Jaemin Best Boy - Tumblr Posts
glad you made a sequel 🥹🥹 it's so well-written 🥺💚
Lacuna
the void in your chest leaves you questioning your capacity to love.
❀ pairing: na jaemin x female reader
❀ genre: hanahaki au (kind of), college au, friends to lovers au, angst, fluff
❀ warnings: language, drinking, memory loss, hurt feelings again, y/n and jaemin are idiots, insecurities, mutual pining, mentions of death
❀ word count: 8.3k
↳ read part one here
The air in the waiting room felt suffocating. There was an unspoken tension closing in on the small space that made the two boys feel like they were trapped in a perpetual state of helplessness. Jeno could only stare at his fidgeting hands while Jaemin's anxious gaze remained on the doors that led to the operating room.
It had been hours, but you were still in surgery.
According to one of the nurses, the chance of the surgery not going well was devastatingly high since you had waited until the disease was in the final stage to have the flowers removed. You'd stubbornly held on to your love just like Jaemin had, and it landed both of you in the same place—on the verge of death.
It was frightening to think how big of fools you both had been. Neither of you had cared about the consequences despite knowing of how many people would be devastated if things didn't end well. Not to say the vacant feeling in his chest was an adequate ending, but it did beat the alternative.
“Did you know?”
For the first time since you were rushed into surgery, Jaemin tore his eyes away from the doors. Jeno was still staring at his hands with a shattered expression marring his face. His bloodshot eyes were filled with tears, and it was almost incredible how he hadn't stopped crying in all the hours that had gone by.
Admittedly, the question caught Jaemin off guard. It took him less than a second to realize that Jeno was now aware of the fact that he was the one responsible for the lilacs that had grown in your lungs. Although Jeno's question was not unreasonable, it did mildly irritate Jaemin. To him, it didn't make sense that the person who knew you better than anyone else never figured out where your heart was.
Somehow, Jaemin managed to hold back all the anger and resentment he felt long enough to answer Jeno civilly. “Know what? That Y/N was in love with you?”
Was.
Jeno wasn't sure why hearing that word broke his heart a little. It probably had to do with the way the sentence was structured in the past tense—just like the friendship between you two.
Jaemin let out a deep sigh. “I think you're the only one who didn't know.”
Before Jeno could think of anything to say, the doctor came out of the operating room. Her gaze was tired, but overall full of relief. Jaemin stood immediately and approached her. His eyes asked all the unspoken questions that were plaguing his mind.
“The surgery was a success.” The doctor said passively. “She's not awake yet, but you can go in and see her.”
She didn't need to tell either of them twice.
The two boys stopped just outside your room. They both felt heartbroken at the sight of your unconscious figure in the hospital bed. You looked sickly yet peaceful, but even that wasn't enough to make either of them feel any better. To think that you found peace only after having surgery to remove the one-sided feelings you had for your best friend was soul-shattering. Love was usually such a beautiful thing, except in moments like these where it seemed more like a merciless creature.
Before Jeno could fully enter the room, Jaemin brushed past him and immediately went to your side. He gently grabbed your hand like he had when you were being rushed into surgery. With a shaky sigh of relief, Jaemin began to delicately stroke your head and started to murmur soft words that Jeno couldn't make out.
Jaemin's tenderness took Jeno aback. It was hard to believe this was the same guy who he once thought had no emotions at all. But now even the most inattentive person would be see just how important you were to Na Jaemin. The amount of devotion in his eyes rivaled the way you once looked at him.
In the long hours of your surgery, Jeno belatedly realized that your gaze always held a tremendous amount of affection any time it was fixed on him. It made him realize how cruel fate truly was. If only you had fallen for someone like Jaemin instead of him; someone who was capable of loving you in the way you deserved.
When you started to stir, Jeno could feel his pulse quicken. The hope that you would be able to forgive him was strong, and the confidence that your friendship would eventually go back to its original state was stronger.
Your eyes slowly opened, and it felt like Jeno could finally breathe properly again. The joyful relief he felt deflated into disappointment when your eyes remained on Jaemin like he was the only other person in the room.
“Jaemin.” Your voice came out in a raspy whisper, but the delight in your voice was clear. “You're still here.”
He gave your hand a firm squeeze, eyes shimmering with tears of relief. “Of course I am, silly.” Jaemin breathed out weakly. “As long as I'm alive, I'll never leave you alone.”
All too suddenly, Jeno felt like he was intruding on what was meant to be a private, intimate moment. He shifted awkwardly and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. The sound of his rustling clothes finally made you tear your eyes away from Jaemin and notice his presence.
With your attention now on him, Jeno stepped toward you. “Y/N.” His voice trembled. “How are you feeling?”
Your silence was frightening, but the blank expression on your face more so. Mostly because it seemed like you were trying to piece something together. After a beat of silence, you finally spoke.
“Do... Do I know you?”
In that moment it felt like all the air got sucked out of the room. Jeno believed climactic moments were something that only existed in movies and books, yet here he was, trapped in the middle of one. With his loud heartbeat stifling his hearing, he helplessly looked to Jaemin. Your friend couldn't hide his shock nor the sympathy he apparently felt. Jeno felt his heart sink down into his stomach.
“I...” I'm your best friend, he wanted to say as if that would change anything. For some reason he couldn't get the words out. “I'm Jeno.”
The lack of recognition in your eyes made Jeno realize his worst fear had come true. You had forgotten him. It was only a few seconds ago that he felt confident about obtaining your forgiveness, but now it was clear that it was something he would never get. How were you meant to forgive him if you didn't remember him or what he had done?
You turned to Jaemin, face the picture of confusion. “Is he a friend of yours?”
The question delivered one last devastating blow to his heart, one that left behind a huge crack down the center of it.
It was official now.
Lee Jeno was no one to you anymore.
You didn't know what to expect when you were finally allowed to leave the hospital, but seeing both Renjun and Chenle waiting for you was not on the list. Before either of them could notice your presence, you drew back and turned away from them. The organ in your chest went into overdrive as you wondered how your friends would react when they saw you.
Chenle and Renjun never explicitly mentioned their opinion on the surgery, but if Jaemin's situation had taught you anything it was that a lot of people didn't support the procedure. In fact, many of your classmates had cut off their own family members for having the flowers removed or for supporting people who had.
“Hey.” Jaemin whispered softly. His hands found yours and he immediately began to gently caress the backside of your hands with his thumbs. “What's wrong?”
“What if—? What if they want nothing to do with me anymore?” You wondered in a trembling voice.
Somehow, Jaemin's empathetic eyes managed to make you feel comfort even in such an uncertain moment. He tugged you close to him before wrapping his arms securely around you. Melting into his warm embrace came naturally, and in that instant you could only focus on how safe you felt. Almost unconsciously, you snuggled deeper into him as it partially eased the worries you had.
“They've been blowing up my phone for the past week because they hadn't heard anything from you. I told them you had surgery, but I didn't go into details. Telling them about what kind of procedure it was is your choice. You don't have to tell them the truth if you don't feel comfortable, okay?”
You tightened your hold on Jaemin's slim waist. He truly was the sweetest guy you had ever met. You let out a sigh of relief and nodded. The nerves had almost gone away completely until a panic-inducing thought suddenly occurred to you. “Wait. Jeno didn't say anything to them, right? You said he's the one who brought me to the hospital, so what if he—?”
“Trust me, he won't say anything.” Jaemin soothed as his grip on you tightened.
You breathed out a relieved sigh. “Okay. Good.”
“Ma'am. Sir. This is a hospital.”
Chenle's crude joke was nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, it gave you a little peace of mind that maybe things wouldn't change if you ever decided to tell your friends the truth. As soon as you stepped out of Jaemin's embrace, Renjun and Chenle ran over to you and crushed you in a tight group hug.
“I'm going to kill you.” Chenle breathed out in a shaky tone before squeezing you tighter.
Renjun pulled back slightly, his concerned eyes scanned your face repeatedly. “How could you not tell us you were in the hospital?”
“Sorry.” You grimaced, knowing you should've contacted them to let them know you were okay. “I know I should've told you guys, but I just didn't want you to worry.”
“We forgive you.” Chenle eyed you with a small frown. “But if you ever keep something like this from us again, we won't forgive you.”
You nervously pressed your lips together. Okay, so maybe you wouldn't ever tell them the truth.
Renjun cleared his throat. “Since you've been eating nothing but hospital food, let's get something to eat. I'll text Jeno to meet us.”
There was that name again. Jeno. It didn't seem familiar, yet for some reason you got the impression that it was one that should've held some importance to you. Only, it didn't.
Jaemin looked at you, taking note of your pensive expression. He was quick to cut in before you could make a comment that would make it obvious that you had forgotten your best friend. “Actually, Y/N's pretty tired. Let's just do something tomorrow.”
Luckily, your friends didn't put up much of a fight and let you leave with the promise of hanging out another time.
Back at your place, you sat on your bed, contemplating the surgery and its outcome. There was now a void in your chest that was comparable to a fading soreness. The feeling was odd, but not overly bothersome.
Before the surgery, you became aware of all the possible outcomes. From what Jaemin (and the internet) had told you, the aftereffects varied by each case. Nevertheless, there were some guaranteed symptoms the surgery produced. The hollowness in your chest was part of that assurance. You weren't too concerned since there were documented cases of the void fading and eventually disappearing.
Honestly, you didn't mind the emptiness so much because it felt ten times better than the unbearable feeling of unrequited love that was once wrapped around your heart like a barbed wire. It was a phenomena that you were still unable to understand. You had entirely forgotten the person you were in love with, yet the memory of the pain that person caused remained perfectly intact.
You were pulled out of your thoughts when Jaemin came into your room with a cup of warm tea. He mentioned that it would help get rid of the soreness in your throat. After you accepted it with a thankful smile, he took a seat on your bed.
It was then that you decided to make a request.
“The person that I loved...” you began, unsure of how to properly articulate the favor without seeming too demanding.
Jaemin went still. He felt his chest tighten with a nervous anxiousness that he hated. There wasn't a huge chance that you would remember Jeno, but it was possible. Those types of cases were rare and not likely at all, yet he didn't doubt that the love you once had for your best friend was strong enough to help you remember him. That thought made an unbearable amount of dread fill his body.
“Can you not tell me who it is, please?”
The request hung in the air, and although it filled Jaemin with an inexplicable amount of relief, it also confused him. “Sure, but... why?”
“Because even if you tell me, it won't change anything. I'll only ever know them as the person who almost killed me.”
Jaemin understood you all too well, and despite the nagging feeling that things weren't going to pan out well, he agreed to your request.
Unlike your expectations, life after the surgery was fairly normal. The lack of feeling in your chest faded bit by bit, and no one had found out that you once had flowers in your lungs. It seemed like everything in your life was going back to normal.
However, there was still a piece that you couldn't place: Lee Jeno.
From what you could tell, he was someone who was very familiar with all your friends. The bond between them was clear and for some reason everyone acted like that connection extended to you. You assumed that your friends were trying prevent any awkwardness, but their efforts were in vain.
No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't form a genuine friendship with Jeno. You didn't understand why there was a disconnect since he was the type of person you would usually get along with. It didn't make sense that you felt like you two weren't really friends. Inexplicably, you couldn't feel anything toward him. No fondness, no dislike, nothing.
Part of you felt bad because Jeno was obviously someone very important to all your friends. Well, that wasn't exactly true. Despite the claim that he was Jaemin's friend, you had never seen them spend a lot of time together. In fact, they didn't act like friends at all.
That wasn't the part that bothered you so much. It was the fact that Jaemin actively avoided talking to and about Jeno while Jeno himself made it a point to try to involve himself in your life. Not in an overbearing or creepy way, but you could tell he was trying to cement a place for himself in your life for some reason. Their actions made you feel like you were missing something.
“Did you finish the assignment?”
You looked up from your laptop to see Jeno taking the seat across from you. Somehow, he knew about your daily routine to study at the library and always made it a point to stop by.
“Not yet.” You answered with an overwhelmed breath. “The professor gave me a couple of extra days to finish because of the surgery.”
It wasn't common for you to mention the disease or the procedure since those were things you wanted to leave in the past, but whenever you happened to bring it up you noticed that it made Jeno extremely uncomfortable. His reaction was nothing out of the ordinary. Most people didn't like to discus the topic, and you just assumed that he probably felt some sort of way about the choice you made to have the flowers removed.
The distant look in your eye was something that Jeno noticed happened often since the surgery. It made him wonder what could be so engrossing to make you forget he was right in front of you. A more hopeful part of him wished that you were possibly regaining some of your memories of him, but realistically, he knew it was something else that didn't involve him.
Jeno cleared his throat to gain your attention. It was only when you set your gaze on him that he realized the affection that once shone brightly in your eyes whenever you looked at him was no longer present. There was only a cold, unfeeling look that was usually reserved for strangers. He supposed that's what he was to you now. A stranger.
“Do you want to get some bubble tea with me after you finish?”
“Bubble tea?” You repeated with a curious tilt of your head. “I don't think I've ever had that. Is it good?”
It was hard not to feel pitiful after hearing your innocent inquiry. As Jeno came to find out, anything that was directly associated with him was also erased from your memory.
You first tried bubble tea back in high school when Jeno made you go with him to the new place that opened up near your school. He insisted that it was the most amazing thing in the world. Much to his chagrin, you didn't think so highly of the drink. But being the friend you were, you always drank it when he felt like getting some because you knew he loved it so much.
Jeno had no one but himself to blame for the way things turned out. You no longer recognized him (and probably never would) because he had acted like a total fool. He pushed away, and the distance he created between you two left him on the outside of what was happening to you. If he had been a better friend then maybe your illness wouldn't have gotten as far as it did.
Maybe you wouldn't have forgotten him.
“It's...”
The words died on his lips when he saw Na Jaemin approaching the table you two were at. Over and over Jeno had to convince himself that it was a good thing your new best friend had interrupted because he was on the verge of telling you that bubble tea was something you had tried back in high school. How was he supposed to explain that you had drank it with him for years if you didn't remember who he had been to you?
Instead of letting out all of his bottled feelings, Jeno watched silently as Jaemin bent down and wrapped his arms around you. Your smile was full of endearment as you placed your hands over his arms to return his affection.
“It took you long enough.”
Jaemin slid into the seat beside you with a slight pout on his lips. Your gaze lingered on his pink mouth a little too long before you realized what you were doing. An unfamiliar feeling warmed the cold emptiness in your chest, making you wonder if this was another aftereffect of the surgery.
“Sorry.” He apologized as he put down his tumbler and slid it over to you. Like a second nature, you readily grabbed it and took a sip, knowing it contained some sort of tea that would help your throat. “Jisung needed my help with something.”
Jaemin's eyebrows twitched slightly before he suddenly looked over at the boy sitting across from you as if he just noticed that Jeno was also sitting at the table. “Hey, man.”
“Hey.”
The tangible tension that always surrounded Jeno and Jaemin was part of the reason you doubted the alleged friendship between them. It didn't seem like they were actually friends. In fact, they gave off a really strong impression that they didn't even get along. That, or you figured they must've had some sort of fight and still hadn't made up.
Before you could try to diffuse the awkward tension, Jeno abruptly stood from his seat. “I'll see you guys later.”
His hasty exit perplexed you. The more you thought about it, the stranger it all seemed. After a moment of silence, you turned to Jaemin with a curious expression. “What kind of person is Lee Jeno?”
Jaemin felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. He tried to look at you with an impassive face, wondering why he felt so threatened by your question. It wasn't like you could feel anything for your former best friend ever again, but a sense of insecurity latched itself on to him regardless.
“He...” Jaemin paused, thinking back on what you used to say about Jeno when you still knew him. “He's nice, too nice. The kind of person you could trust with your life.”
Ironically, that's the very thing you had always emphasized about him.
“Jeno...” you started. “He has a girlfriend, right?”
“Yeah, why?”
“He never brings her around. I've only seen her in the pictures he posts.” You mentioned casually before you awkwardly shifted in your seat. “He keeps trying to hang out with me alone, and I just wondered if he's trying to make me his sneaky link or something. Is he that type of guy?”
Jaemin didn't say anything because he didn't know how to give you the answers you wanted without telling you the truth. He knew better than anyone that Jeno was only trying to fit back into your life despite the fact that you would likely never remember him. It was heartbreaking, but the selfish part of Jaemin was glad he wasn't progressing in the way he wanted.
“He's not.” Jaemin said firmly despite the bitter aftertaste his words left behind. “Don't worry, if he ever tries anything I'll put him in his place.”
In spite of the emptiness in your chest, you felt something that you could only describe as strings tugging at where your heart was meant to be. You couldn't be bothered to truly acknowledge the feeling because you convinced yourself that it couldn't be what came to mind.
Loving anyone romantically was something you were sure you couldn't do properly which is why you brushed off the feeling in your chest as a fleeting emotion that wasn't too deep.
“Are you dating Na Jaemin?”
The question snapped you out of your drowsy state and had you looking up from your half-eaten sandwich. A girl you vaguely recognized from one of your classes was looking at you with a slight nervousness that you instantly recognized. It was obvious that she only wanted to know because she was interested in your friend.
“No.” You answered her truthfully.
The growing grin on her face had a revolting feeling eating at your stomach. A more honest part of you knew it was jealousy, but you were still adamant in denying the obvious. Too caught up in the denial of your feelings, you didn't notice that the girl had left after gleefully thanking you for the information provided.
“Why didn't you tell her that you and Jaemin are together?”
You glared at Renjun who sat beside you. All the emotions building in your chest were having an internal battle to see which one could be most intrusive. So far, they were all winning.
“Because we're not.”
Your friend scoffed and shared a look with Chenle. Neither of them believed that your relationship with Jaemin was platonic. Even if you two didn't realize it, everyone around you did. It was only a question of getting you to admit it.
“I'm just going to say it.” Chenle suddenly announced from where he sat on the other side of the table.
You and Renjun looked over curiously, wondering where the sudden conviction in his voice had come from.
“The sexual tension between you and Jaemin is getting to be too much. You should just hook up and get it over with so we—” he motioned to Renjun and himself. “—don't have to keep watching you two pine over each other.”
You nearly choked on your own spit as you looked over at Renjun with wide eyes. His Chenle has a point and you know it face made you feel like being swallowed by the earth. The feelings in your chest had been growing for some time, but you thought you were doing a better job at getting rid of them. And the fact that your two friends—who never noticed anything—had become aware of your feelings meant that they were on full display for everyone to see.
“Just tell Jaemin you like him.” Renjun suggested. “I know we weren't his biggest fans when you first brought him around, but he's a cool guy. We can tell he feels the same way.”
“Or at the very least, he wants to sleep with you.” Chenle chimed in.
Taking their helpful advice was out of the question because they had no idea what they were talking about. You couldn't tell your friends that the supposed sexual tension they were seeing was nothing more than Jaemin being sympathetic of your situation. He too had almost died due to an unrequited love, and he was only worrying about your well-being. Sure, it had blossomed into a true friendship, but that's all it was. A friendship.
Plus, it wasn't like you could go up to Jaemin and offer him your hollow heart. Who would want a cavity of something that was meant to be whole?
There was also the not-so-small fact that you weren't sure if you would be able to properly love him. The emptiness in your chest made you doubtful of your capability to feel and express your emotions properly. Even if Jaemin was the most patient and understanding person you had met, he deserved better than what you could offer him.
Having false hope could only end in two ways, and you wouldn't be able to bear it if you started to cough up flowers for the second time in your life.
You always felt the most normal when you spent time with Jaemin. He was the one person who could calm your nerves and dissipate your anger. There was a comforting aura that constantly surrounded him, and you always basked in it every time he was around.
It was no different now that you two were sitting out on the balcony of your apartment. You were having a few drinks, and the buzz in your veins gave you the confidence to ask him the one question that had been on your mind for the past week.
“Do you think you'll ever fall in love again?”
Your question caught Jaemin off guard. His wide eyes shifted to you, feeling a blush suffuse his cheeks. “What?”
“I m-mean,” you stumbled, feeling the courage from before falling away easily. “I just– you told me once that you never wanted to fall in love again.”
Those words were something that he shared with you when you first became friends, but he didn't think you would still remember it. Now Jaemin was regretting ever renouncing love aloud because even if those were his thoughts before, that's definitely not what he was feeling now. In spite of not being able to admit it out loud, he was in love. With you.
“That—” Jaemin's frustration made him splutter. “That's not– I don't—”
“It's okay if you still feel that way.” You assured him, trying not to sound too disillusioned. “Love isn't everything.”
And it wasn't, but the way you made him feel was. You helped him realize that not all love was ugly, and that he deserved to be loved just like everyone else.
You swallowed thickly, wishing you had never said anything in the first place. “I mean, I get it. Never falling in love means that flowers will never grow in your lungs again.”
Your comment was meant to lighten the mood, but it didn't. A tense silence was left behind that you were eager to fill. However, the words you yearned to say got caught in your throat. You wished you could tell Jaemin that he was the person who made you believe it was possible to love again. Even if he didn't feel the same way you wanted him to know that it was him who filled the lacuna in your chest.
Unfortunately, you couldn't find the courage to confess your feelings.
Jaemin frowned. It never occurred to him that you might want nothing to do with love anymore, just as he once did. For some reason he never considered that the wound Jeno left on your heart was profound and deep enough to make you want to shield yourself from anyone that could possibly love you, even if that person was him. He couldn't blame you. In fact, he understood better than most since he had gone through the same thing.
But it did break his heart. Just a little bit.
Instead of showcasing his disappointment, he gave you a half-smile. “Yeah. I guess you're right.”
You always hated anything involving group work. Unluckily for you, the person you were assigned to work with was Jeno. Things between you two weren't unpleasant, but there was always an invisible wall that made things awkward. Even so, you had to push through it and work with him.
That's how he ended up at your apartment.
In an attempt to distract yourself from the awkward tension, you started to put your personal things away so there would be enough room for you two to work comfortably. When you were nearly done, you heard a sharp intake of breath. You looked up to find Jeno staring at the jar on your dresser with a horrified look on his face.
“These are...” his voice trembled as he picked up the jar full of lilac petals.
Anyone would be affected by the sight of the very thing that almost killed someone, but you couldn't understand the guilty and heartbroken look on Jeno's face. It wasn't like it was his fault you almost died.
“Those petals are the only thing I have left of the person I loved.”
It took everything inside Jeno to hold back his tears. The petals were dried up, but he could tell they were lilac petals—Hana's favorite flower. There was a lump in his throat that he couldn't get rid of. Somehow he managed to find his voice to ask you a question burning in his mind. “What do they mean?”
Your smile was bitter. “First love.”
First love. Is that what he had been to you?
The faraway look in Jeno's eyes made an absurd thought cross your mind. You wondered if it would be okay for you to rely on him just a little bit. “Hey, can I ask you something?”
Jeno snapped his head in your direction. He recognized the tone you got right away. It was the same one you got after realizing something. He held his breath, half-hoping that you would tell him you finally remembered who he was—who he had been to you.
“Sure.”
“Do you think it's possible to wholly love someone after getting the surgery?”
Maybe it was a relief that you didn't remember him. If you ever did remember that Jeno was the person who made flowers grow in your lungs, then you would realize that the doubts you were having about your feelings were all because of him. Despite the guilt clinging to him, Jeno responded in what he hoped was a casual voice. “Are you asking because you have feelings for someone?”
You bashfully looked away, wondering if Jeno would be able to keep your secret. Even if he couldn't, at least you would lighten the burden of your internal struggle.
“Yeah, but it... it's stupid.”
Jeno frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I guess I'm just afraid that I can't love him in the way he deserves—that the hole in my chest won't let me completely love him.”
You weren't sure why you were suddenly sharing something so personal with Jeno, but you assumed part of the reason had to do with the fact that you couldn't go to any of your other friends for advice since none of them knew about the disease that had almost killed you.
Jeno knew you were talking about Jaemin. He could tell by the way you looked at him. It was crazy how he could see the feelings you had for your friend so clearly, yet he had failed to notice the feelings you had for him once upon a time. A cruel irony, really.
“Why would you think that? Even I can tell how much you love Jaemin.”
You looked up in surprise. “How—?”
“How can I not know that you're in love with him? You're my—”
My best friend.
“—my friend.” Jeno finished lamely.
He was only glad you accepted his answer without any suspicions. You swiftly changed the topic and Jeno let out a quiet breath of relief, not knowing about all the questions that were brewing inside your mind. All of them had to do with him and who he really was.
“So, you're not going to tell Y/N how you feel?”
“No one wants to date someone who had the disease and then had surgery to have it removed.” Jaemin said like it was a confirmed fact.
When Jisung didn't respond, he looked over to see his friend giving him an unimpressed stare. Jaemin scowled. “Don't give me that look. I'm completely valid.”
Jisung raised an eyebrow, eyeing his friend dubiously. “Actually, I don't think you are.”
Jaemin gave him an icy glare.
Jisung remained unfazed by the scornful look. “I'm just saying to look at the facts. Y/N has never cared that you had the procedure. Why would she suddenly care if you confessed to her?”
“She never cared about it because she's only thought about me as a friend. It's different if I tell her that I have feelings her and want to be with her. She might not want to be with someone who had the surgery.”
Jaemin knew he was only projecting his own insecurities, but he couldn't help it. You asked him not to tell you about your past love because you didn't want to know anything about it, and you actively avoided the topic of love altogether. It was clear that love was something you were no longer interested in.
“You won't know until you tell her.”
Jaemin knew his friend was right, but he couldn't stop thinking that maybe love wasn't in the cards for either of you.
You couldn't remember the last time you went to a party. There was a vague memory in your mind of coughing up petals at a frat house then Jaemin finding you, but it was a night you couldn't fully piece together.
The need to stifle your feelings and forget your problems prompted you to accept Haechan's invitation. You were somewhat close to him, but you couldn't remember exactly how you became friends. It was like you two were suddenly friends before you realized it.
When you arrived at Haechan's place, you were relieved to find a lot of people you recognized at the party. You felt comfortable enough to wander on your own and mingle, encouraging Jaemin to do the same. A light feeling overcame you as you watched him join Jisung and Mark in a game of beer pong. It made you happy to see Jaemin break out of his introverted disposition and actually have fun.
Things started to pick up after Renjun offered you a shot then another and another. Normally, you were good at pacing yourself, but your need to escape your inner turmoil made you readily accept all the alcohol your friend was offering.
You vaguely remembered taking shots with Renjun and the girl he was talking to, but after the sixth shot you felt your head start to swim. Trying to keep yourself from face-planting, you stumbled toward the kitchen to grab a water. Instead of fully entering the small space you leaned against the door frame to keep yourself from falling. As you prepared to resume your trek toward the fridge, a sealed water bottle was handed to you. With a slow blink, you looked up to see Jeno looking at you with concern.
“Drink it.” He insisted. “You always get like this when you drink too fast.”
You had barely accepted it when you registered his words. All too suddenly, you felt extremely sober. “Yeah?” You scoffed. “How would you know?”
Your aggressive tone took Jeno aback. The gaze you were directing at him was almost accusatory, and he didn't know what to think of it. Before, you would've never spoken to him using the tone you just had. Then again, it was true that you were no longer the person he once knew. Your unfamiliar behavior was just a byproduct of what he had done to you.
You let out a deep sigh. “Never mind. It's not like I can expect the truth from you.”
Those words left Jeno feeling cold because in that moment it seemed like you knew exactly who he was.
Abandoning the water he gave you on the nearest flat surface, you brushed past him without saying anything else. Your icy expression was nothing new, but something about it was different this time. After a belated second, Jeno snapped out of his shocked state and went after you as you headed for the front door. Panic sept into his chest like an uncontrollable flood. He wouldn't let you walk away from him this time.
“Are you leaving already?”
It was Renjun's voice who called out to you, and you only gave him a fleeting glance. Since he was with Chenle and Haechan you decided to keep your inner turmoil to yourself and only offered him a nod as a response.
Before you could reach the street, a gentle yet firm hand grabbed your wrist. The displeased frown on your face deepened after you turned and saw that Jeno was the one who stopped you from leaving. You couldn't feel a lot toward him which is why you weren't sure if the irritation you were feeling was produced by him or by the realization you had.
“What the fuck are you doing? Let go.”
Jeno released you from his hold, but pleaded you to stay and hear him out. You weren't sure what possessed you to stay and listen since the pitiful expression on his face didn't make you feel sorry at all.
“Did I do something?” He finally asked. “I'm sorry if I made you upset. I didn't mean to.”
You scoffed. If only that was the case. If only you were capable of feeling upset or anything toward him. There wasn't any resentment or hate that you could actively identify, but something akin to anger suddenly overcame you and took over your actions.
“Why do you keep doing this to me?”
The cold air nipped at Jeno's exposed skin, but that was nothing compared to the chill your words gave him. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach that he could categorize as the same feeling he got when you revealed that it was him who had put flowers in your lungs.
“Y/N—?”
“I found a picture of us.” You cut him off, tired of the way he was looking at you. “It was a picture from high school. I can't remember taking it, or even when it happened, but it exists.”
The heartbroken look in Jeno's eyes produced no tender emotion from you, but it did let you know everything you needed to know. From the moment you found the picture shoved in a box of clutter that had been sitting at the back of your closet, you had this inkling that wouldn't go away. Now, the look on his face confirmed everything you were thinking.
“Isn't that funny?” You let out a breathy chuckle, but there was no traces of humor in it. “How can I not remember that? How can I not remember you?”
So many things were wrong about this moment, but now the truth was out in the open, and there was no taking it back. Jeno tried to figure out how he should explain himself, but you didn't give him the chance.
“Everyone acts like we've been friends forever, but I never understood why. Now I get it.” Your voice lacked any emotion. You didn't even sound angry. “It was you, wasn't it? You're the person who made lilacs grow in my lungs.”
The silence was suffocating, and it was as good of an answer as any of his words would've been. You swallowed thickly, hating that you couldn't even feel upset. Not when it involved him.
“Even if don't you tell me, I know the truth. And I know because I should feel angry or hurt or even disgusted, but I don't. I don't feel anything.”
Jeno felt like someone had taken his ability to speak because he couldn't say anything. You weren't looking at him with hate or resentment, just pure indifference. In that moment he wondered if your resentment would've felt better than your disregard.
“I'm sorry.” He apologized tearfully. “I never meant to hurt you. And I know, I know my apology doesn't change anything, but I hope that you can forgive me. We were best friends before... everything, and I-I still want to be that for you—”
“Why?” You demanded, trying so hard to force out an emotion from your chest. The attempt was futile. “I can't be the person you once knew.”
Despite the silence being thick with tension, you could only feel a mild need to get away from Jeno. Not because you actually felt anything toward him and his apology, but because you just felt tired of the whole situation. All you wanted was to go home and forget about the entire night.
The sound of approaching footsteps made you tense. You looked over, horrified to see not only your three friends standing five feet away from you, but Jaemin as well. From the look on their faces you could tell they had heard everything. Your eyes fell over to Jaemin, noticing that he wore an expression that looked like he could murder someone.
“What's going on?” Jaemin demanded as he looked between you and Jeno.
“Nothing.” You said briskly. “I'm just going home.”
Jaemin stopped you before you could go anywhere. “Wait for me inside, okay? We can leave together.”
In that moment you contemplated on what to do. You didn't want to go back inside, especially with the way Renjun, Chenle, and Haechan were staring at you. Eventually, you decided that listening to Jaemin was best.
Once you were inside, Jaemin turned to Jeno with a dark look on his face. “What was that? Did you tell her the truth?”
“No.” Jeno said with a frown. “She said she found a picture of us from high school and that she knew it was me who put flowers in her lungs.”
Jaemin ran a hand down his face. He knew keeping you in the dark would backfire. Now, all he could do was try to deescalate the situation. “I think you should go.”
“What?” Jeno scoffed, not believing what he was hearing. He looked behind Jaemin for a second to the three boys who were watching. “Haechan is my friend. Why should I leave?”
“Why should she?” Jaemin challenged. “You're the one that keeps bothering her.”
If looks could kill, Jaemin would have disintegrated into thin air. Of course your friend didn't understand Jeno's need to atone for everything that he had done. It was selfish to expect things to go back to the way they were before your procedure, but he had to at least try to put everything back to the way it was. He missed you terribly and wished to have you back in his life like before, but now he knew it would never be possible.
With that realization, his initial anger melted away into a defeated sadness.
“She's my best friend.”
Jaemin let out a sigh, only feeling partially bad. “She doesn't remember you. The only thing she knows now is that you almost killed her.”
His words were harsh, but they were the truth.
And Jeno had no choice but to accept it.
Your hangovers weren't usually so bad, but when you woke up after Haechan's party you felt like your head was being split open. With an ungracious reach, you grabbed your phone to look at the time. On the screen you found messages from your friends asking if you were okay and wanting to talk. It made you feel relieved that they didn't seem to be too hurt that you kept your near-death a secret from them.
After you tossed your phone aside, you groggily dragged yourself out of bed to try to find some medicine that might help you with your headache.
When you walked out of your room, you heard soft sizzling. You followed the sound to find Jaemin in your kitchen, standing in front of the stove. The sight of him cooking in your kitchen made you feel like your heart was going to leap out of your chest. It wasn't fair how sweet and caring he was. Did he even know what he was doing to you?
As you shuffled closer, Jaemin glanced over his shoulder and gave you a soft smile. “Hey. How are you feeling?”
“I'm never drinking again.” You told him as you sat down at the kitchen counter.
Jaemin turned down the heat before he set down a glass of water and some medicine where you were sitting. He gently caressed your head and urged you to take the medicine with the promise of breakfast being ready soon. The gentle kiss he pressed to your temple nearly had you melting in your chair. You could've kissed him right then and there.
The way you were looking at him with your shining eyes made Jaemin feel like his heart would implode from all the feelings filling up his chest. There were so many things he felt like saying, but it would have to wait until you were feeling better.
You were about halfway done with the breakfast Jaemin cooked for you when you decided to ask a question that you'd been wondering about since last night. “How long was I in love with Lee Jeno?”
Your question was spoken casually, but the atmosphere it created was heavy and serious. Despite that, you kept eating like normal.
“Since you graduated high school.”
Jaemin gauged your reaction, but expectedly you didn't have one. It wasn't surprising since all the feelings you once had for Jeno were long gone, but he at least expected a bit of anger after finding out your former best friend was the person who almost killed you.
It was silent for a moment before you spoke again. “Thank you for keeping your promise.” You said genuinely. “I know it couldn't have been easy for you, and I'm sorry I put you in that position.”
The way you looked at him made Jaemin wish he could freeze time and revel in the moment forever. It felt like his overwhelming emotions were about to burst at the seams. “I would do anything for you.”
You couldn't stifle the emotion filling up your chest or the words on the tip of your tongue. “I think I love you.”
The pause after you spoke those words felt like an eternity. Jaemin's eyes were shining with an emotion that looked a lot like—
“I know I love you.”
In the next moment Jaemin was leaning over the counter, pressing his lips to yours. The clash of your lips was slightly messy, but that didn't take away from the euphoric feeling it produced. Jaemin's soft lips made you lose any coherent thought that was on your mind three seconds ago. All you could concentrate on was the gentle movement of his mouth that was also full of fervent need.
Whenever you daydreamed, a moment like this would always come up. For the past month you constantly imagined what it would be like to have Jaemin's lips on yours, but everything you dreamt up didn't compare to the real thing. You could feel all his pure emotions pouring into the kiss.
Finally, you had to pull away. The sight of his slightly swollen lips drive you crazy. Na Jaemin would be the death of you.
Meanwhile, Jaemin couldn't believe he ever thought you might reject him because now he could see that you were looking at him with literal stars in your eyes. Your affectionate face almost had him pulling you in for a second kiss.
Jaemin let out a dreamy sigh. "I've been wondering when the right time to tell you about my feelings, and I was so fucking nervous this entire time."
"I wanted to tell you a long time ago." You said honestly. "But I couldn't say it because I thought you wouldn't feel the same way.
Jaemin stood from his seat and walked over to you. He bent down slightly to face you, eyes shining as his hands gently caressed your thighs. "You want to know something?" He grabbed your hand and placed it on his chest. "My heart was only a hollow shell until you came along. I never thought I'd feel whole again, but you filled me with love."
His hand tightened over yours the tiniest bit, and you couldn't contain yourself. You pulled him closer and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. When you pulled back, you gave him a love-stricken grin.
"You helped me heal and become a better person. I love you and I always will."
And you meant it because the lacuna in your chest had completely disappeared thanks to him.