Outside Looking In.

Outside looking in.

A woman at work confided in me that her daughter is in an abusive relationship.  She’s telling me all of the things that I don’t want to hear myself:

 “She knows better,”  

“ I don’t get it, why won’t she listen” 

“Why would she be with someone who called her a cunt?”

She kicked her daughter out of the house in an attempt to make her ‘wake up.’  While I think this was the wrong decision, I can tell that she loves her daughter very much and is just at her wit’s end.

I know that people like me are difficult to love. I also know that loving me takes a toll on the people who do. 

I had no words of comfort or advice to ease her mind.

Intake appointment May 1st.  Good grief.

When you’re reaching out for help, a “ I’m sorry, the girl who leads that program isn’t here right now, can you call back tomorrow?” will set me back at least a week.

It may seem petulant, but when you get up the nerve, it may be fleeting, and you need someone to catch you. Right then.

I don’t think you’ll understand this if you’ve never been in crisis mode.

Let's lighten the mood a bit.

I'm sorry for that last one. It's been in my mental queue for months and needed to come out. It also provides context for things I've written and will write. I'm sorry all the same. If I neglected to tag something please let me know.

I first received a note on that post this morning when i woke up. Someone liked it, to my surprise, and it wasn't a name I recognized. So I investigated and I've been laughing incredulously at what I've found all day:

I forgot, people under 30 in NA can’t read cursive at the best of times:

All the Things I Deserve According to {HIM}:

- to be gang raped - to have acid thrown in my face - to be murdered - various forms - the be gang raped (to death) by my exes and buried in a shallow grave bc that’s what shitty people deserve. - to get Aids and die - to get cervical cancer and rot from the inside out alone in my 1 bedroom apt after my parents have given up on me. - to be punched in the face - to be miserable forever - to have multiple kids w/ multiple dads and have the world know how much of a slut and loser I am. - to always wonder if {HE} sticks w/ me bc he can’t do better or if he actually loves me. 

He told me write out all the things I deserved to reference any time I deigned to feel good.  I kept it under my mouse pad at work up until yesterday when I brought it home.

I can’t date this specifically, but I’m thinking Fall 2016.  I remember writing it.

Excuse the handwriting.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

Her point:  His opinion of me is still in my head and dictating.

Me: I ruined my mother's birthday. I completely lost it on my brother, I'm the worst actually, and caused a scene in a restaurant.

Therapist: What happened?

Me: *explains how a local club does not allow women to be on their board of directors or have a vote regarding how the organization (and a shitload of their own money is spent) is run.*

Therapist: This is a reasonable thing to be angry about. How did this affect your behaviour?

Me: My brother defended the decision stating we lived in a democracy and they could do whatever they wanted. I challenged this - can a business dictate who they serve and don't serve based on skin colour or religion? How about sexual orientation? Gender-identity? Which my sister in law (who I feel particularly betrayed by) dismissed as "semantics" *EYE ROLL*

Therapist: So this got heated.

Me: Yeah. My brother said this was the same thing as businesses that run a women only. I said it wasn't at all, and he dismissed me. I lost it.

Therapist: What did you do?

Me: I yelled "YOU HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL MISUNDERSTANDING OF EVERYTHING!"

Therapist: ... so you called him stupid in a polite way?

Me: ...

Therapist: When he was saying something stupid.

Me: ...

Therapist: And this is you being "the worst"?

Me: ... well, I yelled. In public. On my mom's birthday.

Therapist: ... OK. Maybe not your most shining moment but if this is what you consider "the worst" I feel like you might be shocked by the things that happen when my family gets together...