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When Life Gives You Lemons | Jaehyun.
Part 1
Genre: Fiction. Word Count: 1.4k
Summary: sometimes moving forward in life, means going backwards and for you this means going back home, to remember.
— Time is just a construct. Outside of that, there is Love. Home is created within the Present. And where there is love, there is your Presence. Where there’s home, there’s you. 𖦹
It’s been 7 years.
The dirt roads have turned to asphalt, the grass to concrete. Farmland has become corporate, and your once quiet neighborhood is thriving with new homes and ongoing construction.
The ground is covered with autumn leaves and a sudden breeze begins, flowing your hair past your shoulders as you walk along a pathway that was once a foot-worn trail to your childhood home. Looking down, to your surprise, the pavement is surrounded by dandelions you spent your early days blowing in the wind. They seem to have managed their escape above the layer of the newborn city, blooming proudly while still deeply rooted in the soil.
-
You never thought you’d be away for this long, but you also never imagined to return after all of this time.
“Expect the unexpected,” is something your father always whispered. Not to mention the memory of your mother always adding, “you’ll understand when you’re older,” at the end of the majority of his sentences during much of his storytelling. Both now, you seek to be true for the first time by the presence of your absence.
You walk up three steps, lifting your heavy luggage behind you, rolling it with you until you’re standing in front of the old familiar door. The porch is crowded with plants that will have to be moved inside soon and wind chimes that cling in the wind. The scene immediately hits you with nostalgia and you take a deep breath recalling everything. You surely missed this place.
The truth is, things weren’t working out anymore in the city you had moved to. It never quite felt like home. And you couldn’t imagine a future there like you were able to before.
The cost of living was incredibly unaffordable alone and what once seemed easy became a struggle in routine. There were plenty of financial opportunities, but overall the odds were against you in many other ways. And it was clear that it was time to move on. So, you called it quits and came back home.
Even though your early career had given you so much experience and taught you independence, it just wasn’t what you thought it would be, which is okay because everything serves its time. Over the years it’s just made you realize the type of life you don’t want to live, so that you may find the life you do want to live.
With the undying support of your family, you’re sure to find your way. While knowing everything happens for a much deeper reason, you look forward to exactly that to keep you going.
-
And of course you’ve thought about him in the midst of it all. When haven’t you? Well, maybe when you slipped into moments where you felt you should face reality and move on, but you could never help the lingering feelings and random dreams of what could’ve been. At some point you stopped fighting the feelings and accepted that you’ll always have love for him even if you couldn’t be in love with him. Somehow that calmed the spawning thoughts of him to be less likely.
Still, there was something there.
You can’t deny that when the plane landed earlier today, that he was your first thought. Imagining all of the old times. For a while it was his presence you had always wondered about, even mentioning him a few times over the phone to your mother just to reminisce. You wondered what he looks like now, how he sounds, if he’s handling this adult life as well as some people? If he has thoughts of you? How tall? Is he a good person? Does he have a family by now or is perhaps married? Is he healthy? Your thoughts would trail on until they didn’t.
Just as the city you had moved to didn’t quite feel like home, neither did any of the other relationships that you had throughout the years. It always felt like a part of you was missing. Yes, you could easily pinpoint what or rather who it was. Also yes, puppy love may not compare to a more mature relationship as an adult, but love is a raw feeling of certainty that when you know you know, yet you never knew with the others who swore they loved you.
You were so much in your head at this moment that you hadn’t even thought that maybe he could’ve moved away, and that struck a painful chord in your heart that you stopped yourself from subconsciously stringing.
While anything is possible, no matter what, life has happened, and will continue with or without you. You know you’ll have to be mature about the unexpected. And you’re sure you’ll understand it more now since you’re older.
You just wondered all of these things about Jaehyun, all of the time, your first everything. You never wanted to forget.
-
The hiding in the woods during holiday gatherings, and sneaking kisses behind the trees. Going down to the lake every summer with friends who knew you two were much more than just friends. Listening to each other ramble on about your day, cuddling as close as you possibly could.
Making out at the drive-ins not even remembering what movie you went to see. Him making love to you in the backseat of his new vintage car the night of his birthday, almost having a pregnancy scare some time after that.
Him coming over to help pick ripe fruits with you and your mother. The lemon tree was his favorite because he’d always say you reminded him of a lemon and you’d just laugh at him. He compared you to the fruit in terms of you being sweet or sour to him. You’d argue that lemons are always sour, but he would remind you of how sweet lemons can be by kissing you after eating a slice of your mother’s lemon cake.
-
And some things you didn’t mind forgetting.
Does he hate me? Is he still hurt? Does he have regrets?
Your father recognizing you wearing Jaehyun’s jackets, sweaters and cardigans around the winter time. Finding his letters to you in the mailbox mixed in with the bills. He was alright with that because you were happy.
Everything was fine until your parents began spotting the lovebites around your neck. You started staying out later than usual and started being more “secretive,” which you called, “privacy.”
Ironically, when you had your pregnancy scare, it was your dad who comforted you. Your mother too, but she had you young so she was caught in between support and lecturing.
Before you knew it, one day you were sitting at the dinner table having to choose between opening your college acceptance letter or Jaehyun’s letter which hurt you the most. Why couldn’t it have been both? It’s obvious what was chosen. So you went to school and lived with your grandmother for a bit before renting an apartment. Fell in love and got your heart broken, spiraling downwards even more with a job you began to dislike.
After awhile you had another choice, but to keep it simple the only option was home. The relationship between you and your parents had always been a good one and you knew your parents cared about your future, but they also knew how important Jaehyun was to you, especially your mom and you felt like he was thrown away.
There hadn’t been much communication after the day you left. You wanted to make your parents proud, so you stopped answering his calls convincing yourself that it was just young silly love that will never mean anything more than what it was.
-
It’s been 7 years since you were standing in this exact spot at 17, with tears streaming down your face as the 18 year old boy you loved so dearly hugged you tightly like it was the last time he’d be seeing you, because it was.
And just like that, you’re 24. A lot can change within a few years, that’s for sure. But one thing that has always remained the same is that special place that he has, sheltered in your heart. It didn’t matter how much time had passed. It didn’t feel like it had been that long in the first place.
Something so pure like that lives forever only in memory.
First loves and first times never fade.
And you’re completely okay with his name being written upon your heart always, especially if it means you get to carry endless love from the happiness he gave you, for the rest of your life, wherever you may go.
Authors Note: Hi I have decided to turn this into a mini series/book? LOL because I am impatient #tooexcited. I will update when I can, but I am obviously in the Jaehyun trenches. If you would like to be tagged for updates I will make a tag list :)
Tag List: @bluedbliss
I hope you enjoyed! Feedback is deeply appreciated, with love @hisunflower ❀
Check out my other fics here.