Humans Are An Interesting Animal - Tumblr Posts

reblog if you would use any of the tags

Humans Are Crazy

Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.

Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?

Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.

Alien: What??

Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.

Alien: wHAT?!

Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.

Alien: WHaT ?!?!

Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.

Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.

Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.

EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…

Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*

Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf

I Am Menstruating, So Here's A Period Thought.

(Yes, it's about aliens again.)

We, as humans, eat a lot of food that other animals can't eat. Chocolate, grapes, avocados, broccoli, alcohol (although I did once have a cat who loved beer), caffeine, almonds, pistachios, macadamia nuts, any spicy food, tomatoes, the list goes on. Dairy products, everyone.

I am currently having period cravings. For hot cheetos, spicy ramen, raspberry-infused dark chocolate, and hot cocoa. Any and all of that would kill a dog.

But, would it kill an alien?

I once saw a thing that said that chocolate is a universally poisonous substance. And sure, I'll stand by that. If you give chocolate to any species except for humans, they will die. Miserably.

BUT! And this is a large but.

HUMANS ARE NOT ALL-POWERFUL, NOR ARE THEY ALL-IMMUNE!

Pokeweed (a little, deadly plant characterized by its red stem and purple berries) is absolutely lethal to us. One tiny berry will kill us. Oleander, a beautiful pink/red/white flower, can kill with any/all of its parts. Nightshade, recognized by its bright red berries, kills in less than 24 hours.

Aliens consider all of these plants to be delicacies.

Zygerin chefs whip up fabulously delicious hemlock soups for their patrons. Ytertjjijkis bakers utilize nightshade, pokeweed, and yew in all of their most famous pastries. Aàkî cooks use Oleander and destroying angel mushrooms in common garden salads.

But yes, chocolate is deadly to them. And the other 99.999% of the universe.

why are humans like this?

Zzgnaru and Karen are walking through the downtown area of Karen's home city. Zzgnaru notices a shop whose sign reads "Tattoo and Piercing." Xey are confused.

"Karen, what is a 'Tattoo and Piercing?'" Xey ask, pointing one of their tentacles at the building. Karen blinks at xem for a moment, and bursts out laughing. She gestures to her arms, which are covered in artistic markings.

"Tattoos are basically just permanent body art. I have over twenty. And piercings are a type of body jewelry." Zzgnaru is still confused. Karen tugs xem into the shop, where a person lies on a table, an artist working on a caterpillar tattoo.

Zzgnaru starts. "Is-is that a needle?" Karen nods. "So you aren't born with those?" Xey ask, shocked. "Yep. And piercings are where you use a needle to put small gems and stuff into your skin. Not permanently, you can take them out." Karen explains.

The person on the table looks up, and recognition flashes over their face. "Karen? Izzat you?" Karen looks over at them, surprised. "Moss? What the fuck, girlypop? I thought you had joined a space crew?" Moss shakes their head, sighing. "Rosatttiiia kicked me off the ship. Said I was 'too confusing.'"

Karen laughs. "Moss, babygirl, you are confusing. You're the most gremlin-y person I've ever met." Moss huffs. Then, Zzgnaru butts in. "Does that hurt?" Xey ask, motioning to the needle. Moss shakes their head. "Nope, not really."

Later, back on the ship, Zzgnaru rants to Steve and two of the Penaconian crew members about how humans are crazy. "The ones with the patterns aren't normal? The unmarked ones aren't albino? What the crap is this, Steve? First Karen bleeds from her genitalia, now this?"

Steve ends up showing them his singular tattoo and explaining that they have ways to ease the pain.