Obi Wan Fanfic - Tumblr Posts
my tears ricochet
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Prompt - ‘And I can go anywhere I want, anywhere I want, just not home.’
Requsted - Yes - @fandomtrashwhore 🤎
You had been fighting in the Clone Wars for a long time now, in that time you had been mad, you had felt anger for all the men lost, all the civilians used and left without anything, you had felt rage at the helpless feeling, at how it seemed the war would never end. In the years of the Clone Wars you had felt a lot of emotions, intense and overwhelming ones, but never anything like this.
You were seething, it felt like white hot anger was running through your whole body, lighting you up, and you couldn’t let it show, not whilst you stood before the Council, not as you listened to them debate your future before you. They spoke freely, murmuring to each other about your actions, about attachments and your anger, how your path had become clouded with the Dark Side.
You wanted to laugh, you wanted to cry, you wanted to let the Force break out from where you were barely containing it and let it wreak havoc on the room as you stood there. You had pleaded with them, Force had you pleaded with them to hear you out but they weren’t listening. It was like their minds were already made up on the matter and they had just been waiting for you to mess up.
The worst part of this whole trial was that the one person you wanted to be on your side hadn’t even opened his mouth. Your eyes were locked onto Obi-Wan but he refused to look up at you, refused to meet your gaze and that might have hurt more than any punishment the Jedi Council could give you.
You and Obi-Wan had been close friends for years but with the war you had been partnered together, working closely side by side, fighting together and having each other's back every day.
It was no wonder you fell in love with the man.
You kept your feelings to yourself at first though because while you may not have cared much for certain ways of the Jedi, you knew Obi-Wan believed in the ways and you never wanted to put him in a position where he would have to choose between you or the Jedi, not when you knew you wouldn’t stand a chance against the Order.
That was until you had been captured and tortured, you couldn’t have said at the time just how long you’d been gone for, to you it had felt like years but Obi-Wan had told you, with tear filled eyes, that you’d be gone for a number of weeks.
When Obi-Wan had come for you all you could do was collapse into his arms, not helping him as he led you back to the ship and barely remembering him getting you to the medbay. The next time you opened your eyes the pain had lessened and Obi-Wan was sitting at your side, his hand in yours and that feeling, the feeling of his thumb brushing softly against you was enough to erase any remaining pain away.
It was a long journey back to Coruscant and you were only stuck in the medbay for the night before you received the all clear from the medical droid with orders to rest for a few days. Despite the clearance Obi-Wan insisted you share his room on the ship with him so he could watch over you.
You had hardly protested, unwilling to give up a night or two sharing a bed with Obi-Wan. In those two days everything between you seemed to shift, the whispered words in the middle of the night, Obi-Wan holding you close whilst he murmured how brave you were, the overwhelming fear he’d felt when he lost you.
Obi-Wan knew he could no longer deny his feelings for you, he’d always known but he tried desperately to shove them down, to ignore it because that was the Jedi way. Attachments were forbidden but with you gone he realised that was too late, he was already attached to you. He couldn’t stop himself, not when you looked up at him, looking at him like he was the only person in the galaxy.
He cupped your cheek and brushed his lips against yours, softly at first to give you a chance to pull away but it didn’t take long for the kiss to turn hungry and desperate, both of you making up for lost time as you clung to each other.
When you eventually pulled away Obi-Wan had tried to apologise, stammering out an explanation but for as legendary as he was with his words this time he could come up with nothing to say.
Whatever stuttered words Obi-Wan had managed to get out were cut off by you shushing him with another kiss before you both pulled away, Obi-Wan leaning his forehead against yours as he looked at you in wonderment.
Somehow you had been able to convince Obi-Wan that this was a good idea, whatever relationship came from these kisses would be good. You could both keep it away from the Council, keep it just yours and make sure it didn’t interfere with your jobs. Obi-Wan had nodded along with your words and let the relationship continue.
That had all been just over a year ago and now you were standing before him as the other Master’s held the fate of your future in their hands. You hardly recognised the man, not right now when he wouldn’t even meet your eyes.
He was the whole reason the Council was debating anyway. They had given you an order, Obi-Wan had been sent on a solo mission with half of the 212th whilst you were needed in another battle with the remaining battalion.
Mid battle you felt a shift in the Force and it wasn’t long after one of the clones had told you they heard through the comms that Obi-Wan had been taken. You hadn’t even waited for him to finish speaking, taking one of the smaller ships and a small squadron you left the battle and the planet behind, uncaring that it was an important battle, uncaring that winning it would gain the Republic a key partner and planet in the war.
You didn’t care, the Separatists could have the planet, they could have all the towns they’d burnt down, the only thing that mattered to you was Obi-Wan.
It hadn’t taken long for the Council to find out you had abandoned your post and were heading towards Rigantu. They had immediately demanded your presence through the comms and you cleared the room before connecting with them.
“The Battle on Creanti is too important, Y/L/N. We cannot risk it staying in Separatists hands, we need that planet.” Master Windu told you like one might talk to a child.
“And what of Obi-Wan? What are your plans for him? I’m the closest person to Rigantu, you know that as well as I do!” You snapped, sick of going round in circles with the Council.
“Obi-Wan will be fine, you can rescue him after you have completed your mission on Creanti.” Master Windu stressed and you chuckled humorlessly, the last time you had spoken to Obi-Wan he looked terrible but assured you he could last until you arrived.
You had been taken and tortured so long ago and Obi-Wan hadn’t hesitated to come for you, you were going to do the same whether the Council approved or not.
“It could be too late after my mission, Master.” You hissed the word, your tone full of venom and you watched as Master Windu’s eyes narrowed at you before he and Master Yoda were sharing a look.
“Forbidden from going to Rigantu, you are.” Master Yoda said after a long pause of silence where the two Master’s held a silent conversation. “Go back to Creanti, you will.”
“You cannot stop me, Master.” You told them with a calmness you didn’t feel. “Punish me if you must but I’m not leaving him to die out there. Not Obi-Wan.”
With that you ended the comm call and made your way through the ship. It was only an hour long trip to reach Rigantu and you spent most of that time desperately trying to find even a sliver of Obi-Wan’s force signature but never did.
It was maddening.
Eventually you arrived on the planet and had the ship set down next to the palace. Through intercepting Separatist comms you had managed to find where Obi-Wan was being held.
You barked orders at the men, used the Force to cause so much destruction, walls were torn down, cliffs crumbled and you tossed droids around wildly, uncaring about anything other than getting Obi-Wan back.
Once you were in the palace you heard people gasping as you led a squadron through, not holding back as you marched ahead, making quick work of anyone who stood in your way.
From the room you knew Obi-Wan was being held in you could hear pained grunts and muffled sobs like he was trying not to give his torturer the satisfaction of knowing how badly he was being hurt but couldn’t stop the noises when the pain was too much.
You strode down the hallway, taking out the droids in a matter of seconds before your lightsaber pierced through the locked door and you cut a circle into the metal, stepping through the second the door fell to the floor.
The person torturing Obi-Wan looked like a doctor, a few Separatist leaders in the room but you didn’t spare them much of a look. You just wielded the Force until it felt like something you had never felt, whereas the Force was usually Light and easy to manipulate this time it felt heavy and Dark.
You didn’t care though, not when it had Obi-Wan’s torturers falling to their knees, choking for air as an invisible Force cut off their air supply. You kept moving even as you clenched your fist, making your way over to Obi-Wan and gasping at the sight of him.
He was black and blue with bruises, burns covering the skin you could see cuts littered on him. That was the final push you needed to clench your fist harder, hearing the collective struggles come to a stop.
“I’ve got you.” You murmured, quickly undoing his shackles and gesturing for the men to help you lift him.
It took a while to get to the ship, Obi-Wan was dead weight at that point but that didn’t matter, he was still breathing even if they were shallow.
You could see Obi-Wan’s ship and made your way over to that, knowing there were med droids on board that you needed to get Obi-Wan to.
From there everything had been a blur, Obi-Wan was unconscious the whole journey back to the Temple but the med droid assured you he was stable, you were ripped away from him the moment your ship landed. Masters Windu and Yoda were waiting for you and told you that you were to stay in your quarters until they called you before the Council.
The days drove you mad, nobody would tell you anything, droids brought you meals and you weren’t allowed to see anyone. You were scared for Obi-Wan, all you wanted to know that he was ok.
The next time you saw him was when the Jedi Council convened and called you before them, which brought you to now. Obi-Wan looked better than he had the last time you had seen him, from what little you could see with the robe covering so much and his refusal to meet your eye.
Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Master Yoda cleared his voice and the room went silent. You could only look at him as you waited for the verdict.
“Punished, you will be.” Master Yoda said after a pause of silence, “To be expelled from the Jedi Order, you are.”
The words had barely left his mouth before you let out a slightly maniacal laugh, his words ringing in your ears as you stared down at him, shaking your head in disbelief.
“You’re throwing me out? I saved Obi-Wan’s life, you saw him, he wouldn’t have lasted as long as you wanted to wait! I saved him and you’re punishing me for it!” You exclaimed, jutting your chin out as Master Windu levelled you a cold hard look, one that would usually have you falling silent and complying with whatever order you’d been given but you figured there was little you could do to change their minds so what did you have to lose. “Surely you can see how ridiculous this is. We’re fighting a war, we need all the help we can get!”
“Trusted, you no longer are. Go, you will.” Master Yoda told you and you shook your head again.
You could have just walked away, the decision was made and you knew once the Council had decided on a matter that was it, really you should have left with grace and your dignity but you didn’t care for that.
There was only one thing you cared about and he was keeping his mouth firmly shut.
“You’re not even going to speak in my favour,” You laughed bitterly, finally addressing the man you loved, the man you were getting thrown out of the Order for. “I saved your life and you won’t say a word.”
Obi-Wan finally glanced up at you, a guilty, broken look on his face. He opened his mouth as if to say something but was cut off by Master Yoda clearing his throat causing Obi-Wan to look down. When you glanced over at Master Yoda you saw the mistrusting look on his face but it was gone just as quick as he turned to you and gestured towards the door.
“I have given my life to this Order!” You exclaimed, the rage you felt was unbearable, it felt like it was burning you from the inside out. “I followed your commands and played by your foolish rules for years and this is what I get! If this is the future then I sure as hell am not rooting for your success against the Separatists, you’re all as bad as each other.”
With that you turned on your heels, using the Force that was bubbling with anger to slam the doors open, the sound echoing around the chambers, before you stormed out with your head held high.
You went back to your rooms, the second the door slammed shut behind you, you let the rage explode, the Force spreading across the room just as Dark and angry as you felt and destroying everything around you. Everything that could break shattered, furniture, books, pictures, everything went flying leaving the room a mess and all you could do was scream, scream for the man that you loved more dearly than anything but who clearly didn’t love you back as much.
You don’t know how long you stayed there for, eventually falling to your knees but at some point you managed to pick yourself up off of the floor and packed a small bag. You didn’t know where you’d go, some outer rim planet perhaps, where you could lay low and decide what your next move was but you knew you had to be away from Coruscant.
So that’s what you did, you found a ship to a sleazy outer rim planet you had never even heard the name of and left Coruscant behind, looking out of the window and cursing the Order, cursing the man who hadn’t fought for you.
As you sat on the shuttle you felt a tear slide down your face but quickly wiped it away. Tears wouldn’t solve anything and you refused to cry over any of them, not when you had given your life to them and this is how you were repaid.
Your new life was…lonely. It was the only word for it but it was easy to turn that loneliness into pain and anger and feed the Darkness inside of you. Ever since the day you’d rescued Obi-Wan using means that weren’t Light you had grown obsessed with feeling the hum of the Dark Side, the anger you felt at the Order only made it easier to call upon the Darkness until you were wrapped around in it with no way out.
Even with this newfound Darkness growing inside you, dragging you further in with each new day, you could never shake your love for Obi-Wan. You’d tried to, Force knows it would have been easier if you could, but you’d never been able to turn your feelings for Obi-Wan off.
You still had plenty of old contacts, most still willing to talk to you as it seemed the Jedi Order were covering the fact you had been expelled, rumour has it they had told people you were on a top secret mission. You couldn’t help but laugh at that, they threw you out without a second thought but they were more than happy to cover up to make themselves look like the heroes.
Speaking of heroes, according to your contacts Obi-Wan was still playing the same unshakeable hero that everyone knew, still flying around the galaxy as he did whatever the Council asked of him. Here you were on some nowhere planet, life ruined and Obi-Wan was saving face so he could still be Jedi Master Kenobi.
You might still have loved the man but Force if it didn’t make you angry thinking about how Obi-Wan had refused to even stand up for you. The worst thing was you knew that if the situation was different, if it had been Obi-Wan stood up there alone and expelled from the Order, you knew you’d have stood from your chair and walked out with him. You’d have done that for him and he hadn’t even been able to look at you.
The anger you felt just continued to feed the Dark Side, before you knew it when you looked into the mirror you were staring at eyes you didn't recognise, they were yellow and angry.
This is what the Council had done to you.
Obi-Wan felt like he was losing his mind. He might have played the perfect soldier, continuing to go wherever the Jedi sent him, continuing to fight and win battles before readying himself for the next mission. He might have looked like the same person everyone had known before you left but he wasn’t.
He was constantly running on too little sleep. Whenever he did manage to drift off it wasn’t ever long before he woke with your name on his lips, dreams of you alone somewhere in the galaxy, dreams of you telling him how much you hated him. His waking hours weren’t much better, you seemed to be everywhere, he couldn’t escape you. He’d look out into a crowd and see your face in it, he could hear you whispering, taunting him as he did what was expected of him.
You truly were haunting his every waking and sleeping moment. He walked around with the weight of his regret on his shoulders every day, wishing things were different, wishing you had stayed, wishing he had gone with you.
He just wished everything was different.
It was a big galaxy, you could go anywhere you wanted now you were no longer a part of the Jedi Order. You had long since left that small planet and moved on to the next and when you tired of that you moved on. You could go wherever you wanted and yet you couldn’t go to the one place you wanted to be most: home.
You wanted to go home.
Not to Coruscant or the Temple, though that is where you have been since you were a child. No, home to you was wherever Obi-Wan was, it didn’t matter if it was some occupied Separatist planet or the Negotiator, wherever he was it always felt like home. It was the one place you wanted to be more than anything.
Now you were alone in the galaxy, moving from planet to planet with nothing but your anger keeping you going.
Obi-Wan couldn’t believe what he was hearing, standing before Master Yoda and Master Windu, both of their expressions deadly serious.
“I will not kill her.” Obi-Wan finally choked out, shaking his head in utter disbelief at what they were asking of him. “You cannot ask me to do that, Master. I won’t, despite all that has happened she is still my oldest and dearest friend.”
That’s not all you were of course, to Obi-Wan you were still his whole world, he still loved you more dearly than he had ever thought possible. He had his loyalties to the Order though, the Order he had sworn his very life to. He never wanted to have to choose between you or the Order, desperately believing he could keep the two apart but he should have known better really.
“The girl you knew is long gone, Obi-Wan. Our sources assure us she has fallen to the Dark Side and we need to stop her. We can’t have more Sith when we’re already struggling to fight this war.” Master Windu said coldly, showing no sympathy for Obi-Wan.
“Questioned, your loyalties are. Whispers of your attachments, there are.” Master Yoda said. “The Jedi Master you are, prove to us.”
“You question my loyalties? I let her go, did I not? Surely there is another way to prove myself, I cannot kill Y/N.” Obi-Wan pleaded, feeling his world giving out around him.
“Obi-Wan, we will not ask again.” Master Windu said as he pressed a chip into Obi-Wan’s hands. “This is where she is, go to her, do your mission and return to us. This is the only way to ensure victory for the Republic.”
Obi-Wan let out a shaky sigh, taking the chip from the other Jedi and turning to leave the room, missing the look shared between Masters Yoda and Windu.
By the time Obi-Wan found you you were already waiting for him, lightsaber in your hand but not yet lit. Obi-Wan made his way over to you with heavy feet before he stopped across from you.
From here he could see it was true, you really turned to the Dark Side, the Sith yellow eyes made him shudder as he recalled your Y/E/C eyes looking up into his, looking at him with such warmth that was missing now.
“They sent you to kill me.” You said by way of greeting and Obi-Wan nearly recoiled at the coldness in your tone.
“Stop this.” He pleaded with you, desperate for you to listen to him. “It doesn’t have to end this way, let me help you.”
“Help me?” You laughed darkly, the two of you know slowly walking in a circle around each other. “You had your chance to help me, Obi-Wan, all those months back and instead you sat there in silence as they decided my fate. This is my fate, this is what they made me.”
You lit your lightsaber and swung for him, Obi-Wan’s lightsaber igniting and crashing into yours. You were strong but Obi-Wan was able to throw you off him, pushing you to the side so you had to roll to stand back up just as he took his first swing.
It went on like that for a few minutes, the two of you fighting each other, such a stark contrast to the way you used to fight side by side.
“You can kill me, Obi-Wan.” You told him, your tone softer than it had been moments before and you took the way Obi-Wan paused to get another blow in before continuing. “But you will always miss me. You can lie to them, you can lie to yourself but you never could lie to me.”
Both your lightsabers smacked into each other again, Obi-Wan gaining the advantage as he pushed you down, managing to use the Force to kick your legs out from beneath you as he sent you to the floor.
“Stop this!” He pleaded with you but you still held firm, knowing you were stuck but pushing your lightsaber up into his anyway.
“You know, you used to tell me I was brave for fighting for what I believed in? I believed in us, I fought for that but you didn’t.” You hissed, the heat of the lightsaber so close to your face and the effort of fighting Obi-Wan caused sweat to pool on your forehead.
“Did I deserve any of this? What did I do that was so terrible?” You asked him desperately, feeling how he shuddered at your words. “They threw me out because of you because I chose to save you! I couldn’t let you die, Obi-Wan!”
“Y/N, you knew the Jedi’s rules on attachment, we both promised we wouldn’t do anything to make them aware of our relationship.” Obi-Wan told you and you used the new wave of anger to shove him away from you, rolling out from under him and getting back to your feet, wasting no time in bringing your lightsaber down on him.
“But they’re not aware, are they?” You hissed out as your lightsabers continued hitting into each other. “Because whilst I got dragged through the flames you sat there and kept silent!”
“Do you truly think I didn’t fight for you?” Obi-Wan yelled as he brought his lightsaber down on you, again gaining the upper hand and forcing you down, trapping you between a boulder and his lightsaber. “Y/N I spent more time than I could count pleading and bargaining with them.”
“And yet you never told them you were as attached as I am.” You forced out, straining against the weight of Obi-Wan’s lightsaber as it came closer. “Did I deserve this, Obi-Wan, all the hell the Order gave me?”
“I’m sorry.” Obi-Wan whispered, you could feel him shaking from where he was pining you in place and you took a deep breath.
Even now, even with everything the Order was making him do you knew he wouldn’t leave. You knew you’d never have the man you loved back, not when he was so blindly loyal to the Jedi Order.
“I love you, Obi-Wan, I swear I love you.” You whispered before using the Force to turn your lightsaber off, Obi-Wan’s immediately falling forward into you and as you faded you heard his cry.
Obi-Wan fell to his knees, pulling your body onto his lap as he cried for you, he cried for the way your story had ended, he cried and cursed and screamed at the sky until he was too numb for anything else.
Somehow he managed to drag himself up, he picked your body up, refusing to leave you behind on some planet, you deserved better than that.
You deserved better than it all.
It was only a few days later Obi-Wan was wrapping a warm cloak around his shoulders, pulling the hood up and remembering how you had been the one to gift it to him. He made his way through the Temple with his head down, Anakin and Ahsoka were at the main entrance waiting for him and he didn’t speak as the three of them walked together.
The room was filled with people, some were crying, many were clinging to each other and Obi-Wan felt his own composure slip as tears he had tried holding back slid freely down his cheeks.
He couldn’t bring himself to walk to the front of the room where your body lay, he couldn’t do it, he had already seen your dead body enough to haunt him for a lifetime and it did. Every time he closed his eyes he saw you dead in his lap, every time he tried to sleep he awoke after less than an hour, a curse and your name on his lips as he dreamed of Sith eyes that used to be so bright, he dreamt about your last words, the love confession that he never got to return.
He swore some days he could hear you when he was awake, the words echoing in his head. Some days it felt like you were taunting him, like today he could practically hear you asking why he was at your wake when he was the one who killed you.
He tried blaming the Order at first, Masters Yoda and Windu had been the ones to give the order but he was the one who followed it. He tried to blame you for leaving, for letting your anger turn to Darkness but he knew you weren’t to blame. He regretted not walking out with you that day.
He was so full of pain, drunk on it and desperately wished it would end but it never would, this was his punishment, to live with this pain. He was a shell of the man he once was, nothing more than a ghost anymore because it may have been you who had died, killed by his own hands, but you might as well have killed him too because he had died on that planet right alongside you.
Obi-Wan had tried to forget you, he tried to bury himself into the war efforts in an attempt to forget about all the good years the two of you had had together but it was no use.
You were always there with him, haunting him until the day he died.
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