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Head canon of a young, drunk Tony Stark. (or just Tony Stark in general really)
Today, I fucked up by getting drunk and stealing lawnmowers while on my bike at 3AM.
Well, this actually happened six months ago, during the summer.
I am 19, can’t legally drink, an engineering student, and my family comes from a mix of Appalachian and Deep South. This is the perfect set of conditions for a guy like me to build a stove top distillery. So I did. It was a glass jar with some thin copper line, and looked ghetto as all get-out, but it worked! I could take my fermented sugar solution, and after a few distillates, come out with something so strong you could easily use it for fuel, which I was going to tell people is what I was making if it was ever found.
But anyway; I was up one night drinking this stuff, and worked it out to the equivalent of 10-15 shots of 40% liquor, when I remembered that there was this old run down house with a lawnmower on the front porch that had obviously not been used in the past few years. I decided I would go be the Stealthy Lawnmower Vigilante, and rescue it from disrepair! While I was stone cold drunk. Brilliant. I thought about getting in my car and driving, but the only thing that stopped me was knowing that the belts make a horrible squealing, and its hard to be a Stealth Lawnmower Vigilante in a squealing car. So I took my bike. Much quieter.
By this time, I probably had a BAC of at least 0.20. I was riding down the street, sometimes weaving all over and starting to talk in a southern accent. By the time I got there, I could hardly stand up. I stumbled onto the front porch, and tool half an hour “quietly” removing the lawnmower from the leaves and soil it was buried under. I tried to get my drunk ass home, but its hard to ride a bike drunk. And uphill. And one handed because the other hand has a death grip on a freshly liberated lawnmower. So Drunk Me does the only sensible thing at the time. I stripped off my pants, tied one leg to the mowers handlebar, and the other to my bikes seat post. I then decided it was best to ride home down a well lit street so I could see. If anyone looked out their window, they would have seen the Stealthy Lawnmower Vigilante, Riding his bike down the middle of a normally busy road, with no pants, and a loud clattering lawnmower tied to his bike. Yeah, not suspicious at ALL.
By the time I got home, I realized something; Not only do I have no where to put this mower, BUT PEOPLE WILL ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT WHERE IT CAME FROM. SHIT. Now, still being drunk off my ass, I decided to take it out to the park by my house, which has a convenient storm drain. After more stealth pants-less rattling along, I finagled the mower into the drain, and made it back home. The next morning I couldn’t find my pants, then remembered they were still tied to the mower. I did this several times since, with a total of three Liberated Mowers, one Commandeered Roto-tiller, and half a tank of propane.
Too Long; Didnt Read > Never led a bored engineering student build a still, or else he’ll sneak out at night and “Liberate” all the small engines he can find. He might also take off his pants while doing it.
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