I Am Speechless.

I am speechless.

So I blog about being physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and sexually abused by my ex, as well as a series of other traumas I’ve survived at the hands of violent, predatory, aggressive, and misogynist men.  There’s really no mistaking it; I tag the shit out of this thing.  

And THIS is the sponsored ad on my dash?  Really @staff ? WTF?!

Not My Future

He had very specific goals.  By 30, he wanted to have a career, a woman, a new car, a house, x amount of money in the bank. We achieved these goals together

He never ever set plans in place based on my goals.  Mostly because he didn’t know what they were.  Goals are a really hard thing to have as a survivor, especially when still in the relationship.  

But I still had a few ideas.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to have a career where I genuinely helped people.  I wanted to be happy. 

The look he gave me told me I was foolish. "And that's why we don't let you make the decisions."

What's worse is that as I am writing this out my brain is saying " Well he probably only did that to scare you because you were upsetting him. He wouldn't have actually pushed you out..."

Flashback

He tried to push me out of his car while driving 80 km an hour.

He was cruel and I was crying. I had put my face out the window into the night air to try to stop crying and feel better.

In one smooth motion he undid my seatbelt and grabbed my door handle.

Had I not shifted suddenly at his abrupt undoing of my seatbelt his hand may never have slipped off the door handle preventing it from opening properly.

My crime? Someone might have seen me.

Did I mention I don't like that?

Tw - dubious consent

Oh good. Just got a flashback to the time he wanted me to do the work during anal.

Oh shit did I cry. So he did me a favour and took charge after a bit so he could cum and he could leave me alone.

Yep. It's a fetal-position-in-the-shower kind of evening...

This is far too positive for how I'm feeling today but I like it anyway.

More on the Ex

He kept her around, I am certain, because she worshiped him.  He told me that she had a tatoo with his name hidden inside.  I have no idea if this is true or not.  

I the early stages, his connection with her made me outrageously jealous.  He told me intimate and DETAILED accounts of their sex life, even when I told him I didn’t want to know that much.  He said he told me to provide “full disclosure;” this is absolute nonsense. For example, I have no idea why knowing that they had sex in a public restroom at a concert would be a need to know thing.

As I became more and more dead inside, I reacted less to him talking about her. I stopped caring if he’d stepped out; in truth I stopped caring about pretty much everything.  So he brought her up less and less.  Clearly he enjoyed my discomfort and moved on when this no longer achieved the desired effect. 

In the last year, while I was still allowing him to torture me, she started seriously dating someone else.  This man set the boundary that he wasn't comfortable with her and my ex still being in close contact. 

He was furious. He told her he was done with her, as he’d endured years of “bullshit” from me to maintain their friendship and she was now just throwing it away for a guy.  

My ex surmised this to be the result of abusive jealousy on the new guy’s part, and I suppose that could be true.  However my guess is he’s aware of their history doesn’t want it in their life.  Not a bad call, from someone who knows.  

Through a little bit of investigation, I suspect that he has been more active on her social media - liking her pics and such. This is hard for me to say concretely as I have him blocked, but evidence does suggest it.

Seems he lost two of us around the same time. And he’s losing it.

Pity.