked your mind into nothing as you blissfully lost consciousness.

Shhp. Shhhhp. Shhhh-

the sliding of something across your floor stirred your syrupy mind. Wincing as bright sunlight stabbed your aching head, you tried to focus blearily on the figure in front of you.

He - you assumed - was dressed in heavy clothes and grunting like a wounded bear.

"Joel?" Your voice sounded hideous, creaking like the wind in the trees. His familiar mop of curls startled, and he turned to look at you. He looked mildly ashamed, you thought, like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Hey, sugar," he rasped, pausing what he was doing to limp over. "Didn't mean to wake ya."

You tried to raise your head but another sludgy wave of pain forced you to mash your face in the cushions. A pathetic whimper was muffled by the corduroy.

"You look a little rough, honey," he said, stooping to brush the hair from your face. You flinched a little at the sudden contact, sparks lighting at the point of contact.

Joel soothed an apology and went to close the blinds. "Tommy said you were down for the count, so I thought I'd stop by," he said hoarsely, blessedly dimming the light to darkness. You sagged with relief. Joel's soothing drawl rambled about his day while he sick-proofed your little room; placing a metal bowl for easy reach, grabbing a blanket from the adjacent bedroom, and replacing your water with fresh, cool water.

"Let me," he whispered, carefully maneuvering you into the sitting position so you could have some slow sips of broth. The movement made your chest throb, and you huffed in pain. A soothing hand stroked your hair. You could smell him, woodsy and warm on his flannel. Trembling from the roiling pain of your wound, you tucked yourself against his broad chest. Joel took the hint, and gently placed a pill in your open mouth.

You felt a little embarrassed, being this dependent on him to do something as simple as drink soup. You tried to voice your apology, but your weak state jumbled the sentence into slurred mumbles. Joel shushed you, rubbing your shoulder.

"'S alright," he murmured, "happy to help." Easing a drink of blissfully cool water down your throat, he gently lifted you and headed towards your bedroom. The light bouncing made you wince, but the soft brushed of his lips on your hair eased any discomfort.

"You'll feel better on a real bed."

You groaned weakly when your head hit the pillow. Joel tucked the sheets and blankets all the way to your chin, eyes soft and worried. "You been out a while, huh, baby?"

At your weak agreement he nodded and continued to smooth his hand over your sweaty brow.

"We'll fix ya up, don' worry about it," he assured, kissing the tears from your cheeks.

Lighting a sweet-smelling candle, he murmured a goodnight and left for evening patrol.

Hours later, he came trudging back. The gentle creak of the wardrobe as he hung up his jacket and rifle roused you, but only slightly. His warm touch and the feeling of his chest against your back rolled you right back under.

JOEL & ELLIE TEXT POSTS

bc I love them that’s all :(

That fucking hospital scene…that is a sequence that I’m glad it didn’t feel like playing the game. Instead, I felt like I wasn’t breathing the entire time. That was one of the most effective sequences of television I’ve ever seen, from the acting to the emphasis on the brutality.

The way Joel seemed to be walking through a dream…that’s the part that hit the hardest. We as the audience were hyperaware of his actions, while he was barely there at all—Sarah and his grief and Ellie were the only things on his mind.

Neil Druckmann really wrote a story that turned a mirror on humanity, and my god am I thankful for both the game and this adaptation.

I love that tear because you’re right. Is he mourning his own impending death? Is he mourning the fact that she has to leave him, or that she is? Is he mourning the fact that the only way he could get her to go, to save her, was to push her away, and the last memory she’ll have of him is something rejecting? - Craig Mazin

PEDRO PASCAL as JOEL MILLER THE LAST OF US | 1.07 LEFT BEHIND

🤣😂🤣😂

Joel + Text Posts

Ellie + Text Posts

Blood Runs Red

a tommy miller fic where he's the more broken miller brother

Tomás Alejandro Casillas Miller had grown up well acquainted with blood: his own, Joel's, his mother's. The apocalypse hadn't changed much in that regard.

***********************************************

Rating: T

Warnings: references to Joel's suicide attempt and child loss

Relationships: Tommy / Maria, Tommy & Joel, Tommy & Sarah, Tommy & Ellie

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51550372

**********************************************

Full fic under the cut if you'd rather read things here

Tomás Alejandro Casillas Miller had grown up well acquainted with blood.

His grandfather's blood soaking the living room floor, making his parents flee their home to the USA when he was a toddler, moving to a different continent, to a country where they didn't speak the language, all to try and protect him and Joel. Tommy had never told his mother the way the blood seeping into their couch back in Chile had haunted his dreams for as long as he could remember, that it was his only memory of the home they'd left behind.

His mother's blood, loosened from her body by his father's fist when he'd had too much to drink, which had turned into his and Joel's blood by the time he was eight. He still had the scar on his arm from when the bone had gone clear through his skin when he was ten. He'd told Maria he'd been skateboarding when she'd first run her fingers over the raised mark, reminding her that 'scars are sexy, darlin',' not wanting to think too hard about how it had actually come about.

And then his father's blood, ripped from his body by a car a few short months after the broken arm (he'd often thought of the irony of his father killed by a drunk driver whilst almost definitely drink driving at the same time in a particularly nihilistic period he'd had as a teenager).

All of Joel's blood spilt trying to protect Tommy from bullies who made fun of his accent, his hair, the way he dressed. He'd switched to using Tommy then, deciding it wasn't worth Joel's blood to continue insisting that others called him Tomás. Deciding it wasn't worth more blood, even if it made him feel like a part of him was quietly dying, shedding the skin he'd grown up in.

Julia's blood, dripping down her face when she'd shown up at the Miller house when Tommy was 13, barely able to mutter the words 'I'm pregnant' to Joel before collapsing in a heap on their porch. It'd be another week until his mother had asked when Julia was going home before Julia managed to explain that she wasn't welcome at her parents' house anymore, to which his mother had pulled her into a tight hug and said she'd always wanted a daughter anyway. He'd thought it was odd then, seeing the tears drip down Joel's face as he realised he'd be a father before his nineteenth birthday, that his girlfriend (and that was a generous description of their relationship) would be living with them for the foreseeable future, that the liquid dripping down Joel's cheeks was clear and not the scarlet he had come to know so well.

The blood in the hospital room the first time he met his niece, fourteen and awkward with too long limbs, suddenly realising just how different it was going to be going forward. He'd cried then, too, realising his whole world had just realigned itself to orbit this little girl's life, and swore into her hair (already darker than his and Joel's, the curl pattern tighter) that the colour she would grow most used to wouldn't be the red he saw whenever he shut his eyes. It was a surprise to Tommy when Julia left without blood two years later, leaving behind only already signed divorce papers, an orange post note with the words 'I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry' scribbled in purple pen. It had been easier to help Joel with his bloodied knuckles than it had been to hold Sarah, sobbing her eyes out because her mother hadn't come to tuck her in at bedtime.

His own blood, then, was all he saw for the next three and a half years, getting into dumb fights at school, Joel's sighs ringing loud in his ears as he sat in the Principal's office and assured him that yes, he was Tommy's guardian (despite not being old enough to buy a beer, but it was better Joel went in to school to get him than their mother, who'd never quite managed to wrap her tongue around English), and yes, he would make sure that it didn't happen again. (It happened again). (And again). (And again).

And then the desert, the yellow sand turning a dirty rust colour from all the blood soaking into it. Tommy Miller was well accustomed to blood, yes, but he was used to it belonging to those he knew. Now everyone's blood mixed together, impossible to tell who it came from. Not that it mattered, he came to realise. The other American soldiers, those they were fighting, they all bled the same. And bleed they did. By the time Tommy came back to the US, nineteen, a veteran of Desert Storm and having seen the world in a way he had begun to think may have not been the best manner in which to do so, his hands were stained blood red whenever he looked at them. It took Sarah (four, almost almost five, so tiny and perfect and sweet, nothing like him or her grandfather or Julia, all Joel) twenty minutes to talk him down from scrubbing his hands raw when he babysat her while Joel was working late one evening, before he admitted to himself that he couldn't go on the way he was. He went back home to his tiny apartment, poured himself two fingers of the shitty whiskey he'd stolen from Joel's cupboard as payment for babysitting, and then called the therapist an army friend had given him.

The therapist never quite understood that the flashbacks and the nightmares and the dread sitting heavy in the pit of his stomach weren't from the blood, but from the fact he couldn't tell who's blood it was.

And then, again, his mother's blood. Cancer was never pretty, but Dios, was it awful. Isabella Casillas (she'd never taken her husband's name, her one act of rebellion against a husband who'd taken everything else from her) got the news from the doctor on a Tuesday, two weeks after Tommy had seen the blood she coughed into a handkerchief and she had told him it'd been happening for a while already. 'No quieres que os preocupéis' and 'necesitáis enfocar en mi nieta, estoy bien' were her repeated refrains as he and Joel hovered around the hospital bed, a six year old Sarah not fully understanding why all her free time was suddenly being spent in the hospital, but understanding the look on her father and uncle's faces. She didn't go quietly in the end, choking on the red until she slipped away. The red roses a neighbour brought over for him and Joel with a quiet 'I'm sorry for your loss' only reminded him of everything he'd lost, the colour matching the blood seeping from his palm after he'd dropped a glass and cut himself trying to pick up the pieces.

Tommy's next few years were spent working too long hours and helping Joel raise his daughter, and god, it terrified him, realising how much he could fuck her up. For all Joel's panic about not knowing what he was doing, Tommy knew he'd be fine. Joel had practically raised him, after all. He knew how to look after a child. Tommy, on the other hand, had no idea what he was doing. So he settled down (mostly), spending his free time with his niece, cleaning grazed knees from astroburn, a cut on her hand from when she tried to cook and the knife slipped. He always handled Sarah getting hurt better than Joel, too used to the way blood stained carpet and clung on under fingernails. Joel just panicked whenever his daughter was in a less than perfect state.

By the time Sarah was fourteen, Tommy had got his life mostly sorted. He still drank slightly too much, still had a tendency to go for women who he shouldn't (in his defence, she'd taken the wedding ring off before going to the bar), still tended to solve problems with his fists rather than his words. But he also had a stable job, the contracting firm he and Joel ran finally up and running mostly functionally, his own flat (not that he spent much time there), friends, and his niece. He and Sarah had always blurred the lines between being uncle and niece and siblings, Joel having raised them both in all the ways that mattered.

And then, the end of the world.

The blood flooding the jail cell as one of the other people in lockup suddenly went crazy, snarling and biting, before one of the cops finally stepped in with a bullet to the head.

The blood painting the road red as he and Joel tried desperately to get back home to Sarah, to make sure she wasn't the next person to spill their blood that night.

Sarah's blood, gushing over Joel, who was still clutching his daughter to his chest, as Tommy lifted the rifle a fraction of a second too slow to save his niece.

And Tommy saw, then, the moment Joel shattered, holding his daughter, suddenly unable to do anything. Tommy realised, in that moment, that while he'd always known the sight and smell of blood, Joel hadn't. Joel had somehow not become used to it, and had avoided the subtle comfort it gave Tommy. So Tommy watched his brother shatter in pieces, and could only stand there and think how he was a moment too slow in getting the soldiers blood to spill. A moment too slow to save his niece, the girl he'd helped Joel raise since he was still a kid himself. A moment too slow in stopping his brother becoming like him.

And then, two days later, after he'd finally persuaded Joel to bury Sarah under an old oak tree, Joel's blood, leaking from the head wound as Tommy found his brother, pistol still clutched in his hand, begging Joel to stay with him. Tommy realised, looking at Joel in that moment, that Joel had got used to blood, and decided to add his own to the river. And god, if that didn't hurt Tommy, who had watched blood spilt and never wanted more, but who had never purposely added his own to any serious degree.

In the years that followed, Tommy watched his brother become well acquainted with blood. Watched as his brother went from being kind, being patient to someone else, to someone who lived for the violence that the end of the world had brought. Tommy watched as he failed to stop Joel from turning into what he'd been since a child, since the first time he watched someone's life fade from their eyes as their life seeped out with their blood.

Soon, though, the blood stopped coming from Joel, from Tommy, became everyone else's. The Miller brothers gained a reputation as people who would do what was necessary to survive, to spill blood even when there was probably another way. It wasn't until later, much later, that Tommy looked back and realised Joel had done what he did to try and protect Tommy as best he could, to stop Tommy shattering the way he had the night he lost Sarah. What he'd missed was that Tommy had broken a long time before the end of the world.

It wasn't a surprise, really, that Tess entered their life in a flurry of red. Tommy and Joel had joined up with a larger group a year into the end of the world. They'd been heading vaguely north, following rumours that the infected were less active where it was colder, that the slowly appearing QZs were easier to slip in and out of then the QZs further south. Tommy and Joel had discovered that smuggling was an easy way to make ends meet, enough things still in houses that they didn't need to use threats of or actual violence too often. They met Tess by selling to her group - mainly ammo, some spices, some medication. She was the one to suggest they join up with their group, make use of the strength that came in numbers. Tommy had tripped over himself saying yes, dragging Joel along with him, seeing in Tess' eyes the same look that his won often had: not the haunted, emptiness of Joel's, but the resignation of someone who knew the world may have ended, but it wasn't that much worse than the world before. It was a disappointment but not a surprise to him when Tess called things off a few weeks into whatever was blossoming between them, the mirror they held up to each other showing something that neither of them wanted to look too close at. He knew he'd have called it off soon enough if she hadn't. It was even less of a surprise when he saw her slipping out of Joel's bed a few weeks later, because while Joel might make her his new purpose, his new reason for living (and Tommy tried not to be hurt by that, that he wasn't reason enough), at least Joel was the kind of broken that would hold Tess up rather than pulling her down to the ground with him as Tommy knew he would've done. And if Tommy had to clean blood off his knuckles several times over the next few weeks, if he was a little more willing to take the jobs that would inevitably end up in a hand to hand fight, well that wasn't anybody's business but his own.

By the time they got to Boston, four years later, the plans for Tess to get a flat and Tommy and Joel to share a second had morphed, quietly, into a 1 bed for Joel and Tess and a room in a shared flat for Tommy with a few of the other people they'd arrived with. They'd offered for him to share a flat with them, but he'd turned down the offer claiming he wanted independence (well, Joel had asked him to share, to which Tess had rolled her eyes and told him that if he wanted his brother involved in their sex life, then Joel should just invite Tommy into the bedroom and get on with it. Joel had frozen, not knowing how to respond, Tommy had mimed throwing up, and Tess had rolled her eyes as though her and Joel hadn't been fucking where Tommy could hear, and sometimes see, them for the last four years).

It became clear to Tommy in Boston that he and Joel had dealt with shattering very differently. Tommy was used to blood, it had always taken up a large portion of his life, but he had learnt to survive and to live despite it. He might be broken into a million shards of himself, each reflecting back a different facet of his life, but he could still function. He could pick up enough shards at once to deal with life in the apocalypse. He could smuggle with Joel and Tess and deal with the blood and also try to help people. He smuggled a lot of medicine at low prices to those who needed it in Boston, and made sure information got to the right people. He roughed up or quietly took care of FEDRA soldiers who'd gotten a little too fond of power. If there was going to be blood, he'd at least make sure it belonged to people who deserved it.

Joel however, had no idea how to handle all his shattered parts, had no idea how to function. Since losing Sarah he'd been completely adrift, smuggling only because it was a significantly easier (for some sense of the word) existence than staying in a QZ, or at least an existence with easy access to the drugs and alcohol Joel seemingly needed to function. He worked with Tess and Tommy by being the muscle, by letting Tess direct him with what to do, who's blood to spill, when and where. Joel had long since given up on the world, on trying to hold it together. It had taken his daughter from him, and for Joel, Sarah had always been his entire world. Tommy wandered sometimes if Joel even noticed the end of the world, so caught up with his grief.

Six months into Boston, Tommy met Marlene when she hired the Miller brothers and Tess to smuggle in ammunition for her fireflies. Marlene, with her whip smart mouth and her plans to try to make something good out of the end of the world. Marlene who'd definitely known Tess before (in the biblical sense of known), though neither of them had ever said anything aloud. Tommy knew what looking at an ex looked like though, he could read between the lines. Marlene with her belief that they could start fixing what FEDRA had ruined. Boston was a relatively good QZ, as they went, but FEDRA had started public executions shortly after Tommy had arrived in Boston, and it was always going to be downhill from there. Marlene had looked in Tommy's eyes, seen something just as broken as the world, and offered him a way to try and make it better. And sure, maybe Tommy didn't agree with all her methods, but when had anything ever been achieved without the loss of blood.

Six months after that, two days after a screaming match with Joel that still left him reeling, Tommy left Boston for the final time. He made sure to leave a note for Tess with details of how to get a message to him, hoping he hadn't wrecked whatever was between her and his brother by bringing up Sarah in front of Tess for the first time. Joel may have lost a daughter, but Tommy had lost the centre of his world too, and then had to watch as his brother slipped away too. Joel had never been the same after Tommy found him with blood running down his temple, had stopped being the brother Tommy had grown up with, who'd take hits so Tommy didn't. Stopped being the brother Tommy had watched pull double shifts to make sure he could cover the rent who'd go home to Sarah and help with homework even when what Joel really wanted was a whiskey and to fall straight into bed.

And so, six years after the world ended, Tommy left his brother, the only reminder of Joel the blood drying on his knuckles.

The next five years were a blur for Tommy when he looked back, a string of memories of camping in shitty, burnt out buildings, skirmishes with FEDRA, getting back into being a sniper. He'd always been good with a rifle, had some experience before Desert Storm and had come back even more comfortable with one, but over his years with the fireflies he became one of their best snipers, and saw a lot of the US he hadn't managed before. By the end of it, however, he was actively seeking a way out, somewhere to go that wasn't another QZ. Somewhere that he could do something other than cause more blood to be spilled, whether it was infected or FEDRAs or civilians who got caught in the way.

Tommy wandered, and in time, he wandered back to Austin. Back to the grave he'd somehow managed to find again, where he'd buried his niece and his brother. Back to Joel's house, mostly picked through by raiders, but who'd left the photo albums mostly intact. He took his favourites, and a leather jacket he'd spent too much money on in his twenties, and he kept wandering, heading vaguely north.

And then, Maria.

Maria, with her bright eyes and wary smile, cautious as to what he wanted (peace, to be able to sit down at a table to eat, to be able to breathe), but nevertheless willing to let him enter Jackson on probation.

Maria, with her hair piled atop her head as she laughed in the Tipsy Bison, hand curled loosely around a beer, who Tommy knew had lost a child of her own, but who still knelt down to talk to the children of Jackson when they wanted to ask questions about chickens and school lunches and what it was like before the world ended, while he flinched when one of the children walked too close to him on their way to school.

Maria, with her gentle questions as they sat on her porch swing in the evenings throughout the year, even when it was definitely too cold to be doing so, who never looked at him differently even when he confessed to everything he'd done, who simply asked him if he wanted to be taken off the patrol rota so he could focus on building things, who understood his choked ‘no’, who accepted that he needed to fight to feel like he was still breathing, still alive.

Maria, radiant in a pale yellow dress borrowed from one of the other women in Jackson, a bouquet of wildflowers in her hands, wearing a gold ring on her left hand that he'd placed there with shaking hands. Maria, his wife, who he couldn't imagine life without, who he'd never thought would consider him anything more than someone to warm her bed. Maria, laughing and smiling as he taught her to line dance how he used to do in Texas, shuddering as he whispered what he wanted to do to her in her ear in quiet, whispered Spanish until she dragged him out of their own wedding party and back to their house.

Maria, lying languid and naked in their bed, running her fingers over each and every one of his scars, kissing them each in turn as Tommy explained where he'd gotten them, before turning paler than he'd ever seen her and running into their bathroom to throw up her dinner, Tommy following close behind to pull her hair out of her face and rub her back. By three weeks later of her throwing up without anyone else getting sick, and her period not making its regularly scheduled appearance, she quietly whispered ‘I'm pregnant’ into his neck one night, and Tommy just held her tightly as she sobbed herself to sleep, tears dripping down his face as thought of the little girl he'd help raise when he was just a kid himself. It's not that they'd been trying to avoid this outcome, they just also weren't trying specifically for it, not sure how feasible it was given Maria was already in her late forties. It just turned out there was a huge difference between ‘I like the idea of having a child with you’ and ‘I’m having another child and that feels like a betrayal to their older siblings they'd never know’.

The following day, he found a large piece of slate and carefully wrote out Sarah and Kevin's names, the day they had entered their families’ lives, and the day they left them. When Maria saw it on the mantelpiece, arriving home from a council meeting, exhausted and dizzy from a complete inability to hold any food down, she had let one lone tear track down her cheek before looking her husband in the eye, stepping into his waiting arms, and saying, quiet and hesitant, less confident than Tommy had ever seen her, ‘I can't wait to be a mother again with you’.

Tommy kissed her forehead, and then her lips, and then down her neck, before scooping her up in his arms and carrying her through to the bedroom. When they were done, panting and sated, he'd kissed her stomach, traced each stretch mark with his fingers, and confessed he couldn't wait to be a parent either. Thankfully the nausea passed soon enough (long enough to freak Tommy out, Julia having only thrown up a few times in her whole pregnancy, but not long enough to slow Maria down, having spent her first pregnancy throwing up at all hours of the day and night until she was seven months pregnant), and she could go back to work, back to what made her happy.

Four months later, Joel and Ellie arrived in Jackson.

Maria had always known that Tommy was contacting Joel, and had actively found ways for him to get messages back to Boston. Had handled the situation with more delicacy and diplomacy than Tommy thought he ever could have, torn as he was between desperately missing his brother, and not thinking he could handle one more minute in this new Joel's presence. She'd encouraged Tommy to keep in contact, quietly changing his patrol shifts to go past the radio tower if he hadn't managed to get there recently enough. Since the wedding though, she'd stopped checking that Tommy was still talking to Joel. And Tommy had used that to leave longer and longer periods between his messages, terrified that one day their would be a response, a message saying ‘I need you here. Come back to Boston’, that he might have to leave the sanctuary he'd found. He'd never revealed anything about Jackson, had followed the town’s rules carefully (if you want family or friends to join you here, they agree to leave where they are before they get told anything at all, and even then, riders from Jackson would meet them at the Colorado border before they got full details of Jackson's existence), but he'd also never told Joel he was somewhere good, somewhere safe, somewhere that the broken prices of him seemed to fit back together in a way they never had before.

As it turned out, however, Maria was under the impression that Joel wasn't already with them in Jackson because he or Tess didn't want to leave Boston, not because he didn't know about Jackson. Not because Joel didn't know about her, his sister in law, the family they could've had. Tommy watched Maria as she and Tommy walked to the dining hall to get some food for Joel and Ellie, confused at her coldness when Ellie revealed herself as a QZ kid through and through, so different from the children that had grown up in the safety of Jackson. It wasn't until Tommy got back from the bar with Joel and saw Maria standing on the porch waiting for him that he understood the gravity of what was happening: he had accidentally made his wife and brother hate each other.

Tommy hadn't understood Maria's distrust of Joel, not until she explained that she had trusted his decision on Joel, and while she was irritated he hadn't told her he was barely calling back to Boston, she could handle that. What she couldn't handle, though, was that Tommy brought someone dangerous into their home. If Tommy had cut his own brother off, when family was all Tommy lived and breathed for, then she had assumed there was a good reason. A reason that it wasn't safe for her, for Jackson, to meet Joel; that Tommy had made a call based on what was best for everyone. Tommy had frozen, a lump thick in his throat, before he pulled his wife into his arms and explained that Joel wasn’t a threat any more than he was. Capable of violence, yes, but not without reason.

It wasn't until he spoke to Joel later, in the cobblers, that he realised why Joel thought Maria hated him, why he disliked the woman who made Tommy feel closer to a whole person than he ever remembered being before. Namely, Joel thought that Maria hated him for what he made Tommy do all those years, as though violence hadn't been a language Tommy had known for far longer than Joel had. Tommy’s problem with Joel had never been his methods, or the ease with which he used his body to hurt others, or the unflinching loyalty to him and Tess that had made Joel put them above everyone else left in the world. Tommy had done all the same things, made the decision to keep on like that even when they could've avoided it. Hell, Tommy had joined the fireflies, and they weren't exactly bastions of peace and limiting civilian casualties. Tommy had left Joel because he couldn't watch it all be for nothing, couldn't watch his brother die a little more each day, only Tess propping him up.

It was watching Joel have a panic attack over not being able to protect Ellie that made Tommy realise his brother was back again, the brother he'd buried with Sarah. The brother who'd cleaned his knuckles with a wet rag, called him Tomás, helped him sneak back into their home drunk and high so their mother didn't panic, waiting until she was out to yell at him. The brother he thought he'd lost, back thanks to Ellie.

Ellie, who swore and palmed her switchblade in her pocket and demanded her gun back, who was all broken pieces too, desperate to make something of her life, desperate for all the death and pain and loss not to be for nothing.

Ellie, who might be the cure to everything.

Ellie, who, if Tommy knew one thing about the Fireflies, would be dead within a month at best if they got hold of her.

Ellie, who was well on her way to becoming his niece.

Ellie, who Joel wanted him to take to the base in Colorado (not that they were still there, a small voice in the back of his head said, reminding him the scientists were moving out to Salt Lake City).

Ellie, who he was absolutely not taking to Colorado, or Salt Lake, or anywhere other than to the house across the road from his and to a warm bed and clothes that fit properly and the best damn childhood anyone could have given they were living through the end of the world.

Ellie, who had helped Joel pick up his broken pieces, and maybe, finally learn to live with them, to hold enough at once to live life despite them.

The reality was, Tommy thought, that blood was full of everyone's lives now. He'd just had a head start on seeing the crimson every time he shut his eyes, a preview of what the world would be. What that meant, though, was that he'd also had a head start on learning how to pick himself up again, to learn to live again.

And in Jackson, with his wife, and child, and brother, and niece, maybe everyone else could try catching up to him for once. Maybe he could teach them. Maybe, he could make it all worth it. (Maybe, one day, he could make Ellie see it could be worth living for too).

***********************************************

End author notes!

and now Tommy gets to be an uncle again and make Joel go insane about the shit he and Ellie pull. Also Ellie definitely doesn't end up with the fireflies because genuinely why the fuck would you take the one immune person in the world and immediately try and kill them I may not be a biologist but that I am a scientist and that feels like bad practice to me. Fuck Jerry Anderson. In this universe he magically gets shot by someone and the firefly hospital mysteriously gets burnt to the ground (miller family road trip to Utah for some light recon (stealing everything the fireflies know about immunity) and a little bit of arson for a treat (burning the hospital to the ground)).

Other random things that didn't make it into the fic:

- Tommy and Marlene definitely fucked like twice and then mutually agreed to just never mention it again

- Tess did propose a threesome at one point to Tommy who laughed and told her he was down if Joel was, knowing full well that Joel was completely gone on Tess and wouldn't share her for the world

- bi Tess because I say so and I'm bi so I sensed the vibe (Anna torvs is hot)

- they tell Ellie about what they did to the fireflies, and then tell her that if they find anyone who actually has a hope in hell of making a vaccine they'll take her themselves

- Ellie still gives herself a chemical burn, but she goes to Tommy for help with the tattoo because Joel told her he had tattoos, failing to mention that Tommy's tattoo was a drink mistake that he never shows to anyone. He finds someone good who can tattoo safely and sterilely and helps pick the design and sits with Ellie the whole time

dude the art is gorgeous!!!!! congrats

also I feel we as a fandom do periodically need to remember that Gabriel is one of us in spirit (I was going to say even if he's not here but we have no proof of that).

Brb screaming

Omg them

I feel like HBO Ellie is a bit more deranged than game Ellie and I feel like if they met the world would burn.

Joel + Text Posts

I strongly dislike people taking actors traits from adaptations and deciding that they're canon facts about the character the actor plays.

For example, I read a fic where the author mentioned that Ellie from tlou was vegan because of Bella Ramsey being vegan.

This, this doesn't work.

For starters the actor and the character being portrayed by the actor are still separate people.

And, Ellie was born in a post apocalyptic setting. She was raised in fedra school, they wouldn't respect the dietary limits she put on herself by going vegan, from what we know of fedra they'd probably beat it out of her. Nobody can be that picky in the apocalypse anyway, food is scarce, unless you're allergic to something you eat whatever you can get your hands on.

And if Ellie was vegan she would have sooo many deficiencies, she wouldn't be as strong or smart or be able to outrun zombies as well. She would die.

And yes, I know she's immune, she can't get infected. but she'd die from starvation, or get torn apart by the infected because she couldn't get away or fight and she got overwhelmed.

Ellie being vegan just doesn't work out, it's not realistic in an apocalypse, it doesn't feel accurate to her character (she literally shot a rabbit and a deer in the first game, also a lot of people), Joel literally wouldn't be able to feed her with the lifestyle they had out on the road.