I Cannot Be Tender By Hating How The World Created Me I Cannot Be Sweet And Gentle And Nice If I Dont

I cannot be tender by hating how the world created me I cannot be sweet and gentle and nice if I don’t treat myself well, it doesn’t count!! I am doing my best and everyone will notice the sun kissing my cheeks and treating me so lovingly because I whisper sweet nothings to it all day thanking it for gracing me all of me!! Even if the all of me is bigger than society wants it to be!

I love my friends and I love my partner and I love my life why do I feel this way?? Life is about having fun and drinking wine and loving everything and everyone and seeing cathedrals everywhere why are all my thoughts about food and my weight and myself am I really that selfish?

Here's what weight gain looks like as the after picture

In four days, this picture will have been posted ten years ago. This was me as a 15 year old in high school. I had starved and abused my body to make it thinner. I hated myself. The only value I felt was my proximity to thinness. I was severely depressed and suicidal. I had endured abuse and trauma as a child, and that left me vulnerable to being taken advantage of by my "friend" on the right who abused and traumatized me further before throwing me away as soon as I told her "No."

I look even thinner in this picture, yet my face was still and always will be fat. My face was one of the biggest signs that my body I starved was meant to be fat from the beginning. The "friend" I mentioned in the other photo is cosplaying Nemo here. The 22 year old woman cosplaying Gill in this photo had an intimate relationship with me at this time when I was 15 years old. I was extremely vulnerable and grieving unbearable loss, and she used that to groom me. I look at these pictures and see a 15 year old girl who was suffering and only had her proximity to thinness to feel pride in. There was no happiness. So many points in my life I was close to developing a full on eating disorder because I had been told for two decades that my body was ugly, disgusting, and the physical equivalent of sin.

This is me ten years later at my brother's wedding. I gained back all of the weight I lost back then and am heavier than any past moment of my life. I still have mental disorders that make my life painful and difficult to live, but I am no longer suicidal. I no longer am fruitlessly chasing the thin body I was always told I was supposed to have. I have a healthier relationship with my body than I ever did in the past, and I'm making immense progress on my recovery. I don't starve myself anymore. I don't exercise for two hours a day on high levels that are dangerous for me. I intuitively eat and know that diet culture and fatphobia are wrong. I am closer to fully recovering than I've ever been.

This is what a glow up looks like.

(Fat fetishists, porn blogs, and thinspo blogs: Do not reblog this post or I will destroy you.)

take yourself on dates, treat yourself like your own best friend and do the hard things that you know will make you happier in the long run 🎀

Indulging in cozy late nights before my evening lectures start again ♡

You’ve done nothing wrong by eating. The guilt and discomfort will pass so please be kind to yourself.