Ex Situationship - Tumblr Posts

i think i really am getting over you, i was afraid if i let myself i would, and now i am, and your fading from my mind, I care less and less as the days go by, now i miss missing you, please give me a sign before i let go of you for good, im begging you

when did "I love you" become a weapon, when did my arms become knives, when did I start to pierce your skin? when will i become the medicine, am I too much to become your medicine?

mixed signals and mixed feelings

hes been, nice? this is unusual for him, and I think I need it to stop, honestly I think hes just horny and lonely again, I really do not know, but hes been texting me? As someone who just spent the last few days mourning the fact that we hadnt messaged for like 20 days, that was fucking weird, and now were on a two day streak of texting? its, odd, and Im getting such mixed signals. He told me he would bring a plushy I liked today, and then didnt, I dont get it. He also posted about how he wanted to leave when we were sitting together I just do not get it whatsoever. I didnt even know if we were friends until I checked today and he refered to me as one kinda? so I guess we are. Im sure the reason hes being nice again and everything is to be actually friends again because, he missed my friendship, which is valid, but knowing how lonely hes been saying he is makes me, question his intentions. Whats bull is that every time we get closer, he runs away, and then im left confused as hell, this is not the first time hes done this either, its like a pattern and I honestly dont know that to do with it. If he tries to advance further physically I dont know what ill do, I still like him, but Im pretty sure he doesnt like me and is just lonely and horny, and I dont want that, but I still want him? Its so confusing, hes been letting me in too which is cool but im so lost, last week we were hardly speaking. Dont get me wrong Im happy, and i want this to continue going well as it is, I guess I want it to advance too, but that would make things, complicated. I want things to progress but at the same time I really dont. Whats worse is him treating me like im actually worth something makes me fall all over again and its so fucked. Im just so confused yk? I dont think even he knows what it is that he wants and its infuriating.

Worse even still, were staying over at a friends place, together, which might be why hes trying to repair things, to be fair its only for a night, but the last sleepover we had we were all over eachother and this is gonna be,, weird, im sure nothing will happen, even thogh I kinda want it to. One because I dont think he would go there again, and two because our friend is gonna be there, but who knows honestly. I really actually hope nothing will go down because then I have to talk to him about it probably and thats gonna be a whole thing and im so iuughhhhhhh kms. But I miss his body against mine yk? the whole thing is sooooo confusing, and I cant wait much longer im going insane. I want him so bad but I really need for nothing to happen yk?

things havent gone well to be completely honest, today was bad, he completely switched up his behavior, and things were super awkward and uncomfortable most of the day, he also insulted me a lot, I honestly dont know how tomorrow is gonna go. For context were staying over at a mutual friends house. If you havent followed any other posts, I recommend reading a few to catch up. So, me and him havent had a romantic thing going on for a while, we had a weird situationship and now were awkward somewhat friends, the past two days were really good, until today, where he completely switched again back to rude comments, etc. I'm not really sure how exactly i feel about him and about everything, but I dont know whats going to happen when we sleep over. I think ill be upset regardless, best case scenario probably is that nothing romantic happens, but we're friendly and genuinely get along well. The worst case is that we dont get along well and everything is awkward. the liminal space I dont know case scenario is that he makes some form of move on me, and I dont know what ill do if that particular thing happens yk? I honestly cant tell if i really want that to happen, or if I really dont want it to happen, if it does we might need to have some kind of talk, if it doesn't, everything is normal and fine and I think id be disappointed but yk whatever. Guuuuuhhhhhhhhh the whole situation is so difficult and i need it to be over already

For anyone who wanted an update, here it is

so, i found out he did actually bring the stuffed animal, I just didnt ask for it, i asked for it again to bring tomorrow, and we'll see if he will bring it but he seemed hesitant. I think I messed up because hes treating me badly again, he did the whole day, ignoring me, and insulting me, im pretty sick and tired of it honestly, obviously that measn he did not text me, which is understandable, but it makes me feel out of place. I dont even miss him to be honest, not like i used to crave him, I dont care very much that he didnt text me for the reason that i want to talk to him, i mainly care because it means hes not thinking about me. Its not like we ever had much to say anyways, but we found a way to talk regardless. It was dry and dull, but it was something. Now its nothing. But I digress, still unsure about what will happen when we sleep over, will update.

mixed signals and mixed feelings

hes been, nice? this is unusual for him, and I think I need it to stop, honestly I think hes just horny and lonely again, I really do not know, but hes been texting me? As someone who just spent the last few days mourning the fact that we hadnt messaged for like 20 days, that was fucking weird, and now were on a two day streak of texting? its, odd, and Im getting such mixed signals. He told me he would bring a plushy I liked today, and then didnt, I dont get it. He also posted about how he wanted to leave when we were sitting together I just do not get it whatsoever. I didnt even know if we were friends until I checked today and he refered to me as one kinda? so I guess we are. Im sure the reason hes being nice again and everything is to be actually friends again because, he missed my friendship, which is valid, but knowing how lonely hes been saying he is makes me, question his intentions. Whats bull is that every time we get closer, he runs away, and then im left confused as hell, this is not the first time hes done this either, its like a pattern and I honestly dont know that to do with it. If he tries to advance further physically I dont know what ill do, I still like him, but Im pretty sure he doesnt like me and is just lonely and horny, and I dont want that, but I still want him? Its so confusing, hes been letting me in too which is cool but im so lost, last week we were hardly speaking. Dont get me wrong Im happy, and i want this to continue going well as it is, I guess I want it to advance too, but that would make things, complicated. I want things to progress but at the same time I really dont. Whats worse is him treating me like im actually worth something makes me fall all over again and its so fucked. Im just so confused yk? I dont think even he knows what it is that he wants and its infuriating.

Worse even still, were staying over at a friends place, together, which might be why hes trying to repair things, to be fair its only for a night, but the last sleepover we had we were all over eachother and this is gonna be,, weird, im sure nothing will happen, even thogh I kinda want it to. One because I dont think he would go there again, and two because our friend is gonna be there, but who knows honestly. I really actually hope nothing will go down because then I have to talk to him about it probably and thats gonna be a whole thing and im so iuughhhhhhh kms. But I miss his body against mine yk? the whole thing is sooooo confusing, and I cant wait much longer im going insane. I want him so bad but I really need for nothing to happen yk?

I wonder if you know. I wonder if you know I still fantasize about the little things. I want you in a way I dont think Ive ever wanted anyone before, but I know you don't want me. You just want someone to warm the bed at night. But no matter how hard I try, you dont want it to be me.

Title

You were right.

I told you back then that you were hurting me. That the words that lashed out of your mouth stung like alcohol over a fresh wound. You told me that you knew and that I shouldn't let you treat me that way. I told you that it was okay, that I was fine because I had you, and you could do anything you wanted to, just because its you.

Its been a month, and you were right. You being the one who hurts me doesnt make it easier to handle, no, it made it harder. Now I wont take the way you treated me, and you dont like it. You were right, and I was never the problem. I never should have let you treat me that way, just because you dont like it, doesnt mean I have to let you step all over me to get your own feelings out.

i just want to hold you and watch the world fall away

Thinking about how we're forever going to be either in a homoerotic friendship, not friends at all, or awkward, but its not forever because in a year we'll both be moving to different places, and probably not talk much and then its over. Right now it feels like the end of the world but realistically, its just the end of us, and we'll both move on, meet new people, maybe one day we'll tell our kids about each other, a piece of him will always stay with me, but we dont have all the time in the world, a year is like nothing, soon ill be like nothing to him. Im not sure if thats good or not. I want him but he doesn't want me, he just wants someone. That someone cant be me though, we tried it and it didnt work and so now ill be on the sidelines until we inevitablely go our seperate ways, its still painful though, I think im going to miss him for the rest of my life.

i find that my dreams are the only place I can truely live a life with you, but even in my dreams, we are never together

i wish youd just figure yourself out. i know you dont want me, but you dont. you dont tell me you want me, not directly, not even slightly. i reached out to touch you, you didnt pull away, but you didn't push your fingers out to grasp mine either. but i know you think you love me. when we were, whatever we were, you knew i looked through your pintrest, your music, because i wanted to know you. you told me that was too much and i felt too much for you. that i liked you far more than you liked me, and that hurt. now youve been dropping hints, that you've looked through my Pinterest, or my music, and that hurts. it hurts because i know you dont miss me. you miss what i was for you, you miss what i could do for you. I was there for you when no one else could be, i gave you the love and affection you so desperately needed, and that is what you miss, not me. I wish you knew that, i wish you saw that in my eyes as i beg for you to want me. not what i can do for you, but really and truely me. you think im annoying, childish, a pest. you dont even know me. you think i talk too much, that im too loud, that i make the stupidest jokes, you think im annoying. and yet, you cant stop missing how loved you felt with me, you desire love so desperately that you're willing to push aside the fact that you feel annoyed at my presence, to fool yourself into believing its me that you want, because there's no one else you can have. but im more than just a last resort, I know that, i wish you did too.

i just think the contrast is really funny

how am i realistically supposed to move on, when we were always just friends, nothing has changed in title, nothing ever did, we were friends, friends that kissed, bit, and held eachother. and now were just friends still, but i dont hold you, you hardly look at me, you dont even want to talk to me, not to hear my voice, just to get back to normality. you hate the way i act, you hate that i talk too much, too loud, you think im annoying, and yet, were friends? how can so many interactions, so many lives fit into such a small mold, "friends." so now, youre my friend, but i dont like being around you, you make me feel bad about myself, but when im not with you i miss you terribly. im constantly filled with this anger that i cant get out. im mad at you for giving me a chance and then taking it away, im mad at you for not knowing that you couldnt love me, im mad at the situation, because theres nothing i can do, no options that will make things better for us in any way. im just. mad.

i just hate him, but more than i hate him i hate that it cant and wont ever work.

If you were my boyfriend I'd clean my room, just on the off chance that you might come over. If you were my boyfriend, id brush my teeth just incase your lips wanted to hold mine. If you were my boyfriend id shower with the most viger, just incase your hands found my body. If you were my boyfriend, I would buy you flowers, hold you when you were sad, kiss you when you wanted it, smile when you laugh. If you were my boyfriend id do anything for you. But your not, and you never will be.

youre posting about love, about finding the one for you.

im posting about love, about how you never wanted to be the one for me.

i cant be happy in forgetting you finally, because the moment i realize you've been forgotten, i remember.

the past couple times taking the bus, ive hated it. now the public bus, grandted has never been a wonderful place, but until recently i enjoyed the murmer of the bus, the people watching, standing so others could sit, the faint smells that you cant quite place but you know arent right. it was all okay, a short escape in which i have no responsibility but to get to where i need to go, and sit until my stop comes. recently i haven't been able to feel at peace because you invade my thoughts. i think about the week before you gave up on me, it wasnt a great week, but we joked about you just taking my bus. You had said you would have loved to, and i told you "next time". there wasnt a next time. there never was, and there never would've been. so many chances that we didnt take, there was an infinitesimal pool of "next times" forever to be a figurative realization of our errors. so now i sit on the bus, alone, the seat next to me empty, as it always was, maybe it always will be. how can i miss a ghost. a figment of my imagination, what could have been tourtures me every day, more than how you treated me, more than reality, your silhouette teasing me, whispering about what couldve been haunts me. i miss the memories we never shared, the person that never was.

i think it says a lot that all of his songs are about not being able to love, and mine are about hating myself for not being loveable.

"no psh im over him i dont care anymore" (listening to his playlist, looking at his pinterest, looking through old pictures)