Jude Bellingham Angst - Tumblr Posts

haunted apartment.

jude bellingham x reader. angst. in the apartment where he left you and the apartment that was left behind.

Jude never liked the apartment of yours in Madrid, it was too small for his liking; but for you it was safe enough for two. Somewhere in the busy streets of Madrid, you decided to rent your apartment that had enough space for one year lease as you had hit a jackpot on a study exchange aboard in Spain, specifically Madrid.

The apartment was good: one bedroom, a small living room, toilet and kitchen but your favourite part was the small balcony connected to your bedroom. However, Jude hated it, the balcony faced the buzzling streets of Madrid and the dirty gaze of other men that he could not protect you from; but you never listened, you never did.

Around this time last year, Jude was leaping up and down in excitment to meet you in your apartment away from the sudden rushed fame and his playful mother to his soft, and warm girlfriend who would embrace him into home. Now, he stood downstairs staring blankly at the peach coloured wall and stairs that once led to you.

He remembered complaining about the stairs vividly, "I cannot believe I have to do this." He rolled his eyes, lifting your small pink couch up the stairs. You chuckled, shaking your head jokingly at his annoyance. You loved the most about Jude is that there were minor things annoying the shit out of him. Such as these peach coloured stairs and the bright hot summer sun of Madrid did not help from the sweat dripping down his cheek.

"It is just on the second floor, babe." You calmly said, lifting the couch from the bottom. Jude forced a fake smile, turning his eyes into crescent moon. By the tenth complain, Jude had reach your frontdoor and before he could open his mouth and rant again, you shook your keys to distract as you turned the key to open your apartment door.

You winked, slamming the door open wide. "Welcome home, Jude."

"The previous flat owner asked me to give these keys if you ever come back." The security guard shook the keys in front of Jude to get him out from the trance. He nodded, smiling in manner.

Jude never liked the apartment, the ceilings were too low, and the wallpaper were faded into yellow. He, then recalled your eyes twinkled in happiness as it danced around every corner of the room. Jude realized how much you wanted this, to make the apartment yours. So he decided to try to like the apartment for you.

He stood in the middle of the living room.

"Tell me you do not have feelings for her, Jude?" You demanded.

He groaned in anger, "Why are you asking me these questions when I already told you I needed her help about something." He clicked his tongue, absurd at your words, your accusation.

"What kind of fucking help? What kind of help that I could have not given you?" You cried out in frustration. The walls were thin, you realized the first time you argued with Jude. The security guard had banged on your door, with swollen red eyes you opened. Instead of screaming in fits of anger, he just asked you to apologize to the next door.

So you did. Apologized later that night, saying you were just fighting for love that was losing its meaning.

Jude sat in silence as you seeked for answers. You breathed in softly, tears pooling in your eyes. You still have a few weeks to go before flying back to England; you were not risking another apology out of complete embarassment to your next door neighbour that you are really losing everything you came to Madrid for.

Jude had sat down the small couch with his head buried in his palm, you sat on the floor between his legs, pulling his hand away from his face to fit in yours. "Jude, I just want to know if you have feelings for her? If you just tell me that you do not, we can stop fighting. I will stop fighting." You asked, your heart twitching in pain as a woman, your intuition was your best calling but how much you wished in that moment for your intuition to laugh at your face.

You squeezed his hand gently. He opened his mouth before closing again, he replied crushing your whole world down in flame.

"I found myself wanting to go to her with my problems than coming to you." He confessed shutting his eyes in the sudden petrified ache that ran through his body as you losen your grip of his hand. Your hand falling on your lap as you sat in silence, maybe minutes or hours.

Jude found a small box in the table next to your tiny kitchen. With his shaky hands, he took a few photo frames out from the box. You had his graduation photo framed, Jude was not a fan of it.

"Oh my god! You looked adorable, baby." You squealed in the sudden hidden gem found to decorate your living room. It was a small young Jude, showing off his teeth smile but his eyebrows furrowed, he was annoyed in the picture. Jude laughed tackling on your back as he straddled on top of you to cage you. "Do not dare, i swear to god." He threatened but you mischievously shown your tongue, not listening to him at all.

Now, he wonder why he was not a fan of it, he was so happy.

You also had photoframed your picture with Jude in the Bernabéu stadium for the first time. He had a soft smile on his face wiping his finger through the frame, thinking on how nervous you were for him. It was a new chapter Jude was taking further away from you again and every moment was killing you.

You turned bumping your head onto his chest, Jude wrapped his arm around your waist. "I am just nervous. It is really the Real Madrid you dreamt about." You reminded yourself, rather than reminding him about it.

Jude glanced at your lower lip you were biting, your chest somewhat beating rapidly than usual. He let go off your waist to cup your cheek, rubbing his nose against yours. "Thank you for coming here with me, baby." He expressed himself, settling his head on yours. You smiled, "I will always come anywhere with you."

"Do you want a picture together? It is a good day." The photographer offered.

You nodded, fixing your hair away from your face, wrapping your hand around his arm: "Of course."

On the bottom of the box laid all the jerseys Jude left in your apartment, you did not take one token of memory with you back home, nothing about him remained in your luggage as you returned back home. Jude felt a void forming in his chest. The type of ache he had no words for.

The whole apartment was too neat for his liking. It was neater than the room you were welcomed to. Jude hated it, from the minute you entered this apartment, nothing embraced you wholly. Not this fucked up apartment, not your next door neigbours, not your security guard, not even him.

This fucking apartment was the only piece of you for Jude to reminisce in Madrid and he just could not even bring himself to like it enough.

He stood in front of your bedroom door, his eyes staring at the empty bed.

"I really like Madrid." You confessed, head resting onto his naked chest. Jude twitched uncomfortably, removing his arm away from your shoulder.

"That is good, I am glad."

You stared at him, not sure what you have said so wrong to give you a fake smile as he stared at the ceiling, falling into his own abyss. You tapped his shoulder, "I am not saying I will move here right away. I know you really love your team and-" You brushed your hair, collecting your words together as your throat burned in embarrassment; wondering if you were not welcomed by your own person in the whole city to not want you as much as you want him. "I also know we do not know what our future holds but I just like Madrid with you, Jude."

He laid on the bed staring at the dumb glowing stickers you bought from England. It never glowed, you believed wholeheartedly that it will.

Jude chuckled as his tears rolled down on the bedsheets, before he could choke his feelings out in pain. There was a knock in the main door. "Sir, you have to leave soon. Renters are about to come and check the place out. Thank you." The security guard screamed through the door; not wanting to invade the privacy of a superstar.

He laughed in his own misery, he cannot even drown in his own sadness. Jude got up from your bed, exiting the room with the box in his arm. He stood once again in the living room where he left you crying. Jude wondered if England is treating you better than Madrid ever did.

"So you did have feeling for her?" You asked, wanting to hear his answer properly instead Jude does what he does best; beating around the bushes with you.

"Babe, I am just saying it was eaiser to talk to her about football and the stress here." He tried explaining, leaning to grab your hand but you whipped away from his grip.

You chuckled dryly, "If that was the case, I could just fall in love with hundreds of exchange students here but I did not." You said calmly. Enough on the screaming, enough on the wanting to understand his side. Enough.

"I do not just love you, Jude. I respect our relationship but you did not even find a little respect for our relationship in yourself to come clean with me." You pointed onto his chest.

"I never said I have feelings for her." He explained.

"You chose to go to her while I waited hours for you to show up at my fucking door." You stared at him, "I cannot look at you please, just leave."

Jude wondered if he loved you more when you were present in this apartment. Jude wondered if he fought for you harder in this apartment you called home.

"Hey, it's jude . . I don't know if you still use this number. I just- like I wanted to know if you are okay there. It is home right?" Jude said, trying to form words. At that point, he did not even know who he was talking to.

Maybe a stranger or maybe you.

"I know I am late and you probably hate me more than anything or anyone right now. God, I do not know what I am saying to you." He chuckled. Jude was sitting on those peach stairs, voicemailing you.

"That night, I left and I should not have left you. I should have stood there and apologize till sunrise. I should have done more. But, there is nobody I would love more than you. I am sorry, baby . . I am so sorry I should have said I like Madrid with you in it. I like our home with you in it ."

࿐ ˚ . ✦ GOING AWAY. jude bellingham

summary. going away to uni wasn't as unforeseen as you thought it'd be.

cw. angst, friends-to-lovers

wc. 848

today was one of those bittersweet days. like, the last day of summer, or the last footsteps before moving houses. you’d been experiencing just that on your last day before leaving the country for school, alongside your best friend, jude.

you had no real family. for the longest time, it’d just been you two. it was complicated at home, and being around him was an escape. he made you feel numb. whenever something happened, you’d be at his window in an instant, ready to vent on his bedroom floor while he just sat and listened.

rain tapped the windshield, and you were snug in the passenger seat of his car. something on your shared playlist had been playing at twenty-something percent. this bit felt a little déjà vu-ish. but, in a good way.

“today was fun,” you blurted mid-conversation, shifting your gaze from the road to the boy next to you, behind the steering wheel. 

“i’m gonna miss this a lot, y’know.”

he hummed. his giggles from a few seconds ago quickly faded. 

you quickly realized your faults, mentioning the topic that’d been so thorny but, at the same time, imminent. it was hard to not bring it up, though. going the entire day trying to ignore it was hell. and as much as you wanted to seize the moment, time doesn’t stop.

“yeah,” he replied, quickly coughing away the tremble in his voice.

“since when did my best friend become so grown?”

you chuckled, shaking your head as you turned away to peek out of your side of the window.

“this could’ve been you too, jude. just quit football and stay with me,” you suggested, already mindful of his response.

he chuckled a bit. “or, you could just come and live with me while i work. i wouldn’t mind.”

you grinned, watching the rain as it trickled down the glass. as much as it sounded fun to never have to work or pay bills, you didn’t want your ‘independent’ persona taken away from you. maybe he just asked this question as a test to see if you’d say yes. not today, jude.

“mmm, no,” you responded. 

“let me enjoy my little parties and hookups. i don’t wanna be all professional like you at nineteen.”

he snickered, “you mean you're gonna be in your room studying all day?”

“shut up,” you rolled your eyes, watching as he turned into the airport entrance, the moment you’d been dreading all day.

opening your door as he parked, you ushered toward the trunk, quickly grabbing your luggage so the rain wouldn’t hit you so badly. 

“let me grab this,” he insisted, hovering over the bulkier bags.

your heart began to race, and your breathing was a little heavier as you paced toward the automatic doors of the entry. 

now, you two are face to face. and this is really the last time you'll be seeing him, or at least being in his embrace for a while.

“well,”

“this is it, isn’t it?” he muttered.

tears quickly welt up in your eyes, threatening to spill at any moment. the rain, harder than before, left the both of you drenched.

“yeah,” your voice cracked. the boy in front of you, who usually appeared stoic, appeared a bit antsy as he rocked in place.

“promise me you won’t do anything dumb without me there,” he pleads, a trace of uneasiness in his voice as he stares you down.

“mm, no promises,” you replied.

he clicked his tongue, silently berating you for your foreseen actions.

“i’m just kidding. i’ll be on my best behavior,” you reassured him, shooting him a smile.

“come here,” he prompted, extending his arms for a final hug.

eagerly, you slipped into his chest. his arms are tight around your waist, and you have to tip-toe up a little to reach his height. there’s no other feeling quite like this, but knowing it’s your last for a while, tears tumbled from your eyes.

your heels plopped to the floor and at this point, your faces are inches from each other—his cold breath trickling over your cheek. at once, his lips laced into yours. his hand instinctively pressed against your cheek and stayed there quite comfy. while it caught you off guard, it felt, in a sense, innate. his lips were sweet, and he kissed tenderly. his lips also tasted a little minty, and you realized he’d finally been using the chapstick you recommended to him months ago.

you pulled away slowly, whimpering as your lips left his. he seemed distraught, or maybe mesmerized by the kiss? there was a tinge of your gloss that lingered throughout his lips, which you thought was cute.

“i should get going now,” you muttered. “my flight is gonna board soon.”

“uhh, right,” he replied, your words bringing him back to reality.

“make sure to text me when you land, okay?”

“mhm.” 

“don’t miss me too much,” you smiled before walking into the building.

as you took a final look back at him, he waved at you with sanguine eyes as he disappeared into the rain.

an: so so sorry for the long wait. expect another fic really soon