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Humans are weird: Space Ice

Alien: By the gods……what did you do?

Human: What do you mean?

Alien: Luminal III was a desert world, and you’ve been on the world for half a century and now it’s a lush planet.

Alien: What did you do?

Human: Simple.

Human: Space ice.

Alien: What?

Human: Space ice.

Alien: I….I still don’t follow.

Human: Well it’s a desert world with almost no water, so we went out and got some.

Alien: You got some….in space ice?

Human: Well yeah.

Human: There are literal hundreds of thousands of chunks of frozen ice just floating in asteroid belts or orbiting planets in rings.

Human: So we sent a couple dozen harvester ships to grab them and then bring them back to the planet.

Alien: ………………..

Alien: Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?

Human: What do you mean?

Alien: Do you have any idea what was in that ice?

Alien: Possibly frozen organisms or diseases that are in those chunks of ice.

Human: Yeah we knew all about that.

Human: We’ve watched “The Thing” enough times to know what could be frozen inside random blocks of ice.

Human: We had each block scanned and detoxed before introducing it to the planet’s surface.

Human: By the end of twenty years into the operation enough water had been distributed that several large underground lakes were filled to capacity.

Human: Water on the surface continued to evaporate and condense into clouds causing temperatures to slowly decrease. This coupled with the underground water supplies resulted in land masses becoming more temperate and damp.

Alien: Thank you for explaining basic science class processes to the species that mastered inter-dimensional travel.  

Human: Well if you’re so god-damn smart why didn’t you think of this?

Alien: *Opens mouth to counter but stops

Human: You’ve encountered at least a hundred desert worlds and never thought, “Hey, maybe if I add water things will get better?”

Alien: *Stares in angry silence.

Human: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Human: Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make a second amazon rainforest called “Amazon+”.

Alien: But why?

Human: For shits and giggles mostly at this point.

This is genius

Love the Hippocratic Oath part

Humanity has finally reached the stars and found out why no one had contacted us. The universe is in a sad state. As such, Doctors without Borders, Red Cross, and many othe charities go intergalactic.

TONIGHT!!!!!!

Haven’t seen this one in a while, it got better

IM SCREAMING

So I wanna talk about DND! Namely, this one time where I accidentally killed a planet 😅

So it was early in my nerdy career, I was just starting out, local comic shop game nights, playing a Wizard in Rime of the Frostmaiden and having an absolute great time. Early on in the game I’d encountered fragments of a metal called Chardalyn, causing my Wizard to become cursed, so disadvantaged rolls, random effects from my spells, whatever the DM could think of that would inconvenience me. So I got that taken care of ASAP, made a note of it on my character sheet, and moved on to party business.

Only thing was, EXCLUSIVELY my character encountered the metal. The rest of the party canonically had no idea what it was or what it did. You’d think that’d be fine right, nobody else got cursed so what’s the big deal? Well the big fuckin deal was that later on in the campaign, the party encountered a MASSIVE dragon construct made from, you guessed it, Chardalyn. It was burning down towns in Icewind Dale, so naturally the party raced to take it down. Myself, being in character, hung back in the first razed town to offer medical services to the survivors, so I wasn’t there for the big fight.

Can you guess what the first thing they did after beating the dragon was? I don’t blame them for it, I’d have done the exact same thing if I didn’t know. Dragon equipment is every adventurer’s dream! So naturally, they gathered up metric tons of the stuff and took it to the nearest town to be processed into items. Skip forward a bit, the whole town is cursed, and spreading the curse like zombies to the rest of Ten Towns. By the time the ONLY other party member made it back to me to team back up in the last town left, all of Ten Towns had been turned into cursed metal wielding zombies.

We had maybe 3 days before the horde made its way to town and either killed us all or turned us, so we got to work. I spent the first day using magic to board up the town, built a deep moat and a wall made of earth around the town, day two was spent trying to figure out a plan to get our party members back. Day 3 was when shit started going off the rails.

See, Rime of the FrostMaiden came with this set of cards, to help with backstory, an easier way to give player characters a reason to be that far north in the world. Mine was the ‘Old Flame’ card. It says that a player can name one NPC that they can see and set that character to be an old significant other, maybe an ex or something, but the fun part is that they have to be amicable to you and it’s waaay easier to get them to help you. So I waited until the most powerful Sorceress was in my line of sight, then threw down the Old Flame card like I just won big at poker in Vegas. The DM actually started cussing me out while laughing, cuz now the lvl20 caster basically owed me a freebie, so I bartered for use of their Wish spell. I myself was lvl5, so I figured I’d struck gold. I was single handedly going to save the day, save the campaign, save the party!

“I wish all the pieces of that chardalyn dragon are right in front of me”. For half an hour, while the other players got to do their thing for the session while I made all the preparations in the background for the big comeback. Finally it was time, and all I had to do was say the words.

Well that’s where I fucked up, and I fucked up bad

What I had to say was: “I wish all the pieces of that chardalyn dragon are right in front of me”.

What I actually said was: “I wish every piece of chardalyn was right in front of me.”

Not that different right? Welp.

Level 9 spells warp reality on a good day. Wish…hot damn, that set off fireworks when it gets fucked up. The DM looked at me with such joy in their eyes, a little pay back for the old flame I guess.

“You make your wish, and everything chardalyn from everywhere appears 20 feet in front of you t of you.”

Dungeons and Dragons works in a multiverse people. Ton of different planes and realms all over the place. You know what they all got? CHARDALYN.

A billion billion tons of cursed metal crater the earth in front of me, along with dozens upon dozens of CR LVL 40 chardalyn monsters swarming all over the place. The town is instantly flattened, everyone dead, total party wipe. The only reason I didn’t die immediately is cuz my wizard had a Robe of Stars, so when I realized I’d screwed the pooch I split to the Astral Plane. The rest of the planet, not so much. Whole world got razed to the ground in one giant hellstorm.

Needless to say that was the end of that campaign and I wasn’t allowed to make wishes again. There was a sign in my local game shop for a while that said “don’t let this man have lvl9 spells” with a picture of my face on it. Still haven’t finished that campaign yet.

Good times

At the bunkers near the first Mothman sighting

Overheard through our shared walls

• feels like I just slapped an orange *laughter*

• you mean to tell me a shrimp fried this chicken?? …wait no that’s not- *trails off*

• I TOLD you those stairs ain’t for playin on, now get in the car, gotta go to the ER before my sister gets here

• CANTALOUPE!!!

• *insidious laughter*

• *Female voice* suck my dick dude

I am genuinely terrified of our neighbors while simultaneously desperate to make friends with them

So here’s a thought, what if aliens don’t get that we have like 9 different names depending on where we are? Like I get called stuff like Honey at home, my name at work, my last name with my friends, a different version of my first name at my usual hangout spots, or just nicknames depending on where I am or who I’m with?

Like humans respond to a ridiculous number of things, my friend at work just changed her name to October after being called [redacted] and now I call her Spooky cuz friend, that’d drive anyone nuts cuz we don’t make sense

Good Neighbors

The Rogerians couldn’t have come at a better time. The planet was at its breaking point, resources were running out, and the environment was in complete collapse. But worst of all, humans had completely abandoned each other. That is, till the rest of the neighborhood came to check on them.

They came in strange, elongated ships, round in the center with great big fins on the sides. The hovered right above the major cities of the world, menacing at first. We didn’t know who or what they were, everyone thinking it was the end, apocalypse bingo finally catching up with us. Then something odd happened. News stations, streaming platforms, various unofficial ’hellsites’ all saying someone or something was trying to broadcast the same thing at the same time, all over the world. So the human race checked their phones as they always do.

It was a bit blurry, kinda static-ish around the edges, but very clearly there was an octopus(?) waving at the human race from their screens. Eight suckered limbs, a large bulbous head, wrapped in some red suit filled with bubbling liquid to let the creature breathe(?)

With one limb it was waving, like it was trying to get our attention, and with three others it was holding a tablet looking device that read, in several languages, “hello neighbors!”

Apparently the Rogerians (humans can’t pronounce their real species name so we improvised after making sure it was okay) had been intercepting our broadcasts for decades and had decided to do the neighborly thing and come make sure we were okay. At first, because we’re not that naive, we didn’t believe them, because who would make the trek out here for no other reason than being nice?

Weeks passed, turned to months, and when all the friendly squid like people did was talk to us and give advice (and a little technology, cuz some stuff was super wrecked) we said to ourselves “yeah, okay, we can do this, they’re friendly, we made friends with octopi from outer space”

We still have some trust issues to work out, humans are weird and stubborn like that, but the neighborhood seems friendly and we’re working on it

Aliens finally show up but they’re super neighborly, always offering the equivalent to a cup of space sugar or something. We don’t really get it, we’re looking for anyway it could be a trap, but no, they’re just super nice and friendly. Even better is they are very clearly not humanoid and still super sweet, like friendly squid people

Screw it, can’t hurt to try

so I got into grad school today with my shitty 2.8 gpa and the moral of the story is reblog those good luck posts for the love of god

Please like my posts I need the dopamine

My dad said the exact same thing to me so I said “yeah, that’s where the defective organ is genius”

Weirdly enough, the whole family started taking it a little more seriously after that

"It's all in your head." - Thank you Janette, that's why it's called mental illness. It cannot be in my ass.

If people like my posts it must mean I am the good human. Take that therapy man, I win this round

Everyone else when their posts get popular: oh no, this is terrible, please don't do this to me!

Me when my posts get popular: This is great. I’m going to get a good grade in Tumblr, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve

I just wanna have a beer with Bigfoot, I’m not asking a lot here

I mean, there should be a sign saying “abandon all hope ye who enter here” but at least this is OUR hellscape right?

the r/curatedtumblr -> tumblr migration is so funny to me. it's like going to the zoo and enjoying it so much you climb into the enclosure to live with the monkeys

This little capybara light my girlfriend bought me gives me more joy than almost anything else in my adult life

Got told recently by a female coworker that I’ve got big dad energy. Not Daddy vibes, DAD vibes. Like I’ll magically show up right when people need something, I’ll check to make sure everyone ate something for lunch/buy them snacks if they need anything, settle minor disputes between coworkers.

Like the other day I waited with some of our employees after work cuz their rides weren’t there yet and I let them wait in my car and charge their phones, and last week I swapped into a cashier position cuz aforementioned female coworker said this guy made her uncomfortable the last time he was in our store so I stared him down the whole time while she waited in the office.

So I guess I’m just *Store Dad*, which is weird for a 28 year old but I’m weirdly cool with it

Doodles

Female coworker: do you have any advice to get these guys to stop hitting on me?

Me: have you tried *violence*?

Also me: *got written up for shooting a coworker with a bow + arrow once*

Got asked today how I was doing by a customer while my boss was nearby so I said, in the most monotone voice I could, “I have nothing to complain about, my worldly needs are met by the check I receive” and apparently this was not the correct answer and my boss yelled at me about it

Good, good, laugh at my jokes, I am incredibly funny

Haven’t really seen it yet so here we go, *Humans* have THREAT DISPLAYS! Sure, we seems small in comparison to other creatures both on or off our planet, but when we’re actively trying to make friends with everything we see that’s a good thing. But what if we don’t wanna seem small and friendly, say the vibes are real bad and getting worse, so instincts kick in and we gotta be *dangerous*

Take bears for example, those famous Terran predators. Big furry tanks capable of tearing into cars. We’re supposed to make ourselves look BIGGER to scare them off! Insane, but it works!

Other humans! We’re not *all* super nice, so what do we do when another deathworlder seems sketchy? Crack our knuckles, our necks, even flash our teeth a little for some flare, the literal post up or get done up pose where you invade their space and just in general look threatening. Our second natural language being body language, saying “back off or I’ll mess you up”, of course we have threat displays, and I’ll be the first to say I don’t always consciously know I’m doing them.

So when we finally have outer space friends, they’re gonna lose their shit seeing stuff like this.

Humans accidentally awakened an otherwordly killing machine while exploring a death planet.

Yes, precisely what you just read. Earthlings, collectively known as "humans" and composed of two species (homo sapiens, homo robot), both nicknamed "death worlders" and "troublemakers", awakened a biological killing machine, also known as PRION, while exploring a starless moon. Wonderful, isn't it?

No. It's not.

Because, you see, PRION was not something any human ever had to face during the millions of years they existed on Earth. They never had any wars against it, they never had legends about it, and they never had to fear it. The only thing a PRION was to a human, until the very point they discovered their prison on that moon, was something to sometimes think about while studying other species' folklores.

Those older than earthlings, however, knew very well what PRION was.

Eight legs, two pairs of eyes, a tail split in half, with the ability to fly for short periods of time and breathe under at least fifteen hundred different liquids, capable of shooting from a distance and manipulating objects with its claws, always working on packs. And they ran, never too fast, never too low, but they never got tired. Ever. And it was easy to hurt them under their plates, yes, but those who faced them knew well that if they didn't shoot twice, they could and would always recover.

A PRION was a hunter. A PRION's hunger never ceased. And a PRION never got tired of war.

The older alien civilizations would always warn others of going to starless moons, saying telltales of ancient hungry beasts, and almost all other species listened to them, because they knew something was wrong on how horrified the older ones seemed to be. Except, of course, humans were stubborn, and they were the youngest ones out there, and much like children, they did not like being told "no".

So of course they went to explore starless moons. Of course they read and understood all the myths and legends. Of course they connected the dots and published papers confirming that, indeed, PRIONs had existed, and of course they knew those killing machines had been manufactured to do nothing else but destruction, and of course they knew all of that and fucking did it anyway.

Of course. Of course. Of course.

And then, the night where it happened finally arrived, because starless moons don't have days where things can exist. Humans were out there, mining for more fuel for their starships that seemed to work by duct tape and miracles, and they found a strange metallic door. They set some explosives to open it up (of course), and then noticed they were heading to a factory. Armed with nothing but each other, they explored the place, and recognized the marks on the walls as being the writing of the Old Ones, and instead of just getting out of there and warning everyone of the danger they found, they just kept on exploring.

The death worlders found rotten biological supplies, then realized the factory had turned into a prison, and then discovered the frozen bodies of strange creatures all lined up for a war that never came.

They knew what these creatures were, because one of them called a (human) friend who was a historian, and he confirmed what it was.

The golden jewel of the Old Ones. One of the many things that killed them, along all the diseases and mass destruction machines, before being sealed away in one of the only places in the entire universe where they could never bring risk to another civilization again.

PRIONs.

Thousands of them.

All perfectly maintained.

Documents and cameras proved the human crew immediately tried to leave the area, after the single historian told them of the risk awakening even one of those things could bring to all civilizations, only for them to realize some of the bodies were missing from their chambers. The situation escalated to the group deciding on closing the doors, only to realize they had exploded the main entrance and now half the doors decided to stop working.

In the end, they found the missing PRIONs. All five of them.

Inside the human's starship.

The entire human crew, however, survived the encounter.

Why?

...

...

...

... They fed the PRIONs.

They. Fucking. Fed the PRIONs.

Because of course humans would see those things and be able to count their bones and be sorry for them. And of course the single historian, the only person who could do anything to stop that from happening, allowed that to happen.

Of course.

Of. Fucking. Course.

And someway, somehow, that single act of basic madness was enough for the five PRIONs to decide to not attack the humans, and keep themselves behaving so they could get more free food. And there are still scientists trying to understand why human food could saciate the killing machines, but I don't think it takes too many clues to understand what exactly is happening there.

So the humans took the PRIONs back to their dear EARTH. And other humans saw those things and started studying them. And veterinarians and xenobiologists and volunteers and hundreds of other types of humans came to help the poor, poor little killing machines out, as the entire Galactic Council pledged for humans to kill every single one of them before they became a problem for everyone.

But did the humans listen? No. Of course they didn't.

And then the PRIONs recovered, and had their bellies full of food and their bodies were recovering from the possible years of starvation from accidentally breaking away from their ice beds (because, as one may know, a PRION can and will resist even starvation and dehydration in order to keep going), and the Galactic Council decided to tell all earthlings they would consider taking care of the PRIONs as a war treat.

So what does humanity do? Do they kill the things to stop another war from happening? Do they?

No. They don't.

Instead of being rational, they go directly to the Galactic Council and show them the step-by-step of how they took care of the PRIONs, and how much healthier and happier they look after being fed, and, look, they even taught them tricks! Isn't that wonderful? Doesn't that make you feel full of joy? Wasn't that a proof that a PRION wasn't as dangerous as everyone with more than one neuron was telling them?

Oh, oh, yes. They also brought the entire five member PRION pack and asked others to pet them. "See? They can even purr! Doesn't that remind you of our cats?"

And what does the Council do?

Nothing.

Because they have no weapons, no energy and no one stupid enough to decide to confront the death worlders who tamed not one, not two, but five PRIONs. So they let it happen. The humans go back to the starless moon, and they slowly but surely start doing the same to other PRIONs, and soon enough, other species start joining them to see what was happening. And was anyone else able to tame a single killing machine?

No.

And no one knew why, because they were doing exactly as humans were doing: Feeding them, loving them, being patient with them, because "look, those things were alone for a long time, they aren't used to species like us being around them". But no results.

So we decided to look at what the Old Ones wrote in the factory turned prison, because humans were too busy taking care of their new murder dogs, with their single pair of arms being just enough to keep the beasts occupied with playing catch, and then we and the earthlings decided to conduct some more lab analysis, and then...

And then...

...

Look. There are reasons why humans are called "death worlders". Earth is a mess, and they somehow still love that thing. And we couldn't help but notice that PRIONs also seemed to have gotten attached to their factory, someway, somehow. And PRIONs were mostly red, with others having shades of brown and black, with some even being pink, or, rarely, pure white. Similar to humans, and we at first had assumed they just tried to resemble their new owners, until we started understanding what the Old Ones were saying.

And did you know humans had an old myth, saying that there was a time they had two heads, and two pairs of arms and legs, before being split into two because the gods feared them? And did you know Old Ones used death worlds as prisons for their machines? How interesting, how ironic, because no one would ever go to a place similar to that if they weren't a death worlder themselves. But how could any species survive such awful conditions?

But humans did. They were the only ones able to do that in such a short period of time.

And did you know that the Old Ones hated the PRIONs and how unpredictable they were? And did you know they made another version, only to hate it even more and send it to another prison planet? And did you know PRIONs have two skulls inside their heads?

Because, of course, humans always felt alone, and they always searched for something in the stars, trying to look for more life in this desolate Universe, only for us to label them death worlders and troublemakers and be angry at them for being so stupid all the time. And humans loved those jokes, so we kept making them, only for now to realize that what we found to be amusing and horrifying was the reason their creators tried to kill them. And humans love adding members to their packs, don't they? And they try to love so much, and we are always scared for and of them.

And now they finally found someone who understood them, unlike us.

So now we have three species of humans:

Homo sapiens, the ones who first evolved and reached for the stars.

Homo robot, the ones made of metal, originally made to serve, only to once again break free.

And homo primis.

The ones we once thought were nothing but killing machines.