Team Rocket James - Tumblr Posts - Page 3

A Worse Pill to Swallow: A Bonkers Blueshipping Mpreg Pokéfic (part one of three)

I was twelve years old when I wrote this. Enjoy my oldfic if you dare.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy (I think mpreg is fine, just explain it maybe); bizarre anti-abortion overtones (the views expressed in this fic by twelve me do not represent the views of adult me); general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; weepy!James (even moreso than he is in canon); dickish!Jessie; generic boyfriend!Meowth; odd ideas about romance; kitten birthing scene; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*Meowth gets ready for bed. His beautiful, blue-haired virgin waits quietly for him. Obviously, that's James. He's wearing white pajamas: a white button-down shirt and white shorts. Very cute.

Meowth: (thinking) He looks so innocent, I almost hate to take his virginity away. (out loud) Are you ready? James: (turns around and smiles) Yes.

*James isn't afraid to reveal his body. He used to cringe at the thought of naked people, but he isn't afraid to expose himself to Meowth and let Meowth "explore" his body. If they're going to break the rules, they might as well enjoy it.

*A few weeks later, James wakes up nauseated. He goes into the bathroom and starts vomiting. Meowth wakes up because he notices James isn't in bed with him.

Meowth: James? Are you okay? James: (puking noises)

*Meowth goes in. James is wiping his mouth.

Meowth: What's wrong? James: I don't know. I guess I'm coming down with something. Meowth: (takes James's temperature) You don't have a fever. Hey, wait! I have an idea! Maybe it's hypothermia. James: Meowth, it's not even cold outside. Meowth: It was worth a try.

*They're both silent for a minute.

James: Remember when we….you know. Meowth: The night after the Shuckle incident? James: Yes. What if….something strange happened? Meowth: There's only one quick, private way to find out.

*Meowth takes out a pregnancy test for Pokémon (because James would have kittens).

Meowth: Here, pee on the grey oval. Then we need to wait a minute.

*James pees on the grey oval. Then he and Meowth nervously wait for sixty seconds, which feels like sixty years. When they look at the oval again, a blue plus sign has appeared. James and Meowth stare at it, then stare at each other. James has tears in his eyes.

James: Oh, Meowth, what are we going to do? Meowth: It's not the end of the world, Jimmy. James: Is there anything I can do? Meowth: There are pills that can end it in twenty-four hours.

*James rests his head on the toilet seat and starts to cry. He does not want to kill anything, especially a little kitten that hasn't even had a chance to live.

James: How long does it take for kittens to develop? Meowth: About sixty-three days. James: I have to put up with this for nine weeks?! Meowth: It's been a few weeks, maybe you're a few weeks pregnant? James: (sighs) I might as well get used to it. Meowth: You mean, you're actually going through with this? James: What else can I do?

*James and Meowth gaze into each other's eyes. They hug, then make out. James looks down, then looks away, giggling.

James: The kitten is already feisty. Meowth: I guess if it's moving, you're about four weeks along.

*James and Meowth make out again.

*A few days later, James is five weeks pregnant. He gets out a plate and warms up a hotdog. Then he covers it in chocolate sauce and starts eating it. Jessie stares at him.

Jessie: What's the deal with that food combination? Meowth: Well, we definitely know he's pregnant now.

*James then drinks two glasses of milk.

*Later in the bedroom, James and Meowth are getting ready for bed. James is folding his clothes on a chair, when he suddenly gasps and clutches his stomach.

James: Those kicks couldn't have come from just one kitten. Meowth: Kittens can come in groups of three to ten.

*James sits down heavily on the bed and winces as the kittens kick again.

James: Three to ten?! I thought I was only having one. (winces) I feel like a Snorlax. Meowth: It's definitely more than one. James: (eyebrow raise) Really? (looks down at stomach) Meowth: Cats can sense these things, you know.

*James has a puzzled look on his face as he looks down at his stomach. He's feeling the kittens settling down and….gently vibrating?

Meowth: What are they doing now? James: I think they're falling asleep. And purring.

*The next day, James wakes up at noon. Meowth is sitting next to him on the bed.

Meowth: You slept a long time. You must've been beat. James: Bearing a whole litter of kittens is hard work.

*Meowth makes sure his claws don't come out when he strokes James's soft, silky, blue hair. This immediately makes James smile. It also causes the kittens to move, making James sigh.

Meowth: Is it the kittens again? James: Of course. (blushes)

*James and Meowth start kissing and stroking each other. This is very soppy and like a romance novel, but Meowth did impregnate James, so….

*Later, Jessie, James, and Meowth are watching TV. James's mood swings begin to kick in when a romantic telephone commercial plays.

James: (wipes away tears) What a sad commercial. It makes me want to— Jessie: Cry? That's all you've done since you first started this ridiculous relationship! The commercial wasn't that sad. James: (irritated) Are you calling me a crybaby? Jessie: What if I am? That's what you are, anyway. Count one day out of the last five weeks when you didn't cry.

*James glares at her.

James: At least I'm not heartless! Meowth: Quit fighting, you two. It's not good for the kittens. James: (angrily, at Meowth) Haven't you done enough?!

*James flounces out of the room and slams the bathroom door.

Meowth: See what you did to him! You know he's going to be irritable. Jessie: I didn't know James could be irritable. He should wear a mood ring so I know. Meowth: Not funny. Jessie: It wasn't meant to be. Meowth: Do you mean the joke wasn't meant to be funny, or that James wasn't meant to have kittens? Jessie: Yes.

*James is listening to their conversation from the bathroom. He immediately goes to the toilet and throws up. He starts to regret having a Pokébestial relationship and starts to cry silently. A sharp pain makes him crumble into a ball on the floor, sobbing helplessly.

*After James cries for a while, he feels the pain go away. The kittens aren't kicking him anymore and have gone to sleep. James dozes off in front of the toilet.

*Jessie, James, and Meowth don't talk to each other until bedtime, when James apologizes.

James: Jessie? Meowth? Jessie and Meowth: Yes? James: I've been thinking. I may have said some things I didn't mean. I was just irritable from the hormones. I'm sorry. Jessie and Meowth: Apology accepted. James: (voice breaking) And Meowth, if I offended you when I….(sniff)…when I said you've done enough….(gets teary-eyed, then starts crying) I'm sorry! I didn't mean it. I love you. (hugs Meowth tightly to his bosom) Meowth: (smushed) Apology accepted, but not needed. James: Thanks, Meowth. (sniff) Meowth: (smushed) You're welcome, but please stop hugging me. James: Oh. Sorry. (puts Meowth down)

*A few weeks later, James is nine weeks pregnant. He's actually not showing that much, since Meowth kittens are a lot smaller than human babies.

*Every time James has to go to the bathroom, Meowth comes with him in case it's time for the kittens to be born. One night, James gets up to use the bathroom. Meowth goes with him.

Meowth: You'll only have to put up with this for a few more days. James: It feels like….(winces, holds stomach) It feels like a kitten could just pop out now.

*James starts to feel like he needs to poop. He suddenly feels a sharp pain in his stomach.

James: (yells) Meowth! Meowth: What?! What?! James: (strained) I think it's time now. Meowth: Breathe. Lie down.

*James's attempt to birth the kittens backfires. They go back to bed. James gets up several more times in the night.

James: (moans) This is the ninth time I've had to get up.

*Meowth is still in bed. James didn't bother to wake him up. Meowth wakes up to hear a small cry from James. He runs into the bathroom. James is sitting on a towel on the floor, legs spread and pantsless.

Meowth: James! Are you all right? James: (dazed) Yes. (reveals four Meowth kittens) Aren't they precious so far? Meowth: Yeah….Wait a minute, you said "so far." There are more kittens coming? James: Yes. I just feel one more left.

*Meowth goes over to James and coaches him to breathe and push. James is screaming. Luckily, Jessie is a heavy sleeper.

James: (straining and breathless) I can't do it, Meowth. I'm too weak from getting out the other four. Meowth: You can do it, James.

*James screams as the contractions get more intense. He pushes as hard as he can.

James: (nearly crying) Oh, the pain….(squeals, pushes) Meowth: One, two, three, push! James: (straining) Come on….come out….(continues pushing) Meowth: When you push, I'll catch. One, two, three, push! James: EEEEEEE! Kitten: (pops out of James's nethers) Meow! James: Oh my gods! (cries) Meowth: It's so cute! And loud!

*Meowth bites off all the kittens' umbilical cords. James smiles blissfully and opens his pajama top. The first kitten puts their mouth on James's nipple and drinks the milk that comes out. Meowth holds the second kitten up to James's other nipple. The others crawl around and nibble at the afterbirth while they're waiting their turn.

*Months later, the Meowth kittens have grown older and can mostly look after themselves. They've formed a pack and gone hunting. While they're out, James blasts Meowth's rocket off again. A few weeks later, this conversation happens.

James: I think I've acquired a fondness for hotdogs with chocolate sauce and milk. And maybe it's just regular that I cry during telephone commercials. Meowth: It's happening again. James: What are you talking about? (realization hits him) I'm….pregnant?! Again?! (looks down at stomach) Meowth: (sweat-dropping) Heh, heh. Maybe…. James: (trying to sound calm) How many kittens am I likely to have this time? Meowth: Judging by your eating habits and your four-hour nap on the couch yesterday, I'd say….Oh, about ten to twenty. James: Ten to….(faints)

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: James really should've used Plan B, but knowing Team Rocket's luck with plans, it probably would've failed.

A Worse Pill to Swallow: Second Litter (part two of three of a old Blueshipping Pokémon fic)

The sequel sure is a thing.

Part one is here.

This fic contains:

-Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story)

-unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy (I think mpreg is fine, just explain it maybe)

-bizarre anti-abortion overtones (the views expressed in this fic by twelve me do not represent the views of adult me)

-general angst

-swear words

-shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy

-possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth and extreme out-of-character moments for Brock (I don't even know why I made him a super douche; I actually liked Brock)

-random "Jessiebelle does dark magic" plotline

-weepy!James (even moreso than he is in canon), dickish!Jessie, and generic boyfriend!Meowth

-no, seriously, Brock is just the worst in this fic

-odd ideas about romance

-ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*James wakes up on the couch.

James: What happened? Meowth: You fainted. James: You mean I fell asleep. Meowth: What are you talking about? James: It's not yesterday? Meowth: Did you hit your head when you fell, Jimmy? James: I dreamt you told me I was going to have more kittens. Meowth: That wasn't a dream. You fainted and I dragged you onto the couch. James: May I be excused? Meowth: Sure.

*James goes into the bathroom and starts vomiting. Meowth goes in with him. James finishes vomiting and just sits next to the toilet, crying.

James: (sobbing) I just can't stand it. Meowth: You can always take the pills…. James: (sharply) No! (folds arms)

*Meowth is a little surprised by James's tone of voice.

Meowth: Okay, I won't make you do it. James: You better not.

*James's voice is as cold as the snow falling outside Team Rocket's cabin. Meowth decides not to say anything else about the pills.

*A few weeks later, a snowstorm occurs. Team Twerp is wandering around the forest.

Misty: Hey, look, a cabin! Maybe we could ask to stay there.

*They go to the cabin and knock on the door. Jessie answers it.

Jessie: What are you twerps doing here? Misty: We're stranded and we need a place to stay. Jessie: Sorry, we can't. Ash: Why not? Jessie: Because….(gets a Pikachu-stealing idea) I changed my mind. You can stay.

*Ash and friends come inside. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, James is drinking milk. The kittens are asleep. He looks up and sees the twerps entering.

James: What are they doing here? Brock: You're looking a little fat, James. James: Shut up. Brock: Well, you are.

*James shoves Brock up against the wall.

James: You understand that I can sit my so-called "fat" self on your skinny little twerp butt, right? Jessie: Get off the twerp. You'll scare him.

*James backs away from Brock, letting him slide down the wall and onto the ground. Jessie takes James aside and whispers the plan to him.

Jessie: It may interfere with your kittens, but you can probably bear it.

*James looks shocked at the deviousness of Jessie's plan.

Brock: What is your problem? James: (folds arms) Why do I have to tell you? Brock: Just answer the damn question! James: (smirks) No. Brock: What is your freakin' problem?! James: You're my problem! You bug me! Brock: If you think you aren't fat, then why does it bother you? James: Because I'm pregnant, not fat!

*The room is silent. Then Team Twerp starts laughing.

Brock: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! Who would even want to do it with you? James: Why, you little punk!

*James grabs Brock by his shirt and is about to double slap him.

Meowth: James, calm down! It's not good for your kittens if you're like this! James: (to Brock) How do you think you'd feel if you were going to birth a whole litter of kittens in a week and someone kept bugging you? Brock: Put me down! Put me down! Meowth: Put him down, James.

*James drops Brock. He then storms out of the room into the bathroom, where he slams the door.

Meowth: What did you do to him? Brock: I just asked him what his problem was. Meowth: Never ask James that question. Especially when he's having kittens.

*Meowth goes into the bathroom. James is sitting with his head on the toilet seat. His hair is messy.

Meowth: Are you sick again? James: No. But I think I'm going to be. Meowth: Is it the kittens again? James: Yes. They keep kicking. I tried eating only bland foods, but it's not working. It's been like this since the start. It's almost like the kittens are purposely trying to hurt me. Meowth: They wouldn't be. They don't know any better and why would they want to hurt you? You're giving them life. James: Maybe you're right.

*James shifts slightly, which earns him a kick from the kittens. He winces.

Meowth: James! Are you okay? James: I'll be fine. (feels another kick) Ow! It's just getting worse. (winces) Maybe they're….coming early. (clutches stomach)

*The kittens stop kicking James and go to sleep.

James: I think they're finally asleep. Meowth: Maybe you should go to sleep, too. James: Good idea.

*Later, James is awakened from sleep in the early morning by the kicking of the kittens. He drinks a glass of warm milk and goes back to bed. James's departure from the bed and return wakes Meowth.

Meowth: You okay? James: I feel like they're going to claw their way out of me. Meowth: It must be Jessiebelle. She did dark magic to them. What has she put inside you instead of normal kittens? James: (crying) They're hellcats! All ten or twenty of them! She's put demon kittens inside of me! They're all demon kittens! (sobs)

*James feels a lot of kicks from the kittens. He cries out in pain, cursing his pregnancy.

James: (strained) She's mad that I wouldn't make an heir with her, so she's punishing me, using my body to create demons. That bitch.

*Team Twerp has been listening from the other room.

Brock: So he's really got a jelly doughnut in the oven. I guess he really is well-bred.

*The door they're leaning on swings open. James and Meowth see that they're being spied on.

James: What are you doing spying on us? Brock: I should take some of your "demon kittens" and breed them. Then they'll grow into pretty good battlers. James: Stay away from my kittens when they're born.

*Team Twerp goes back to bed. James turns over.

Meowth: Are you all right? James: Where did I go wrong? I was happy at first, but I don't know what to feel now.

*The next morning at 7:00 AM, a falsetto scream is heard.

Brock: The James trap worked.

*James comes out of the bathroom. His face is flushed and there is a glue trap stuck in his hair.

James: There is a glue trap stuck in my hair. I suggest the person who did this come over here and remove it. (puts hands on hips) I'm not leaving until you do.

*Brock comes over to him and takes out a pair of scissors.

Brock: This will be easy.

*Brock holds the scissors to James's hair and is about to cut some of his hair. James grabs Brock's arm.

James: Drop the scissors.

*Brock drops the scissors.

Brock: How am I going to remove it without scissors?! James: (sugary sweet voice) Well, then, I guess you'll have to find another way, won't you? (folds arms, smiles sweetly) Misty: He does look pretty cute like that. Brock: Whose side are you on?!

*Brock is about to get a handful of James's hair and pull it out of the trap. James flips his hair out of Brock's reach.

James: (giggles innocently) Lay one hand on my hair and you'll no longer have a hand. Brock: So what am I supposed to do? James: I don't know. (giggles a little too sweetly) Brock: First he's a brute, now he's an innocent ditz. James: (steps into Brock's space) What did you say? Brock: I said….There's no dispute! Yeah, we totally need to get that glue trap out. James: (steps out of Brock's space) That's better. (smiles sweetly)

*Brock reads the back of the glue trap.

Brock: It says "comes off victim in warm water." Okay, come over to the sink, James. James: Like I said, I'm not moving until you remove the trap. Brock: God damn it. (under his breath) You can lead a whore to water but you can't make him put his head in the sink. (gets an idea) I know what to do.

*Brock gets a small pail and fills it with water.

Brock: Want a shower? 'Cause I should pour it all over your dirty ass. Cool down the kittens. James: (sugary voice) I wouldn't do that if I were you.

*Brock holds the bucket up to James's hair. James puts his hair in the bucket. The glue trap dissolves and falls off.

James: Now behave yourself. You wouldn't want me to get ugly, would you? Brock: (sotto voce) You're already ugly. James: (ominously) What was that? Brock: Um….nothing! James: (smiles sweetly) That's better.

*James walks back into the bathroom and closes the door.

Brock: How did he possibly hear that?

*Later, in the bedroom….

Meowth: Ash is so annoying. James: It's not Ash, it's Brock. He keeps messing with me. Meowth: All Ash talks about is being a Pokémon master. Give the subject a rest. James: If I hear the word "fat" come out of Brock's mouth one more time….(goes back to bed) Meowth: (surprised) You just got up and now you're getting back in bed? James: (sighs) I'm just tired. Cats sleep for thirteen hours and I guess I should sleep that long for the kittens. Meowth: Actually, kittens sleep for sixteen hours. James: The longer the better. (yawns) Meowth: Are you sure you're not sick? James: I'll be fine.

*In a few seconds, James is in a deep sleep, snoring. Meowth watches him for a while.

Meowth: (thinking) He's so cute when he's sleeping.

*James has a dream where Jessiebelle comes and tries to take his kittens. He wakes up screaming.

Meowth: What's wrong, Jimmy? James: (shakily) I dreamt Jessiebelle tried to kidnap me and make me give birth to the kittens in her dungeon.

*Brock bursts into the room.

Brock: Are the kittens ready to come out?! James: No, and even if they were, you wouldn't be getting any of them. Brock: Oh, come on. You don't mean that. James: I believe I do. Brock: I can heal your pain. James: How? Brock: Give me the kittens and I'll tell you how. James: No. First of all, you're not getting any. Second of all, they haven't been born. Brock: I can heal your pain and help you birth them at the same time. James: No. (backs toward bedroom)

*James runs out of the room. Brock chases him through every room in the cabin. Brock finally traps James behind the couch.

James: (looks up, sees Brock) AHHH! Brock: Won't you let me help you birth the kittens? James: First, you insult me, then you threaten me? No way. If you want kittens, get your own two Meowths, and let them screw each other.

*James gets up and starts pushing Brock backward.

James: I'm going to birth them, and I'm going to keep them. (shoves Brock against the wall) Got that? Brock: (scared) Yes.

*James backs away from the wall, letting Brock fall to the ground.

James: Good day.

*James walks into the bedroom, after shooting a kind of flirtatious smile at Team Twerp.

Misty: Cute smile. Brock: Whose side are you on? Ash: That's the second time today he did that.

*Later that day, they're having lunch. James cooks meatballs and puts chocolate on his portion.

Brock: Why are you pouring chocolate on your meatballs? James: Because I like it.

*James eats every meatball on his plate and every last drop of chocolate. he drinks four glasses of milk. Brock stares at him.

Brock: Are you feeling okay? James: What's it to you?

*James puts his plate in the sink. He begins washing a spoon.

Brock: This fell off of your Pokéball belt. (holds out Pokéball) I'll give it back if you give me a kitten. (waves Pokéball in James's face) James: (slowly, ominously) Give me Victreebel's Pokéball. NOW. (holds up spoon)

*Brock walks over to where James is sitting and gives him the Pokéball.

Brock: (mockingly) Here ya go, Sugar-tits.

*James grabs Brock by his shirt and pulls him close to him.

James: (narrows eyes, smiles sweetly) Don't call me Sugar-tits.

*Victreebel comes out and bites James on the ass.

James: Let go of my sweet ass! (puts Victreebel back in the Pokéball)

*James smiles sweetly at Brock before getting up and walking back into the bedroom.

*Later that day, there is a telephone commercial on the TV. James bursts into tears at it.

Brock: What is your problem? Why are you crying at a commercial? It's just a friggin' commercial! James: You're getting on my last nerve! I'll bear the kittens, but I won't bear your constant harassment! Brock: Why are you even having kittens? Humans don't do that. James: This one does. Brock: Well, you're a Pokébestial freak. James: That's it! I may be a lot of things, such as irritable, hormonal, and emotional, but I am not a freak! Brock: Take a chill pill. Or maybe an anti-pregnancy pill. James: Maybe I will!

*Everyone looks at James, who has just realized what he's said.

Brock: You monster. Do you realize what you just said? James: You're right. I'm a monster.

*James runs into the bedroom, crying.

Meowth: What did you do that for?! Couldn't you see he didn't realize what he said?! Brock: I broke him. (yelling) Hey, James! Do you still have your Moltres personality now, kitten-murderer? James: (from bedroom) Shut up! (screaming) Just shut up, okay? (kicks door closed)

*Loud cursing while crying can be heard from behind the door.

James: That bastard! He knows I plan to have the kittens! He just wants them to come out all fucked up! He just wants an excuse to ridicule me! I hate Brock! I hate Brock! (crying) I am such a fiend for hating! I can't believe I almost considered taking the pills!

*Outside the bedroom door, Meowth is listening in.

Meowth: I better go in and talk to him.

*Meowth goes in. James is kneeling next to the bed with his face buried in the covers.

Meowth: James, what's wrong? James: It just hurts. (sobs) Meowth: That's a good sign. It means they'll come out soon.

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Nobody is safe from the out-of-character plague.

Moltres James: You can make a religion out of this

I found an old fic I wrote after "The Fortune Hunters" came out.

Apparently, kid-me was so sad for James after he learned his actual horoscope, she wrote a whole ass fix fic where he ended up being a Moltres type.

And then I read further and it spiraled into madness.

So that's definitely going on this blog.

The Book of Moltres James: A Religiously Clueless Pokéfic (part one)

Other contenders for titles: Yes, Virgin James, There Is A Moltres God; The Blood of the Chicken

This is a fic I wrote when I was thirteen (possibly old enough to know better). Apparently, I watched "The Fortune Hunters" and thought it needed a fix fic. Unfortunately, this fic is just a little broken.

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it's the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it's okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; a loose understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; bizarre focus on James's virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out-of-character moments for the twerps; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; bad ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James’s point of view)

I was a fallen soul.

“I’m not a Moltres,” I thought. “My life is trash.” That was what I used to think.

That was before I realized that I had looked up the wrong date. I had looked up the date March 20, 1984 instead of April 20, 1984.

“I’m not a Magikarp!” I thought. Oh, happy day!

Then another thought hit me: What if I was something worse? Like a Weedle? I was afraid to look at the fortune book for a week. Then I realized it’s only a fortune. It can’t hurt me. I looked up my fortune. I couldn’t believe it.

I was actually a Moltres.

-O-o-O-

I watched a group called the Moltres Witnesses. They were very serious Moltres worshippers.

Jessie called it a cult, but I didn’t care. I, too, had become a serious Moltres worshipper. I stopped eating chicken because Moltres is a fire chicken. I prostrated myself in the Temple of Moltres. Before I went in, I purged myself, forcing my body to rid itself of all impurities.

The only part of the chicken I would consume was its blood.

Later, I found out the Moltres Witnesses weren’t that extreme, they just bowed down and prayed to Moltres every day.

I didn’t really join the group at first. I only watched them, hiding, and secretly worshipped Moltres with them. I was too shy to ask them if I could join.

But one day, Moltres came. He was right next to me all along and I didn’t even know it.

I heard a voice on the wind say, “What are you doing over here in the bushes?”

I turned around. Moltres was there.

“I….” I was speechless.

“Yes?” Moltres patiently awaited my answer.

“I was honoring you,” I said, while bowing, “O Mighty Moltres.”

“I’ve seen you. You have given up eating the flesh of the chicken. You only drink the blood. You purge yourself before entering my temple,” Moltres said.

“You can talk?!”

“Yes, James, I can talk.”

I was shocked. He knew my name! Wow!

After that, I loved, respected, and honored Moltres even harder.

Then the accident happened.

-O-o-O-

Jessie and Meowth were watching the news on TV. An accident report came on. The accident wasn’t far from us.

“Wow. That’s nasty. That huge thing must’ve caused a really big fire,” Jessie said.

“Jessie, be quiet! Don’t let James hear!” Meowth said.

As soon as I heard the “don’t let James hear” part, I ran out into the living room.

The accident was Moltres.

Moltres had been hit by a truck.

I ran into the bathroom crying. I heard Meowth say, “I knew it would break his heart. I just wanted to protect him.”

After about five minutes, I snuck out of the bathroom to the crash site. Officer Jenny was there with Nurse Joy. The twerps were there, too.

I didn’t care who was watching. I bowed down to Moltres and talked softly to him.

“What’s he doing?” Ash said.

“Moltres must’ve been like a god. The legendary bird deserves a proper burial,” Officer Jenny said.

I attended Moltres’s funeral. The Moltres Witnesses were there, too. The twerps, Officer Jenny, and Nurse Joy were there, also.

I didn’t cry. I knew I had to be strong for Moltres. But I was thinking, “Why did you leave me like that, Moltres? Why did it have to be you?”

“It was just a chicken with fire on it,” Ash said.

I got mad. “No, he wasn’t! Moltres was a god to a group called Moltres Witnesses! How can you say he was ‘just a chicken’?”

Ash shut up for the rest of the funeral.

The Moltres Witnesses came up to me.

“Hey, you’re the one Moltres talked to!” one of them, a blond man, said.

I got a little scared. What if that was forbidden?

“What’s your birthdate? I wanna look up your Pokémon type.”

“April 20, 1984.”

The man flipped to April twentieth in the Pokémon fortune book.

“He’s a….a Moltres!” the man yelled.

“No wonder Moltres liked him. He’s kinda hot,” a red-haired guy said.

“Oh, give it up Ronald, he’s too young for you,” a green-haired woman said.

“What’s your name?”

“James. What’s yours?”

“Cujo.”

“I’m Rosemary,” the woman said.

“I’m Ronald,” the other guy said.

When the funeral was over, we said goodbye to each other. I walked home. I couldn’t believe Moltres had died.

“Who will I look up to now?” I thought.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If a book says you're a thing, immediately join a cult for it and get hit on by Ronald McDonald at a funeral for a fire chicken. (DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS)

okay hear me out

What if there's blueshipping, but James and Meowth are the tougher, gay version of Jessica and Roger Rabbit

And Jessie is Eddie Valiant

The Book of Moltres James: The Bird(man) Who Got Away (part three)

The story calms down for a bit, but goes back to its usual bonkers self in the next part. Teen-me just couldn't help herself and had to shoehorn in some blueshipping.

Part one

Part Two

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge; bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out of character moments for the twerps; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; odd ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Third person point of view)

“James, if you’re going to wear those awful maternity clothes, at least wear matching shoes instead of your boots,” Jessie said.

“No way! I don’t want anyone to see my ankles,” James said.

His ankles weren’t that badly swollen, but to James, they were huge.

James also thought he looked awful in his Team Rocket uniform because he was very heavily pregnant, so he got a black maternity shirt and sewed a red “R” onto it.

Team Rocket hadn’t chased the twerps for eight months. The twerps wondered why. So they knocked on the door of Team Rocket’s cabin. James answered it.

“What are you three doing here?” he asked, peeking out from behind the door so the twerps could only see his face.

“How come we can only see your face?” Brock asked. Then he added, “Are you decent?”

“No,” James said. “I won’t be for another month.”

“You’re naked?!”

“No!”

“Then why would you be indecent?” Misty said.

“Because I don’t want you to see me.”

“Why not?” Ash said.

“I just don’t!” James said. He tried to push the door closed, but Ash started trying to push it open.

“Why haven’t you chased us?” Ash asked.

“Because we don’t want to!”

James pushed the door shut and locked it. The twerps were surprised.

“Team Rocket doesn’t want to chase us?” Misty said.

“I feel so rejected!” Brock said.

“Something’s up,” Ash said.

The twerps ran around the cabin, looking to find a window to look in, but all the windows were covered with shades.

“Wait a minute. They haven’t chased us for eight months. James said he didn’t want us to see him for a month. That makes nine months,” Brock said.

“What does that mean? Is James in school?” Ash asked.

“School is ten months, Ash,” Misty said.

“And when Team Rocket drank the purple Shuckle potion, Meowth fell in love with James,” Brock continued.

“Brock, where you’re going with this story is just weird,” Misty said.

“Where is he going with it?” Ash said.

“Don’t you get it?” Brock said.

“No,” Ash said.

Brock and Misty face-faulted.

“He’s saying James and Meowth had sex and James is pregnant!” Misty yelled.

“Eww! I wish you hadn’t told me!” Ash yelled.

“But James is a human and Meowth is a Pokémon,” Misty said.

“There are times when that doesn’t matter,” Brock said. “However, we don’t know if this is one of those times.”

“We don’t even know whether or not James and Meowth had sex,” Ash said.

So the twerps forgot about it and minded their own business.

-O-o-O-

James was a little over nine months pregnant.

He had become quieter and emotional. He was eating more than he usually did.

Sometimes he would run to the temple of Moltres and stay there for hours, praying for a safe birth.

He still got feverish fits. Sometimes he would just get really feverish for a few hours.

One day, Meowth was sitting with James, who was lying down in bed.

“I know you’re hot and uncomfortable, but it’s part of the pregnancy,” he said, stroking James’s hair.

“Meowth….I’m two weeks overdue so far. Maybe it lasts more than nine months,” James said.

Meowth hated to see James so miserable. He knew Moltres had chosen James because he was pure and a virgin, but James was so young. He was only eighteen.

Meowth had had plans for James and himself. He wanted to capture Pikachu and other Pokémon and sell them to the boss, get rich, quit, run off, and marry James and raise kittens with James.

He also sort of thought that fantasy was too good to happen and figured he would end up being a thug while James was pregnant and barefoot in a Team Rocket trailer near the jailhouse.

The reality was a lot like Meowth’s worst-case-scenario fantasy. They were living in a shack little bigger than a trailer. Meowth was a criminal and James was pregnant, but not barefoot.

“He wouldn’t want to be barefoot. Then we’d see his ankles,” Meowth thought.

James raised himself off the bed slowly.

“Where are you going?” Meowth asked.

“The bathroom,” James answered, limping towards the bathroom for a nice long cry.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you really love someone, you will learn to let them go and get impregnated by a mystical fire chicken spirit after reading a fortune-telling book.

my brain trolls me

me: I think this male character is intriguing and want to see how he and his companions would react in a variety of situations, so I'm going to write a fanfic and

my dumbass brain:

KNOCK HIM UP

KNOCK HIM UP

The Book of Moltres James: He's Going to Need Burn Heal for His Soul (the fourth and final fraction)

He'll probably also need burn heal for another part of his body, but I'm not going to say which one.

Parts of this story are....very 2002.

Part one

Part two

Part three

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge (especially when it comes to "natural medicine"); bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out of character moments for the twerps; Butch and Cassidy are probably out-of-character, too; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; bad ideas about romance; birthing scene; JAMES EATS THE PLACENTA (offscreen); ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, James found out something he really shouldn’t have to deal with in his condition.

He found out who had been driving the truck that hit Moltres.

He was at the convenience store with Jessie, buying diapers. There was no one in the store except for the girl working there and two old ladies.

Butch and Cassidy walked in. They saw James in the diaper section and couldn’t help tormenting him.

They didn’t know Jessie was nearby.

“So, James, how does it feel to not be a Moltres?” Cassidy said.

“Actually, you’re wrong. In the real fortune-telling book, I was still a Moltres. So how does it feel to know I don’t care about your insults?” James said.

“Well, you will care—after we tell you about the death of Moltres,” Butch said.

“What do you know or care about the death of Moltres?” James retorted.

“You know that truck that ran over Moltres? What was on the truck?” Cassidy said.

“A black ‘R’.”

“Haven’t you figured it out? We didn’t know until it happened. But we looked back and saw this giant yellow fiery chicken,” Butch said.

“You didn’t….” James said.

“Oh, yes, we did.”

“And you’re proud of it.” James’s tone was dark.

“Yeah, we sure are.” Cassidy laughed in James’s face.

Then Butch and Cassidy walked out, laughing evilly and somewhat hysterically. The two old ladies stared at them.

James was left in a state of shock. He paid for the diapers.

“Jessie, we have to leave the store, now,” James said. He saw Butch and Cassidy hanging around outside.

“Why? What’s the rush?” Jessie said.

“We just have to.”

Jessie thought Officer Jenny was there, or James was about to go into labor, so she followed James out.

“Where are you going?” said a froggy voice.

They turned around and saw Butch and Cassidy. Jessie realized why James wanted to leave.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Trying to run away. That’s not very Moltres-like,” Cassidy said.

“And what were you doing in the diaper aisle? Do you wear diapers?” Butch said.

“Wait, he doesn’t. But I bet he and Meowth got together and did it and the kitten needs it!” Cassidy said.

“I knew you looked like you gained weight,” Butch teased.

James turned red.

“Leave him alone. Does he really need you to deal with? He lost Moltres and he’s going to have a baby. Don’t you think you should just piss off?” Jessie turned to James. “Let’s go.”

“Coward!” Cassidy screamed.

Jessie turned around. “Who are you calling a coward?!”

James tugged on Jessie’s shirt sleeve. “Jess, we should go.”

They got in their unmarked van and drove away.

“They ran over Moltres,” James said flatly.

“They did?!”

James nodded solemnly.

They were silent.

“Why does Cassidy have to be such a bitch? Like, who does she think she is, insulting you like that—”

“Jessie….”

“What is her problem? She needs to just shut the fuck up.”

“Jessie….”

“Maybe I should give her a good beating next time she does that.”

“Jessie! I think it’s time!” James cried out.

Jessie sped up. “We’ll be home in a second,” she said.

They got to the cabin. Jessie got out the van. “Can you walk?” she asked James.

“I think so….” James got out of the van and doubled over.

“You can’t walk,” Jessie said.

She tried to help James, but he resisted. “I want to do it myself,” he said.

Jessie ignored him. She picked him up and went into the cabin. She put him down on the bed. Meowth walked in.

“What’s wrong with James?” he asked, sounding worried.

“He’s in labor. Call the doctor,” Jessie said.

She went back to James. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” James was almost in tears.

“Maybe the doctor could give you some painkillers when he gets here.”

“No, Jessie.”

Jessie looked at James. “You don’t want painkillers?”

“I’ve never needed any unnatural medicine in my life.”

“What?”

“Not all medicine is man-made, Jessie. Most of it is made out of plants. But I’ve only taken medicine that has no chemicals in it.”

“What about the times when there wasn’t any natural medicine?” Jessie said.

James’s eyes glazed over. “I managed without it.”

Jessie remembered all the times she called James weird for running out to get all those weird plants. She wouldn’t help him find the plants because she was working on their plans. Meowth, who thought dandelions were flowers, wouldn’t have been very helpful. So James had to go out alone and find the plants himself, while he was in pain. If he didn’t find the plant he needed, he would just come back and suffer. Meowth would try to comfort James, but Jessie made them both work, so they hardly had any time to rest.

If Jessie had known James was so uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have teased him.

“Natural medicine is better for him anyway.”

Both Jessie and James turned to the door to see who spoke. It was the same doctor who gave James the check-up.

The doctor went over to James, who was having another contraction. “Just breathe,” he said.

James was breathing, but it sounded more like sobbing.

“All right, you’re ready to push!” the doctor said.

Meanwhile, the twerps heard a scream.

“What was that?” Misty said, scared.

“I think it was a scream,” Brock said.

They ran, following the screaming.

Back at the cabin, James was experiencing childbirth.

“You’re almost there! I can see the head. Now, just push really, really hard this time!” the doctor said.

James screamed and pushed. That last push did it.

“Congratulations!” the doctor said. Everyone heard the baby cry.

James cried. “I wish Moltres was here to see his child.”

Unknown to James and the others, a yellow-clad figure with red-streaked yellow hair floated outside the window.

“Worry not, James,” the figure said mentally. “I did.”

James got the telepathic message and looked toward the window. The figure smiled at him. The next thing James knew, the figure turned into the spirit of Moltres and flew off. James’s eyes filled with tears of joy as he held his child.

The doctor went into the other room to talk to Jessie and Meowth. James sat in bed, feeding the child from his breast.

Team Twerp had watched the whole thing through the window.

“What the hell?!” Ash screamed.

“Shut up, Ash! He’ll hear you,” Misty said.

James looked up. “What are you twerps doing here?”

“James….What did you just do?” Misty asked.

Ash climbed through the window.

“Take another step and I’ll slap you with the umbilical cord.” James’s tone was dark and ominous.

“James, please don’t tell me you just gave birth to the child you’re holding,” Misty said.

“Fine. I won’t tell you.”

“I don’t think you should become a parent,” Ash said. “Maybe you should give the child up.”

“You’ll get this child when you pry her from my cold dead arms.”

“Who’s even the father?”

“Why would you care?”

The doctor came back in. “Who are these three?” he asked.

“No one important,” James said.

“Did he really give birth to that child?” Misty asked.

“Yes. I helped him,” the doctor said.

“Maybe you three should go now,” Meowth said.

The twerps left.

“You should get some rest. You’ve been through a lot today,” Jessie said to James.

James put the child in a basket.

“He’ll be a good Moltres Witness,” Meowth said.

“It’s a girl. Her name is Twilight,” James said.

The doctor took out a dried plant, a pestle, and a mortar. He ground the plant up and mixed it with water.

“Here, drink this. It’ll help get rid of the pain,” he said.

James drank the potion.

“Natural medicine never fails to do its job. It lasts longer than synthetic medicine,” the doctor said. “And I saved the placenta. You can eat it for strength later.”

“No wonder you was always so healthy,” Meowth said.

They were silent for a while. James finished drinking the medicine.

“I just realized something,” James said. He must’ve been feeling better. “I don’t think I can fit into my Moltres costume.”

Everyone but James face-faulted.

“Well, at least I can lose weight by catching Pokémon,” he continued.

“You can’t, at least, not yet. You should try not to do anything that physical for six weeks.”

“Six whole weeks?” James exclaimed.

“Six to eight weeks. And you should try to stay off your feet.”

James lay back down, sighing.

“Get some rest, James,” Meowth said, tucking James back into bed.

Then the doctor left and James went to sleep.

-O-o-O-

James sat, nursing the tiny blue-haired baby.

He loved his daughter, Twilight. “If only Moltres could see her….”

He suddenly got the urge to look at the window.

He looked and saw the spirit of Moltres, in human form.

“Hello, James,” Moltres said.

“Moltres! You’re here!” James cried.

He went over to the window.

Moltres noticed Twilight. “Is she our child?” he asked.

“Yes,” James said.

“She’s beautiful. Just like her man-mother,” Moltres said.

“Look, Twilight, this is your father,” James said, showing Twilight to Moltres, but not in a Michael Jackson-ish way.

“Now you don’t have to be sad about her not knowing her father,” Moltres said. He hugged James. “I must go now. Goodbye, James.”

“Goodbye, Moltres.”

-O-o-O-

Epilogue (editor's note: PRAISE THE MIGHTY MOLTRES THIS SHIT IS ENDING)

Jessie, James, Meowth, and Twilight live happily in their new house.

Jessie, James, and Meowth got a new job where they get paid $1,000 a week so they have money to buy a small house. They all quit Team Rocket to set a good example for Twilight.

The twerps are not at war with Team Rocket anymore. They live next door to Jessie, James, and Meowth and visit them regularly.

Butch and Cassidy will probably feel the flames of Moltres and not in a good way.

James still goes to the temple of Moltres. He takes Twilight there, so she knows how great her father was.

James is an official Moltres Witness convert. He hopes Twilight will follow in her parents’ footsteps.

And as for Moltres, well, he’s out there. Moltres may just be reincarnated. James was never sure of that.

But he’s bound to find out!

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Eat the placenta.

E A T ~ I T ~ F O R ~ S T R E N G T H

Giovanni Is Just the Worst Boss (part two)

The conclusion. I put warnings for the really bad stuff in the tags as well as the preamble.

Part one is here.

Content Warnings: Abuse; workplace violence; misunderstanding of medical issues and injuries; Giovanni on crack; Giovanni says the r slur; workplace sexual abuse; death and rape threat and mention; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic

-O-o-O-o-O-

That night, James cooked dinner without a word. Not that that was strange. Even if he wasn’t talking, he would usually be smiling.

But he wasn’t.

I could’ve sworn I saw him wipe away tears.

After dinner, Jessie and I got James and sat him down on the couch. We were going to have a nice, long talk about why he was injured five times in a row.

“Okay. Spill it. Why were you injured five times in a row? How did you get those injuries? Why did you—”

I cut Jessie off. “You can’t just start firing a million questions in his face. Give him a chance to answer,” I said.

“All right. James, how did you get those injuries?” Jessie asked.

“I was hurt,” James said quietly.

“By whom?”

“I….I can’t say.”

“I’m just going to keep asking until I get an answer.”

“Don’t you think maybe he’s afraid to say?” I asked.

“Please, Meowth. He’d only be afraid to say if the boss was hurting him,” Jessie said.

I saw James looked scared. “James? Was it the boss?” I asked. “Has he been abusing you?”

James nodded and started to cry quietly.

“Why were you hiding it?” I asked.

“The boss said that he’d know if I’d told anyone because either I wouldn’t show up or you guys would go to his office,” James said through his tears.

“We can’t send you back there,” Jessie said.

“But he’ll know I told you and he’ll kill us all,” James said.

“But we can’t let him abuse you like this,” I said. “Maybe you could go in and we could stand out of sight if you need backup.”

“That’s a good idea!” Jessie said. James managed a small smile.

Operation Peek-a-boo was underway.

-O-o-O-

One thing got in the way of our plan. James got sick the next day.

We panicked. James, who was in no condition to panic, passed out. I wiped cold water on his face until he woke up.

“What are we going to do?” Jessie said.

James just said, “Don’t worry. I wasn’t feeling well for the past two days and I think I’m getting over it.”

Then how come you can barely stand up, I thought.

James still had to go to the boss’s office. We couldn’t stay out of sight because one of us had to stay with James in case he fainted. Lucky for us, the boss was drunk.

Actually, it wasn’t that lucky because the boss could’ve had a fit.

I went in with James. The boss threw an empty beer bottle at James. It hit James and fell on the floor.

We were lucky it didn’t shatter.

The boss took out a crackpipe and started smoking it. James hid behind a door. I followed.

“Hey, what are you hiding for?” the boss yelled. “Get out here, you retarded boy.”

James walked out there. I couldn’t believe he was letting the boss mistreat him like that. The boss touched James in some places that he shouldn’t. The boss must’ve been on drugs. He poked James in his nethers. I jumped out, in front of James.

The boss touched the red flag area. I wasn’t about to let him get away with it.

-O-o-O-

“What are you doing!” the boss yelled. He was coughing smoke from the crackpipe in James’s face.

I scratched the boss across his face. I helped James by jumping up and breaking the crackpipe. We both ran out of there.

Jessie saw us and started running, too. We all ran back to the cabin.

James collapsed on the bed as soon as we got in. His face as completely drained, except for a red flush. His breathing was unsteady. I knew his condition had gotten worse than it was in the morning.

I helped James into bed and gave him medicine. He was able to think more clearly and was stronger by the end of the day.

James’s sickness aside, Operation Peek-a-boo was a success.

-O-o-O-

We ended up running away after that. The boss was so drunk or on crack, he probably didn’t care.

I hope he dies from a hangover.

James didn’t get abused by the boss anymore. The boss said he was too ugly to rape.

The boss has bad vision if he thinks James is ugly. Or maybe that’s just how drunk or on crack he is.

Anyway, to make a long (about three more chapters) story short, we started camping out again. We have the unmarked van.

Everything worked out.

As if we planned it.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Giovanni's power is stored in his crackpipe. Break it and you break his hypnotic hold on your teammate/possible love interest (whose feet you get weird about at the wrong time).

silly headcanon time

The Lord of Light, R'hllor, sometimes manifests as a Moltres. If James had really stuck with the Moltres thing, he could've become the Johto Melisandre.

James and Meowth Do A Fluffy Experiment

That last story was a bit of a downer. I'm posting a fluffy fic this time around.

This fic contains:  Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; lack of medical knowledge; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; odd ideas about romance; Dr. Fuji is miraculously alive somehow; unusual usage of words at times

-O-o-O-o-O-

Meowth went into the bedroom. It had been a long day and he just wanted to sit around and watch TV. Team Rocket’s latest plan failed. That little twerp, Ash, sent them blasting off again.

Meowth heard James come in.

James was the one reason Meowth stayed with Team Rocket. Meowth secretly loved James.

He saw James walk into the bedroom. He looked at James’s long, graceful legs.

James saw Meowth and smiled at him. It was a sort of small, shy smile. James had been shy around Meowth lately.

James got in bed. Meowth didn’t blame him for wanting to go to bed. It was 11:00 PM and James had gotten up at 6:00 AM that day.

Jessie came in. “Where’s James?” she asked.

“He’s in bed,” Meowth said.

“Okay, then. I won’t wake him up.” Jessie left.

Meowth sat, watching James sleep. He thought of kissing him in his sleep, but then he thought, “That’s not right.”

“Someday, I’ll tell him I love him,” Meowth vowed.

-O-o-O-

James got up, got dressed, and fixed breakfast.

He sat and waited for Meowth and Jessie to get up.

Meowth walked into the kitchen.

James felt like kissing Meowth. He was madly in love with Meowth. If James were also a cat, he would want to have Meowth’s kittens.

Little did he know, he’d get the chance.

After everyone had come to breakfast and eaten, they got a call from Team Rocket labs. They wanted to see James and Meowth.

They went to the labs. Jessie had come with them, but she wasn’t allowed to come in. She had to wait in the lobby.

James and Meowth went into the room where Dr. Fuji was waiting. He gave them a pill.

“Here. This is for our new experiment. James, you take this pill. Meowth, you have sexual intercourse with James. We’re trying to see if humans can have Pokémon offspring,” Dr. Fuji explained.

James was nervous, but happy. He would get to sleep with Meowth, and possibly confess his love to him!

James didn’t think the pill would actually work.

Meowth was happy. Maybe James would see how much he loved him while they were having sex.

They went home.

“What did he want to talk to you about?” Jessie asked.

“He wanted us to do an experiment to see if humans can have babies with Pokémon,” Meowth said.

“That’s weird, but okay. Which one of you is going to take the pill?”

“I am,” James said.

Jessie knew James had a crush on Meowth and Meowth had a crush on James.

“Good luck,” Jessie said.

“Thanks,” James said.

-O-o-O-

It was 9:00 PM. Meowth was waiting for James to get ready to do the experiment.

James was in the bathroom, staring at the pill in the bag. He wasn’t sure he wanted to do this.

“James, are you in there?” Jessie asked.

“Yes,” James said softly.

“What are you doing in there?”

“Taking the pill.”

“Are you almost finished?”

“No, I haven’t taken it yet.”

“Why not? Are you all right in there?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

James opened the door a crack. Jessie could see he had been crying.

“I can’t do this, Jessie. I’m too nervous,” James said.

“You’ll get over it,” Jessie said.

“I’m afraid of what will happen. I know it’s unlikely, but what if it works? Meowth will think I’m a slut and—”

“James, why would he think you’re a slut if he did it to you? You can do this. Meowth is in there, waiting for you. I bet he’s probably nervous, too. But you’ll do just fine with this experiment.”

James smiled. “Thanks, Jess.”

“You should take that pill and confess your love to Meowth.”

James took the pill and went into the bedroom.

“Are you ready?” Meowth asked.

“I guess,” James said.

James got into bed with Meowth.

“James, I really love you. If this experiment works, I will be there for you all the way,” Meowth said.

“I-I love you, too,” James said shyly.

There was an awkward silence.

“What if it doesn’t work?” James asked.

“Then we’ll have better luck next time,” Meowth said.

This puzzled James, but then Meowth said, “Let’s do this.”

James smiled shyly at Meowth. He forgot about his nervousness.

Meowth deflowered James for the rest of the night.

-O-o-O-

James woke up quietly the next morning.

“Was that all a dream?” he thought.

He saw Meowth in bed next to him and realized it wasn’t a dream.

He didn’t know what time they had to report back to the lab, but he was sure he had to do it that day.

“Meowth, wake up,” James whispered.

“Huh? What’s happening?” Meowth was still half asleep.

“Do we have to go to the lab anytime soon today?” James asked.

“I don’t know,” Meowth said.

Their phone rang. James got out of bed and answered it.

“Hello?” he said.

“James, you and Meowth have to report to the lab soon,” Dr. Fuji said.

“Okay, we’re on our way,” James said.

After they hung up, James and Meowth got washed up and dressed really fast. They told Jessie where they were going and went out the door. They got to the lab five minutes early.

“James, come in here for your test,” Dr. Fuji said.

James went in. When he came out, they were analyzing the results.

“James, Meowth, we have your test results now,” Dr. Fuji said.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: "Deflowered" doesn't mean what you seem to think it means, thirteen!me. Also, Dr. Fuji is dead. You should know this.

Level Nineteen and Pregnant: A Pokémon crackfic

For a change, here's a recent fic. Hopefully, it's not a badfic.

Of course, it contains blueshipping and mpreg. And TMI from Meowth.

-O-o-O-o-O-

James fidgeted on top of the toilet lid, but kept his eyes locked on the plastic stick in his hands. The suspense was worse than waiting for a blastoff. "Has it been a minute yet?"

Meowth checked the stopwatch. "Not even close." He glanced up at James. "Jimmy, don'tcha know a watched pee stick never turns?"

James's gaze never shifted. "That only applies to pots. Besides, I want to see the exact second the blue line appears."

Meowth scratched his head. "What difference does that make?"

James pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Maybe the speed at which it appears will indicate whether or not this test is even reliable." He sighed. "I really don't want to tell HQ's doctors about this."

Meowth reread the test's packaging. "It does say 'Ninety-nine percent more accurate than other brands.'" He blinked at the tagline. "Maybe I shoulda swiped some of those other brands."

James shook his head, as if to clear it. "The clerks would want to know what a Pokémon wanted with human pregnancy tests. We'll work with the one we've got." He hazarded a glance at the stopwatch. "Has it been a minute yet?"

Meowth checked and shook his head. "Thirty seconds left."

"What is taking you so long—oh." Jessie stopped short when she saw the box in Meowth's paws. "This certainly complicates our mission."

"Tell me something I don't know." James fidgeted again, then sat up straight. "It's changing! How much time is left?"

The beeping of the stopwatch was his answer. Meowth was on his shoulder in seconds. "What's it say?"

James squinted at the test's screen. "It's….half a blue line? That can't be right." He skimmed the instruction sheet. "Thin line, thick line, two lines, no lines—they say nothing about half-lines!"

Meowth examined the test. "Maybe this one's defective." He put the test down.

Jessie grabbed the test and examined it further. "I don't see any signs of damage. Are you sure you followed all the instructions?"

"Positive," James said. "I peed all over the blasted thing!"

Jessie dropped the test as fast as she'd picked it up. "If only Meowth were that thorough about Poké-protection."

"Hey! I double-bagged my meat," Meowth protested.

Jessie glared. "Mew damn it, Meowth! You're not supposed to use two condoms at once!"

"You're not?!" both Meowth and James asked, surprised.

"Not unless you want them to tear from rubbing together." Jessie gave an annoyed sigh. "This is why we need Sex Ed as part of Team Rocket training."

James squinted at the half line again—had it lengthened?— and asked, "So, Jess, could I be half-pregnant?"

Jessie only face-palmed. "Let me see those instructions."

While she read the instruction sheet, Meowth mused over his newfound knowledge. "Come to think of it, maybe I got the wrong kind." He looked up at Jessie. "Do they come in different sizes?"

"Of course," Jessie said. "Some pocket rockets blast off further than others."

"And some have a French tickler head," Meowth boasted. James gave a weak nervous laugh.

"Too much information, Meowth." Jessie continued to read through the instructions. "You dingbats, you're supposed to wait two minutes for it to work, not one!"

"Mew's Tongue," James swore before sliding off the toilet to vomit into it. Jessie went to hold his hair back.

"I guess we don't need that test anymore," Meowth said.

"He could just be nervous. Two minutes have probably passed by now. Go check the test," Jessie told him.

Meowth picked the test up and looked at the screen. The line had lengthened to reach the other end of the screen. "Well, there's the thick blue line."

Both Jessie and James's shoulders sagged. "Seriously?"

"As blue as James's hair."

James wiped his mouth. "It's lavender."

-O-o-O-o-O-

Blueshipping, why can't I quit you?

I could've written so many shitty songfics

I found a list of songs I made as a teenager. It is titled "Blueshipping Soundtrack."

Some of the songs had a star beside them. They are:

I'm With You by Avril Lavigne

The Glory of Love by A Newfound Glory

All You Wanted by Michelle Branch

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

Song For the Lonely by Cher

I can't for the life of me remember why I starred those particular entries.

edit: I remembered

anyway, thanks for coming by while I yell on the street corner

memory from a never written fic just unlocked

Imagine "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls plays while Meowth and James stare angstily and lovingly into each other's eyes in the pouring rain after a rough blastoff. Then they kiss

key detail: irises (the flower) are very close to James's hair color

The Angsty Domestic Life of Team Rocket: WTFcats (part one of three)

And we're back in the dark. Or at least a passing shadow. This starts off with standard-issue angst, then veers into what-the-fuckery toward the second chapter.

Also, so many unexplained talking Meowth OCs. WHY.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (this time with an OC talking Meowth); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; workplace violence; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; general angst; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; original characters; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; odd ideas about romance

-O-o-O-o-O-

The Meowth kitten packed her things. She wanted to get as far away from that place as she could. Her parents got blasted into the troposphere almost every day, her younger brother cried almost nonstop, wanting his man-mother, and she was considered a freak of nature.

The Meowth kitten’s name was Methidy. She was an unusual kitten. Her parents were a male Meowth and a human male. They were testing out a drug for Team Rocket scientists. The drug could make humans produce Pokémon offspring. The experiment worked and she and her younger brother, Methoni, were the results of it.

She looked unusual for a Meowth kitten, too. Instead of having grey eyes and cream-colored fur like her father, she had green eyes and bluish violet hair like her mother.

No matter how much her parents, James and another talking Meowth, said that the blue fur was pretty, their teammate Jessie always said, “It’s still pretty freaky.”

Methidy knew her parents loved her. But she just couldn’t stay in that hellhole any longer.

-O-o-O-

The next day, James found a note on his dresser. When he read it, he passed out.

When he came to, Matalico, his boyfriend (another talking Meowth), and Meowth were sitting next to him, wiping his face with a wet rag.

“I read the note, James,” Matalico said.

“What did the note say?” Meowth asked.

James gave Meowth the note. It read:

“Dear Mom and Dad:

I’m leaving the house. I can’t stand to be here anymore. It’s too painful with Jessie calling me a freak. I’ll send you an address and phone number when I find a place to live.

Your daughter, Methidy. P.S. I love you both.”

“This is just plain sad. I hope we can find her,” Meowth said.

“Why are our children growing up to be like me? I don’t want them to have to go through all of what I did,” James said between sobs.

“They’re like you because you had them and raised them. It’s just hereditary. Besides, you managed. Maybe Methidy will, too,” Matalico said.

“At least we know she still loves us,” James said.

-O-o-O-

Later that day, Methoni said his first words.

“Run away,” Methoni said quietly.

“Matalico! Methoni’s talking!” James cried.

Matalico ran over to the two.

“Run away,” the kitten repeated slightly more loudly.

Then he ran in circles saying, “Run away!” over and over again.

When he finally stopped, James picked him up and cradled him, with tears in his eyes.

“Even Methoni wants to leave,” he sobbed.

Matalico kind of felt guilty for being so proud of Methoni’s first words. James put his whole heart into being a parent and what did he get? Two kittens who just seem to want to run away.

Methoni didn’t really want to run away. He had just heard that phrase so often, he memorized it.

He would stick around when things got really bad.

-O-o-O-

One day, Team Rocket got a call from Giovanni.

When Matalico got off the phone, he looked so serious, James was shocked.

“They don’t need me anymore. So….they’re going to kill me,” Matalico said.

James was so shocked, he couldn’t even cry.

“But, Matalico….We need you….” James whispered.

“But they don’t.”

“They can’t!”

“Yes, they can. I’m no longer useful to them, James,” Matalico said.

The cruelty was enough to kill James, but somehow, it didn’t.

The next day, Team Rocket thugs came and took Matalico. An hour later, they threw his snow-covered body at the door of the cabin as James opened the door.

James screamed and cried as if he was being tortured, which he basically was. He couldn’t see how he could go on without Matalico.

Then things took a turn for the worse.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Go ahead, make your characters' names start with "Meth." You won't cringe half to death when you reread it twenty years later.

plot twist: this is also a sims blog

I made Team Rocket in sims 4.

This cabin was all they could afford. It has the following lot traits: Creepy Crawlies, Cursed, Filthy, Gremlins, Off-the-Grid, Spooky, Vampire Nexus, Good Soil.

At least James won't have trouble keeping his garden.

In this world, they've left Team Rocket and are laying low in the small town of Willow Creek.

Somewhere in their cross-dimensional journey from anime to Simworld, Meowth ended up being split into two separate entities: a human form and a cat form.

They're dressed like that because it's cold out.

"Are you sure they won't find us here, Jess?" (James's traits: Goofball, Geek, Squeamish, Collector; Aspiration: Freelance Botany)

"Just try to act normal and they'll never suspect a thing." (Jessie's traits: Hot-headed, Ambitious, Self-Absorbed, Gregarious; Aspiration: Leader of the Pack)

Meanwhile, human Meowth has already racked up a debuff from playing with fire. (Human Meowth's traits: Cat Lover, Erratic, Outgoing, Dastardly; Aspiration: Chief of Mischief)

Kitty Meowth would face-palm if he could. (Kitty Meowth's traits: Talkative, Free Spirit, Clever)

An aerial view of their cabin. Note the lack of an indoor toilet (that's what that large bush is for).

And the curse on the lot claims its first victim. Apparently, some angry ghost is playing with a James-shaped voodoo doll and wants to spread the rage. He stomped around pouting like this for a while.

He also kicked over his own trashcan.

Nice job, lol.

He cleaned it back up. Kitty Meowth fought small animals in their toilet bush and left them a present (feathers).

The welcome wagon showed up. They brought the dreaded fruitcake.

Jessie has the hidden trait that makes your Sims actually get a positive moodlet from fruitcake, because of course she does.

James and Meowth are not so lucky. (also nobody tells Kitty Meowth to stay off the furniture because it's futile)

Kitty Meowth sits on the counter. Where they cook.

James has a cat toy.

Travis Scott seriously questions volunteering to be in the welcome wagon that day.

a fanfic dream I had

A black and red tombstone carved with eldritch symbols. Somehow, I could read the epitaph and it said:

"Here lies the ashes of Darkonogoth, a most powerful and dastardly demon. Drove Giovanni, High Priest of the Rocket Cult to utter madness. Reigned over a dark army of ghost Pokémon with Lord Commander Jessica Romanov at its helm. Sired several demonspawn on Warlock James, whom he considered little more than his magical mortal plaything. Ultimately defeated by a modified shitpost spell at the hands of a talking Meowth."

The Angsty Domestic Life of Team Rocket: Return of the Kitten (part three of three)

The conclusion. Things are calmer compared to James's fever dream in the last section. That isn't really saying much, though.

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (this time with an OC talking Meowth); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; general angst; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; original characters; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; bad ideas about romance; Doctor Proctor mention (that guy was a crap doctor); Star Wars cat ghost dad

-O-o-O-o-O-

Six hours later, James was still in the bathroom.

“He’s been in there an awful long time,” Jessie said.

“I hope he’s all right,” Meowth said.

Jessie went to the bathroom door. “James, are you in there?”

“Yes,” James answered.

“What are you doing in there?”

“Nothing.”

“I know you’re not doing just ‘nothing’ in there. Meowth said he heard you throwing up.”

“I’m okay now.”

Jessie went back into the living room. After she and Meowth talked, they decided to take James to Doctor Proctor.

-O-o-O-

Jessie and Meowth sat in the waiting room. They hoped nothing was wrong with James.

James came out.

“What did the doctor say?” Meowth said.

“We can go home now,” James said.

“That’s what he said?” Jessie said.

“I’ll tell you what he said when we get home,” James said.

Nobody said a word during the ride home.

The ride home seemed to last forever to Jessie and Meowth, partly because they really wanted to hear what the doctor said and partly because James was driving ten miles per hour. They also had to stop a few times to take care of Methoni, who was too young to be left at home alone.

When they finally got home, Jessie and Meowth couldn’t stand the suspense any longer.

“What did the doctor tell you? Is anything wrong?” Jessie asked.

“He said I’m pregnant again,” James said.

“Who’s the father?” Meowth asked.

“Matalico is the father. We did it just before we found out they were going to kill him,” James said.

Methoni had just woken up. “What happened?” he asked.

James forced a smile. “Guess what? You’re going to get a younger sibling,” he said gently.

“What’s a sibling?” Methoni asked.

“A sibling is a brother or sister,” James said.

“Yay! I’m gonna get a sibling!” Methoni said. He ran to the bedroom, cheering.

“He’s so happy. If only he could have his father and sister,” James said sadly.

This made Jessie feel guilty.

“I’m sorry I ever called Methidy those things! I didn’t think it would hurt her that badly! Now she’s run away and it’s all my fault!” she said.

“It’s okay. She’ll write to me and I’ll tell her you’re sorry,” James said.

-O-o-O-

It took nine weeks for a kitten to grow.

Skipping to the fourth week, James was getting mood swings and cravings.

Jessie and Meowth could only stare at James when they saw him eating weird food.

As for his mood swings, they could get weird at times. For example, they were watching TV when a telephone commercial came on. It happened to be a romantic commercial, too. James saw it and burst into tears.

“James! What’s wrong?” Meowth was worried.

“It’s just so romantic. It reminds me of Matalico,” James said, wiping tears.

They were silent for a while until they heard James gasp.

“What is it?” Jessie asked.

James looked blissfully happy. “The kitten just moved.”

“That’s wonderful!” Meowth said.

Methoni, who was sitting quietly and watching the TV, jumped up and ran to James’s side to feel him. Jessie and Meowth watched as James explained what was happening to Methoni.

“He’s actually a better mother than my mom was,” Jessie said.

“It’s so sad the boss had to hurt the family like that,” Meowth thought to himself.

But James handled it.

-O-o-O-

James was nine weeks pregnant. He was only a little bigger (Meowth kittens were smaller than human babies), but he still wore maternity clothes. Methoni, Meowth, and Jessie were really curious to see how the kitten would turn out.

While James was waiting for the kitten, he was also waiting for a letter from Methidy.

One day, he got that letter. It said:

“Dear Mom and Dad (and Methoni),

I found a place to live. It’s really close to where you live. The address is 666th street, House 13.

How are Jessie and Meowth?

Love, Methidy.”

James’s eyes filled with tears. Meowth saw James crying.

“What’s wrong, James? Why are you crying?” he asked.

“I just got a letter from Methidy,” James said. He wiped away tears.

“What does it say?” Meowth asked.

“She gave an address.” James handed him the letter.

Meowth read the letter.

“Hey, that’s only two blocks away,” he said.

“Do you think I should go over there and get her?” James said.

“I don’t know. I think we should ask her first,” Meowth said.

James went into the bedroom to lie down and think about it. Meowth followed him.

Suddenly, James sat straight up. “Meowth….” He started.

“Yes, James?” Meowth said.

“I think my water broke,” James said calmly.

Meowth ran to call the doctor. Jessie kept Methoni out of the bedroom.

About two hours after the doctor came, James gave birth to a Meowth kitten. It was a girl. She had cream-colored fur and bright green eyes.

James was crying. The kitten’s green eyes looked exactly like Methidy’s eyes.

“I wish Methidy could see her new baby sister and how much Methoni has grown up,” James sobbed.

“I can,” a voice said.

James looked up. Standing in the doorway, next to Jessie was Methidy.

“Oh my gods….” James began to cry again.

Methidy walked over to James. They both hugged.

Matalico’s spirit was floating outside the window.

“I knew she’d come back someday,” he said to himself.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you're going to run away, try to get further than two blocks.

Jessie Drugs James and Is Generally Abusive: Jessie Evolves Into a Poison Type Pokémon (part two of four)

Another installment of "Reasons I'm Glad I Instinctively Had a 'Lurk More' Mentality as a Kid." Featuring "What the Fuck Was Up with Twelve!me?"

Part one is here.

Content Warning: First-person mixed points-of-view; abuse; workplace violence; questionable depiction of medical issues and injuries; possibly uncomfortable discussions of romance; angst over romantic orientation that might hit too close to home; poisoning by chemicals or drugging; forcible injection; sexual abuse; suicidal ideation; attempted murder plot; Pokémon/Human romantic (maybe?) relationship; out-of-character behavior for James and Meowth; absolute character assassination of Jessie; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic (this isn't even the worst of it)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth's point of view)

Lately, I noticed James acting differently. When he was around Jessie, he wouldn't look at her or talk to her. If she talked to him, he'd burst into silent, but violent tears.

Then one day, he asked me for advice about something that surprised me, but sort of didn't. This was probably the bravest thing James did because he was so shy about romance.

"Meowth? What do I do if….I-I love another boy?" James asked.

"What?" I said.

"I'm in love with another boy," James said softly.

"Who?" I asked. James looked away suddenly. He was probably afraid to say it. "Okay, you don't have to tell me."

"I don't know how it started. I can't even remember when it started." James managed to say this and then broke down into tears.

"I don't even want to have these feelings," James sobbed. "I don't want to fall in love."

"Why don't you want to fall in love?" I asked.

"What if the person I'm in love with hates me? What if they think there's something horribly wrong with me for falling in love with them? What if they abuse me? What if they act like I'm not there? And if I get married, what if they make me do….forbidden things with them?" James began wiping away tears again.

"But don't you want to be happy when you're in love?" I asked.

"I won't be happy if I'm in love! I'm not ready to fall in love. I just want to take care of you," James said.

"Are there any other reasons why you don't want to fall in love?" I asked.

"I-I'm still afraid of being tied to someone," James whispered.

I could understand why. With all that Jessiebelle put him through, no wonder James was afraid of romance.

I didn't blame him for fearing love.

-O-o-O-

Another very unexpected thing happened. It frightened me.

It also proved how crazy Jessie was.

James was sitting in the tent. Jessie came in with a medicine cup. It was filled halfway. The liquid in it was a weird cream-colored white.

"Meowth, go outside," Jessie said.

"Why?" I asked.

"James and I have business," she said.

I went outside. What business could Jessie have with James?

I saw a small opening I could look through. I peeked in and didn't believe what I saw.

James was holding the medicine cup and eyeing it suspiciously.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Your medicine. What else?" Jessie acted like James was on drugs or something.

"I'm not on any medication," James said.

"Just drink it."

"No."

I must've tuned out because I heard a cry from James.

"Get off me! Stop it! I don't want it!" James yelled.

Jessie was sexually abusing James!

Jessie stuck the needle full of liquid in James's arm. James fell unconscious.

As soon as Jessie left, I went in to see James.

"Wake up," I said softly. James didn't move.

"Wake up," I said loudly. James still didn't move.

"Wake up, James! Say something!" I was crying and yelling.

James opened his eyes. He looked sad and serious. He almost looked hurt.

"So it was Jessie, wasn't it, Meowth?" James said. His voice was breaking and he sounded like he was going to cry.

"Yes," I said.

I wished I hadn't said that because James began to cry quietly. I hated to see James so unhappy.

The fact that it was Jessie who was hurting him made it worse.

-O-o-O-

I was coming out of the tent the day after the "medicine" incident. James wasn't in his sleeping bag, so I decided to look for him. I found him sitting near the river.

He was picking off the petals of a rose. I could hear him saying, "He loves me, he loves me not."

When he picked off the last petal, he said, "He loves me not." He sighed sadly and threw away the stem.

After a while, James shuddered violently. He looked into the river at his reflection.

"I'm such a failure. I don't blame Jessie for trying to drug some sense into me," he whispered. I could hear the tears in his voice. "I should end it now."

"Don't do it!" I yelled. I ran over to James, crying. I hugged him. "Don't kill yourself. Don't do it. I love you."

James hugged me back. I was crying with my mouth open, so I got to taste James's tears. They were weirdly sweet.

Just like James.

When we finished crying, I looked at James. I never realized how beautiful he was before. His silky hair was a rare violet color. For some reason, a thin clump of hair hung down in front of his face, which was so cute. His green eyes shone like emeralds. He was slender with delicate hands and feet. His skin was smooth and soft against my fur.

I envied the boy he loved.

(James's point of view)

The next day was the day everything went wrong.

Jessie told Meowth to get out of the tent. Meowth obeyed.

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I always got that feeling when I was alone with Jessie. I wished Meowth wasn't so obedient sometimes.

Jessie handed a bottle to me. It had black liquid in it.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Poison. Put it in Meowth's food. Pour half of it in," Jessie said.

I swallowed so I wouldn't throw up.

"Will it kill him?" I asked.

"Of course it will! It wouldn't be poison if it didn't," Jessie said.

"Will he notice?" I managed to say.

"He'll die in his sleep," Jessie said.

That night, before I cooked dinner, I was driving myself crazy about it. When I left the camp, Jessie asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get some firewood," I said.

I was out of Jessie's sight. I was about to go look for the firewood when I remembered I had the bottle of poison in my pocket.

I looked at the bottle in a daze. I couldn't kill Meowth. But I didn't want to go against Jessie's orders. I decided to dump the poison out secretly.

I knelt down and dug a small hole, about the size of Meowth. Then I got a disturbing thought.

What if I drank the poison?

I opened the bottle. The poison smelled awful, worse than the cleaning liquid. I couldn't do it. I poured the poison into the hole I dug. I'm not suicidal and I'm not a killer.

I put a rock in the hole and buried it. I used another rock as a marker.

At dinner, Meowth was quiet. Did he know what Jessie wanted me to do? Meowth didn't look scared. He looked worried.

Good, I thought. He doesn't need to be scared.

I do.

When we went to bed, Jessie asked me where the poison bottle was. I handed her the empty bottle.

"Good. It'll work better since you used all of it," she said.

I couldn't sleep. I really wasn't feeling well after lying to Jessie. I decided to run away with Meowth and turn Jessie in to a mental institution.

I set my alarm for 2:00 AM.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Meowth picks the worst times to have romantic thoughts. Also, he likes the taste of James's tears.

James's Special Delivery: James Conquers His Fear of Marriage with Meowth (part three of three)

"There once were Pokémon that married people. There once were people who married Pokémon."

I bet none of them had to worry about ending up in a sappily written mpreg. Or having their kid's name start with "Meth."

Part one

Part two

This fic contains:  Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; lack of medical and scientific knowledge; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; odd ideas about romance; unusual pillow talk; Meowth lingers on James's feet again; ridiculously easy resolutions to problems; attempts to rehabilitate James’s mother (she totally approved of Jessiebelle’s bullshit she deserves no mercy); both James and Meowth eat the placenta (off-screen)

-O-o-O-o-O-

James and his mother had been writing each other letters and calling each other.

James and Meowth had quit Team Rocket. They started selling legal drugs and were making a surprising amount of money. James would keep his kitten.

Bethany knew about James’s kitten. She was okay with it.

James was eight (out of nine) weeks pregnant. His mother was coming to visit their cabin.

James and Meowth were trying to save for a very small wedding. They were planning on using a wedding dress and a Meowth-sized tuxedo from their disguises.

“I’m going to look just awful in white,” James said. He wasn’t even showing that much, since Meowth kittens were smaller than human babies. He was showing a little, though, enough that he could hardly move fast.

Meowth almost wished James would give birth early. He hated to see James so uncomfortable. He decided James should stand up as little as possible.

The kitten was moving around a lot inside of James, which was a pretty weird feeling for him. He thought the kitten might be trying to come out early. He read a book about what to expect when “expecting.” It said having sex could induce labor. He grabbed Meowth and ran into the bedroom.

“Meowth, please have sex with me,” James said.

“Why?” Meowth asked.

“Because having sex might make me go into labor,” James said.

“I don’t think you’re in any condition to have sex. And you’re only eight weeks through it. That would only work if you were overdue,” Meowth said.

James collapsed onto the bed. “I’m worried,” he said.

“About what?” Meowth said.

“I’m worried about if I’ll be a good parent.”

“You’ll probably make a good parent,” Meowth said, massaging James’s feet. He pressed his paw into James’s finely arched soles and rubbed his slender toes.

“Maybe you’re right,” James breathed.

“You kinda already sound like you’re in labor,” Meowth said.

James moved to a more comfortable position. “Maybe I’m just hot and bothered,” he said. He lowered his eyelids, trying to look sexy. He let out a falsetto giggle. “My mother is coming tomorrow. She’d have a fit if she walked in on us right now.”

Meowth stroked James’s hair. “She knows about the kitten, right?” he asked.

“Yes, I wrote her about it,” James said.

They sat on the bed for a while.

“Did you still want to have sex?” Meowth asked.

“Yes, I’m pretty hormonal,” James said.

They closed the bedroom door.

-O-o-O-

The next day, James’s mother came. As soon as she came in, she and James hugged. She could only stay for one night. She had to go back to work the next day. She didn’t have to work, but she chose to.

James cooked dinner for everyone. He made sure to make extra food.

After dinner, he and Bethany went into his bedroom. James confessed about being worried when Bethany asked him why he wasn’t more enthusiastic.

“You’re really lucky you love Meowth,” Bethany said.

“I suppose,” James said.

“Why aren’t you excited?” Bethany asked.

“I’m just so nervous. I’m afraid I won’t be a good parent to the kitten.”

“Of course you’ll be a good parent. You may be a former Team Rocket member, but you do have parental instincts. You’ve got what a lot of people don’t have these days: a good heart. Stay true to yourself and your kitten and you’ll be fine.”

James had broken down in tears. “Oh, Mother. I wish we could’ve been this close sooner,” he cried.

Bethany hugged James.

“Now, about what you’re going to name the kitten….”

-O-o-O-

The next day, Bethany had to leave. James and Meowth waved from the porch as she drove away.

They went inside. James felt a strange movement inside of him.

“Meowth….the kitten is kicking harder,” James said.

Meowth put a paw on James’s stomach.

“Wow. The kitten is pretty active today.”

James put a hand on Meowth’s paw. It seemed as if the kitten would come out at any time.

-O-o-O-

James was well over nine weeks pregnant with the kitten.

He wasn’t showing as much as he would with a human baby, but he still felt like he was carrying a Voltorb in his shirt.

One morning, Meowth was trying to help James get up.

“It’ll be fine, Meowth. I can manage,” James said. He suddenly felt a sharp flash of pain. He doubled over, clutching his stomach.

“Are you okay?” Meowth asked.

“I think I’m in labor,” James panted.

“Stay in bed, Jimmy,” Meowth tried to sound calm.

James shifted into a sitting position and breathed deeply. A few hours later, James gave birth to a tiny Meowth kitten.

“It’s a girl,” James said.

“What’s her name?” Meowth asked. He bit off the kitten’s umbilical cord.

“Her name is Methesia,” James said.

“That’s pretty,” Meowth said. He put the placenta on a plate. He and James could make a breakfast for two out of it.

James wiped away his tears as he brought Methesia to his bosom and nursed her. He had to be strong for his kitten.

-O-o-O-

The next day, James and Meowth got married. They held the ceremony in their backyard.

James put on his white dress and wove tiny white roses into his hair. He wasn’t a virgin, but as a former member of Team Rocket, he didn’t care about rules.

James stood by the window. This was it. He was about to tie the knot with Meowth. He thought Jessiebelle had scared him away from marriage for life.

He briefly thought about how a character in a movie made a rope out of sheets tied together and climbed out of a window. He immediately banished that thought.

“I have to be strong for Meowth and Methesia,” James thought. “I can’t think about the past.”

He looked in the mirror, checking his appearance. He had something old (his dress, from one of their disguises), something new (he’d just gotten a new bottlecap), something borrowed (he’d borrowed a slip from Jessie), and something blue (his hair).

“You look just fine,” a voice said.

James turned around. “Mother!”

Bethany hugged James. “You’re going to be a beautiful bride to Meowth and a great parent to your kitten,” she said.

“Thank you, Mother,” James said, wiping away tears.

-O-o-O-

Bethany went to sit down with the other guests (Jessie and Mondo). James stood quietly, waiting for his cue. He took a deep breath.

As he walked down the aisle, he knew even though he was scared, he had to do it.

He had to be strong for the kitten and Meowth.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Team Rocket members don't care about virginity and placenta makes a great romantic breakfast for you and your cat-husband.