Lost Without You - Tumblr Posts
I dreamed this morning that you told me you were seeing someone. I woke up with sobs caught in my throat.
I guess I have more work to do on letting go.
I come here every week now, jabbing at a wound that just will not heal.
I set an alert today, to tell me when the 3 months you asked for has gone by. I never knew 3 months could be so long.
My heart is missing you in this moment, I feel it in my chest moving up my throat and settling between my eyes.
Your mother is home from the hospital.
You've told me again unsolicited again that you want to be alone.
Jesus Christ you're like a meme.
And still I'm missing you today.
Why is my heart hurting so badly today?
Why do I feel such strong urge to reach out to you?
I want to hear you I want to hear you say you love me I want my chest to burst forth with everything I feel and I want
To
Reject
You
With my mouth.
Your bike is gone from the garage, and I don't know when that happened.
I'm at the theater where we had dinner so many times, trying not to think about it, trying to forget about you, but here and now I'm on my first paying gig and I want you to be proud of me (you would be proud of me) and I never want to see you again.
I want you to disappear and know how good you taught me to be.
It's not over for me and it will never be over for me, I can stand stone silent wishing with all my might that it cuts you to the bone, yet I am the one who dreams of you every night relentlessly plumbing my psyche till I wake up aching and gasping to go back and read your last texts again just to reassure myself that I am in the right.
And can you tell me it was worth it?
I dreamed of you again. I dream of you almost every day.
I dreamed that we were fighting zombies on a devastated college campus. I dreamed the was a fight between us. There was another woman. I saw, I knew. I left.
I dreamed that I was given the chance to go back. Before. Before everything went wrong. I dreamed that I was given the chance to prevent your betrayal.
So I did.
I took a walk with Mouthy today. That Mouthy, he's so ghetto, he's so thug.
He said "damn girl I'm glad to see you haint lost that big ol' white girl booty"
He said "you gotta man girl? Cuz if you do, he in T R O U B L E"
And I said "Nah. I did, but he wanted something different out of life"
And I thought Mouthy was going to say "that's too bad" or "his loss" or something like that.
But Mouthy looked at me and said
"And what do you want out of life?"
I cried today, the first time in a while.
Driving to the mall, listening to Trampled by Turtles (Alone) and suddenly my throat is thick and my eyes are welling with tears and your name is sitting right above my vocal chords like an ugly unhatched egg.
I changed the radio to a Dire Straights station and went on with my business.
I want to say something.
I feel like I should say something.
But there's nothing really to say.
I woke up from a dream about you, haven't had those in months.
Maybe I should have had something to say yesterday after all.
Stop haunting my dreams damn it, he was supposed to have fucked you out from under my skin