Fatima Aamer Bilal, Excerpt From Moony Moonless Skys We Were Put On This Earth Desperate, Hungry And

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘we were put on this earth desperate, hungry and willing.’

[text id: in a sharp set of knives, i looked for a hand to hold. / i could not stop myself from needing to belong somewhere, even if that somewhere was a burial ground.]

things havent gone well to be completely honest, today was bad, he completely switched up his behavior, and things were super awkward and uncomfortable most of the day, he also insulted me a lot, I honestly dont know how tomorrow is gonna go. For context were staying over at a mutual friends house. If you havent followed any other posts, I recommend reading a few to catch up. So, me and him havent had a romantic thing going on for a while, we had a weird situationship and now were awkward somewhat friends, the past two days were really good, until today, where he completely switched again back to rude comments, etc. I'm not really sure how exactly i feel about him and about everything, but I dont know whats going to happen when we sleep over. I think ill be upset regardless, best case scenario probably is that nothing romantic happens, but we're friendly and genuinely get along well. The worst case is that we dont get along well and everything is awkward. the liminal space I dont know case scenario is that he makes some form of move on me, and I dont know what ill do if that particular thing happens yk? I honestly cant tell if i really want that to happen, or if I really dont want it to happen, if it does we might need to have some kind of talk, if it doesn't, everything is normal and fine and I think id be disappointed but yk whatever. Guuuuuhhhhhhhhh the whole situation is so difficult and i need it to be over already

For anyone who wanted an update, here it is

so, i found out he did actually bring the stuffed animal, I just didnt ask for it, i asked for it again to bring tomorrow, and we'll see if he will bring it but he seemed hesitant. I think I messed up because hes treating me badly again, he did the whole day, ignoring me, and insulting me, im pretty sick and tired of it honestly, obviously that measn he did not text me, which is understandable, but it makes me feel out of place. I dont even miss him to be honest, not like i used to crave him, I dont care very much that he didnt text me for the reason that i want to talk to him, i mainly care because it means hes not thinking about me. Its not like we ever had much to say anyways, but we found a way to talk regardless. It was dry and dull, but it was something. Now its nothing. But I digress, still unsure about what will happen when we sleep over, will update.

mixed signals and mixed feelings

hes been, nice? this is unusual for him, and I think I need it to stop, honestly I think hes just horny and lonely again, I really do not know, but hes been texting me? As someone who just spent the last few days mourning the fact that we hadnt messaged for like 20 days, that was fucking weird, and now were on a two day streak of texting? its, odd, and Im getting such mixed signals. He told me he would bring a plushy I liked today, and then didnt, I dont get it. He also posted about how he wanted to leave when we were sitting together I just do not get it whatsoever. I didnt even know if we were friends until I checked today and he refered to me as one kinda? so I guess we are. Im sure the reason hes being nice again and everything is to be actually friends again because, he missed my friendship, which is valid, but knowing how lonely hes been saying he is makes me, question his intentions. Whats bull is that every time we get closer, he runs away, and then im left confused as hell, this is not the first time hes done this either, its like a pattern and I honestly dont know that to do with it. If he tries to advance further physically I dont know what ill do, I still like him, but Im pretty sure he doesnt like me and is just lonely and horny, and I dont want that, but I still want him? Its so confusing, hes been letting me in too which is cool but im so lost, last week we were hardly speaking. Dont get me wrong Im happy, and i want this to continue going well as it is, I guess I want it to advance too, but that would make things, complicated. I want things to progress but at the same time I really dont. Whats worse is him treating me like im actually worth something makes me fall all over again and its so fucked. Im just so confused yk? I dont think even he knows what it is that he wants and its infuriating.

Worse even still, were staying over at a friends place, together, which might be why hes trying to repair things, to be fair its only for a night, but the last sleepover we had we were all over eachother and this is gonna be,, weird, im sure nothing will happen, even thogh I kinda want it to. One because I dont think he would go there again, and two because our friend is gonna be there, but who knows honestly. I really actually hope nothing will go down because then I have to talk to him about it probably and thats gonna be a whole thing and im so iuughhhhhhh kms. But I miss his body against mine yk? the whole thing is sooooo confusing, and I cant wait much longer im going insane. I want him so bad but I really need for nothing to happen yk?

now i am forced to somehow un-love you. as if i never craved your touch, your kiss, or simply your presence across the room. i am forced to pretend this heart is not longing for your return. we are now two strangers who shared a past, and an imaginary future together. i am forced to dry my tears at night and make myself believe this is for the better. my arms no longer have a home. and your absence will forever torment my soul.

- dee (i am forced to forget us)

"Have you ever been inlove? Horrible isn't it? It makes you vulnerable. It opens your chest  and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside and mess you up"

_Book[The kindly ones]

“Some people are going to leave but that’s not the end of your story. That’s the end of their part in your story.”

— Unknown