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Freak Show Talk | 3racha, lmh

𝙡𝙞𝙭. 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙩𝙖𝙜

! fwb, free use ft. all, fujoshi fem reader, poly, enm, angst, smut, dead dove do not eat. <1k wc. 18+ readers only !

!! this chapter contains intense emotional distress, proceed w caution !!

「Contents List」 「Act 1」  「© June 2024 by jl-micasea-fics」

Amongst a sea of twinkling lights and body heat, Chan drowns.

Nobody sees him. Not the overexcited boys with light-sticks in the front row, not the busy press in the back. Not even Jisung and Changbin, who clap with measured appreciation. His heart is in his fucking throat. It was an awesome performance; credit where it’s due. They’ll make an excellent group. If only he could shift this rock in his gut. He tells himself it’s a good that nobody saw him— that Jia didn’t. He’s not here to be seen.

In one thing, Fei was right. At this moment in time, he’s just another fan.

The cries for an encore make his teeth ache. He’s glad when Changbin takes his hand and says, “We should move, hyung.”

He autonomously follows Changbin through the row, down the shallow steps to the well below the stage where bright lights dazzle and cameramen fuss. Several others have also risen to leave, apparently none bothered by the possibility of an encore; the rappers fall into step with them, diverging quietly and anonymously from the group when passing a curtained, sectioned off area— backstage access.

The corridor they step into is cold and dark. Almost too quiet. They rush down it softly, until Changbin nears the first corner and peers around it.

“Down here,” he instructs with a whisper. “Dressing room signs.”

“They’ll all be in there, hyung,” Jisung hisses.

“Then he’s just going to have to do this with an audience.”

“No chance, he can’t do that. There has to be another way. Can’t we wait until they—”

“Fine.” Chan shakes out of Jisung’s hold, much as he doesn’t want to. “I’ll go.”

“Hyung, but they’re all—”

“This is my last chance, right? If they’re really about to debut, this is it. I have to do this.”

Jisung’s eyes betray concern, but he nods solemnly.

“Thank you,” Chan says. “Both of you. I, uh... would probably be neck deep in a bottle of soju right now if not for you.”

Changbin elbows him gently. “Hey, you might still be. Never say never.”

“Right.” Chan huffs a morose laugh. “Well, then.”

He doesn’t let himself think about it. Just walks. Feels the floor beneath his feet and the harsh fluorescence against his eyes and just walks. He tries to breathe. Hurts a little. Nonsense tumbles around his head, and he dreads what’ll come out of his mouth.

The dressing room door is ajar; light chatter and giggles carry from it. He can’t think about all the ways this may go wrong. With a deep breath he pushes inside, slams the door behind him. Doesn’t know why he flicks the lock. Four sets of eyes turn to him, liner and glitter and feathery lashes.

“Chan?”

Jia. She sees him. Her dark hair is waved, her stage outfit so pink and garish it makes Chan want to puke. She hates pink.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I needed to see you.”

Minyoung and Suji watch with quiet delight. Fei hangs her head. Jia launches from the dressing table and rushes him, panic becoming her.

“You can’t be here.” She shoves his chest. “Leave, now.”

“Jia, please.” He grabs her wrists. Just wants her to listen. Just for a minute. Just one. “I’ve missed you so much. I don’t know why you’re being like this. Things don’t have to change. They don’t. They shouldn’t.”

Suji scoffs. “Thought you two were just friends, Jia?”

Jia’s face flames. “Get the fuck out of here. I won’t tell you again.”

“Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong?”

“Hey,” Minyoung stands. “We can’t have a dude in here, Jia. Take it outside.”

“She takes it outside and she gets seen with him,” Fei sighs. “Goddamn it, Chan.”

Jia shoves him again, towards the door. “You just can’t take a hint, can you? I am about to debut. Do you get that? My life is about to change. Millions of people are going to love me. I have to make room for them.”

“Them?” Chan can hardly breathe. “And what about me? Do I not matter?”

“I can’t be with you.”

“That’s not what I asked—”

“I’ll be on the three-year ban.”

“What? Since when did that matter? Jia—”

“It wasn’t real, Chan! We both knew that. We were always kidding ourselves. You might be content to be a trainee forever, but I'm not. This is my future.”

He tastes the bile again. Everything tilts.

“You were my future, Jia.”

“I didn’t ask to be.”

It tilts and tilts until it’s upside down.

“You love me,” he says. “I know you do.”

Suji bites back a laugh. Fei glares.

“These two years can’t have been for nothing. They can’t.”

Jia shoves him again. Almost knocks him off balance.

“Get out before I start screaming.”

Screaming?

Fucking screaming?

The way she did when he made her come? The way she did when he told her he loved her?

“Fuck you.”

Jia’s jaw drops. Her eyes burn resentment. She starts towards him.

“Jia!”

A slap clean across his cheek breaks Fei’s warning; Chan drops like a sack of stones, heat bleeds over his skin, his head rattles.

“Get out.”

“You love me.”

“Get out!”

“Lie to yourself all you want. You’ll always love me, Jia.”

“Get out! Get out, get out, get out!” she screams, so hysterical as to force the other girls to intervene.

Fei offers her sympathy. “I tried to tell you.”

Violent banging on the dressing room door breaks it down. Chan knows how this will present; doesn’t fight it when security see the screaming girl and the guilty man with signs of struggle on his skin.

He collects Jia’s screams and carves them into his skin, raw and bloody, one by one.

“Sasaeng! He’s a fucking sasaeng!”

𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚, 𝙧𝙚𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜, 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚 >

𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙣𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙? 𝙨𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙨 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙚 ♡ >

𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙤𝙥𝙚𝙣 𝙞𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮 - 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙫𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙚𝙚𝙣 𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙛𝙞𝙘 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙖𝙨 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙖𝙨 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙚! 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙖𝙜𝙚 𝙢𝙚 ♡ >

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