Needed To Get This Out - Tumblr Posts

I'm going through one of those phases where I'm feeling the overwhelming desire to be needed by someone. Some days I wake up wanting anyone and everyone to talk to me, others I want to slip into the shadows and communicate only through simple nods or lack thereof.

Regardless, everyday I find myself waking up; wishing someone had held me until I fell asleep the previous nightfall. Wishing someone had held me close enough to hear their heartbeat, steady and sure until my eyelids were too heavy, and my consciousness was pulled into the undertow we call sleep.

I hold this desire with great embarrassment and shame, for since I was just a young girl my mother raised me to be independent and content with who I am and the potential of all I can be. I have always considered myself a free spirit, albeit I'm a lot more self conscious than my would-be counterparts from Green Gables and Concord Massachusetts. In reflection I find that we may be more similar than I thought.

I've been content with being alone for so long that I never realized how much I need someone to just hold me until I fall asleep. In elementary school I was and in some sense still am what many of us are too familiar as the social butterfly. Flitting, floating, and never landing for too long so we don't get caught. There's an infinite number of examples so I wont bore with listing them. It is safe enough to say that we overextend ourselves so as to not be forgotten, so we are always needed, always useful, always wanted around until we're not, and have to find another purpose for the narrative again.

We never just be for the sake of being. Always moving and busy never slowing for the quicksand of time. Moving too slowly to be forgotten in an anecdote 3 years down to the road but moving too quickly to be remembered in a truly meaningful way or bond.

Relationships and romantic relationships especially have always puzzled me that way. I considered it only despotical to show affection and give your heart away and in exchange for heartbreak and all emotions that accompany it. Frivolous and costly, with a constant state of calculating the risks of emotion.

Like poker one could say! Bluffing, raising the stakes, going all in, folding, and realizing that sometimes its just the cards you've been dealt that will decide the outcome of your game. Most importantly to me, knowing when to cut your losses and walk away. Much like poker indeed.

In spite of all this, I want to be loved. In the all consuming way, one that leaves no question as to whether it's true or not or whether you'll remember it at the next new years eve party. Someone who I can cry and yell and scream my heart out with the darkest parts of my soul and still be treated as who I am rather than a piece of glass that will shatter at any second. Believe me, I am my own bull in the china shop, and much like icarus I too do not know when is too close to the sun. Someone who will call me out when I become too prideful to admit help, and sing with me in the car to 80's love songs I definitely don't know all the words to. Laying in the rain, poorly dancing in grocery aisles, talking through movie nights and accidentally swapping sugar for salt in midnight baking escapades because someone definitely wasn't paying attention to the measurements. Attempting to eat them and being too disgusted so someone starts over while the other watches adoringly from the sink where they do dishes.

Trial and error. But always honest.

I'd never demand complete perfection when it comes to love in a realistic lens, but the hopeless romantic that i locked way years ago screams frantically at the thought of even 7% perfection. It claws and tears at my throat until I can't bear to speak and when I see the most random things I feel this sudden pang of an overwhelming feeling of homesickness for a person I may never meet in this lifetime.

I have no clue if anyone else feels this way, nor can I properly articulate and verbalize without 'ums' and 'likes'. I await for the day where I can be understood without needing utter a word, the day where I can finally fall asleep in someone's arms for the sake of being needed, solely for the sake of being needed. If not, then simply for the comfort of which the sound of my own heartbeat can provide.

I'm not a writer and never have claimed to be, I just needed to write this down and who better to talk to than all you lovely people. <3