Spideypool Headcanons - Tumblr Posts
*Andrew coming back from uni*
Tobey, hitting the ceiling with a broom: Sorry I left the window open and this fucker got in.
Andrew: Oh a bird flew in?
Tobey: Massive red one yea
Andrew:
Tobey:
Wade, holding onto the ceiling fan: sugar tits h e l p m e !!
Andrew:
Andrew, grabbing a mop:
Wade: :O
“Monogamy? In this economy???”
-Andrew Parker
-
Peter: bro, pick up your eboy, he’s curled up in my living room quivering, speaking in tongues, and surrounded by an impenetrable wall of writhing venom.
Deadpool: that’s not my eboy that’s my malewife !! they’re supposed to do that !!!
-
Interviewer: So spider-man are you and the…other spider men…brothers…or something ??
Tobey: No…these are my…clones.
Tobey, seeing Peter and Andrew off to the side pretending to make out with goblins mask and videoing it: ...They’re defective.
Peter: furbies are predators.
Andrew: ...what the actual-
Wade: No no, he has a point.
Peter: E a t th e r i c h
Wade: Shouldn't we eat out the poor?
Peter: what
Wade: What
wade meeting may
Andrew: it's just an introduction- it's not a big deal we can do this.
Wade: okay. okay, we got this!
-
May:
wade:
May:
Wade: i have 20 allegations against me and I commit crimes less than an hour ago.
Andrew: ...
Andrew: babe-
Wade: she's scary okay???
Andrew: ...so a chicken walks into a bar-
deadpool, desperately trying to staunch the blood: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
-
[spidey-bros being interviwed]
Reporter: What is your reaction the public arguing whether the youngest spider-man is trans or not?
Tobey: oh for fucks-
Andrew, backing away: nooooo
Peter, grabbing the mic: whO THE FUCK THINKS IM C I S???
-
Wade: man Im cold.
Andrew: here use my jacket.
Peter: :O
Peter: h-hey mj, im cold.
Mj, throwing a lighter at him: go wild.
Andrew, having consumed enough caffeine to kill three horses and crawling on the ceiling: where are the fresh children for me to feast upon !!
Tobey picking up a cross and backing himself into a corner: What the fuck what thefuckwHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUC-
-
Andrew: I have something to tell you…
May: you can tell us anything.
Andrew: Im bi
Peter: knew it
Tobey: finally.
Uncle ben: …
Aunt May: Ben no.
Uncle ben: HI BI IM UNCLE BEN.
-
Peter, directly into the intercom: attention shoppers. My friend is hot and ready to trot. He is single and ready to mingle. He is-
Ned, physically wrestling the mic out of his hands: PETER.
Andrew: why did my last two brain cells have to be a sad one and a dumb one
Tobey: Gee, Andrew, why do you get two brain cells ???
-
Peter: wh a t d oe s bdsm s t a n d f or ??? Andrew: Bondag-
Tobey: BIBLE DELICIOUS SUPER MAN.
-
Andrew spider-man: *practically annihilates team of super villains single handedly*
Deadpool: there goes and semblance or heterosexuality i had left in me.
-
MJ: Do you take constructive criticism?
Peter, already crying: s u re w ha ts u p
-
Aunt may, holding up baby trans peter: stinky
Uncle ben: no. dont be mean.
Aunt may, spinning them both around: Stinky bastard man
Uncle ben, distraught: nO.
Tobey, watching the whole thing: Naughty boy, brat bastard.
Peter: I t’ s tr u e, m y cr i me s a re un f or gi v ab le.
Uncle ben: NOOOOO !!
spidey bros au
Peter: perhaps i’ll drink my sorrows away.
peter : *stabs straw through up&go*
-
[on patrol]
Tobey: How long is he gonna do this?
*Andrew spider-man and deadpool arguing in the kmart parking lot*
Peter:
Enemies to lovers. 100k words. #slowburn #mlm.
Tobey: H-how did you do that ??
-
Andrew: I asked to share wades queen sized bed with him
Andrew: to which he responded that he’s a queen and therefore it is at maximum capacity.
Peter, about to be murdered: man i sure hope this is gonna be on buzzfeed unsolved
Murderer: *takes off mask to reveal shane madej* it will
Peter: Ohmygosh, mr madej sir !!!
-
Deadpool: I don’t see why i can’t be both the love interest and the antagonist.
-
Tobey: I would always think to myself “How could another person kill someone?”
Tobey: And then I met Deadpool and i was like “Oh okay.”
Peter, whispering to andrew: you’re gay
Andrew: I know that
Peter: gay for wade?
Andrew: I did not know that.
-
Deadpool: Aren’t we all just trying to be Morticia addams?
Peter: actually I’m trying to be Gomez addams
Deadpool: Honourable. Respectable. Where would we be without you
-
[after a long patrol]
Peter, very tired: wow that’s a phat phucking cat
Tobey:
Tobey: pe- Spidey, that’s a raccoon.
Peter: i’ m taking he r home.
Deadpool: bitches be like “you’re mine” first of all I’m on probation, “I” belong to the state.
-
Peter: i f i ever die roll my corpse down the lazy river-
Andrew: done.
Tobey: Let's get back to the part where you said “if” you ever die.
-
Andrew spider-man: If you piss off whatever is in there and we die, I promise i’ll still be angry at you up in heaven.
Deadpool: *wheezing* you think i’m going to heaven?!
Deadpool to the criminals hiding: HE THINKS I'M GOING TO HEAVEN.
Criminals and deadpool: *LAUGHING*
As much as I love the idea of a slow burn spideypool I think it would be so much funnier if they just matched on Grindr
Wade: so what do you do?
Andrew: oh uh, yknow…web design…photography. You?
Wade: ✨murder✨