Kissthekillercobra - Tumblr Blog

may have told my friends i’ll go back to australia this week, but it may be a little white lie. because i’m sat here, hiding out in my apartment with you because i can’t fathom the thought of being without you, and dragging you to los angeles was enough. yet alone to drag you to another country. and i know that you’re going to have to go home soon and i’m going to fight the urge not to follow you back to barcelona. when we first met i spent 5 days with you before i went on tour and then begged you every other day to come see me. shut up i’m not obsessed and that i don’t want you, i don’t need you. walk away or go home and watch me beg you to stay.

be intense. be needy. be the worst girlfriend you used to be.

don’t be afraid of her anymore xx

girlfriend? girlfriend!!!

i just fixed myself and the mess that was, and now i’ve gotta go write a whole new album to reinvent myself again. was here me sucks, i want to kill her off so bad.

forget i fucking exist.

if you were waitin' on the sunshine, blue sky, cheap high, lullaby then my best habit's letting you down. and if you're searching for a sure thing, nice dream, somethin' like a machine then my best habit's letting you down.

𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐒𝐨 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐞, 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞?

excerpts from a book I’ll never write

— Virginia Woolf

— David Foster Wallace, The Pale King

i grew up in a small house near a cemetery, could hear them howl as they lower the ones they love in the ground. i pulled out my own baby teeth, the pain never seemed to bother me. i made friends with the kids down the street..

and i still lose it every now & then in an interview, or a photoshoot. i could be halfway through a show and it all comes creeping in. and i've sacrificed all my friends birthdays, weddings, everything, and it's heartbreaking but this is my dream. and i did it all without a phone call, or a christmas card. you have no heart. this is my way of saying don't start.

and you should see the shows i play, and hear them sing the words i say. i wonder sometimes if you are in the crowd. 'cause i needed help, i needed love, i needed care, i needed a hug, i needed praise, i needed time with you. and it plays on my mind all the time, all the time. i wanna love you but i need you to try.

don't start now i'm winning and finally happy. don't start now i've done all the years of hard work. don't start taking over, and asking for favours.

i'm an idiot. made my bed, so ig i'll lay in it now lol

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Sylvia Plath

Ocean Vuong, “A Letter to my Mother that She Will Never Read” The New Yorker, May 2017 

i wonder what it’s like to have someone choose you and just keep choosing you over and over and never getting bored of you or fed up with you or replacing you with someone else

Eat Clean

People who wound us get no say in how we clean up the blood.

Harriet Selina

she gives me an ego bigger than the fucking world.

my last post is soooo irrelevant actually. she wasn't mad at all. maybe in fact mad FOR me, so take with that what you will. whatever. we're doing great and we're going to keep doing great because you know what? i fucking love her, and i want to bury myself in her any fucking chance i get. and that's what i fucking deserve.

i admitted to her i cheated on my ex with han, and why is that the thing i'm so anxious about ruining everything.

so silly of me to still be thinking about a silly little fight that happened two days ago, and about how silly i feel for it all and that i couldn't just open up without shutting down first. without thinking someone would rather leave me than figure shit out with me. because my default reaction to any fight is to shut down because of you. becuase you made me feel so silly, and so fucking stupid about everything i felt. yet everything i felt was still completely valid. i can't even tell a girl about how i feel when i feel it, without having a meltdown in my mind first, because that's how things always were with you. i was always happy, pretending to be happy, had to be happy to keep you happy. i had to be little myself for you, and lessen myself and my personality for you, that i'm not even fucking sure i can dive deep enough to get that bonnie back. she tells me i'm cold, like i'm not the bonnie i told her i could be- i'm holding back that bonnie because of you. because every little thing i felt was soooo fucking mundane to you.

i feel so fucking stupid. i want that bonnie back.

just wanted to put this here, to have something to look at when i need it, without outting my blog by reblogging it.

i love her sooo much. so so fucking much. i don't even have the words to describe how much she means to me right now, but fuck it makes me so afraid of losing her. a love like this is something unbreakable from the outside. i haven't had a love as deeply as this, so quickly. bebe, you terrify me, yet you excite me. holy fuck.

we love a girl who can't talk about her shit and just shuts down all the fucking time aka me lmao