Mentally Disabled Student - Tumblr Posts

Do you ever stop and let your soul bleed to accept the painful reality of your life?

I do not rest on weekends. I fight tooth and nail in my brain to complete tasks with just as much misery in the day as a weekday without classes.

I would like to wake up on the weekends, and the weekdays with just as much enthusiasm as I did when I was ten on a weekend morning, flying out of bed at 6, 7am on the dot to play video games and know that I get to rest and enjoy myself today.

The breath of relief to get a long weekend or a week or more break, knowing I just gotta get through one more week, a few more days, and I'll get a chance to catch my breath. I slowly watched as that breath of relief had to be something I actively told myself to feel, to "no difference to me".

Days off and days on are different sets of demands I bleed for and yet fail almost every time all the same. A different set of requirements I cannot complete and feel shame and guilt in my soul every waking moment.

I hate holidays because I cannot even make the everyday demands for myself, how am I to cook and buy presents and wrap presents or make presents in a timely manner that doesn't make me feel guilty or shame?

The truth, no matter how much I smile for hours a day and I'm always happy to help and be with others, even if I no longer hate myself, is that I am miserable. My life is miserable.

I fill every crack and crease and miserableness with hope and trying, trying to change and with some thought that if I just learn enough I will find the magic alchemy formula for my life and I will be more okay than I am now. I am more okay than I was before, after all. At every chance I cover it in a paint of "fun time with friends" but the paint always chips off.

Life is good and fun, and I will try for life to be like that as much as I can. But right now at least, for the moment at least, I'll allow my heart rest a moment to weep for the pervasive misery of the weight I carry.

When someone says they can't do something,

When I say I'm struggling to complete a task

Please don't say

Just try (I am)

Do it for me (oo yay more pressure and guilt and hurting our relationship)

This is really important (I know that's why I'm dieing)

Take baby steps (WHAT do you want from me?)

It needs to get done (yeah, you think I haven't noticed?)

Why haven't you done this? (Any confrontation to defend and explain my lack of actions is 👎)

Do say

Hey lovingly what's getting in the way for you doing this? (Is not on trial for my mental struggles. Someone who cares and wants to actually help me)

Would it help if I came over and helped you with the task? (Socialization makes tasks easier. Let me decide what I want your help to look like)

I know this task is hard for you so what if after we go do something fun/reward/treat (offer choice. Offer some sort of help with the actual task, reward without ability to do gain it means nothing to me)

What do you need to make this easier? (More likely to get an honest answer about what I need vs what I feel is the least inconvenient way for you to try and help me)

Not my Pathological Demand Avoidance being picky and vengeful of every well meaning yet somehow personally offensive and unhelpful attempt of others to be supportive and helpful.

Trying to treat the ADHD without treating the PDA has been a fruitless attempt my whole life so far.

I love that people want to be supportive but also evokes my rage which I hide well.

I'm sorry if it sounds picky. That's why I posted it on the internet.

PDA means the pressure and demands of everyday life are too much for me and having control or choice makes me more free of the crippling anxiety tasks and demands like showering, eating, AND going to classes invoke.

ADHD makes completing the task, starting the task, and focusing/doing the task hard. PDA makes starting tasks 150% harder with a crippling barrier of anxiety between me and the task.

it’s pretty simple

when someone can’t speak, 

you don’t say:

just try

do it for me

just speak to *me*

i won’t tell anyone

just this once

if you really care, you’ll speak

do you hate me then?

you say:

that’s okay, you don’t have to. 

roses for the people who have made me feel safe in mute-situations. 🌹🌹