Rosies Writing - Tumblr Posts
love is a gentle thing (yours is thicker than a velvet ring)
Lottie sniffles, her entire body shaking. She thinks of the idea of hands running all over her body, lips trailing over her jaw, and a wave of nausea hits her.
“I’m fine,” she croaks, “I’m fine.”
They're both silent momentarily before Nat carefully and gently takes hold of Lottie’s hand. She moves slowly, allowing Lottie time to pull away if she’s still feeling uncomfortable. Tenderly, Nat places a kiss on Lottie’s knuckles, gently rubbing at her hand with her thumb.
“You know we don’t have to do anything, right?”
Embarrassment floods through Lottie. She hates it—hates how different she feels at this moment. Normal girls don’t get so scared when they’re about to sleep with their girlfriends for the first time. Normal girls don’t cry and feel sick when faced with the idea of having sex. Normal girls don’t do any of this, and it makes Lottie feel incredibly sick to her stomach. Regardless, she nods slowly before muttering, “I know.”
or
Lottie has never enjoyed sex. Ever since her first experience, she didn’t find any of it appealing. After starting to date Nat, she finds that she’s enjoying having a relationship without sex. However, a conversation with Allie makes Lottie paranoid about disappointing Nat, and soon enough, Lottie is making discoveries about herself with the help of her girlfriend.
3k words of self indulgent modern teen ace4ace lottienat hurt/comfort :]
–
Lottie lies comfortably on the couch, cuddled under a blanket with her girlfriend, Natalie. Some movie Nat had picked was playing, but in all honesty, Lottie was more focused on watching Nat throughout the film’s runtime. She gently threads her fingers through Nat’s hair, smiling at the content sigh that escapes Nat’s lips.
“Nat,” she whispers, “Natalie. Are you awake?”
Nat mumbles incoherently. She nestles into Lottie’s neck; Lottie’s heart soars in adoration.
“We should probably go to bed now. We have practice at, like, eight,” Lottie states. Nat emits a soft, muffled groan as she buries her face even further into Lottie's neck, prompting Lottie to stifle a silent laugh.
"Don't wanna go," she sleepily mutters, and her warm breath gently tickles Lottie's neck. Lottie can't help but smile at the sensation, leaning in to place a tender kiss on Nat's forehead. "I just wanna hang out with you..."
"I understand," Lottie sighs softly, "but we'll have fun playing and spending time with our friends."
"And Allie," Nat grumbles, "I don't like her."
Nat’s annoyed remark elicits a snort from Lottie. She'd be horrified if it were anybody else, but it was Nat—her girlfriend, her love. Lottie couldn't help but break into the most radiant and joyous smiles whenever she was around. That's the effect she had on her.
“I don’t either,” Lottie confesses hesitantly, “But I like soccer. And I know you do, too. So let’s go lay down, yeah? Get some rest?”
“Fine,” Nat drawls as she sits up. Lottie instantly misses the warmth she provided—that, and the blanket that Nat has wrapped around her entire body as a cape. Lottie huffs out a laugh, pretending to be upset.
“You really gonna just take my blanket in my house? I see how it is, Scatorccio.”
Nat smirks at her. In one swift motion, she grabs Lottie by the wrist and pulls her close, standing on tiptoe to press a chaste kiss to Lottie’s lips. She wraps part of the blanket around Lottie. Lottie makes a muffled noise of surprise but laughs as soon as Nat pulls away. She places her hands around Nat’s hips, pulling her in for another kiss.
“Dork,” she says, and the two move to retire to Lottie’s bedroom for the night.
–
Lottie didn’t like Allie for a number of reasons. One was that she was trying far too hard to befriend the taller and older girl for obviously shallow reasons. Allie wanted popularity and shopping sprees, so she was committed to becoming ‘besties’ with Lottie. Another was that she seemed to talk bad about certain teammates behind their backs or even right before them. Allie wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Allie was young and still had lots of room to improve, yet she acted like she was society's greatest gift to the sport of soccer. Add an annoying personality on top of all this, and you have the perfect equation for being somebody Lottie did not like.
Today, however, Lottie was reminded how much she truly disliked Allie. The team was all practicing when Coach Scott, who was taking over due to Coach Martinez having a family emergency, decided to pair them up himself. And, of course, Lottie was paired with Allie. Ever since finding out Lottie and Nat were dating, Allie was overcompensating for all the times she badmouthed Nat by being exceedingly interested in their relationship with Lottie. Not even an apology for Nat. Great.
“So,” Allie starts, passing the ball back and forth between herself and Lottie, “How are you and Nat?”
Oh god, Lottie thinks to herself, here we go. Allie always found new, more invasive questions to ask every time Lottie talked to her. It would be impressive if not for the sheer uncomfortableness of it all.
“Good,” Lottie says ambiguously. “Really good, actually. We had a sleepover last night,” she makes the mistake of saying with a smile. Allie’s eyes widened, and she wiggled her eyebrows at Lottie suggestively. Instantly, a pit formed in Lottie’s stomach.
“Scandalous,” Allie says with a wink, and yeah, Lottie definitely hates this.
“Not- not like that! She just slept over, and we watched a movie!”
Allie’s face falls slightly, and she looks surprised. Lottie’s almost certain it’s because of all of the rumors about Nat’s sex life, but before she can tell her off, Allie’s asking another horrifically inappropriate question.
“You guys have had sex before, though, right?”
Lottie's cheeks turned crimson, and warmth spread through her, but it was a different sensation than when she was with Nat. With Nat, it felt like a swarm of butterflies dancing in the summer breeze, bringing a sense of reassurance. However, now it felt more like she was engulfed in flames rather than peacefully sunbathing. She was on the verge of telling her teammate to be quiet, but Allie seemed to mistake her stunned and embarrassed expression for a negative response.
“Oh my god, you haven't, have you?”
“I-”
“I’m so sorry, that must suck! Man, how could you even know if the relationship would work? Plus, that’s, like, the whole point of a relationship, too! I mean-”
“Alright Girls!” Coach Scott calls, “Time for a practice game.”
–
Lottie does not score a single goal throughout the entire practice scrimmage. In fact, she almost trips over the ball quite a few times. She misses many passes and easy shots. She notices everyone looking at her funny, but despite her best efforts, she cannot focus.
She’s the first to make it to the locker room, changing as quickly as humanly possible. She’s about to run off and hide in her car when she feels a tug on her sleeve. She turns, finding Nat looking at her with a questioning glint in her eyes. Lottie simply shakes her head, indicating that she’ll discuss it later. Nat nods before making a critical mistake.
“Hey, do you mind if I stay the night again?”
Their teammates hear, obviously. How could they not? Nat wasn’t exactly whispering. Immediately, her fellow soccer players are wolf-whistling and making stupid jokes. Lottie feels her whole body light aflame. Meanwhile, Nat rolls her eyes and flips them all off. She drags Lottie off to Lottie’s car, and the two drive to her house in an awkward, uncomfortable silence.
–
Later that night, all Lottie could think about was what Allie had said and the jokes everybody had made. Because, loathe as she did to admit it, Allie was right. Sex was one of the main points of a relationship. No wonder everyone made those dumb jokes after Nat asked to sleep over. It was the most logical course of action. Nat had yet to tell her she wanted to move on to the next step of their relationship, but she had to have been getting annoyed. Anybody in her position would be.
Lottie had always known she was not like her peers. She was no stranger to feeling different. Lottie struggled with saying the right things at the right times and saw and heard things that weren't there. On top of that, as she grew older and learned about the topic of intercourse, she found that the idea both terrified and disgusted her.
She never outwardly shared her concerns due to the amount of people being bullied for being virgins or for not wanting to have sex. Instead, she merely stomached the awful feelings that intercourse gave her whenever she was in a relationship. She figured that, maybe, she had just exclusively had partners who were terrible in bed. But, despite knowing that she loved Nat and that Nat would always consider her comfort first and foremost, she couldn’t deny the simple fact. She didn't want to have sex with Nat. She didn’t want to ruin their relationship, and she had been so focused on how happy she had been that she hadn’t even considered how fed up Nat must have felt.
Lottie swallows anxiously. She hadn’t been able to focus on her homework at all. Nat was working on some English assignment on the bed beside her while Lottie stared at her blank sheet of paper. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get over this feeling that Allie was right, that she had to make sure Nat wasn’t fed up with her already. Lottie took a deep breath and made a (in hindsight, foolish) decision.
Lottie garners Nat's attention by calling her name. Then, Lottie scoots closer and holds Nat’s face in her hands before pulling her into a passionate kiss. Nat hums in surprise, moving to wrap her arms around Lottie’s waist. Lottie feels sick. She tries to combat the feeling by pushing herself harder. She pulls away, climbing into Nat’s lap. She doesn’t notice the confused look on Nat’s face, only her own sheer and utter discomfort. Nat lies against the bed and carefully places her hands on Lottie’s hips.
It’s too much. It’s all too much.
Lottie leans back suddenly, pushing Nat backward. She protectively wraps her arms around her torso. She sits on the opposite side of Nat, hoping to find comfort in the physical distance she has created, but she finds none. With tears threatening to fall from Lottie’s face, Nat sits up, her brow knit together in concern.
“Lottie- Hey, Lott, are you okay?”
Lottie sniffles, her entire body shaking. She thinks of the idea of hands running all over her body, lips trailing over her jaw, and a wave of nausea hits her.
“I’m fine,” she croaks, “I’m fine.”
They're both silent momentarily before Nat carefully and gently takes hold of Lottie’s hand. She moves slowly, allowing Lottie time to pull away if she’s still feeling uncomfortable. Tenderly, Nat places a kiss on Lottie’s knuckles, gently rubbing at her hand with her thumb.
“You know we don’t have to do anything, right?”
Embarrassment floods through Lottie. She hates it—hates how different she feels at this moment. Normal girls don’t get so scared when they’re about to sleep with their girlfriends for the first time. Normal girls don’t cry and feel sick when faced with the idea of having sex. Normal girls don’t do any of this, and it makes Lottie feel incredibly sick to her stomach. Regardless, she nods slowly before muttering, “I know.”
“Come on, Lott,” Nat gently rasps, “I know something’s wrong—something bigger. Talk to me.”
Lottie groans in frustration, some tears leaking from her eyes. She refuses to look at her girlfriend, far too anxious and upset with herself.
“I can’t do this,” she eventually settles on. “I just can’t.”
“You don’t have to, Lottie. Nobody is forcing you.”
Lottie huffs. “I know I don't have to do anything now, but eventually, you're going to want more!”
“Lottie,” Nat starts, “Hey, look at me.”
Lottie can’t bring herself to do it. She knows Nat will be nice about the whole situation, but Lottie can’t stomach the fact that she’s failed. Nat sighs silently, not disappointed, just sad. She places a tender kiss on Lottie’s forehead before continuing.
“I don’t care if we have sex or not.”
“But-”
“I don’t even want to have sex with you, Lott.”
…what?
“I mean- uhm, okay, that came out wrong…I’m asexual, Lottie. And I sorta get the feeling that you might be, too.”
Lottie blinks—once, then twice. She sniffles and wipes at her eyes. Then, after taking a deep, deep breath, Lottie finally looks at Nat. She expects a humorous expression to be on her face, for her to say that she’s messing with her and that this is the end of their relationship. Instead, she’s met with a soft look that Nat has reserved only for her girlfriend. She’s smiling, sure, but it's much more reassuring than mocking.
“...what are you talking about?” Lottie eventually asks, genuinely confused at the response she has gotten. Nat gently rubs her hand with her thumb. She presses a kiss on Lottie’s knuckles before continuing.
“My sexuality; I’m asexual. Do you know what that means?” Nat asks softly. Lottie shakes her head, wiping away a few stray tears. Nat smiles up at her.
“Basically, I don’t get sexual feelings, like, at all. Sex just…doesn’t interest me. There's a lot of different kinds of asexuality. Some people, like me, don't necessarily mind sex but don't actively enjoy it either. Then, there’s others who enjoy it, and others who are very uncomfortable with it.”
Lottie nods, tears drying from her face. Nat looks at her with so much love and adoration before asking, “Does that make any sense?”
“I think I’m- I’m that,” Lottie stutters, “Sex-repulsed.”
“That’s totally okay, Lottie. I don’t mind at all. Like I said before, no one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to. I’ve sorta had a feeling you might’ve been for a while, now, anyway.”
“What?” Lottie asks, “How- how would you have known?”
Nat shrugs, humming silently, before saying, “Just a hunch. Usually, by now in a relationship, a partner would’ve asked about having sex and boundaries. I got the idea when you never mentioned it or seemed interested.”
“Oh,” Lottie murmurs, sort of overwhelmed by all the information she’s gained in the past few minutes. Nat seems to notice, holding Lottie’s face in her hands. She peppers her face with soft, chaste kisses and mutters words of reassurance. Lottie feels tears forming again but lets them fall without a fight this time. Lottie allows herself to feel her emotions and spends the rest of the night cradled in Nat’s arms.
–
The following day, Lottie awakes to the smell of burning food and the absence of Nat lying with her. She stretches before climbing out of bed and pulling on a sweater. Walking down the staircase, Lottie hears the siren song of Nat profusely swearing. She chuckles under her breath before making her way to the kitchen. Once there, she sees Nat desperately trying to save some food from being completely inedible. Lottie smiles at the sight, wrapping her arms around Nat’s waist and placing her chin on Nat’s head.
“Morning,” Lottie says, “Whatcha making?”
“Pancakes,” Nat replies, “Or- well…trying to.”
Lottie grins, raising an eyebrow. “Seems more like you're making a mess to me…”
Nat pauses, turning the stove off. Lottie stands there silently, slightly confused as to what is happening. Then, Nat puts down her spatula, turns around, and starts mercilessly tickling Lottie, who simply stands there and laughs. Lottie nearly falls over, bringing Nat down with her—the two fall in a heap on the floor, where Nat still doesn’t let up. Laughter echoes throughout the kitchen, their burning breakfast long forgotten.
After a while, Nat lets Lottie breathe, pressing a kiss to her lips. She smirks over at her.
“What are you doing trying to cook?”
“Well, first of all, I am cooking. Second of all, I knew that yesterday was hard for you, so, uh, I wanted to do something nice.”
Lottie falls even more in love. Still, she can’t give up an opportunity to tease her girlfriend.
“Babe, it’s only cooking if you succeed.”
“Fuck off,” Nat chuckles, “Don’t talk shit when you can’t make anything either.”
Then, Nat’s eyes soften, and she breathes a heavy sigh.
“What happened yesterday?” she asks, “You never seemed worried about us having sex before. Did something…like, happen?”
Lottie’s cheeks flush, remembering what Allie said to her. She nods slowly, embarrassed about the entire situation. Nat’s eyes darken, and she presses Lottie to go on with her gaze.
“Allie was being weird and invasive. Found out we haven’t…y’know, and, like, said it was terrible. It just made me nervous, I guess. I didn’t want to disappoint you,” Lottie sighs, frowning deeply. Nat frowns at this, too, brow furrowing.
“I hate her,” Nat says after a long pause. Lottie snorts, and Nat’s smirking now, but she continues, saying, “No, seriously. I hate that bitch. It’s none of her business what we do or don’t do in our relationship. Plus, I hate that she made you feel like you had to do anything. That’s fucking stupid.”
“Yeah,” Lottie agrees. She grins over at Nat, reaching over to ruffle her already-tousled hair. Nat laughs, a real, hearty laugh, and smacks Lottie’s hand away. Then, Nat seems to remember the food she was trying (and failing) to make and stands up. She holds a hand out to Lottie, helping her up.
Nat returns to her terribly burnt pancakes while Lottie whisks some eggs together. While they work, Nat asks Lottie, “Do you think you want to tell anybody?”
Lottie pauses for a minute, thinking. Did she want to tell anybody? Sure, it wasn’t necessary, but avoiding weird jokes about them together would be nice.
“I think I do,” she says, “Is…uh., is that okay with you?”
Nat snorts from the stovetop, looking over to Lottie incredulously.
“If I weren’t, would I ask if you wanted to tell people?”
Lottie blushes before muttering, “Fair point.”
They continue cooking, brainstorming who to tell and how. Nat suggests starting with only a few people, and Lottie thinks that sounds pretty good. They decide to tell only their close friends, who they’re sure will have a positive response. Then, as Lottie grows more comfortable with her identity, she can publicly come out if she chooses. They also decide to tell them at the next “team-bonding exercise” set up by Jackie because, really, those meetings were just an excuse to hang out with her friends. Lottie was almost certain Jackie always “forgot” to invite their other teammates on purpose.
Once they finish making their breakfast, it turns out atrociously. Everything is burnt or overcooked, and it all has a strange flavor. Lottie and Nat have to order takeout because it's so horrible. There was a huge mess in the kitchen to clean, and their food was practically inedible, yet Lottie found that spending time like this with Nat was something she could do for an eternity.
heyyyyy….jackieshauna legally blonde au has been rewritten and rereleased (at least chapter 1 has!) if you wanna read it :3
short ace4ace travnat thing !
around 1k words. ace4ace travnat, pre-transition travis, teen timeline, happens during the wilderness but they’re actually good at communicating for plot reasons, internalized aphobia/acephobia
(might rewrite/rework eventually to have more plot lol…feedback is much appreciated!!!)
Travis was used to feeling inadequate. His father constantly berated him for his less-than-masculine attributes or for his hobbies and interests. Travis knew from the age of seven that he would never be enough for his father. He also knew he wouldn’t be enough for his peers, as Bobby Farleigh and the other asshole kids in Wiskayok spread the rumor that he had surgery so he could suck his own dick. The implication was there, loud and clear.
Travis did this so he could suck his dick. Travis sucks dick, and he knows no girl will ever want to suck his.
Perhaps the rejection Travis faced from a young age could explain why meeting Natalie was such a breath of fresh air for him. Nat was in a similar boat to him regarding a lack of parental and peer acceptance. Her peers spread nasty rumors about her, ones saying that she was a slut, or that she was the one who shot her father, having gotten away with his murder.
Travis didn’t really care about her past. All he cared about was how she sat and listened as he told her what Bobby Farleigh did and that she had helped him get the ring for Javi. He cared that she didn't look at him like some sort of freak, as if nothing was redeeming about him. He cared that she looked up at him, her face flushed and her dimples showing, before they both leaned in and had their first kiss.
Travis didn’t care what other people thought about her. Nat didn’t care what other people thought about him. It was a mutual agreement and attraction. So, when they got close enough to the point where there were mentions of their sexual relationship, you can understand Travis’ anxiety about the situation.
Travis had never been enough for anyone but Natalie. He had also never slept with anyone before and, much to his chagrin, never even considered the idea that he would want to sleep with someone. Travis had never had sexual feelings, dreams, or anything else the boys his age spoke of. In truth, he could care less about sex. Still, it was a necessary part of any relationship—he would put up with it if he had to.
But the anxiety crept in, and he found himself feeling inadequate once more. Travis had never slept with anyone, but Nat had. Nat probably had many wonderful experiences with smarter, more handsome, experienced guys. He convinced himself that Nat would only be disappointed by him, so he had been avoiding the topic for as long as he could.
And now, here he was, making out with Nat. Usually, he was much more relaxed, but he couldn’t help but be nervous. He was scared, sitting rigidly and fiddling with the hem of her shirt. Eventually, she pulled away, looking him directly in the eyes.
“Are you okay?”
Travis stares at her lamely, nodding his head. He tries to look more into it than he is, but he feels no attraction to what they’re doing. He loved kissing Nat, but right now, he’d much rather lie with her in bed, with Nat running her fingers through his hair. Travis shifts uncomfortably.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” he asks, the question coming out much harsher than he intends. He’s defensive, nervous that he’s already screwed it all up. Nat looks down at him softly.
“We don’t have to, uh, do anything. If you don’t want to, I mean,” Natalie says, and Travis’ face flushes.
“I can do it,” he says guardedly, pride slightly hurt from the insinuation that he can’t. Nat’s brow furrows.
“I’m not saying you can’t. I’m saying you don’t want to.”
Travis squirms under her intense gaze. She’s surprisingly adept at reading him, despite how briefly they’ve known each other in this way. He averts his eyes from hers, unable to handle the eye contact in his vulnerable state.
“I just– I don't want to, like, ruin our relationship if I’m…not good at this,” he admits, cheeks tinged a crimson color. Nat’s eyes soften further, and she runs her fingers through his hair, something she knows will relax him.
“But…you want to?” She asks, a curious lilt to her voice. Travis thinks for a minute. Does he want to? He’s always been told that his first time will be great, a marker for when he truly becomes a man or some bullshit. But…thinking over the entirety of their relationship, Travis finds that he hasn’t thought about sex with Nat once.
Nervous that it’s some sort of trap, he asks the counter-question, “Do you want to?”
She blinks in confusion, almost as if she’s not used to being asked if this is something she wants. The idea makes Travis feel a little nauseous.
“Not really, “ she eventually mutters, “I could care less if we have sex right now,” she shrugs, although her hands are shaking, and her bottom lip is twitching like she’s ready to apologize and take back everything she’s said. Travis stares up at her. He can’t decide if it’s because she knows he’ll be bad or because she genuinely doesn’t care.
“Do you…not like sex?” He asks. Nat flinches, staring at the wall.
“No,” she mumbles, “I don’t.”
They’re both silent for a minute, Nat staring at the wall and blinking back tears while Travis stares at her in fascination. He’s never actually met anyone else who thinks the same way he does about this.
“Me neither,” he eventually stutters. Nat’s head snapped in his direction, and she looked at him, bewildered.
“What?”
“I don’t– I don’t care about sex. It, uh, doesn’t really seem…appealing?”
Nat nods, urging him to go on. Travis swallows nervously.
“I’ve never really thought about it, other than something I had to do. So, uh…if…if you don’t care, and I don’t, we can just, like, kiss instead?”
He’s afraid he’s messed up when she doesn’t say anything and just stares. Then, she kisses him gently and tenderly. He reciprocates, and the two hold each other close. Maybe they were weird. Perhaps they were freaks of nature. Despite it all, neither truly cared. As long as they had each other, they could be strange together in peace.