This Is Probably One Of The Most Embarrassing Things Ill Ever Post. This Was My List That He Gave Me

This is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ll ever post.  This was My List that he gave me to complete in order for us to date again.  Complete this, and I would be forgiven. I believed it too, and allowed myself to be tortured in the pursuit. 

I forgot about this.

Eight or nine years ago he tried to shame me by passing around a dish i had sent him in his lunch with his co-workers. He was trying to show them what a prince he was for tolerating a defective wife ( he didn't like it.)

It backfired. They all loved it.

Afterward he tried to make it a sweet story and says this was the day he realized that i was actually a great cook.

It's not a sweet story, and even my culinary skills were used to pet his own ego. He just loved the envy of his co-workers when he opened his lunch box to a home cooked meal every day.

I'm sure he told them all he'd trained me well.

Experienced.

He wanted more experiences.  He felt that I had cheated him out of a good life.

His experiences were based on decisions he’d made: he bought a motorcycle instead of travelling.  He played paintball every weekend in the summer instead of trying different things.  He insisted we needed to “stay home and clean this shithole up” (of course meaning I had to clean the house - which I generally kept quite orderly, in spite of him) if he ever did have a weekend off paintball instead of taking day trips. He was excessively conservative financially when it came to leisure activities with me.  If he wasn’t spending money on his bike or paintball, then he argued that we ought to be doing something for the house.

So things got dull, but he made it impossible for me to improve upon these circumstances.  He’d isolated me from my friends, and then complained that I never invited anyone over.  He told me I didn’t love him because I never bought him things or planned outings for us, but also insisted I should not be spending any money as I made so little and didn’t have the choice to be spontaneous.  He’d be furious that I never surprised him, but reminded me all the time that he hated surprises (unless they were really really good).  I never let us go anywhere because the house was always “filthy” and we couldn’t leave it in that state, athough he never had a problem leaving it to me.

I was the cause of him never getting to have any fun. If you count out all the paintball, going to the gun range, the strip clubs and bars he went to with his buddies*, zipping around on his motorcycle, and overdosing on video games while I cooked/cleaned/laundered/fixed drinks.

So after we had broken up, he looked to me to give him all the joys life had to offer that he never got to have.  It was one of the requirements on My List.  It was only fair as I was the architect of his misery.

I delivered on these experiences at great personal cost, financially and otherwise.

*Another story

Remember, not Reminisce

Today I’m feeling touch-starved, and it’s on these days that I miss him the most.

When I’m feeling emotional I try to remember rather than reminisce.  When we were together and I would reach out to him in bed in the morning or in the middle of the night, he would shrug me off angry that I woke him.

He rarely, if ever, cured my need for affection. So what is there to lament?

Good days are bad too

A dodged Experience.

I found a female - a stranger - who agreed to have a threesome with us.  I was trying to check off the list and one of the sexual experiences he stipulated was a threesome.  I’d already agreed and participated in one with him 12 years earlier.  He kept saying that wasn’t a “real” one as she and I didn’t interact enough for his liking.  So it just didn’t count.  

She agreed to meet us at a hotel out of town.

On the way, I told him I was feeling very anxious about it and insinuated that this wasn’t really something I wanted to do.  He told me he was offended. I had agreed to so many sexual requests of others, how could I deny the man I said I loved?

We met her, and we went for dinner.  She was lovely, and funny. I liked her, and we were all getting along swimmingly.  We stopped at a gas station and I went in to buy some drinks to take back to the room.  When I got back into the car, the laughter was gone and there was an uncomfortable silence.

When we got back to the room, she said she really liked us and found us both attractive, but didn’t think tonight “was the night.”  I was  relieved, but I could tell he was doing his best to keep his temper at bay.  We talked more before going  to sleep.  We parted the next day and were never in contact again.

He had all sorts of theories about her and why she didn’t want to be with us, always painting her negatively.  I’m sure he would have loved to try to blame it on me had she not explicitly stated that she was most interested in experimenting with me.

He said something to her in the car when I was buying drinks that irked her. The tone change in the few minutes I was in the store was palpable.  But I have no idea what it was.