This Was Actually Nice - Tumblr Posts

grief feels foreign to me because she was my first loss and I barely knew her, but I almost puked when I found out and I always think of her in april and get brought back to when I found out. it was bad. we found out over a video call. so there was no grief counselor. I mean, there was, but you'd have to talk about this new grief in front of all your other classmates. there were only 13 or 14 of us in this class. and we all knew each other, so it was hard. no one said anything except for the kid who was in a lower grade than us because she didn't really know her. but we all relied on what she was saying because the counselor and the teacher were doing their best to help us. but not much could be done over a screen. and the thing is, 3 out of my 4 classes that semester were with her. so we all talked about our grief and how much we missed her that day. it was so odd to hear because I didn't know her that well, but it hit me like I knew her and was her friend. I wasn't and I felt bad (still do, honestly) grieving this girl I barely knew, knowing how her actual friends were doing. and there was rage, too, because the 1 class she wasn't in had kids in her grade and the teacher didn't say anything about it. and one of the other classes, which the teacher had taught her for 2 years, she didn't even dwell on it. she said she knew we were hurting, but we had to prep for the exam. she had taught her for 2 years. the other teacher who taught her for 2 or 3 years was completely distraught. she even had the grief counselor come in for 3rd period the whole week. just in case we needed to talk. and that class is the one that we all paused with the teachings, just to try and remember her. we were reading Frankenstein and had to do projects for each chapter, so the chapter she had was reserved for her. the teacher said she would teach it each year, just so no one else could do it. because it was /her/ chapter. I don't know, grief is so odd to me because my first loss was someone I barely knew, but also someone I had known for 5 years and had a class with each year for 4 years.

grief is so odd. I barely knew you, but we had classes together for 4 years straight. and I always wanted to be your friend, but I didn't know how to start that conversation (and also your friend intimated me). but I did know you, to some extent. and seeing a picture of you takes my breath and makes me sad cause there won't be another picture of you taken