Im Saddd - Tumblr Posts

Sometimes I cry.

Don't ask me the reason.

Because then,

I'll cry harder.

his wedding //.//

“Jungkook one shot”

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x female reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mention of blood, glass and wine

Word count: 3.2 K

A/N: I wanted to write something but I wrote this :”) If you want a song recommendations to listen while reading listen to 🎶 Can you hear my heart 🎶 by Epik High ft Lee Hi

[1:50 AM]

I kept the fourth wine bottle on the table and held my wine glass which was half empty, I reached out for my phone, I looked at the wallpaper and started smiling. “Oh, so this is our end after 7 years? Right. You are going to marry someone else tomorrow after promising that we will be together.” I was smiling, I don’t know why and unknowingly my tears started falling. “This is way too much, I thought I will be able to manage and co-operate with this situation. But, how could I? You are my first love. And I can’t forget my first love who was with me for 7 years. We didn’t meet after our 7th year anniversary. I can’t say goodbye to you because it’s hard to say goodbye but I will do it tomorrow, on your wedding”

Everything that happened, that night I wish I could forget and make a new start but tell me how to do that? I want to forget you and think that you are one of those random guys who always make fake promises but I can’t. I am ready to attend your wedding and give myself pain so that I will be able to forget you instead of missing you; once I see your wedding, I will see you as someone else’s husband. I will not tell myself that you will come back and hold me tight like you used to do.

TELL ME WHAT MORE TO DO TO FORGET YOU AND TO STOP HOPING MORE? TELL ME JUNGKOOK

In anger, my grip was getting tighter on the glass and eventually it broke due to pressure and the pieces were scattered everywhere. I swear it didn’t pain, I liked the feeling and blood. My hand was bleeding. I held the pieces in my hand and tried crushing them but it didn’t work and I was frustrated so I thew the pieces on the floor.  I was angry on myself.

5 DAYS AGO; 7TH ANNIVERSARY

[7 PM]

I was getting ready for dinner, I wanted to surprise him by taking him out today for dinner date. I texted him to come home fast and get ready. I let my hair down and applied nude makeup. I looked at myself in the mirror, a blue knee length dress with a sweetheart neckline and a heart shape pendant gifted by Jungkook. I heard the bell; I went running down the stairs because I know who it was. I opened the door and he came in, I looked at him; he was holding flower bouquet which was hiding his face. I hugged him tight, I was holding him tight, “Ayyyyyyyy aren’t you going to give this bouquet to me? Huh?” I wanted to tease him but he never hugged me back; I held his hands and saw him smiling, it wasn’t his normal smile. We came to the living room. He didn’t give me bouquet and I looked at him, I was having an urge to ask him what’s wrong? Why does it look like he is broken? Is it hurt? Did I hurt him?

He hugged me, all of a sudden and it was tight. I could feel something was wrong, I broke the hug and looked at him, his eyes said something I couldn’t understand.

“Kookie are you okay? Huh? Are you sad?” I looked at him but he was avoiding my gaze; he was looking down all the time.

“Jungkook, tell me. What’s wrong?”

“Jungkook, tell me. Please” I was getting worried, very worried.

“I… I love you” he said me those words.

“I love you too Jungkook” I smiled at him. “now tell me what happened? Please, Kookie. I am here by your side” I was worried, I was requesting him but he looked like he wasn’t going to say anything. I know my limits; I can’t force him to say everything. I will give him his own personal space.

“Jungkook, if you are not going to say, I won’t force y-

“I am getting married” he said,

“Wow! I am so happ- wait what? You- Jungkook” I looked at him, the flower bouquet he was holding fell on floor.

“Jungkook? You are getting what?” I hate his jokes, I was angry. Definitely this is the worst joke ever, my tears were falling already.

“Jungkook stop this type of joke, okay? I hate your jokes. Tell me it’s a joke. Please” I was holding his arms, I wanted him to say, this is a lie.

“Jungkoook!” I screamed. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t. This is what I get after spending and loving a guy for 7 years.

He hugged me, I was hitting him, why is he doing like this and specially today, he could’ve said it other day but no, he chooses today. “Let me go Jungkook, right now” I was trying to get out of his grip but he was holding me tight.

“Jungkook. LET ME GO. I SAID LET ME GO” I was shouting but it was in vain.

“How can I let you go when I love you? Tell me Y/N?” he was crying, my bare shoulder was getting wet, I can get hurt but I can’t see him hurt. I can’t.

“Jungkook, let me go. You are getting married. Kookie, let me go and don’t cry. Please Jungkook you’re hurting me more.”

“Tell me how could I not agree when dad threatened me by saying he will destroy your career and make your life miserable. How could I let you suffer? Tell me! I can’t let him do that” his words were making me cry more. I was sobbing harder and his grip around me was getting tighter “This is all because of the damn business. I hate business relationships. I don’t even know the girl, and dad said she loves me; does that makes any sense? I am ready to do anything for not letting you get hurt. I am sorry.”

“Jungkook, stop.” My mind was a mess, he is doing this to protect me? What kind of protection? Without him? Business? I know it very well and that was the reason I left my family and started my new career.

I can’t ruin him and his future.

“Jungkook. Stop everything and leave.” I took a step back from him.

“I am going to love you and you only, even if I get married I can’t forg-

“Jungkook, go. I hate you. Go now. I don’t need you. That’s it”

“Y/N listen it’s nothing like that”

“Go away. I said I hate you.”

“Y/N I know you don’t mean it. You love me.” His eyes were getting more teary, just to stop hurting him and getting in between his new life; I had only one idea and that was to push him away. Living as his mistress? Never, I would feel worse for his wife. I don’t want to be a girl who takes away someone’s husband.

“I hate you. Jungkook I SAID GO.” It was very obvious that he wasn’t buying my lies; which fool will buy my lies after loving him like that.

He was coming near me and I was taking each step backward; I was ready to do anything to end us right now. I can’t get him hurt. Soon I was in a dead end, my back felt the kitchen counter. “you can’t go anywhere now.”

“Jungkook-

“Will you still push me if I tell you how much I love you.” He pressed his lips against mine, his kiss was soft and it was melting me, he pulled me closer. His touches were working on me like they always did. My tears were falling, I can’t get weak. I pushed him with all the force I had, I slapped him. “Stop forcing me Jungkook. I said I hate you; do you get it?” my screams were louder than anything. I know how shit I felt when I slapped him. I hate myself for doing this to him.

“Y/N this is not you, right?”

“You haven’t seen me like this and this is my true self." I was pushing Jungkook and anyhow I managed to bring him near the door. He was getting weak too, and he will never push me because he knows. I pushed him hard to and he was outside my house. I slammed the door infront of his face, his eyes; those eyes I can never forget them. Those sad eyes will haunt me forever for being so harsh on him. I finally hurt him. He was hitting the door again and again “Y/N open the door. For god sake, please. Y/N please. Listen to me”

I can’t bear to hear to his voice not after what happened here. I walked up to the living room and picked up the flower bouquet. I went back to my room and in anger I started punching the wall, I hit the window glass and it broke. My hands were bleeding. The blue dress I was wearing now was painted with my blood. I broke down then and there. I hurt him, I did it. I hurt the one whom I loved more than love. My phone kept ringing; I didn’t bother to look up at that. I was hurt, I was letting a person go whom I treasured more than my life. Both of us are hurt but there’s no way I am going back to him just to ruin his life. ‘You did well Y/N.’ I said to myself to feel better but it wasn’t even working.

[PRESENT]

[2:00 AM]

“You know, Kookie, I finally got courage after 3 days to go out and I was a mess. I managed to find a beautiful white dress; that I will wear in your wedding. I am sure you will say, I am looking pretty like the way you did always. But this time I will push you again”. I was smiling, I was still looking at our picture. “I need to change the wallpaper”

“Ahh, I need to look good tomorrow, because it’s your wedding” and I was crying again. I left the mess there. I went back to my room and opened the first aid kit. I cleaned the blood and took out the pieces of glass which were piercing through my skin. My knuckle was starting to get better but now my hand. It didn’t hurt anymore. After cleaning and applying bandage, I charged my phone and tried sleeping. Another night with tears and nightmare.

[HIS WEDDING]

[10 AM]

I was changing the dressing of my hand. I did it carefully, I can’t be careless anymore. I need to work, from tomorrow. I quickly changed myself into the white dress I brought that day for his wedding. I let my hair down and keeping my side bangs perfectly. I applied very light makeup and wore the pendant he gifted me. I wore the bracelet and the watch. I looked at the time, it was nearly time, Jimin said he will come and pick me up.

Jimin being our mutual, I can’t cut off my connections with him just because of Jungkook. I heard my phone ring, I looked at the caller id, it was Jimin. I took my sling bag and went down. I saw Jimin’s car outside. I locked my house; I saw him standing outside his car, he was holding a bouquet of roses. He was smiling at me. “Pretty lady.”

“Thankyou Jimin. You look like a gentleman” I smiled at him.

“Thankyou but will you be okay? He still doesn’t know you are attending. Are you sure?” he was worried, his face said it all.

“I am okay. And I can count on you if something happens, right? I believe you Jimin.” I reassured him, with a smile. I know what I am going through and I can’t let myself down infront of myself.

“Yes. You got me, and here’s the bouquet you asked me to buy. Now let’s go” he gave me the bouquet and we drove.

The journey wasn’t that long and the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. Soon we reached the church. We got down. I am standing infront of the church. After tormenting myself for days.

“Y/N hold my arm, let’s go inside together. Okay?” He looked at me with a soft smile. I nodded; holding the bouquet in my hand we went inside the church. I saw a lot of people, his friends, Jungkook’s family too.

After sometime, Jungkook came standing near the father; I held Jimin’s arm tightly. I was getting anxious. I was looking down and the moment I looked at Jungkook, he eyes looked at me. He was taken aback after looking at me, his face was blank. He looked like a perfect human being, he was wearing tuxedo and his hair perfectly pulled back, his face looked perfect as usual. He had a tight smile before but now it’s gone. It felt like his eyes wanted to tell me something, something that only I can understand. I wanted to smile but it more than tough. I wanted to but I couldn’t, I finally managed to smile at him while holding back my tears from falling.

“Y/N are you okay? Do you want to leave?” Jimin asked me.

“No Jimin, I am okay. I want to congratulate both of them, then both of us can leave together. Now look at Jungkook, he looks perfect here. This is his happiest day of his life” I said him trying hard not to cry. Jimin, dragged me to a corner where only we could talk.

“Y/N you know it very well, this isn’t his happiest day but the worst day of his life. I know I shouldn’t say but you don’t know how he tortured past five days and he was self-loathing. He stopped everything and wanted to see you and only you. You were unavailable. He was broken too just like you. He loved you with all his heart and getting married to someone else for him was the biggest punishment. He was even ready to divorce this girl af-

“Jimin, I don’t want to live as a girl who stole someone’s husband. And do you think I wanted to meet him and tell him that everything will be fine after he came to my home and said he is getting married? Do you know how hard it was for me to cooperate with myself at that time? Do you think I never loved him? I loved him that much that I let him go. And marriage is not a joke, how can he say that he can divorce that girl who did nothing wrong but just loved him. She is going to give him and his family things I can’t give, his family will be better in business. Do you even know how much better I feel after looking at him right now?” Jimin took my hand.

“Do you think this will help? Y/N taking out anger on yourself and self-harming will help you?”

“Jimin stop. It’s nothing like that. Please.” I wanted to hold back my tears but can’t anymore. I broke down there. I never cried infront of Jimin.  My tears were unstoppable.

“Y/N I am sorry” he hugged me. I was sobbing, he kept saying sorry and I kept denying his apologizes because he did nothing wrong. He wiped my tears. “Y/N you don’t look good when you cry. Awwww stop crying.” He made me chuckle. I smiled looking at him.

“Now let’s go. I need to see the bride” I said and he nodded

We went back to where we were, it looked like Jungkook’s eyes were finding me. We heard that the bride is coming. I looked at Jungkook, he looked like his mind was a mess. I saw the girl walking with her dad in the aisle. I was still managing to smile with all my might. Even if I am sad for myself, I am happy for the girl who is going to have Jungkook as her husband because I know how Jungkook is. She was looking pretty and I am going to accept my fate.

I saw the girl’s dad gave her hand to Jungkook. Jungkook took and his eyes never leaving mine. The father started saying the bows. It was Jungkook’s turn to say, ‘I do’. Deep inside my heart I thought maybe he will say, ‘I don’t’ because maybe he wants to be with me. Maybe, there’s nothing wrong in hoping a bit. I didn’t realize the whole time that I was holding Jimin’s arms just too tightly.

My heart broke into millions of pieces when he said “I do”. I was holding myself from crying and I couldn’t anymore. I was crying and how badly I wanted to tell him, I still love you Jungkook. Everything looks like it slowed down.

My sight was a blur because of tears. I couldn’t see anything clearly anymore. I heard father asking the girl and she said “I don’t”. Everyone was shocked, I thought I was hallucinating.

“Jungkook, how can you say ‘I DO’ when you love someone else and she is crying in that corner?”

Jimin looked at me and I was still looking at the girl, she was coming near me, I saw her holding my hand and she smiled, a bitter sweet smile. When I looked at Jungkook, I was standing infront of him and people were looking at us and Jimin was surprised. “Y/N” I heard Jungkook say.

“Father, he should be marrying her, not me. There was a mistake. Father please understand this situation and please take their bows.”

This girl was about to leave, I held her wrist. “why are you doing this? I don’t even know you.”

“He loves you and you love him, do you think I can see him tormenting himself because he married me instead of you? I’ve seen him since past week and that was horrible. I don’t want him to suffer like that his whole life. I can fall in love again but he can never forget you and so do you. I saw you crying in the corner with his friend Jimin. So, take care of him and yourself” she looked at my hand. “We can talk after your wedding”

“Father I will excuse myself now” she said and left.

Rings were exchanged and father took the bow. This time Jungkook had a bright smile and eh said “I do” and it was my turn to say, I wanted to say but is it right to say? I was in a dilemma. I am getting married to Jeon Jungkook and this is my wedding. Is this even real? I looked at that girl who was supposed to be standing here instead of me. She nooded and smiled at me whereas Jungkook was hoping the same answer as him. I took a deep breath and looked at him, “I do” I said and I could feel the crowd cheering.

“Now you may kiss the bride”

“I love you Y/N” Jungkook said, I repeated after him “I love you too Jungkook” and the very next moment I felt his lips on me, it was a tender kiss as usual; but this time this kiss had emotions. His hands were on my waist and my hands automatically went around his neck. We held each other which intension of not letting go and a longing kiss. His right hand left my waist and trailed toward my hand; he held my hand tightly and we parted because we were out of breath. Both of us were breathing heavily, “never do this again because I am never letting you go. I love you” I heard him say pointing it to my hand. The crowd was cheering for us.

“I announce both of you as Mr. and Mrs. Jeon”

🎵WHEN I’M WITH YOUUUUUUUUU🎵 🎵THER IS NOOOOOOOOOOO ONEEEEEEEEE ELSEEEEEEEEEEEE🎵