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why all my wips hate me | Writing Update

(hey so note from the future I started writing this post so long ago - when I first decided to revamp my writing life. It’s been like six months since then. So like, that’s why I start using my shift key halfway thru)

the problems

remember when i did that whole wip intro for that one camp nano novella and then never talked about it again? well, it’s because i had to kill it before it killed me. from the start of this blog, pretty much all i’ve ever talked about was all the wips that i never fucking finish. i’ve only ever had two wip intros that were about finished projects. and those projects all had something in common: they were songs. they were poems. they weren’t fiction.

i’ve always wanted to write fiction because i’m a writer and that’s what writers do. i wrote poetry and songs a lot - wrote collections of poems and albums of songs - but that didn’t matter. it was about the fiction. the fiction that i never finished. every novel: abandoned, picked up again, revamped, abandoned. every short story: first draft half finished, never edited, hidden away in shame. 

with fiction, i was always wondering “am i reading enough? am i writing enough?” meanwhile, i was writing “sublime,” “frolic,” “Too young.” “Loveless,” “even if you’re not,” and “i hope you’re haunted”. then there was the poetry collections “Godworship,” “The Science of Lust,” “Anhedonia,” and “humans have the wrong anatomy”. all finished. how could i fall on my face with fiction so often, but not with anything else?

i realized it was because i treated fiction like it was sacred. “real writers write fiction.” “the only work i do that matters is fiction.” “i’ll only be accomplished once i write a novel.” i also treated reading novels like it was sacred. i kicked myself every time i had to return a book to the library without finishing it. so what the fuck is wrong with me? GAD is my guess, but the jury’s still out on that one i guess. 

so what do?

my first step was dropping all those fiction projects that drained me so damn much. i’m freeing myself to put all of my focus into my new project: doing whatever the hell i want! i had to watch a lot of @coffeeandcalligraphy videos to reach that conclusion. 

and then i had to ask, “wait, do i even like fiction?” there are a few books i do like, yes. i really like “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous,” “The Bell Jar,” and “My Year of Rest and Relaxation”. but, with everything else, there are times were i’m completely obsessed with how the best songs/poems/tv shows work, but does that happen with fiction? or am i only obsessed with the idea of being able to make a fiction piece that works? writing fiction feels more like a duty than a hobby and, honestly, that fucking sucks. 

i also realized that i treated fiction like prose instead of like a story. and don’t get me wrong, prose gets me out of bed in the morning, but novels are supposed to tell stories. but when i try to read a book, i’m doing it because it’s what i’m supposed to do, and when i try to write a book, i’m doing it because that’s what i’m supposed to do. so what do? don’t write fiction if i don’t actually want to. don’t write it if i don’t get a thrill from doing it. 

in a certain tumblr post i’m sure you’ve all read, someone said that if you don’t like what you’re writing, something’s wrong. i realized what was wrong was not some gap in my knowledge of craft or some ill-conceived plot - it was the fact that i wasn’t writing because i loved it. i was writing just to prove it to myself that i could. and that’s some deadly pride. so now, the rule is, i’m not allowed to write a fiction unless i actually want to, unless i have a story to tell. and i’m not allowed to read unless i want to read, unless i’m not even thinking about that stupid fucking goodreads reading challenge. 

but without fiction, who am i? 

someone with a whole lot of wips to talk about 🤠

fuck yes finally

SONGS + ALBUMS:

So, along the lines of only doing what I want cause I’m the writer and I make the rules, I’ve decided to only write songs the way I want to write them. According to everyone online ever, you write the lyrics and the melody of a song at the same time. Problem is, I get most of my song ideas on the bus or in the middle of the night—i.e. not the best time to be singing into your phone. So I’ve just been writing the lyrics and decided I’ll only add a melody when I feel like it. Revelatory, I know.

With this ingenious process, I've started writing another ep, this one called "Baby blue". It's an indie folk, Daughter/Lana Del Rey/Hayley Williams' Flowers For Vases-inspired litany of self-loathing and codependency. Yes very on brand, I know.

POETRY:

So, “humans have the wrong anatomy” has grown in the middle of the night. It’s shaping up to be the size of an actual chapbook at this rate. Also, the title is actually in title case now.

SCRIPTS:

I am addicted to teen drama. There’s two I’m sitting on right now - CRICKETS, SICKLY GREEN and MANNEQUIN CHILDREN. And! There’s also? An animated film? Which is a reimagining of “Tangled”??? Yes you read that right, it’s not a reimagining of Rapunzel, its a reimagining of Tangled, the Disney movie.

GAMES????:

So. You see how fast my brain comes up with shit when I stop writing fiction? There's a? Social simulation art game? That I'm making a pitch for? Its called "dawn breaks like a fever". Well actually, that's the short version of the title, the full one is "dawn breaks like a fever & you are no better for it".

~~also I might start planning a dating sim soon too~~

FICTION:

When you take so long writing a single Tumblr post that you outgrow the very premise of it. Anyway! I write fiction again! 2 books and a short story collection that’s too much of a mess to ever be called a book. The novels are “Carrion Crow” (which is actually a novella) and “Terrestrials”. These are books I cannot shake for the life of me, at this point they’re extensions of my person. And short stories! I’ve been writing one or two of those. My main problem is that, sometimes, in an attempt to achieve the Short I end up forgetting to include the Story, so... (No but fr my short stories at some point just sound like personal essays where I’m just straight up lying)

The end!

I Am Leaving Writerblr

Its hard to admit. Even when I had no friends and my only hobby was writing, writerblr was there for me. I loved seeing everybody's work and learning about their processes. I loved *being involved.* It felt secure. Safe. A place where I belonged.

But there was a problem. The draw of community came at the cost of my personal identity. I found myself merging with the other writers, trying to become one of them instead of trying to become myself. I graded my own work on how it stacked up to other people's on tumblr. I took advice to heart and didn't search anywhere else for tips. I learned what everyone else struggled with and found myself struggling with the same things. I stopped reading and only read what was recommended to me from people on this app.

What happens when you lose yourself? For one, I stopped reading, stopped writing. I couldn’t find my own voice, I couldn’t find it in me to enjoy what I read. And without reading or writing, I lost myself even more.

This isn't to say that writeblr is bad. It's just not for everyone. And surely not for a teen with such a fledgling sense of self and desperation for acceptance. So I'm leaning. I'll be writing and reading without thought towards anybody else, and, hopefully, I'll be happier. I'll always cherish my memories here and the people I met. But all stories have to end sometime. Its the only way for new stories to begin.

See ya~

— Lee

Here’s the cover image that I made for my Fanfic, Rain World: Across The Void Sea! Front and centre is the main Character, Kintsugi.

I wanted to put this in my AO3 fic, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to add images lol, I’ll get around to it.

I’m a little over 50% done the next chapter, I’ll keep y’all updated on here along with scribbles of the characters and stuff from my fic, as a treat. :)

Just released chapter 3! Come check it out!

I just posted Chapter 5 of my story, ‘Rain World: Across The Void Sea’

It’s a mini-chapter in Hunter’s point of view!

Finally almost done with the next chapter of the Fifth Turtle!!! 49 will get to meet the whole fam and some… secrets will be revealed.