My Mad Fat Diary - Tumblr Posts
“You can’t spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you, and you have to start by not rejecting yourself. You don’t deserve it. From now on, people can either accept you for who you are or they can fuck off.”
—
““That’s the thing about loneliness, it creeps and it grows inside you like a deep silence””
— - Rae Earl, My Mad Fat Diary
Maybe Rae didn’t mean it, but what if she was right? What if I didn’t deserve someone like Finn? What if I didn’t deserve someone good?
“But everyone’s crazy. Everyone has to struggle and fight. They just haven’t realized it. At least you have.”
— My Mad Fat Diary
I want you to imagine a ten year old version of yourself sitting right there on this couch. Now this is the little girl who first believed that she was fat, and ugly, and an embarrassment.
Zodiac incense sticks.
I feel unsteady, like my mind.
Rosé wine is sweet with such a pretty color. Every night there's a glass of it on the table accompanying me while I'm taking a bath. I've definitely got everything I need at night. Jeff Buckley's voice soothes me deeply, helping me to relax my body in the warm water. As a matter of fact, when I'm at this time of the day I don't think of anything at all, really. So even now I close my eyes and start dreaming.
My baby boy has come to me, opening up to me and confessing every single problem he has to me.
I'm waiting for him with my arms wide open. He lays his head on my breast and starts silently whimpering.
I just love it when he cries in my arms. I love it when he is vulnerable in front of my eyes, in my presence. Because, it's me he seeks help from. And I am always here to give it to him. What can a woman do when her man comes back home destryoed from the army?
I don't cook for him. In truth, I don't even know how to properly cook. That's a long story for another day.
Without him having gotten in our neighborhood, I just feel his presence. I immediately get out of the hosue and wait for him at my frontyard. I look at his car from afar. I listen to the sound of his car and just that brings shivers to the back of my neck. He sees me waiting for him and impatiently speeds up his pace.
Oh, how much he has changed.
He stops his car in front of me and rapidly gets out of the car. He comes up to me and looks down at me. I study his face and his body. I inhale his musty, masculine perfume. What a bliss that brings into my belly. I instantly got the heebie jeebies.
Looking up at him I notice that he's got tears in his eyes. All my nervousness disappears and I wrap my hands around his body.
I could never get tried of his affection. Or of his beautiful voice. Or of his body. Of anything really.
This is never over.
Thank you for reading this. I'm really grateful of my inspiration that always comes from Jeff Buckley, Jim Morrison, Nirvana or Aerosmith. It is really hard to write sometimes because I've had too many ideas lately and I didn't really have the guts to organze them. But, I tried nonetheless.
hope you enjoyed this!!!!
K.M.
“Start by NOT rejecting yourself. You don’t deserve it.” Well said.
- I used to be brave. - And what happened ? - The World happened.
Rae Earl & Kester
“LOVE is when you look into someone’s eyes, then knowing that you’re home. Because you see everything you want, you need, and you miss there." - Anonymous
You can spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you. You have to start by not rejecting yourself. You don’t deserve it.
Rae (via brooklyn-babys)