I Have A Terrible Sense Of Humor - Tumblr Posts
This one's a bit gross, but if you have an iron stomach and the same sick sense of humor that I do, I urge you to read below the cut (it's worth it).
Like A Snickers, For The Undead
There once was a Vampire named Jack,
Who had a severe hunger attack.
It may seem disgusting to you,
But he sucked a used Kotex or two.
To a Vampire, that’s just a light snack.
The Anatomy of Tom Swifty
A little literary history lesson for you all:
According to Wikipedia and Fun-With-Words, the type of pun known as a "Tom Swifty" derives from an adventure book series about a hero named Tom Swift. In 1910, Edward Stratemeyer invented the character and the series was penned by Stratemeyer and/or a series of ghostwriters (the two sources seemed to disagree) under the pen name Victor Appleton. Regardless, the authors had an aversion to repeating the phrase "he said" or "she said" when writing dialogue and often replaced the simple phrase with a more descriptive, and flowery, alternative. Here are some (pared down) examples from Tom Swift and his Airship:
"Oh, I'm not a professor," he said quickly.
"No professor?" cried Miss Perkman indignantly.
"Say something, Tom — I mean Mr. Swift," appealed Mary Nestor, in a whisper, to our hero.
"I — I don't know what to say," stammered Tom.
This style became iconic and it was easy to parody. The result was a sub-group of Wellerisms (a category of puns) called Tom Swifty. The name itself derives from the oft-used adverb ending "ly" (though it was ultimately shortened to "y").
Now to the heart of the matter:
A Tom Swifty is a carefully worded quotation followed by "[said] Tom [potential modifier]" where the words in brackets are replaced with other words that give the quotation double meaning when interpreted literally or sounded out.
They are also much easier to understand by seeing examples.
"I am neither person, place, nor thing," Tom denounced.
"Did I mention I can juggle chainsaws?" Tom said, offhandedly
"I said my garden needs another layer of mulch," Tom repeated.
"Oh no - I dropped the toothpaste!" said Tom, crestfallen.
"Of course I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.
"Excuse me, could you tell me how to get back to China?" Tom asked, disoriented.
For a more daring challenge, even the name can be changed to modify the pun.
"Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously
"Simply put, the doctor said I have split-personality disorder," said Tom, being frank.
These wonderful samples were taken from a Reddit post (a few were altered slightly).
In conclusion, Tom Swiftys are terrible groaner puns which I will occasionally be posting in the future.
f: "this is where i watched my bestfriend die, kazami."
k: "cowabummer!!"
i'm genuinely curious after seeing a post about it so