How It Ends - Tumblr Posts - Page 3

Something was crawling through my window and when I woke up, there were muddy footprints by the window.

Tarot

I don't think I would have ever truly let you go. One reason after another, malingering like a cancer in my soul; I may have moved on but I hadn't moved far enough.

I'm not a fool. I know I'll still mourn you. I know I'll still grieve. We had something amazing and we fucked it up royal.

I love you still. I miss you every day. But it's not worth it anymore. It's not worth sacrificing the peace I have with him, for the distress I feel with you.

It will take time (the hanged man said so). But just as in the beginning, there is no turning back now. My future (our future) doesn't have room for you.

Apocalypse

I'm going to break up with him, tomorrow most likely. I'm sitting here on my bed, tears melting down my face, I know what I have to do.

He tells me he likes my crazy, but he doesn't understand, not really. He thinks that bipolar is all reckless adventure and insane sex drive, how do I explain to him the cuts all over my leg from smashing a picture frame in a moment of rage tonight, how do I explain to him the surrealism of knowing that I'm hypomanic yet being unable to STOP JUST PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP. He tells me he likes my crazy, but he has never seen me like this, and if I do the right thing he never will. I will never have to see him turn away in disgust at the reality of what I am.

I am going to break up with him tomorrow, and it hurts like hell.

Shattered

I dream of him every night, my stomach turned translucent, neoformed hands and face pressed against flesh made of latex

I change his diaper for the first time, an IV lodged in his scalp, the nurses have run out of veins

I stick my finger in his mouth and he bites showing me his first cut tooth

I cradle him in my arms, his breathing labored, matching him lungful for lungful, trying with all my heart to breath for him and

There are first words and first steps and first comprehensions and anger and pride and joy and fear and we are a team, a package deal, until we are not

And I give the ultimatum, and he takes it, ruthlessly, emotionlessly, because any outcome is better than living under my roof, where did I go so very wrong?

I drop him in front of the church. He does not look back as he walks away.

Funny, But Not Ha Ha...

Losing him doesn't hurt the same way losing you did; but it still feels like I've been gutted.

I guess that's the difference between losing an obsession, and losing the best thing to ever happen to me.

Hello

Funny how a single word can carve out your chest.

Rancid Heart

I've said "nights like this are hard" so many times that I've come to realize-

every night is hard.

The Little Things

You said:

Music isn't really a thing for me

And he sang songs in the car with me.

You said:

I don't like cats

And he asked daily how mine were doing.

He said:

I can handle it, until I can't

And you know all of my demons by name.

I tried so many times to explain this to him. He said so many times he understood.

It was never really real.

The Warning Signs

I've been down this road before-

and there is nothing waiting for me but heartache.

A Cautionary Tale

I keep every photo I ever took of him in an album titled "Lessons".

Because no one should ever be taken at face value.

Calling

Let me be your guardian tonight; I will watch over you in the dark, in that place where you and I meet.

Blindsided

The grey rises from the pit of my stomach and wraps itself around my chest, it breaths for me.

oh so this is where we are going to be tonight then?

Saturday 2315

Lost in the glowing screen, we've talked late into the night, and now you are sleeping. I lay here skimming my apps, the thought of trying to date again like an itch in the back of my skull. Here I am, wallowing in feelings that I would have chewed my own leg off to avoid six months ago, here I am right back where I started with you, in a go nowhere love-treading water and barely staying afloat. Maybe I should date again, you've told me time and again you would be happy for me. Maybe I should date again, find a thin bandaid to lay over the oozing wound of emotion in my chest.

And then I think of him; and think-

maybe not.

I CAN FEEL ME LOSING YOU

And you were the only one who could make it stop.

Sunday 0637

I went on a date Friday night, (let us call him "Norm", for normal).

Norm has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen on a man, and is intriguing, eccentric, and most assuredly not my type.

While I may have pondered for more than a minute what Norm's mouth tasted like, while I thought about the feeling of tipping my face up to a very tall man; there was no burning desire, no frenetic kinetic energy as there is with you.

You, in the most bizarre twist of events gave me pre-date advice; though you did not ask for details at all when I came home. I wish I could believe that for once you might be jealous.

Norm is also nothing like Him; like comparing a sculpture to a wolf, and oh God how that one stung, I guess I've not completely moved on there yet either.

Mayhap I carry pieces of every past lover within me, absorbing, assimilating, and never finding completion.

Maybe I don't deserve it.

Heartwrenched

I cannot tonight

I cannot face another dream of my dead mother

Or my prodigal son

Or my lover who is slipping like sand through my fingers

I cannot

So I pray my rosary with an additional bead; white and chalky, Morphius compressed circular with a singular line-

Tonight I chase sleep with no dreams.

Monday 1208

I never thought it would be so hard to have him look right through me.