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@whackacole3

I think the main thing about a friendship-favorable aplatonic would be

a) thinking their friends are cool people

b) enjoying socializing with their friends/getting attention from them

c) perhaps establishing friendships for something they get out of it (validation, security etc)

d) something I'm not thinking of

e) all of the above

but not specifically loving their friends/struggling with the concept of platonic love.

I think I personally view friendships as some form of social contracts. I want attention, I want people to listen to me, I want to talk about my interests - therefore, I get into connections with people where we mutually do that. Imagine playing sims and having your character do certain actions to increase the friendship.

I can enjoy talking and spending time with people, but for my friends... the word love doesn't really fit. I feel like I just don't care enough about other people. I think I rarely engage, and sometimes I do that not because I really care, but because I'm afraid I'm failing this "contract" we have going on ("good friends reach out! if someone doesn't message you first they are a bad friend!" etc).

For example, I made a bunch of friends through streaming, but out of all the people there's ONE person who's streams I'd eagerly join, unless others stream a category I'm passionate about. For other friends, joining their streams/lurking feels like a chore I should do to support the relationship. And even for that one friend? We have a lot of things we could discuss, so I'm not even doing that out of love, but because I get to have an amazing conversation and get attention.

So really, at least for me, friends are a way to get you a safe socialization consistently, and also a nice way to have people that would help you in dire situations.

As an alloromantic allosexual, I know what romantic and sexual attractions feel like. I can imagine being romantically in love with someone to the point I would happily sacrifice something for them. But I wouldn't feel as self-sacrificial for a friend. I would do my best to help them in need, and I could sacrifice something - but perhaps not out of love, but out of obligation.

A lot of focus in arospec communities goes onto how friendships and platonic relationships are not lesser than romance, that they could reach the same intimacy level. And that is important and true! Idk how it is for the majority of people, but for me though... it is not like that :/

Moreover, idk if I'm just lonely and still hormonal, but if I even experience platonic love, it is tied to sexual/romantic one. If I get close enough with a friend, I will start having thoughts about us in a romantic/sexual relationship and might develop a light crush. It is often not serious and I don't pursue them, but I've had those kind of thoughts about a bunch of people. It's as if intimacy for me is tied with romance/sex.

I am just one person, and my experiences are not universal (and different from aro/ace/loveless/etc apls), but here are some points I think could help:

- what does your character get out of friendships? If you don't experience platonic love, then there must be something else tying you to your friends. Safety? Common interests you can freely talk about? Do they want to be around cool people? Something else?

- how do they sustain those friendships? Maybe they've absorbed the societal view of friendships and do a lot of things for their friends, because "that's what friendships are like" and "that's what being friends is". They may be more distant and reach out less. However, that doesn't mean they don't care! As per point one, they are in a friendship for something, so they do care about their friendships and friends. But maybe not really because of love, but because of mutual benefit or something else

- they may have grown distant with a lot of their past friends. I personally grew apart with many childhood friends because they lived far, but I'm not sure I really miss it. There's that girl I was kinda friends with last 4 years of school, but none of us ever went for a deeper bond, so after school ended we haven't even talked once. Maybe your character also falls out of the connections easily and doesn't miss them

- they may have lots of acquaintances at places like school/work, and enjoy spending time with them as a way to socialize, but would rarely if ever pursue a deeper bond with them

- how do they feel about their lack of care? Considering how friendships are normalized, they may feel guilty for not being good enough friends to other people and try to compensate out of that guilt. Or have they done some deep introspection and accepted it? Do they have some boundaries because of it?

- they may still tell their friends "I love you", even though it is empty. I have a friend we often exchange "love you"s with, and for me it is not really a way of expressing feelings, but a way to sustain a friendship (they throw a heart at me, I throw it back). I know I'm basically lying, but... I don't want to make things awkward or try and dismantle the friendship. Plus, even though I don't really love them, I may still act as if I do. Maybe your character prefers not to use any love-based words? Maybe they use something like "I care about you" instead?

- they may also use "love" words when discussing caring about friendships, just because that's a widespread language to talk about it. They may equate "loving" friends to "caring about friendships" in general, even if there isn't a feeling that "love" is a proper term for

- hugs may feel uncomfortable/empty too. So how does your character feel about that and other forms of friendly gestures? Do they like them, do they dislike them, do they feel empty?

- perhaps they can't imagine what platonic attraction is. If somebody asked me what platonic love feels like, I don't think I could answer, and for me, trying to imagine gets a muddy picture with romantic/sexual attraction involved. They may be surprised to learn about the concept of "platonic crushes"/"really wanting to be friends with someone" - "Is it like thinking someone is cool or being interested because they share your interests and you can talk about it?"

- do they experience other types of love or attraction? is intimacy tied to some, if yes? Idk if my mom just did something wrong, but even when I was a child I would only say I love her just because "You're supposed to love your mom" and it'd be awkward if I didn't. I don't think I love my sister either. That's more afamilial territory, but maybe the same things that lead to aplatonicism lead to not loving family too. Out of "non-partner-oriented" types of love I experience maybe sensual and aesthetic and I love my cats (that's kind of parental love? I want to care about them and protect them)

- they can probably have any number of friends (from a small circle of those they really click with or a lot of surface-level acquaintances to chat with, if they're an extrovert)

- when it comes to negative traits, maybe portraying the character as manipulative would not be the best. They may view friendships as contracts, but they may also care about those friendships and people in them. They may even act as if they love the people, just without feeling much about it and being more obligation/honor-driven

- also tying aplatonicism (and especially lovelessness) to being evil, incomplete or inhuman. Evil is obvious (people may have many reasons to not experience platonic attractions aside from being jerks, and jerks also often have their jerk friends). By "incomplete" I mean treating it as if something's missing or it's an inherent flaw to be fixed. If your character is unhappy about their lack of deep friend connections maybe trying to examine why that is and tackling it could work for a story, but I think the majority of people here would love to see an apl that's not there to be "fixed". People can be fine with it! And still happy about their life! If anything, a story of self acceptance would probably bring a lot of joy to apls, maybe with messages of how you can have personal connections with friendship and you don't have to do it like everyone else. Inhuman is also obvious - people don't have to experience love to be people

I'm sorry this is so long (I have a lot of thoughts, so I always write lengthy), but hopefully, this can be of help!

hey, hope this is okay to ask, but do you have any tips for writing a friendship-favorable aplatonic character? i don’t want to get into any stereotypes or negative things. feel free to ignore this ask if you want!

id say probably try to acknowledge the lack of bond with friends? like the character likes their friends, but lacks the bond kinda? sorry if this isn't a good explanation

This Thursday (Halloween! 🎃) is my birthday. I’m so excited because not only will my family and best friend be spending a majority of the day with me, but I took a little time off from one of my jobs. I noticed my mental health really dipping again, and was able to be convinced to take some time as a gift to myself.

I work 3 jobs (average 60 hours a week) and the little break of just one full day off has made a huge difference & is making me realize I can’t be putting my well being last. It’s easy to see all the posts reminding people to take care of themselves and not give it a second thought. But I saw one when I was on the fence on calling in and took it as a sign.

So hey- maybe if you’re struggling to take care of yourself, this will be the post that reminds you that you’re important. Love and take care of yourself, and if you know your beginning signs of mental health struggles- do something for YOU and don’t feel guilty!

And have a Happy Halloween while you’re at it. I know I will! 👻

sometimes we all just need a reminder that being strong isn't the same as being alone 🧡

*comes into ask how with a shaky smile*

Howdy there Hon. I hope the New Years been treating you alright so far, and I wish that it will continue to bless you with the goodness you deserve ✨🧡

Sorry to bother your inbox again, but this is “Independent Woman” from a request a couple weeks ago and I've had kind of a rough day, and your writing always makes me smile.

If it's not too much to ask, may I request a follow-up on that prompt please? How the Bayverse/Rise boys would react to their stubbornly independent SO having a rough day to the point that they cave and ask for cuddles?

No stress, no worries if you're not in the mood for it. I totally understand. Please take care of yourself first and foremost! Please drink water and know you are appropriated! 🧡✨

howdy anon-chan! 🧡

i'm so sorry that you've had a rough day. i hope at this point it's going a little better and that you're able to get the rest you need. there's a quote that i like to think about when i'm having a rough time: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Radmacher

anyway, i hope this helps you smile!

(here's the other post)

Leonardo

Leo has been waiting for (hoping for, praying for) this, for you to come to him in your time of need. He feels bad, he doesn't actually want you to have a bad time or a rough day, but at the same time he loves to be needed. He already has a plan in place.

Mikey scampers off at his signal, and Leo escorts you to his room. There he encourages you to get under the covers and mess up his bed however you need to in order to get comfy.

Then he climbs in with you and holds you. He doesn't ask about what's wrong, doesn't try to talk to you about anything. He can tell that isn't what you need right now.

Mikey comes in (quietly for once) with some tea. He sets the tray down on the bedside table and smiles at you before quickly leaving. Leo tells you that the tea is there if you want it, then goes back to quietly holding you.

You realize, after laying in his arms for a while, that he is meditating. You try to match your breathing to his, and you see a small smile steal across his face when he feels what you are doing. You fell right into his trap.

The two of you breathe in sync for a while, just soaking in each other's presence.

If you decide to talk about it, Leo listens very closely to you. He's not confident that it will happen, but he hopes that you'll tell him if it's something he can help with. No matter what though, if you just need to vent or need advice or need him to do something for you, he will respect your wishes.

Raphael

Raph's first instinct is to find out who hurt you so that he can go take care of them. Fortunately, he goes with his second instinct, which is to bundle you in his arms and carry you to his room.

Once there, he climbs into bed and rearranges the two of you until you are both comfortable. He makes sure you are completely covered with him, his strong hands rubbing your back. "I've got ya sweetheart. What do ya need?"

Raph isn't quite confident in his ability to comfort you, so he does need some guidance. But once you let him know what you need, he's on top of it.

If you just want to curl up on his plastron and be held, he will stay with you as long as you need. He will rub your back. He will be your own personal weighted blanket. Gentle touches or rough hugs, hell if you need him to distract you he will. Anything for you.

(Raph finds that he wants to give you the gentle touches. He wants to hold you gently, he wants to show you softness. But if that's not what you need, he'll just have to talk to you about it later. This ain't about him.)

If you want to talk about it, if you need to vent, Raph'll listen. He'll empathize. He might growl or mutter as you talk, but he won't interrupt. If you want advice, he'll do his best to give it to you.

Anything you need, he'll get it for you. Drink, food, more pillows? It's there almost before you ask for it. You won't have to lift a finger or do anything if you don't want to. "I'll take care of you princess."

Donatello

Donnie immediately has so many questions, but he sets them aside. You asked him to help you learn how to be cared for, so he's going to do just that.

He takes to the lab, because the bed there is comfier than the one in his room. He puts on some music you like and turns down the volume. He encourages you to climb in and climbs in behind you. He lays down and lets you climb on him however you want.

Once the two of you are comfortable, he asks if you want to talk about it. He realizes that you need to be guided into asking for what you want, and he's prepared to do that. Your answer is the beginning of the mental flow chart Donnie created specifically for caring for you.

If you do want to talk about it, Donnie first asks if you want advice or if you just want to vent. Once that's established, he is an active listener. He asks questions and gives you nudges if he thinks you need it. He'll make those snarky comments that make you laugh. He checks in periodically to make sure that you're still okay. Talking to Donnie will always make you feel better.

If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay too. He'll ask if there's anything you need, then send the drone to zap Raph into getting it for you. Once Raph is gone (rubbing his arm and muttering murderously), Donnie settles in for a nice long cuddle session with you.

If you're okay with it, he pulls up some work. He asks if you want a distraction, and if so he'll start telling you about what he's doing. Donnie works with one hand while the other absentmindedly rubs your arm. He still checks in every once in a while to make sure you're okay and ask if you need anything.

Michelangelo

Mikey, much like Leo, hates that you're upset but is so happy that you came to him so he could care for you. This is a huge step, you're making progress! Now it's his turn to make progress, to show you how he can care for you.

He asks if you need anything first, so he can grab it without interrupting the "epic cuddle session" you're about to have. (Later, when you ask him to get you something, he'll interrupt the cuddle session anyway with zero complaints. He just wants you to be happy.)

Once that's all taken care of, he hustles you off to his room, hand on your back. Thank the pizza gods that Leo had forced him at sword point to clean it the day before. You both get in bed and get comfy.

He holds you as if you are a treasure, a beloved teddy bear. It is hard to believe that Mikey can be this gentle. He wraps you in blankets and props you up with pillows until you are surrounded in softness and him.

Then he starts to talk. He chatters on about anything and everything, whatever comes to mind. His skateboard tricks, their latest encounter with the Foot, Raph breaking his most recent lifting record... you are caught up on ALL the turtle gossip.

Mikey doesn't stop until he gets a smile out of you. When he sees it, his answering smile lights up the room. He asks if you are feeling better. If you are, he starts being silly, kissing your face and tickling you until you are crying from laughter. If you aren't, he asks if you want to talk about it. He'll listen and commiserate with you, and support you no matter what.