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5 Birthdays Dean Had Without His Angel, and the One With 1.5k words

cw - homophobic language

24th January, 1984

Dean Winchester spends his first birthday without his mother in the Impala, his brother held tight in his arms and his dad driving furiously in the front seat. He watches as snowflakes zoom past the window, the car lurching as John turns abruptly on the ice.

It takes an hour for him to work up the courage to ask, "Can we get some cake at the next gas station?"

"What for?" His dad grunts in return.

He clutches Sammy tighter - take care of your brother now, Dean - and just shakes his head. He fingers squeeze around the edge of the seat and he prays that they don't crash.

He promises, in a hushed whisper that can't be heard over the rumble of the engine, that he will never forget Sammy's birthday.

Dean doesn't dare to ask his dad again.

24th January, 1996

It's Dean's 17th birthday and his dad is finally treating him like an adult. 'Your first solo case,' he told him, handing over the file. Dean was one year away from adulthood, one year away from finally being a man, and he is determined to make his dad proud.

Of course, when he gets there, when he realises exactly why his dad sent him on this particular salt and burn… well, he's no longer quite so sure.

What gave it away? he wonders as he loads his borrowed shotgun with salt rounds. Lee and him had always been so careful - it was no secret that John Winchester wasn't exactly supportive on that front - so how had he found out?

Dean had no doubt he had, though, as he dropped the matches into the grave and the nuns screamed as they went up in flames. Even in death, even as they went to whatever happened to vengeful spirits, their hands were still entwined.

Dean's heart aches as he fills the unmarked grave back in. His father's message is received loud and clear, and one he repeats at the mere mention of something not quite straight: queers should burn in Hell.

Dean sends off a quick prayer to a God he no longer believes in - the nuns deserved better than this and he hopes that they have gone someplace better, where they can be together - and he walks back to the Impala, shoulders shaking from tears, knowing that he can never look his dad in the eyes again.

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