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‘I OWE HER MY LIFE’- Jeon Jungkook

Masterlist

✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

Genre: angst, fluff

Pairing: comforting, idol!Jungkook X sad, 8th member!F!Reader

Summary: You love Bts and Army, but you don’t think you’re made for this lifestyle. So you’ve been considering leaving the group. But how will Jungkook, the one that loves you the most, react?

Warnings/tags: mention of sasaengs, and death threats (only mentions, no details), reader feels depressed, Jungkook is extremely attached, Jungkook comforts you, sad Jungkook, crying, hugs and a lovely Jungkook.

Word count: ~1,2k

✿✼:*ﾟ:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

It’s been a long time you’ve been in BTS, the biggest band in the world… maybe around 5 years? You’ve had tours, fan meetings, collaborations, invitations… but also had death threats, sasaengs, people ringing at your door, and harassing you in the streets.

You’re a strong woman. Very strong. But you had limits, and limits got crossed over. This wasn’t the life you wanted; you just wanted some money to help your family. But now, you have the money without your family. You had to leave them from a young age, and with so much work and pressure, your relations with them got damaged. You believe that they won’t come back no matter what. But then, what was all of that for? Working so hard day and night since you’re 13, for nothing but money and fame.

Realizing how much better your life would’ve been without fame… tears form in your eyes. You love Bts, and you love Army, but maybe you weren’t made for this.

‘They‘ll understand. They love me too’

you reassured yourself, scared of expressing the decision you’re considering more and more; leaving Bts. Leaving the cameras, fame, and infinite money for an easier life. You try to imagine how Bts will react…

Namjoon, the one that you grew up with, that made you who you are today, comforted you every needed time and that considered you as his own sister.

Jin, that considered you as his very own daughter, bringing you to school and cooking for you.

Yoongi and Hoseok, bringing you to your bed when you fell asleep on the couch and went to the school reunions for parents.

Taehyung and Jimin being your closest friends you ever had, your big brothers, teasing you and bickering each other all the time. But always being there for each other.

And Jungkook that… loved you deeply. Very deeply. More than anyone else.

He always gave you lovely gifts, like portraits, drawings and paintings of you, and even tried sculpting you. Once, he gave you an album full of pictures he took himself of you, to prove you you were beautiful at your most insecure time. He gave you letters all the time, and was the type to write “Jungkook, you’re not so secret admirer :) ” as a signature. And always gave you the best Netflix and chill nights. Buying popcorns, letting you chose the movie, buying channels just for you, making his bedroom cozy with cute lights and more.

You were hung up on his walls. Said you were his love, passion and happiness as a person. And said he’d be your guardian angel the day he leaves.

“I’m not scared of dying because I know we’ll never really be too far from each other. In our next life, we’ll meet again, and love each other like we always did.” he said…

Tears roll down your cheek. How are you going to tell him? Will he get mad? Sad? Tons of questions go through your head as you blow your nose and throw the tissue. Will he hate you? Understand you? Does he feel the same thing? You blow your nose once again and throw the tissue. Suddenly, the door opens.

‘Y/n!! Why are you crying?!’

Jungkook comes in running and gets in front of you making sure to close the door behind him. He looks at you with worried eyes as you wipe away your tears, acting like nothing happened.

‘Y/n Im not joking! Please baby, tell me what’s wrong. You can talk to me you know it.’

He whispers the last part, taking care to not frighten you and to make you feel safe, protected. As you look at him in the eyes, you sitting on the edge of the bed and him crouching down to talk to you, he cups your face in his big hands, gets closer and kisses your forehead.

‘Jungkook… I… I’m not sure what to feel about being in Bts anymore… I’m scared, and lost… It’s not like I really want to leave but it feels like it’s the only way out…’

You look down, scared of how he’ll react. He’ll think you’re a traitor, you think…

There’s a silence. A long one. You wouldn’t be able to tell how long it was nor if it was uncomfortable or not. But it felt like hours. You hear him taking a deep breath in before saying in a weak voice:

‘Y/n… you can’t be real. You’re not thinking about leaving Bts right? You’re joking?’

He asks, sounding like he was about to cry. You slowly nod, making him understand that yes, you were indeed, considering it.

‘What’s wrong? What made you think about this? Y/n Im ready to do anything for you. Anything! Tell me what do you need I’ll do it! I’ll give it to you!’

He sounds desperate. You finally look back at him, tears still rolling down your cheeks but he gently wipes them away with his thumb. He gets on the bed and hugs you tight. His chest moving irregularly, strongly. And his arms holding you extremely close to him.

‘Im just… I’m tired! I’m tired of everything. I’ve tried having breaks, I really did! But nothing have worked…I’m exhausted Jungkook…I really am… and I’m sorry…’

You say. Your nose gets even redder. You almost can’t see due to the amount of tears your shining eyes are holding.

‘Put the blame on me. Put all of your worries in me. Give me all of your stress, fears, pressure. I’ll take it. I gladly will.’

He gets back.

‘Give me all of your pain. I know you’re suffering so put it all on me. Please.’

He yells in a whisper. He doesn’t want to scare you and he meant everything he said. He’s ready to do anything for you, even if it meant dying, or getting tortured till the end of his days.

You saved him and always comforted him when he wasn’t feeling good. So that’s what he told himself: ‘I owe her my life’. From the moment he realized how important you are to him, he knew he’d dedicate his whole life to you. There wasn’t any point in doing anything without you. And in fact, you were his whole life. He always did the most for you. He hugs you again…

‘It’ll be all right… I’m here… I’m right here.’

He whispers onto your neck, slightly laying a few kisses on it. You hold tight onto his hair and let your body rest in his strong arms. Tired from crying so much, you fell asleep. He laid you down on the bed, changed your clothes for pajamas, and stayed beside you. He spent the whole night cuddling you and whispering good things in your ear such as ‘you’re strong’, ‘you can do it’, or ‘I’m right here’.

He let you sleep as much as you needed and instead of not leaving until you wake up, he decided to make your favorite breakfast then decorated and cleaned the whole apartment.

He was right. It’ll be all right, he’s here…

Masterlist

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Broken Glass

After your confession to your best friend Jimin gets rejected he tells you he’s just not ready for a relationship. However, you’re not ready when you find out a few weeks later that he’s seeing someone else.

Sitting on the couch next to Jimin, your best friend and roommate, he slowly slipped his hand into yours. You couldn’t look up to make eye contact worried that once you did you wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears any longer. “Y/N trust me. It’s not that I don’t care about you. You just don’t want to be with me.” he said.

You had just confessed your feelings to him and the worst case scenario happened, he rejected you. Jimin seeing that you were still upset he started to rub your back, “It’s not you Y/N. It’s me.” You couldn’t stop the sarcastic chuckle and eye roll that followed, “Really? Don’t lie to me. You can tell me whats wrong with me. I think I deserve better than some cliché response. I just ruined our friendship by confessing my feelings and it was all for nothing.”

You could feel the tears start to spill. Jimin reached up and wiped them away with his thumb, “You didn’t ruin our friendship. Nothing is going to change. I promise. I still care deeply about you Y/N. I just don’t think this is what we need right now. It has nothing to do with you. I think you’re amazing in every way. I’m just not in the place for a relationship right now.” He pulled you in for a hug and you hated to admit how comforting it was. You hated even more that he was still comforting you as a friend.

As the next few weeks went on you were surprised at how closely things had returned to normal between you and him. He still had breakfast waiting for you every morning and every evening he made sure to tell you goodnight. The two of you still hosted movie night once a week for your friends. He still pulled you close to him on the couch making sure you were warm and comfy. You were silently watching the movie when you heard Jungkook start to speak, “So Jimin, are you going to see that girl again?” You looked up and saw Jimins cheeks start to redden. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Maybe it was one of the other guys you’re thinking of.”, he said trying to pass it off. Jungkook shook his head, “No it was definitely you. Remember that trainee you were talking to? You said you were taking her on a date. How did it go?” The rest of your friends all looked over inquisitively waiting for a response.

There was an immediate tension in the room. At least he didn’t tell everyone else about what happened between you too. You were a mix of hurt and anger even though you knew you had no control over what he did in his life. He turned you down and that’s his right, but you couldn’t help the hurt you felt. Jimin finally cleared his throat, “Umm yeah she’s really nice. I’ll probably see her again.” You were so happy when out of the corner of your eye you saw the credits rolling on the screen signaling the movie had ended. Normally you’d try to convince the guys to stay longer not wanting the fun to end but today you couldn’t wait for everyone to leave so you could make your way to bed and be to yourself. You quickly started cleaning up the dishes hoping everyone would get the hint.

Thankfully it didn’t take long for Namjoon to announce he had to head home and soon everyone else followed. While standing at the kitchen sink you could feel Jimins eyes staring at you. He walked over and started drying the plates you had just washed, “Y/N please don’t be upset with me. I never wanted to hurt you.” Taking a deep breath you turned to look at him, “I’m not upset. You made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. You can date anyone that you want. I’m happy for you.” With that you threw the rag in the sink hoping to get to your room before the tears started falling.

You could hear Jimin chasing after you calling your name. He grabbed your hand just before you could get your door open. “If you’re so happy for me then why are you acting like this? I never said I didn’t want anything to do with you. You’re still my best friend.”, he said. You scoffed, “You also said that you just weren’t in the right place for a relationship right now but three weeks later you’re dating some trainee? And you said it wasn’t me. Well clearly there has to be something that you don’t like about me.”

Jimin was becoming angrier with each word you said. Quickly he ran his hands through his hair, “God Y/N, why cant you just accept my answer and leave it at that. I told you it had nothing to do with you and I meant it. They asked me to help this trainee with her dancing. After a while I knew she liked me so I thought I’d ask her out. It’s not like I’m gonna marry her.”

“Oh so you’re just using the poor girl?”, you scoffed. He shook his head, “ No you’re twisting my words. Do you think acting like a spoiled brat is going to want to make me date you? It’s none of your business what I do in my personal life or who I do it with.” You wiped the few tears that had trickled down your cheek, “You’re right. It’s none of my business. But just please answer one question for me. What do you like about her?” You hated this side of you. This jealous side that wanted to compare yourself to some girl you didn’t even know. Frustrated and fed up Jimin looked at you biting his lip, “You want to know the truth Y/N. I like her because she’s not you.”

Nodding in acceptance you turned into your room and slammed the door shut behind you before falling onto your bed finally releasing the flood of tears you had been holding for so long. Not long after you heard the front door open and close and you knew that Jimin had left the apartment. You cried until you felt like you couldn’t cry any more. He liked another girl simply because she wasn’t you. You knew there was probably more to it but that was enough for you to hear.

Laying in your bed you didn’t know why you ever confessed to begin with. You had a good friendship. He was always there for you when you needed him. He took care of you when you were sick. He always tried to cheer you up and be there when you were down. A small smile formed when you thought back to the time he came walking into the living room in a silly costume trying to make you laugh after you came home inconsolable after your boyfriend suddenly dumped you on your birthday three years ago. You remembered how Jimin held you and listed every great thing about you. Maybe it was all those actions that caused you to think he had also fallen for you too but you were clearly mistaken.

After having fallen asleep you were woken up by a loud crash coming from the living room. You quickly ran out of your bedroom finding a very drunk Jimin laying in a pile of glass on the floor. He had lost his balance falling right onto the glass coffee table the two of you picked out when you bought the apartment. Thankfully he was wearing long pants and long sleeves so he didn’t appear to be injured. Normally taking care of a drunk Jimin was something you wouldn’t think twice about. You’d almost enjoy it because drunk Jimin was always happy and giggly and touchy Jimin. Now the thought of him touching you made your stomach turn but you knew you couldn’t leave him there. You put on some shoes to protect your feet and tiptoed around as much of the glass as you could. Carefully you helped Jimin up and laid him on the couch begging him to stay so you could go get the broom. When you returned he was thankfully still in the same spot but he was no longer the laughing giggly mess he was when you found him on the floor. He looked somber, like he could cry at any moment.

You began sweeping up the glass checking on Jimin every minute or so. It was when you made eye contact with him that he finally spoke, “Y/N, what would you do if I told you I loved you?” Not wanting to go through this right now you pretended you didn’t hear him and took him to get him ready for bed. He’s drunk anyways. He’ll forget all about this in the morning. Once he was tucked in you turned to leave but he grabbed your hand pulling you onto the bed. He wrapped himself around you and squeezed you tight.

As much as you wanted to stay there and take it all in you pushed yourself away from him, “You have a girlfriend Jimin. I shouldn’t be in bed with you.” He shook his head, “I don’t have a girlfriend. I told her that I wasn’t interested and that I was sorry for leading her on. You were right. I was using her. I was hoping if I was with her I could forget about you.” You stared down at him shaking your head, “You’re drunk. You have no idea what you’re saying.” Not wanting to hear any more you left his room and went to finish cleaning up the rest of the glass.

The following morning you woke up and decided the first thing you needed was a hot shower. After getting cleaned up and changed you made your way out to the kitchen but stopped when you found Jimin on the couch. You didn’t expect him to be awake this early. He looks just how you’d expect someone with a major hangover to look. “I just ordered us a new table. It should be here next week.”, he said. You simply nodded and continued talking to the kitchen. Surprisingly your breakfast was already waiting for you, like always. “We’re out of cheese so your eggs don’t have any today. I’m sorry.”, Jimin said while standing in the doorway. Silently you sat down and began to eat. He sat next to you and sipped his coffee. The two of you sat in silence until he finally spoke up, “Y/N you never answered me last night.” You looked at him confused. “I asked you what would you do if I told you I loved you and you never gave me an answer.” This is not what you want to deal with right now. You sighed, “Why does it matter at this point? I confessed, you rejected me, and you moved on. I don’t want to keep going on this rollercoaster.”

You felt his hand settle on your thigh. “Y/N I’m sorry about the last few weeks. When you confessed I got scared. I’ve been wanting to confess to you too but I don’t think I’d be a good boyfriend. I need a lot of reassurance and attention. I work a lot and I leave for months at a time. We can’t have a normal relationship. I didn’t want to put that burden on you. I thought I was protecting you.” “You didn’t want to put that burden on me so you started dating someone else instead?”, was all you could respond with. He closed he eyes trying to prevent the tears threatening to fall, “No, I knew she really liked me and I was feeling so awful that I rejected you. I was hoping that maybe I could force myself to fall in love with her instead. I never had feelings for her. All I could think about was loosing you forever. I’m just an idiot who handled this all wrong.”

You sat there silently just taking all this information in. “You are an idiot. That’s for sure.”, you said getting a smile for the first time in awhile. “I can’t believe you thought you’d be a burden. I’ve seen you at your best and I’ve seen you as your worst and I’ve been there with you through it all. I always would be.”, you said before kissing his cheek.

“Do you feel as bad as you look?”, you asked with a chuckle. He rested his head in hands, “You have no idea. I’m never drinking that much again.” “I feel like I’ve heard that before,” you said which brought a laugh in both of you. “You know I heard that cuddling with your girlfriend in bed all day is one of the fastest ways to cure a hangover.”, he said eyeing you for a reaction. “Well too bad you just broke up with your girlfriend then. Looks like you’ll have to stick to water and some pain killers.”, you responded. He pouted and opened his mouth to protest but you stopped him. “I’m kidding. Let’s go cuddle until you feel better.”, you said while grabbing his bad and pulling him to the bedroom.

all of eoieopda's bts fics + drabbles are linked below the cut.

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🗝 key

☁️ — fluff 🌊 — angst ⚡️ — smut ⭐️ — series, spin-off, or prequel/sequel 🎙️ — part of the 1k drabblepalooza milestone event 📓 — part of the 2k drabblepalooza milestone event 🌱 — w.i.p.

navigation. permanent taglist. request rules. headcanons.

aphelion ⭐️ 🌊 ⚡️// prequel to lacuna, strangers to lovers to exes au // kim namjoon was as perfect when you lost him as he was when you found him. — listen to the playlist.

lacuna ⭐️ 🌊 ⚡️ // sequel to aphelion, ex-boyfriend au // in his twenty-eight years, kim namjoon had made countless mistakes. most of them were insignificant and could be shoved easily enough into the back corner of his mind. the worst of them were all tied for first place, keeping him up at night. loving you, losing you, and now - picking up the phone. — listen to the playlist.

redamancy ⭐️☁️⚡️// sequel to lacuna, exes to lovers au // Kim Namjoon wasn't known for making wise decisions. He acted first and, on rare occasions, he asked questions later. The path he'd taken so far was left broken behind him, but the light at the end of that tunnel sure looked a hell of a lot like you. — listen to the playlist.

the one with namjoon and the necktie ⚡️📓 // corporate au, workplace rivals to ? au // in which namjoon learns who really has the upper hand. — request fill, 6/21/23

the one where namjoon is a fuck boy at a house party ⚡️ // one-night stand au // in which meeting namjoon for the third time's the charm. — request fill, 12/8/22

the one where namjoon is a "girl dad" ☁️ // established relationship au, dad!joon au // in which namjoon's fondness for crabs might be genetic. — request fill, 12/18/22

the one where namjoon takes you to nyc for christmas ☁️ // established relationship au // in which namjoon has encyclopedic knowledge of the tree at rockefeller plaza. — request fill, 1/16/23

"anywhere" by rita ora ☁️🎙️ // established relationship au //in which namjoon takes you around the world in 80 30 days. — request fill, 1/21/23

"tomorrow's ours" by lights follow ☁️🎙️ // established relationship au // in which namjoon can cure a bad day. — request fill, 1/7/23

the one with namjoon and the u-haul ☁️📓 // brother's best friend au // in which namjoon is buff, jungkook is late, & you're trapped in an elevator. — request fill, 4/12/23

the one with namjoon and the graveyard shift ☁️📓 // doctor au, friends to something au // in which there are two doctors working overnight in the emergency department and only one bed. — request fill, 6/25/23

meet me at the bar ☁️⚡️// law school au, best friends to lovers au // you're supposed to be staring down the barrel of the last — and most important — examination of your life, but you only have eyes for your study buddy.

mmatb: epilogue ⭐️ ☁️ // epilogue drabble for meet me at the bar // as it turns out, there is life after the bar exam.

the one where you cook your friend-slash-roommate, seokjin, dinner ⭐️☁️ // roommates au, friends to lovers au // in which seokjin may have feelings & also food poisoning. — request fill, 12/4/22

the one where seokjin stops being your friend-slash-roommate ⭐️☁️ // roommates au, friends to lovers au // in which seokjin says he loves you & you spit on him. — request fill, 12/18/22

the one with kim seokjin and kim seokjin ☁️ // established relationship au // in which seokjin has a surprise & you can’t get mad, okay? — 12/18/22

the one where seokjin is jealous ☁️ // established relationship au // in which seokjin is a wee bit possessive & jimin is a lawless flirt. — request fill, 12/18/22

the one where your husband, seokjin, is domestic af ☁️ // established relationship au // in which seokjin takes "laundry day" very seriously. — request fill, 12/25/22

the one with seokjin and his fishing partner ☁️🎙 // established relationship au, dad!jin au // in which seokjin finally finds a kim who enjoys fishing. — request fill, 12/30/22

the one with seokjin, soju, and all the stars in the sky ☁️ // established relationship au // in which seokjin is ripped, zipped, zooted, and madly in love. — request fill, 2/26/23

"feel the same" by the millennial club ☁️🎙 // doctor au, friends to lovers au // in which seokjin has sudden, acute lovesickness. — request fill, 1/11/23

the one with seokjin and the marathon ☁️📓 // friends to lovers au // in which seokjin has a lot of thoughts about rupaul's drag race & about you. — request fill, 4/8/23

the one with seokjin and without complaints ☁️📓 // fake dating au, friends to lovers au // in which you’re bad with directions and keeping secrets. — request fill, 5/11/23

"seven" by taylor swift 🌊🎙 // friends to strangers au // in which you can't recall seokjin's name but you've still got love for him. — request fill, 12/31/22

darksided series masterlist

foresight ⭐️☁️⚡️// (flashback) prequel to darksided & blindsided, strangers to lovers au // it all started with a bad joke and a bottle of tanqueray. — listen to the playlist.

darksided ⭐️⚡️ // established relationship au // min yoongi adored you. he'd simply never hurt you — unless you asked. — listen to the playlist.

blindsided ⭐️⚡️ // sequel to darksided, established relationship au // after years of dating, you thought you had min yoongi all figured out — you didn't, and when he flipped the script on you, you never saw it coming. — listen to the playlist.

hindsight 🌱⭐️☁️⚡️// sequel to blindsided, established relationship au // tba

the one where yoongi loves to tease his shy gf ☁️ // established relationship au // in which yoongi loves making you blush in public. — request fill, 12/16/22

the one with yoongi, the cat, and the turf war ☁️ // established relationship au // in which yoongi is jealous of your cat. — request fill, 2/27/23

the one with yoongi, netflix, and zero chill ☁️ // fuck buddies to ? au // in which yoongi has possessions & hobbies… the fuck? — 3/10/23

the one with the dough boy and the grease ball ☁️📓 // childhood friends to ? au, hallmark-esque au // in which someone returns to their hometown, and there are family businesses to run, and stuff. — request fill, 6/14/23

"can't remember to forget you" by shakira ft. rihanna ⚡️🎙️ // exes to… nope, still exes au // in which yoongi is the “best man” & the worst mistake. — request fill, 1/15/23

the one with yoongi and the fucking hydrangeas 🌊📓 // childhood friends to lovers au // in which the runaway bride runs straight to yoongi. — request fill, 4/8/23

interlude: sunrise ⭐️☁️ // darksided au, established relationship au // two years after your first night with min yoongi, you wake up next to him in a parisian hotel.

interlude: sundown ⭐️⚡️// darksided au, established relationship au // as it turns out, your boyfriend can take as much as he gives.

the one where yoongi takes care of you ⭐️☁️ // darksided au, established relationship au // in which you are sick, but yoongi is down bad. — request fill, 11/30/23

problem ⭐️ // darksided au, established relationship au, halloween special // yoongi’s got a problem, and she’s dressed like elvira hancock.

dadchwita vol. i ⭐️☁️ // darksided au, established relationship au // in which you & yoongi have three kids but no sleep. — request fill, 12/23/22

dadchwita vol. ii ⭐️☁️ // darksided au, established relationship au // in which yoongi learns to braid your daughter’s hair. — request fill, 1/2/23

“what sarah said” by death cab for cutie ⭐️🌊🎙️ // darksided au, established relationship au // in which yoongi keeps his vow. — request fill, 12/26/22

liar, liar ⚡️// fwb au // hoseok suspects that you’re “phoning it in” while sexting and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t call your bluff.

the one with hoseok and the teapots (tw: miscarriage implied) 🌊 // hurt/comfort, established relationship au // in which hoseok is fucking sorry, too. — request fill, 3/3/23

the one where hobi loves you - not despite, but regardless (tw: depression) 🌊 // hurt/comfort, established relationship au // in which "the chair" is no match for hoseok. — request fill, 12/6/22

the one where hoseok plays with fire 🌊⚡️📓 // star-crossed lovers au, rival gangs au // in which you are the secret that hoseok would die to keep. — request fill, 4/14/23

"only for a moment" by lola marsh 🌊🎙️ // friends with benefits au, unrequited love au // in which hoseok stays the night but not the morning. — request fill, 1/28/23

"we'll never have sex" by leith ross ☁️🎙️ // newly-established relationship au // in which hoseok kisses you just to kiss you, not to take you home. — request fill, 12/28/22

the one where hoseok comes home ☁️ // established relationship au, october 2024 au // in which love looks different every day, but hoseok never changes. — 4/17/23

the one with hoseok and the magic fingers ☁️📓 // co-workers to ? au // in which there is only one (1) bed. — request fill, 5/24/33

the one with hoseok and the palm reader ☁️📓 // university au, meet cute / strangers to ? au // in which hoseok’s fate line suggests that he’s unlucky, but your presence at this house party suggests otherwise. — request fill, 6/23/23

menace ⭐️ 🌊⚡️// fuck buddies who hate each other au, brother’s best friend au, completed // just because you hate him doesn’t mean you can’t fuck him.

"NFWMB" by hozier ⚡️🎙️ // established relationship au // in which jimin wants to be held by you, felled by you... — request fill, 12/8/22

the one with jimin and all that turbulence⚡️ // one-night flight stand au // in which jimin founds the metric equivalent of the mile high club. — request fill, 3/18/23

the one with the hall pass ⚡️ // established relationship au, threesome // in which you and your boyfriend, taehyung, both want to fuck his best friend. — request fill, 8/13/23

the one with jimin and the synonyms ☁️📓 // established relationship au // in which jimin is the king of mental health days. — request fill, 4/28/23

the one where you drunk dial jimin with approx. 5-7 feelings ☁️ // friends to lovers au, idiots in love au // in which jimin commits 43% of the seven deadly sins in one fell swoop. — request fill, 12/23/22

the one with jimin and the boomerang ☁️ // friends to lovers au // in which jimin ponders death, taxes, and other inevitable things. — request fill, 3/6/23

the one with the clownfish and the anemone ☁️📓 // fuck buddies to friends to lovers au // in which your relationship with jimin goes backwards. — request fill, 6/24/23

the one where your brother, jimin, believes you (tw: implied sexual assault) 🌊 // hurt/comfort, siblings au // in which jimin is there to listen if & when you want to talk. — request fill, 12/17/22

reckless serenade ⭐️⚡️ // sequel to “the bad thing” drabble, infidelity au // your husband hasn’t looked at you in months, but his co-worker, kim taehyung, can’t keep his eyes off you.

"the bad thing" by arctic monkeys ⭐️⚡️🎙️ // infidelity au // in which taehyung takes a big swing and your wedding ring. — request fill, 1/5/23

the one with the hall pass ⚡️ // established relationship au, threesome // in which you and your boyfriend, taehyung, both want to fuck his best friend. — request fill, 8/13/23

the one where taehyung buys you mandu and tampons during your period ☁️ // hurt/comfort, established relationship au // in which taehyung is not only a good boy, but the best boy. — request fill, 12/23/22

the one where taehyung skips a date to build your ikea furniture ☁️ // childhood friends to lovers au // in which taehyung sacrifices his friday night to the hasvik. — request fill, 1/25/23

the one with taehyung and the rook 🌊📓 // enemies to lovers au, chaebol au // in which taehyung plays the long game. — request fill, 5/4/23

the one with taehyung’s indecent proposal 📓☁️ ⚡️// fake relationship au, fuck buddies to ? au // in which taehyung would rather die than show up single to a class reunion. — request fill, 6/12/23

stay ☁️ ⚡️ // best friends to lovers au // “jungkook." his name was merely a sigh flying out of your lungs and through your parted lips. “if we do this — if we go down this road — how do we go back?”  — listen to the playlist.

title tbd 🌱🌊⚡️ // enemies to lovers au, post-nuclear apocalypse au (insp. by fallout series), raider!jk // tba

the one with jungkook, the weekender, and the impossibilities 🌊 // established relationship au // in which jungkook is bad at prioritizing & somehow even worse with words. — request fill, 3/18/23

the one with jungkook and the sharpshooter 🌊 📓 // enemies to lovers au, hurt/comfort, mafia au // in which you shoot first and plan later. — request fill, 4/22/23

the one where jungkook has to sleep on the couch 🌊 // established relationship au // in which jungkook finds a loophole in the most jungkook way possible. — request fill, 12/16/22

the one where jungkook thinks you’re perfect (tw: body image issues) ⭐️🌊 // hurt/comfort, established relationship au // in which jungkook is down bad. — request fill, 12/7/22

the one where he thinks you’re perfect (jjk pov) ⭐️🌊 // hurt/comfort, established relationship au // in which jungkook is down incurably bad. — request fill, 12/27/22

"hey old friend" by dearly somber 🌊🎙️ // best friends to strangers au, missed connection au // in which the hotline, to your knowledge, did not bling. — request fill, 1/27/23

the one where jungkook gives you a tattoo ☁️ // strangers to ? au // in which jungkook thinks ghosts should mind their own damn business. — request fill, 2/26/23

the one with jungkook and terpsichore ☁️ // established relationship au // in which jungkook watches you pole dance & goes mildly-to-moderately feral. — request fill, 3/15/23

the one who bites and the one who doesn’t ☁️ // newly-established relationship au // in which you face the final boss: jeon bam. — request fill, 3/13/23

the one with jungkook, his son, and the lightbulb ☁️ // established relationship au, dad!kook au // in which jungkook wants to be the very best (dad), like no one ever was. — request fill, 1/16/23

the one where jungkook is the world's clingiest/softest bf ☁️ // established relationship au // in which jungkook fashions himself into a weighted blanket. — request fill, 12/3/22

"more than you know" by axewell /\ ingrosso ☁️ // established relationship au // in which jungk— is that a boombox? in the year of our lord, 2023? seriously? — request fill, 1/28/23

the one where jungkook isn’t dreaming ⭐️ ☁️ // stay au, friends to lovers au, morning after au // in which jungkook has pinched himself, like, four (4) times already. — request fill, 12/30/22

my reading list 2022/23

✎ here's my on-going reading list of fics i'm either gonna read or are reading at this moment throughout 2022/23! a huge thanks and praise to all the amazing authors on this platform that continue to write wonderful stories and share them with the world! <3

ON-GOING SERIES

CARVED by @haliiimede [3/?] ≫ pairing demon!jungkook x angel!reader ≫ genre/aus urban fantasy!au, dystopian, smut ≫ trope enemies to semi-lovers ≫ rating 18+

LOOK DOWN ON ME LIKE THAT by @here2bbtstrash [8/?] ≫ pairing yoongi x reader ≫ genre/aus angst, office!au, smut ≫ trope slow burn enemies to lovers/hatefucking coworkers ≫ rating 18+

TWIRL FOR ME by @gimmethatagustd [3/?] ≫ pairing dad!yoongi x f.reader (ft. jungkook) ≫ genre/aus slow burn, angst, fluff, smut ≫ trope strangers to lovers ≫ rating 18+

FEELING IN CHAOS by @here4btsfics [3/7] ≫ pairing jungkook x f.reader ≫ genre/aus angst, fluff, smut, college!au, best friend's brother!au ≫ trope friends to lovers ≫ rating 18+

DANGER ZONE by @jeonjcngkook [1/5] ≫ pairing boxer!jungkook x f.reader ≫ genre/aus fluff, smut, boxing!au, sex bans ≫ trope established relationship ≫ rating 18+

BUNNY by @btssmutgalore [4/6] ≫ pairing camboy!jungkook x reader ≫ genre/aus camboy!au, smut, angst ≫ trope friends to lovers ≫ rating 18+

BICKER by @btssmutgalore [6/?] ≫ pairing taehyung x reader ≫ genre/aus cabin trip!au, smut, angst ≫ trope enemies to lovers ≫ rating 18+

ALL I WANT by @sxtaep [5/6] ≫ pairing fuckboy!jungkook x best friend!f.reader ≫ genre/aus fluff, smut, college!au ≫ trope best friends to lovers ≫ rating 18+

BLACKOUT by @jjungxkook [2/3] ≫ pairing jungkook x reader ≫ genre/aus smut, fluff, angst, roommate!au, college!au, ≫ trope best friends to lovers ≫ rating 18+

SUGA'S HOW-TO GUIDE by @haliiimede [4/?] ≫ pairing camboy!yoongi x f.reader ≫ genre/aus camboy!au, pwp, drabble series!! ≫ trope friends to lovers ≫ rating 18+

AS WE WERE by @archivedkookie [9/?] ≫ pairing jungkook x f.reader ≫ genre/aus infidelity!au, divorce!au, eventual smut, heavy angst ≫ trope none! (it's hard to know if they'll get back together or not) ≫ rating 18+

COLLATERAL by @nabiolive [12/20] ≫ pairing min yoongi x reader ≫ genre/aus mafia au, smut, angst, fluff ≫ trope strangers to lovers ≫ rating 21+ [read the warnings for better understanding!]

FINISHED SERIES

INTERSECT by @shina913 [10/10] ≫ pairing kim namjoon x f.reader (ft. yoongi & OT7) ≫ genre/aus office!au, fluff, angst, smut ≫ trope enemies to lovers ≫ rating 18+

COMPLETE FAITH by @daechwitatamic [10/10] ≫ pairing taehyung x f.reader ≫ genre/aus angst, office!au ≫ trope coworkers to lovers to idiots to lovers again ≫ rating 18+

ONLY HERE TO SIN by @gimmethatagustd [4/4] ≫ pairing fuckboy!taehyung x f.reader (ft. namjoon) ≫ genre/aus infidelity!au, angst, smut ≫ trope enemies to lovers ≫ rating 18+

ONE SHOTS

ROCKSTAR 101 by @jeonjcngkook ≫ pairing jungkook x f.reader ≫ genre/aus rockstar!au, pwp, smut ≫ trope established relationship ≫ rating 18+

THE WEDDING DATE by @jjungkookislife ≫ pairing jungkook x f.reader ≫ genre/aus fake dating!au, angst, fluff, smut ≫ trope fake dating to lovers ≫ rating 18+

THE AUCTION by @jjungkookislife ≫ pairing hoseok x f.reader ≫ genre/aus college!au, smut ≫ trope strangers to lovers (sorta) ≫ rating 18+

HE SO CUTE by @gimmethatagustd ≫ pairing manager!hoseok x idol!reader ≫ genre/aus idol au, pwp, smut ≫ trope coworkers to lovers ≫ rating 18+

YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS by @gimmethatagustd ≫ pairing jimin x reader ≫ genre/aus grad school!au, smut ≫ trope friends-ish to lovers ≫ rating 18+

DIVINE FEMININE by @gimmethatagustd ≫ pairing jungkook x f.reader ≫ genre/aus college!au, smut, fluff ≫ trope friends with benefits ≫ rating 18+

''HEY YOU.'' by @ratedbangtann ≫ pairing jungkook x reader ≫ genre/aus college!au, smut ≫ trope friends to lovers ≫ rating 18+

WANNA MAKE A MOVIE by @gimmethatagustd ≫ pairing taehyung x reader ≫ genre/aus smut, a bit of fluff ≫ trope frenemies to lovers ≫ rating 18+

this list is mostly so i keep track of what i am reading currently but feel free to read what's on the list and remember to show love to these authors by reblogging!

alcohol free

song inspo. alcohol free — twice

summary. in which your best friend yoongi gets to know your secrets while you sip on various drinks. with each one, he’s more shocked… and amused.

warnings. well, not to alcohol free bc there’s a lot of it actually LMAO, bit of crying, swearing, readers mentions she has insecurities about her nose :( + friends to lovers teehee but they’re both dumbasses >:T

a/n. man i love piña colada 😔😔

yoongi and you knew each other since childhood, so it was no shock to him that your alcohol tolerance isn’t the strongest. especially when you - apparently - quit drinking. so even a fool would know how this would end. this, as in:

“i’m not an alcoholic but look, he have to celebrate” you yelled, raising a bottle of champagne. yoongi scoffed, shaking his head. you had the keys to his place and informed him you’ll be there in 5.

so you were, all giddy and giggly, knocking your shoes off.

“you finished the tour big boy! now… what?” you hummed, placing the bottle down.

and now, after a couple of glasses in and your cheeks rosy, you shook your head.

“remember how heartbroken was i when you left be a trainee?” you whined suddenly, his brows furrowed.

“of course i do, there’s no need to remind me that. i felt like shit too” he grunted, heart aching. oh he hated that back then. but he knew that’s if it’s meant to be, you’ll end up together again. and you did.

“did you know… i considered auditioning for hybe so i could be near you?” you mumbled, looking at him. catching a glimpse of his amused look it was all it took for you two to burst out laughing.

“yeah? and what would you do? because not sing, obviously” he teased, chest filling with laughter.

“no! i’d rap!” you puffed your chest proudly, making a dramatic gesture and almost knocking the empty champagne glass “give me a beat, rapper boy!”

it was hard for yoongi to contain his laughter. after he did, he started beatboxing – or rather tried – and you freestyled. quickly giving up, you two were a giggling mess again, yoongi reaching to pout more champagne in.

a peaceful hum left your mouth when the pleasant sunshine hit your face, sounds of yoongi’s footsteps approaching reached your ears. you had your eyes closed so you only guessed he’s coming back with the meat.

“aish, y/n! i told you to wait!” he hissed upon seeing that you already opened the wine bottle. you giggled, shaking your head.

“i was impatient and hungry. and the wine was tempting” you mumbled. yoongi sighed, putting the meat on the grill.

the weather was perfect: sunny and with a light breeze. birds chirping in the background lulled you to sleep and you didn’t even eat yet. just when you thought about that, there was a sound of sizzling meat.

“yoongs…” you sighed, crooking an eye open. maybe drinking the wine before eating and in full sun wasn’t the best idea but…

“hmm?” your best friend hummed, busy on his task.

“what would you name your kids?” you asked, closing your eyes again. he frowned, wondering.

“i don’t know, i haven’t thought about that. you?” he replied genuinely, turning his head to look at you.

“if it’s a boy, jin or ian. if a girl then… summer” you hummed, a lazy smile blooming on your lips. he nodded in acknowledgement before realising.

“wait, jin?!” he whined, causing you to giggle.

you grunted, plopping down on the couch next to yoongi. he looked at you curious, namjoon stopping the conversation to give you a question look.

“the music sucks, seriously” you huffed, grabbing your tequila. you have it a quick stir before taking a sip, namjoon’s girlfriend raised her own glass.

“agreed” she hummed and you clinked glasses, taking a big sip. the song came to an end, another one playing. a soft, slow beat caused the couple in front of you to look at each other

“now we’re talking” namjoon laughed. his girlfriend put down the glass and he grabbed her hand, placing a soft peck at the back of it “may i have this dance?”

“oh of course” she sighed dreamily and they left, namjoon winking at yoongi. you wolfed down the rest of your drink, leaning your body on the table with a guttural groan.

“what is it?” yoongi asked, amused.

“they’re so in love it’s unfair” you mumbled, looking at the pair disappearing in the crowd of sickeningly big amounts of couples “i guess i was always jealous of them, just a bit”

yoongi tilted his head, interested. that’s new…

“you can see how much she loves him just by the way she looks at him” a quiet murmur left your mouth, barely audible. but yoongi heard it, features softening.

you jolted up, your back meeting his arm that - you didn’t even notice when - was resting on the back of your seat.

“anyway! lemme grab more tequilas… you want some?” you asked, grinning. your best friend just shook his head, amused.

“how do you do that?” you asked, eyes flickered between him and the whiskey in his hand. yoongi let out a quiet, heart-warming laugh.

“i just like whiskey. i don’t feel the need to taste every possible drink on the menu, unlike someone i know” he teased and you faked a offended look, pulling your margarita closer.

“i just feel like having margaritas today, what’s wrong with that? you’re just boring” you mumbled and took a sip.

“yeah, well, at least i don’t get drunk after having two drinks” yoongi grunted. you scoffed, punching his arm

“i’m interesting when i’m drunk, so you shouldn’t complain” you hummed, glaring playfully at him. he titled his head

“yeah? who told you that?” he shook his head, grabbing his whiskey.

“i tend to share secrets” resting your chin in the palm of your hand, he cocked an eyebrow “like… i never went skiing”

he let out a dramatic gasp.

“unbelievable. shocking. i never saw that coming” he giggled and you punched him again.

“i swear! i never told anyone that! why do you think i always turn down namjoon’s girlfriend when she asks me to go with her friends?” you mumbled, grabbing your drink. yoongi let out a scoff, frowning. that would make sense, he always thought you were simply busy.

“i’ll teach you one day” yoongi smiled sweetly, noticing how your eyes lit up.

sipping on your mojito with lime, you flipped the pages of a random beauty magazine laying in the table. yoongi looked up from his notebook, scanning you.

“oh, i know this actress!” you hummed to yourself, placing a finger on her cheek. your brows furrowed in thought, trying to recall where you saw her before. he leaned closer, taking a peek.

“oh, her” he hummed “she’s pretty”

you nodded, weird feeling washing over your stomach.

“yeah…” you agreed quietly, taking a sip of your mojito “she has such a pretty nose”

“that’s a specific thing to say” he giggled, coming back to his notebook filled with lyric ideas.

“i don’t know, i always payed attention to noses since i don’t like mine…” barely audible murmur left your mouth, causing him to freeze.

“you don’t like your nose? i think it’s cute” yoongi said seriously, slowly looking at you. a blush formed on your cheeks, trying your best not to smile too wildly.

“that’s… thank you” you hum, continuing to flip the pages.

the horrendous pounding in your head would stop a normal person from drinking. but, as yoongi reminded you often, you’re not normal.

taking a sip of your sweet mimosa you groaned, the night breeze making you shiver a bit.

“hey… what are doing here… alone?” your best friend’s voice brought you back to reality. you looked up and sent him a soft smile.

“thinking… and also its so loud inside, i had to catch some fresh air” you hummed, leaning against the railing “and you?”

“i saw that my favourite person is missing” yoongi shrugged nonchalantly, standing next to you “what are you thinking about?”

“y’know… first crushes… what ifs…” you sighed, swirling your mimosa, the piece of orange almosr falling inside. your friend’s brows furrowed. now that’s interesting.

“first crushes? how come i did not know you even had one?” he teased, nudging your arm

“well i never knew about yours so we’re even” you grunted, causing him to scoff.

“i think… my friend crush was a classmate of mine but man, it was so long ago. i heard she’s married now” he said shyly, watching you sip on the drink. you didn’t know why your heart was hit by a sudden pang “and yours?”

“but don’t laugh at me or i’ll throw you off the balcony” you send him a threatening look, pointing at the railing. yoongi rose his hands up as a i give up sign. you sighed and looked around, making sure no one hears you “my first crush was hobi”

“what?!” yoongi yelped, causing you to fly and cover his mouth. both erupting with giggles, you shook your head.

“shut up! it was when you debuted, okay?! he was cute and mysterious… shut up, don’t look at me like that! and don’t even think about telling him!” you whined, his laughs making you grin too.

your friends watched you two from behind the door, sharing whispers about how cute you look right now.

“oh no…” yoongi murmured upon seeing you and the empty glasses on the table. you were finishing your fourth piña colada, a drink you always had when you felt extremely sad. ‘to have some contrast in your life, since piña colada is a happy drink’ was your explanation. he sat down in front of you, nudging your leg “what happened?”

you just sniffed, teary eyes looking at yoongi’s worried ones.

“you’re so dumb”

“excuse me?” he scoffed, leaning forward to grab your hand. you smacked his, even more tears gathering ar your waterline

“see! that’s what i’m talking about! you’re so cute and sweet to me all the time and you don’t even know how many damage you do because of that!” you whined, shaking your head and wiping your tears. yoongi was truly dumbfounded. was this another drunken confession…?

“i don’t… i don’t understand” he whispered, standing up to sit next to you

“i love you, yoongi” you blurt out suddenly, causing him to freeze “i can’t do this anymore. i wanted to tell you while not being drunk but it just came down on me, and i for sad because i started thinking what if i ruin our friendship and i got drunk and accidentally confessed now… my life is a joke and i hate you”

“that was… a lot to unpack. also i don’t understand one thing: you hate me but you love me?” he asked, amused and sat down next to you, titling your chin so you were looking at him

“yes, because you don’t see it! everyone sees it! even jungkook asked me when were planning to tell them were dating because it’s so obvious there’s something going on! and you… you don’t see it” you whined, leaning towards and hiding your face in the crook of his neck, bursting out crying.

yoongi would lie if he said he wasn’t amused by all of this but he hated seeing you cry; besides it all made sense now. now that he’s thinking about it, you really were really obvious about his feelings.!

“‘m sorry, don’t cry, okay?” he chuckled, pulling you back a bit. one hand cupping your jaw, the other wiping your tears. you pouted, a small smile forming in his lips “and don’t… don’t do that”

“why not?” you jutted your lower lip even more dramatically

“because i’ll kiss you” he hummed nonchalantly, wiping the last tears. you froze, feeling like all the alcohol left your body

“what?” you whispered, blinking slowly.

“y/n… you’re so cute it hurts. we’ve known each other for years… basically our whole lives… and why come do i learn about you the most ridiculous things when you’re drunk? it’s a funny habit and i’d never thought it would be contagious” yoongi said slowly, hands slowly cupping your face and squishing your cheeks gently “like… right now. i’m not drunk but i just learned a new thing about myself…”

you frowned, not fully understanding what he’s saying.

“that i like you. i like you too. i had this weird feeling lately but sometimes you need to hear it out loud” he breathed out, stomach filling with butterflies. there it is, that funny feeling again “so what do you say? do we give it a chance?”

“can i kiss you?” you asked eagerly, placing your hands on his. yoongi just nodded and leaned closer.

when you placed your lips on his, he could taste the sweet piña colada you had before. the kiss was something he’d never even dream of; soft and tender… loving.

you pulled back, giggling.

“i feel like i’m drunk…” you grinned, causing him to roll his eyes “…on you this time”

bts masterlist | event masterlist

taglist. @geniejunn ,, @luvhyun3 ,, @starlostseungmin ,, @elviransworld ,, @jnks6r ,, @sieunsgf ,, @ethereallino ,, @laylasbunbunny ,, @duolingofanaccount ,, @slytherinshua ,, @stxrseungs ,, @ka-ni-ma ,, @iliveforlixie ,, @ameliesaysshoo ,, @dazzlingligth ,, @mark-geolli ,, @l3visbby ,, @w3bqrl ,, @ddeonudepressions ,, @yourfavoritefreakyhan ,, @mirxzii ,, @kazmura ,, @primoppang

promises

pairing: reader x namjoon

summary: marriage life with namjoon hasn’t been the same lately. he’s been cold and distant, always whispering on the phone. and you can’t help but notice…

genre: angst

content/warnings: established relationship; married!au; idol!namjoon; cheating/infidelity; implied sex; eventual smut; explicit sex

soundtrack: lemonade by beyoncé

a/n: this used to be a series but I decided to rework it into a oneshot. The plot is mostly the same, however now the reader gets to choose the big decision at the end (kind of like a choose your own adventure).

word count: 18k

Pray you catch me

♪ you can taste the dishonesty/ it's all over your breath, as you pass it off so cavalier. but even that's a test/constantly aware of it all/my lonely ear/pressed against the walls of your world. ♪

. . .

Something is wrong.

You don’t know how or when things changed, but something shifted between the two of you. There is a distance now, more tangible than the miles that separate you from him when he’s on business trips. Farther than the long-distance phone calls that became less and less frequent. Even now, as you lay in the same bed with him only a few feet away you can tell.

Something is wrong.

Because you can’t remember a time when you and Namjoon had ever been so far apart.

He would always come home late at night. Languid footsteps trailing towards the bedroom. Eyes tired and red from too many hours spent awake working on the newest album. Gravity pulled him down in a slump that could only be from the heaviness of leadership, from carrying the weight of the entire group.

And though he was exhausted, he would still find a way to come and take care of you. Even dead-tired, his warm brown eyes would light up and his lips would curl at the sight of you. He’d make his way over and pull you close, until your bodies became an entangled mess of arms and legs, chests pressed together as you curled into each other's warmth. His fingers would run soothingly through your hair and he’d ask you how your day went. The moments you spent within his arms seemed to make even the bad days good.

But it's been a long time since your husband held you close and melted away your bad days.

The clock on your nightstand reads 1:23 AM in angry red letters when his phone goes off in the middle of the night. You can hear the sheets rustle and feel whatever is left of his presence slip away as he sits up, answering on the second ring. “Hello?” Before you can even stop yourself the words are flying out of your mouth. “Who is it?”

The woman who speaks sounds nothing like you. Her voice is broken and fragile, spiked with worry and fear. He shrugs his shoulders and rolls his eyes because, “It’s just Yoongi.” The lie rolls off his tongue effortlessly. You are already hurting and the way he brushes you off tears right through you.

It’s not Yoongi. You know better. Your husband’s best friend loves his sleep and would never stir in the middle of the night. You want to confront him, put all your thoughts out in the open but before you can even gather the courage, he stands up, makes his way across the room and closes the door behind him, leaving you alone.

Again.

Somehow you can’t decide what’s more unsettling: the loneliness you feel when your husband leaves or the loneliness you feel when he’s around.

You are too unnerved to go back to sleep. Not that you are sleeping anyways. Now that you are truly awake to the situation before you, sleep does not come. You’ve been staying up for days, eyes wide open. But it was more than just insomnia. Your mind is awake with all the possibilities, visualizing every single scenario. You can’t close your eyes because in an instant you are there. Thinking about it all over again. You can't ignore it, nor pretend not to see it. You are not blind anymore. And so sleep does not come.

With every nerve on edge you throw back the covers and swing your legs out of bed. You can’t just lay there trapped within your own mind. You need a distraction—any distraction from the truth. Even if the only release you can find is putting your body into motion. You find yourself pacing back and forth, frazzled energy bouncing from one point to another.

Until you hear him laugh. It’s a deep and throaty noise that breaks through the walls and interrupts your racing thoughts. You find yourself tiptoeing closer to the sound, trying to be as quiet as you possibly can so you can creep up and press your ear up against the door to listen. How desperate you are, eavesdropping like this. You feel ashamed for sinking this low, but that shame does not stop you from wondering if you should get the glass from your nightstand so you can hear him better. If you could only hear what he was saying! But the words are muffled, like he’s talking underwater.

He used to talk to you all the time, share his innermost thoughts, his nightmares, his dreams. Talk to you about everything and nothing. Work and play. Past and present. But now, nothing.

Now all you got were glimpses of his world.

You used to be his world.

The realization leaves you cold and you press yourself closer to the light trickling through the cracked door. You can see him now. His back is turned towards you and he’s hunched over, phone clutched to his ear like he’s trying to keep all his secrets from spilling out of it. In that moment, you pray he will turn around so you can read his lips and decode whatever it is he’s whispering huskily into the receiver. You pray he will turn around and catch you. You wonder what he will do. Will he jump? Will he be angry?

Ironically, out of all the times you’ve prayed for God to answer you during your marriage, this is the prayer God answers because it happens. He turns around.

You expect to see the face of a cruel man. You could not have prepared yourself for what you do see. Because when he finally turns around, it’s not the face of a monster, but the face of your first love. Namjoon is smiling. Smiling. This is the moment your heart breaks. When was the last time he smiled at you like that? Pink lips pulled back, pearly whites gleaming. Dimples flashing in his cheeks. The way his eyes squint into tiny crescent moons.

When was the last time he smiled at you like that? You can’t remember. Your mind flickers through the memories filed in your head, though each image never seems to be quite right. Maybe because they are now clouded with suspicion. Was that last smile real? Or merely a mask?

The fact that you can’t be sure made you anxious. You can’t tell the difference because you didn’t know him anymore. Where was the man you loved? This person you do not recognize. His eyes are dark, lit with the desire you once thought was only reserved for you. You watch as his lips curl from a smile into a wicked grin.

Something is wrong.

You tried to fix it. The problem. You. It had you be you, didn’t it? Maybe he wanted someone more gentle. You tried to be meek, mild, and kind. Soft spoken, as you were always previously so assertive. You didn’t want to chase him off with harsh words or accusations. You wanted to be what he wanted. You thought that maybe he wanted someone sexy, so you tried to be that too. You made your eyes smokey and put on red dresses, even though you hated the color red. You wanted to be enough. You tried everything to get his attention, but it made no difference. You still ended up in this exact moment.

A sigh slips past your lips, almost a whimper. It’s the sound of loss.

This is when he sees you.

His smile disappears. Then he walks forward and closes the door in your face, shutting out the light and leaving you in darkness.

. . .

When he comes back to bed—wearing a scent that is distinctly not yours—it’s 5AM. He kisses your forehead and climbs underneath the sheets, yet the distance between you remains. Maybe you already know the answer to the questions that keep swirling in your mind. You don't want to believe that he broke his vows. But that hope does not stop the doubt you feel every time you look at his face.

Are you cheating on me?

Don’t Hurt Yourself

♪ I am the dragon breathing fire. Beautiful man I’m the lion Beautiful man I know you’re lying…. ♪

. . .

It is quiet in your house. The sun and it’s warm amber glow have long since disappeared, fading into black. The stillness is unusual. Normally you hate such things, always needing some sort of noise playing in the background like the tv or the radio while you clean up and do work, but not today. You need the silence so you can collect your thoughts and prepare yourself for what you are about to do.

You are done being passive. Sick and tired of sitting and waiting around for a man who did not so much as blink an eye at you. You are done crying. You already cried so much. All your tears have dried up and gone away. You can’t bring yourself to be sad anymore. There isn’t any room for you to hold inside two emotions. Especially when all you can feel now is anger.

You are mad as hell.

So you came home from work and sat down on the couch, waiting on him for one last time. Head held high, poised and collected. Muscles coiled and ready to pounce.

Just like clockwork, keys slide into the door and Namjoon comes in at a quarter to three, completely unaware of the situation he just stepped into. Looking up he stops, surprised to find you sitting in the living room. He can feel something is off. Sense it in your body language, see the difference in your eyes. For a minute, he wonders if you know what he’s been doing all night long...but that’s impossible right? How could you possibly know?

But you did know.

You watched nonchalantly as he flashed a casual grin your way. “Hey babe...what are you doing up so late?“ You didn’t respond right away, taking the time to examine him closely before you decide to speak.

“Where were you tonight?”

The second the words leave your mouth there’s a shift in the atmosphere. Thick silence fills the space between you, but your eyes never leave him. You see him blink, catch the bob of his adam’s apple as he swallows down a gulp, note a flicker of emotion pass in his face too brief to figure out the expression. Was that fear? Was he nervous?

But then he laughs. It’s almost a scoff as his eyebrows pull together he shakes his head in what masks as confusion. “What?”

“I know you heard me Namjoon, I’m not going to ask you again.”

“What are you talking about? I was with the guys tonight, we—”

“Don’t,” you stop him, holding up a hand. ”Don’t do that. Don’t lie to my face. I am so tired of you lying to me, please for once just be honest.”

He doesn’t say a word, only sighs and runs his fingers through silver locks and as unsatisfactory as it is, you realize this action is the closest you’ll ever get to a confession. But it’s not enough. Your hands come up to rest on your face almost like prayer before you ask your next question.

“Did you sleep with her?”

“God (Y/N), are we really doing this right now?”

Anger presses up against your chest and before you know it, you’re on your feet. “Yes, Namjoon, we are really doing this right now. Because I can’t stand one more minute of this fake marriage. I’m not stupid. I see you! And I’m not going to pretend like I don’t anymore.”

“Fine. Fine! What do you want me to say, huh? What do you want?”

“I want the truth!”

He fixes his gaze, eyes locked on you. “Oh, you want the truth? Ok here’s the truth. Yes, I was with her tonight, and yes I fucked her, and it was the best goddamn fuck I’ve had in months. Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now?”

His words hit you like a bullet to the heart. No, you weren’t happy. You wanted his candor but not this. His tone...the way he was talking to you...You almost couldn’t believe it. How could he? The man you called your husband would never so much as raise his voice towards you. Yet here he was, spitting out cruelty. The brutality of his words mixed with his contempt was too much. Your nails dug into the couch as you tried to steady yourself, tried to push through the pain.

Your mind was swimming with information, trying to come to terms with the new knowledge but one question still lingered. You had to ask:

“Why?”

“Fuck, why? I’m on tour all the time, It’s not like you’re around?”

Are you kidding me?

Whatever pain you felt quickly turned to anger and you whipped around to face him.

“Who the fuck do you think I am Namjoon?! You didn’t marry one of your little groupies. I have a job and a life! I can’t just drop everything and follow you around the world like some love-sick puppy!”

“Yeah well, maybe if you did I wouldn’t have needed to find someone else.”

The nerve of this man!

“So you want my entire world to revolve around you? You are so selfish! As if I don’t already do everything for you. I cook, when you come home at night there’s dinner on the table. I keep this house spotless, but it’s not like you’re even here to notice--”

“I’m not here cuz I’m too busy working the job that got you this house in the first place!”

“Wow. So it’s ok for you to be away from me on your job, but if I can’t be there for you then I’m the problem?” You stared him in the face, only to be met with a glare to rival your own.

“You’re a real piece of work Namjoon.”

How is it that he could look at your relationship and see only your flaws, but never his own? You should have known better than to put all your faith in a man with a god-complex. He only ever cared about himself and his own career. All he had were excuses. You started to walk away from him when his next words stopped you in your tracks.

“Oh please, don’t act like you’re so perfect. It’s not like you haven’t done it.”

You cast an incredulous look over your shoulder. “Excuse me?”

Just what is he trying to imply?

Namjoon rolled his eyes. “Now who’s playing dumb. I’m not stupid either, I know you’re seeing him behind my back.”

This again? “How many times do I have to tell you, Jackson is just a friend.”

“You’re a fucking liar. He doesn’t look at you like ‘just a friend’, I know you slept with him.”

Now you were furious. You took several steps towards him till you were so close you could feel his heated breath on your face. “Let’s not get it twisted, I’m not the cheater—You are!” you said, jabbing a finger into his chest. “You don’t get to put this on me! You and I both know I’m not the one who’s unfaithful!”

By the end of your sentence you found yourself out of breath, panting. You were shouting the entire time. Unable to keep the fire inside; your fury, abated. You looked at your husband, finally eye to eye and sighed.

“I wouldn’t do that to you.” You spoke, your voice coming out much softer than either of you had expected. “I wouldn't do anything to disrespect you like the way you disrespect me.”

Once again silence swelled within the room and all you could do was look at him and wonder how you had ended up here. The two of you never used to fight, not like this. It was never this bad. But things were different now.

“W-why did you do this to me? To us?” On your wedding day you both took vows to be united as one in this relationship. He was hurting himself just as much as he was hurting you but he was so wrapped up in his own pride that he couldn't see it.

“Are you even sorry?”

Namjoon didn't say a word.

You closed your eyes and counted to ten, trying to find some kind of peace. But by the time you finished counting your anger still hadn't subsided. You couldn't find peace because there was no peace here.

Everything in this relationship was so, so hard. You couldn't pick up the broken shards of your relationship all by yourself and he wasn't even trying to fix it.

“I can't—I can't do this anymore”

Namjoon narrowed his eyes. “Can't do what anymore?”

“This!” You yelled, throwing your arms out.

“You. Me. Us. I can’t do it anymore and I don't want to.”

And with that you spun on your heel making a direct line for the bedroom. You could hear him follow behind you, but you didn't care. Your mind was focusing on something else now.

All you cared about was getting the hell out of there. You went into the closet and pulled out an overnight bag, snatching clothes off hangers and stuffing them inside.

“What are you doing?”

You had to laugh at his question. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m leaving you.”

You didn’t stop packing. After taking out enough clothes you grabbed your bag and walked out of the closet. On your way you caught a glimpse of Namjoon with a blank expression on his face.

“Don’t tell me you're actually surprised?”

Brushing past him, you made your way to the bathroom. “I was so blindly in love with you that even when I knew—I knew what you were doing, I tried to stay. But I deserve better. I deserve so much more than you.”

After gathering the rest of your stuff you turn around to walk out the door only to find Namjoon leaning against the frame. Taking in his image made your steps falter.

He looked strong and athletic in a white muscle tee. His arms were crossed over his chest, a gesture built out of displeasure, but only served to highlight the curve of his biceps. When you finally tore your eyes away from his body and up to look at his face, you sighed. He was clenching his jaw, showing off all his angles while his lips pushed out into the perfect pout. His eyes as always were dark, intense, and fixed on you.

Well, not always fixed on you.

He was so beautiful and you hated him for it. Or rather how he made you feel. He could still make your heart skip a beat even as it was breaking.

Yes, you still loved him. But clearly his love for you didn’t run quite as deep.

“So what now? You want a divorce? You signed the prenup. You're not going to get any money out of me.” He growled, voice deep and raspy.

There he goes again, always so damn arrogant…..His words served as a reminder. This is why you had to go. You broke eye contact, concentrating on zipping up your bag. “You can keep your money. I’ve got my own, and I can take care of myself.”

You crossed in front of him, swiftly taking a pair shoes then sitting on the bed to put them on. It dawned on you that he didn’t even ask you to stay. But then again, although it hurt to make this decision, you didn’t have to blink away any tears.

“Where the fuck are you going?”

You laced up your shoes, pulling the strings tight. “I don’t know.” You snapped. “Since you seem to think all I do is sneak around behind your back, maybe I’ll go see Jackson. Or maybe I’ll go out and find me another man. All I know is, I’m never coming back to you. I can promise you that.”

You weren’t playing nice but you were honestly so done with his attitude, mistreatment, and all the pain he caused you. Confident in your decision, you got your bag and stood up, striding towards the exit.

“Hey!”

You ignored him.

“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you!”

“Kiss my ass, Namjoon!” You sassed, walking out the door and out of his life.

Resentment

♪ I may never understand why. I’m doing the best that I can. And I tried, and I tried to forget this. But I’m much too full of resentment…

. . .

Kim Namjoon knew you would probably leave him if you found out about his affair.

You weren’t the type of woman to let yourself be walked all over, and honestly he was surprised you’d let him get away with it for so long. For months you put up with the late night calls, the sneaking around, the constant lies...And he watched the light dim in your eyes as he broke his vows. It wasn’t like he wanted to cheat on you—not at first.

But anytime he was away from you on tour he just got so lonely.

Sure he had his bandmates and his fans but when the stage lights turned off and the cheers died down none of that was enough to keep him going. Whenever he got by himself it’s like the floodgates opened up. And all the pressure, the high expectations, the push for success, the hate, all of it came washing over him.

And Namjoon felt like he was drowning in it.

As much as he wanted to tell you what ailed him, he didn’t wanna put you under any more stress. You were already constantly worrying about his welfare, filled to the brim with your own concerns. He didn’t think it fair to make you shoulder his burdens as well. But holding all his feelings inside only made things worse.

The helplessness, the anxiety...he just wanted to make it go away. Even if only for a moment. And that’s all it was. A moment of weakness.

The first time it happened he regretted it immediately. He stayed up the whole night, staring at the ceiling, consumed by his guilt. It was the biggest mistake he had ever made. He planned to go home and just come clean, tell you everything that happened. Then beg and beg for your forgiveness.

All he could do on the plane ride back home was pray to God you would somehow take him back.

But then he saw your face. The bright smile you gave him when he walked in the door and heard the joy in your voice as you greeted him. Felt your love as you curled into his embrace, nudged your head in the crook of his neck and whispered “I missed you so much”.

How could he tell you the truth then? How could he tell you what he had done, that he’d broken his promise and given himself to another? He wasn’t even on stage, yet here you were, looking at him with stars in your eyes. You were the only person who truly knew him, flaws included, and despite it all you still loved him.

He couldn’t watch the love and devotion in your eyes turn to hatred and disgust. He couldn’t cope with the reality of the situation. The fact that your heart might close to him forever, that you might leave him.

And then he’d really be alone.

No, that couldn’t happen. If you left..? At the time, he hadn’t wanted to even think about it. So instead of doing the right thing and being honest he closed himself off. If only to keep himself from breaking down. Everytime he looked at you he felt ashamed of his actions. It didn’t feel right, lying to you. Maintaining a distance was the only way he could keep his secret a secret.

The second time it happened, it wasn’t a mistake. A mistake repeated more than once is a decision. And when temptation swept by, manifesting itself in long legs and a warm body to hold at night, Namjoon couldn’t resist.

The guilt hit him just as hard, if not harder than the last time. If he had to face you in that moment without a doubt he would have spilled out all the ugly truth. But it didn’t happen that way. He was on tour for an even longer time than usual, and the separation gave him more than enough time to compose himself, to bury the guilt far enough where it would not resurface. But in doing so he had to become a different person to you. Hard. Cold to the touch.

It affected him as much as it affected you. With every shrug and look of indifference, every evasion he could feel himself slipping further and further away from the man he wanted to be, from the man that you deserved.

And yet, he couldn’t find it in himself to stop.

The third time it happened, you knew. Even now he couldn’t figure out what tipped you off. He knew there wasn’t any lipstick on his cheek or lingering perfume (Namjoon was stupid for cheating, but he wasn’t that stupid). Nothing tangible to hold your suspicion but you felt it. You questioned him, asking things like ‘what’s wrong?’ and ‘did something happen tonight?’, each inquiry only put him on edge and he snapped at you, starting a fight to distract you from the truth.

That night he left home, seeking comfort in the arms of the first girl he cheated with. He crossed a line that night. He knew he shouldn’t have met with her. But she already put her number in his phone and he was too much of a coward to be left alone with his thoughts in a hotel room. But in doing so he opened up pandora's box. He lay in her bed as she stroked his ego, telling him how important he was, how much better he deserved.

And soon enough he started to believe it. That he was better than you and that you were somehow, not enough for him. His superiority somehow justified him stepping outside his marriage. He found himself faultless, thinking it was your job to keep his interest and if he wasn’t happy, it was only his right to seek out happiness elsewhere.

But now, sitting alone in this dark house, all Namjoon could see was how wrong he was. So very, very wrong.

Months. You’ve been gone for months now. At first, he barely missed you. He didn’t have to. The very next day he had to fly out to Tokyo for a concert and he went back to his regular routine. Practice. Performing. Parties. The occasional girl to keep him satisfied. He didn’t need you then. And why would he? When he had all the people surrounding him, screaming his name. Singing his praises. He had no need to miss you until he went home. And that's when reality sunk in.

He came home to more than just an empty house. As the days rolled by he came to realize just how much you took care of him. Not just as a homemaker but as a mate. You were his heart, the sun and moon, his entire world. Namjoon could have killed the man who said you don’t know what you have until it’s gone because as cliché as it was, the expression couldn’t have been more accurate and the truth stabbed him like a knife.

The loneliness he felt when without you was ten times worse than when he was with you.

Your presence had a bigger impact on him than he could have imagined. Something about your ambience was instantly calming. Even if you weren’t doing anything together, whether it be just sitting on the couch or laying in bed beside him your being there gave him peace.

He tried to fill the void, find your image in the millions of girls that threw themselves at him, the women he led to his bed deep within the night. But there was no recreating you.

Namjoon hadn’t known peace since the day you left.

If it was possible he was even more restless than before. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had a full night's sleep. It had to be retribution for all the nights he kept you awake with the creeping thoughts of his betrayal. You, the love of his life, who he took for granted.

He ruined the best thing that ever happened to him, for his own selfish desires.

All because he lied.

And now all he wanted was a chance to get you back.

He pulled out his cell phone, trying to reach you again. He couldn’t keep track of all the times he called your phone, only to be met with your voicemail.

When he watched you walk out that door…a part of him hadn’t really recognized it as real. He was too full of himself to see it happening. His ego told him you’d be back, that you wouldn’t—couldn’t—really leave him. You’d cool off for a couple of days, then come back and try to make things work because that’s the type of person that you were.

He knew you were strong. Strong enough to move past his mistakes. He just didn’t know you were strong enough to move past him entirely.

Namjoon runs a hand across his face, dials your number, and prays. He’s not necessarily sure who or what he’s praying to, but he could really use a miracle right now. Because that’s what it would take for you to actually pick up the phone.

“(Y/n) please, please pick up.”

The phone rings once, twice, three times and then—

"We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.”

He hangs up, angry.

He doesn’t have the right to be angry, that much he knows. Mercy and grace from the woman he scorned is far too much to ask for, but he needs you, and he’s desperate, so he’s asking anyway.

Namjoon foolishly made the mistake of thinking that you couldn't live without him. But it was he who was the one who couldn’t live without you.

So he’ll keep calling. Even if it only goes to voicemail. He’ll keep leaving message after message after message.

Whatever it takes.

…

♪ I may never understand why. I'm doing the best that I can. And I tried, and I tried to forget this. But I'm much too full of resentment...♪

…

You wake up to the sound of your phone ringing. You didn’t have to check caller ID to know who was on the other side of that line. Annoyed, you sighed and rolled over onto your side. Curling up into the couch, you choose the warmth and sweet bliss of sleep over another argument.

“Aren’t you gonna get that?”

“No.” You answered without so much as opening your eyes.

Behind you, you could hear Jackson moving around, presumably to shut off your phone (you didn’t care enough to look).

The ringing grew louder and louder and soon enough you could feel your phone vibrating against your back. “(Y/n), answer the phone.”

“No.” You repeated, throwing the cover over your head. It’s entirely too early for this. Didn’t he have something to do? Wasn’t he busy? You didn’t understand it. Now that you were separated, he suddenly had all the time in the world to call you?

You could hear Jackson sigh behind you. “I swear if I have to hear your ringtone one more time—I’m going to lose my mind. Just answer the phone!”

“If it bothers you so much, why don’t YOU answer it!”

“M-me! Me?” Jackson sputtered. “Do you want me to die? Do you know what that man would do to me if he found out you were staying with me? He would kill me.”

That much was true. Namjoon would be furious to find out you’d been staying with your male best friend, which is exactly why you went to Jackson’s place when you left him.

Was it petty? Yes. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

If his feelings and pride were hurt than good, that made two of you.

“I mean, I could probably take him. But Namjoon when he’s angry is a totally different person. Actually no, he wouldn’t just kill me. It would be murder in the First degree. I’m not answering.”

“Then put it on silent. I don’t care, I’m not talking to him.”

Suddenly, the warmth of your blanket was ripped away from you, forcing you out of your bubble of comfort. “Did you—did you just snatch my cover off? Jackson!”

“(Y/n),” He said, coming closer and taking your hands in his. “You are my best friend and you know I’m only saying this out of a place of love, but this has to stop. You have to go.”

“You’re kicking me out?”

“Look, it’s not like I don’t want you here, I love having you around you know that. It’s just—you’ve been hiding out on my couch for a couple of months now—”

“—Hiding! I’m not hiding!!!”

“And I refuse to harbour a fugitive anymore.”

“I’m not a fugitive…” you grumbled.

Jackson shot you a cross look.“Namjoon is searching high and low for you and you’re avoiding him here, in my apartment.”

You rolled your eyes. “Ok, AND?”

“And! I really don’t think staying here is doing you any good. You are not dealing with what happened. It’s not healthy. He’s calling for a reason, you need to talk to him. You can’t run away from this…”

You bit down on your lip, contemplating everything he said. He wasn’t really wrong. But you were far too exhausted to deal with Namjoon again.

You couldn’t go through another fight.

You weren’t angry. At least, not in the way you were before. The last of your anger had been exerted in a fit of rage when you returned to your home to pick up some things you left behind. This is what you told yourself. A lot of damage had been done. Broken dishes, shattered glass, photos ripped out from picture frames. Tiny vengeful acts that piled up to one huge mess. After all of it you were only partially satisfied. But that time had come and gone, you didn’t think you had any more fight in you.

You were filled with too much bitterness, too much resentment for any of that.

No matter what, you still couldn’t wrap your brain around it. How could he do this to you? You thought that having him speak the truth and actually admit to what he did would give you peace of mind but all it did was give you more questions than answers. Now just the thought of talking to him made bile rise up in your throat.

“I...I don’t even know what I would say to him.”

Jackson narrowed his eyes. “You don’t have to say anything. He’s the one who fucked up, he should be doing all the talking.” His expression softened. “But...I think you should listen. If this is really over, you need closure.”

“And on that note, you’re gonna pick up the next time that phone rings or I will revoke your couch privileges!” He said, standing up with a smile on his face.

“I hate you for this.” You growled at him.

He smiled back at you, “I love you too.” He kissed your cheek, placing your cellphone in your hand, then left for his bedroom.

You looked down at the piece of metal in you hand and sighed. You couldn’t do it. You couldn’t talk to him. And yet...there was still this small part of you that wanted to hear his voice. Determined to ignore that emotion you stood up from the couch, headed straight for the kitchen. Stress eating had become a terribly bad habit of yours, but you couldn’t help it. You were the type of person who ate her feelings (and honestly, food does make everything better).

You were shuffling through last night's leftovers, trying to decide if you should heat up a plate of dukbokki or humor yourself with dessert for breakfast when Jackson’s home phone went off.

You waited a bit, figuring he would pick up eventually, but he didn’t. “Jacksonnnn~”, you whined. Nothing. Whatever, you thought. I’ll just let it go to voicemail.

You turned back to the fridge, taking out a pint of ice cream when the beep of the machine sounded and a voice broke through the apartment's silence.

“Hey (Y/n),” At the sound of your name you immediately stopped everything and froze.

“It’s me, Hobi. I know you’re crashing at Jackson’s right now,” Your jaw dropped. How could he know that? You didn’t tell anyone where you were going.

You could hear him giggling on the phone. “Don’t worry I’m not gonna tell. I know you don’t wanna hear anything that I have to say but I’m still gonna say it anyway.”

“Namjoon’s a mess...We've been through a lot together—I’ve never seen him like this before. He made a mistake. A big mistake, and he knows it. But he loves you more than anything. Just hear him out okay? And not for him, but for you...I know you still love him too. Call me back, yeah? If you want, you can ditch him but don’t ditch us! We all miss you over here…..Take care of yourself.”

By the time the message ended you had teary eyes, only half a pint of ice cream left, and a decision to make. Suddenly, you didn’t have much of an appetite.

And then the phone rings. Your phone.

You let it buzz for a bit. Fully determined to ignore his call once again. But you couldn’t stop looking at the phone. Everyone’s words were circling in your head. What if your friends were right? Were you making a mistake? Would you regret this in the future?

The phone just keeps ringing. You wished it would stop so you didn’t have to think about any of this. You closed your eyes and decided to let fate make the choice for you. If he called back, you would use the last bit of fight in you to answer the phone. But if the phone call ended and he didn’t call back...then you’d really be done and let everything be.

Your ringtone died and you held your breath, waiting.

There was a long pause. Nothing.

Maybe he'll give up. Maybe he’s sick of all this too.

Expect—the phone rings again. Namjoon was still fighting for you.

So you pick up your phone, press the answer button, and put the phone to your ear.

“Hello?”

…

♪ Loving you was easy once upon a time. But now my suspicions of you have multiplied. And it's all because you lied. ♪

…

“(Y/n)?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“I......I didn’t think you would actually pick up the phone.”

“Neither did I…”

Silence is a funny thing. It’s nothing, and everything at the same time. Somehow the emptiness is still able to fill a void. Nothing is said aloud, but a thousand words are said in the silent space between you and Namjoon. It’s probably only been a few seconds, but it feels like minutes have gone by, or maybe even hours. In those moments of suspended time you decide you don’t want to listen to anything coming from him. Not even this silence.

It’s almost as if he can hear your thoughts. “Don’t hang up!”

His voice is rushed, desperate…..and soothing. Though you’ll never admit that you miss the sound of his voice. Your intellect tells you not to listen. To block him out. Hang up the phone, and move on with your life, you don’t need anything from him...Maybe that was true. But underneath all the hurt, and the deeply buried anger, there was a part of you that wanted something from him.

What that something was you couldn’t tell, but it was enough to make you linger.

When you didn’t hang up, Namjoon spoke. “I called you. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for months now.”

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you answer?” His voice was strangled, raw. If you didn’t know any better you would think him to be holding back tears. But you couldn't even remember the last time you saw Namjoon cry.

“Maybe I wasn’t ready to talk. Everything isn’t always about you.”

You can hear Namjoon take in a breath on the other side of the line and you imagine him clenching the phone in a fist, the way he always does when he makes an important phone call. The silence stretches on for a beat too long and you’re two seconds away from hanging up again when he speaks. “I don’t wanna fight. I didn’t call to argue with you.”

His words are soft, yet you still find yourself on edge. “Then what do you want, Namjoon?”

“I want to see you.”

“No.” You said, shaking your head. Not gonna happen. You find yourself pacing against the kitchen floor. “I don’t want to see you.”

“Why not?”

His words are a match, igniting your fury and immediately all of the anger you worked so hard to keep suppressed comes bubbling up to the surface. “Why not? Are you serious?!”

“After everything you’ve done you really think I wanna see your sorry face again?” Tears filled your eyes—but you were frustrated—not sad. You were letting him get to you. Namjoon always made you feel too much. You knew you’d get worked up if you talked to him, it’s why you put it off for so long. You worked too hard to try and keep yourself together for him to tear you apart again.

You want this to end. “I have nothing to say to you. Goodbye, Namjoon--”

You take the phone from your ear, ready to press end call, and you would have, if you didn’t hear his faint voice through the speaker say: “If you feel anything for me at all, don't hang up!”

You can’t do it. Hang up. You won't lie to yourself. But you can’t force out a response either. Instead, you lean against the counter, letting the silence take over as you wait for Namjoon to form his next sentence. “I don’t blame you for wanting nothing to do with me. I didn’t call you to make you upset. I just want to talk about us.”

Us. What a foreign concept. You try picturing it in your mind but no matter what, you still can’t form a full image with the two of you together. You’d been apart for so long, and if you really thought about it, the separation began long before you ever left home.

“There hasn’t been an us for a long time. I tried to talk to you before—look what happened. I’m tired Namjoon. I just—I can’t keep doing the same thing over, and over again.”

“It’s not going to be the same.”

You frown. “How can you say that?”

“Because...I’m not the same. I’ve had a lot of time to think things over. I know I fucked up (Y/n), I’m so sorry.” You scoff at his poor attempt at an apology. “I’m supposed to accept that? You think you can just call me up, apologize over the phone, and everything will be okay?”

“No, of course not.” You hear him exhale sharply. “I know it’s going to take more than that. But it’s not gonna get better if we don’t talk about it. We can’t move forward if we don’t talk.”

“What makes you think I want to move forward?”

“You didn’t hang up…”

You hate that he’s right. You want to pretend like it didn’t mean anything but it did. It would be so much easier to just let it go—to let him go. Beyond all reason, you’re still hanging on to this relationship.

“Can we just talk, please. Just...just come home.”

“That’s not my home. It’s not. So much shit has happened in that place…” Your voice cracked and you couldn’t even finish your sentence.

How could you call that place home? Nothing felt right there. All it held were bad memories. Thinking of it only brought back the nights you spent alone, those times you cried yourself to sleep, and the worst fight you ever had with Namjoon. There was no peace there. You couldn't go back to that broken place. You feel a tear roll down your cheek and you quickly wipe it away. This time you knew the tears you cry come from pain, not frustration.

Dammit, I said I wouldn’t cry for him anymore!

“It is your home. It’s our home. You can come back anytime.”

“I don’t want to!”

“Okay, okay.” he said, his voice gentle. It was the same voice he used to use when he used to talk you down from your bad days. You could tell he was trying to calm you down, and it made you angry that it was kind of working. He suggested an alternative: “You don’t have to come home. Let’s just meet up somewhere.”

You don’t want that either. “Namjoon...Do you have any idea what you put me through?...W-why would I want to see you? Why would I want to hear anything you have to say?”

“I..I don’t have an answer to that. But I know you deserve an explanation.”

That made you quiet. These past months all you did was ask yourself why. Why did he do it? What reason did he have for breaking your heart? And there were so many more questions. You knew you wouldn’t get any peace of mind until they’re answered. It was what you wanted. No, needed.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ll do it,” You conceded. “Where should we meet up?” You were not going ‘home’. You don’t feel comfortable there. There was a lull on the other line as Namjoon thought of a location.

“Can we meet at our place?”

. . .

You knew exactly what Namjoon meant when he said “our place”. When the two of you first started dating, it was really hard for you to be together. You work as a stylist at a fashion magazine and you met him and the other boys while working at a photoshoot. Namjoon caught your eye with his intuitive gaze and cool persona. He spoke to everyone on set with a natural esteem you found attractive. You were so surprised when you actually got the chance to speak to him and he turned out to be nothing like he appeared.

Gone was the calm, collected image you saw in front of the camera. Namjoon stuttered when he asked for your name, his cheeks bloomed into a rosy red. His nervousness charmed you, and in that moment, somehow you knew you would end up falling for him hard.

It didn’t take very much for you to give him your number. But finding a spot to go on a date with the famous rapper proved a bit more difficult. You never liked the idea of sneaking around, but you understood why. Namjoon wanted to keep things private to protect you, just in case the news of him dating didn’t go well with the public. For a long time it seemed like there was never going to be a place where Namjoon wasn’t recognized.

All the face masks and hats in the world couldn’t hide his fame. You grew tired of being swarmed in coffee shops and restaurants. You just wanted a place where you could talk, maybe hold his hand, and be at peace. Ironically, you found it when you stopped looking. It ended up not even being in a building, but instead an empty park.

Its lush greenery held quiet beauty. Not very many people knew about it, which made it perfect.

Some of the biggest conversations you ever had as a couple were spoken out here, and today was no different.

You walk up to a table nearby, tugging on the hem of your white summer dress. Fidgeting like this makes you feel stupid. You shouldn’t be nervous. If anyone should be nervous for today’s meeting it would be Namjoon. But ever since you agreed to see him, a bad feeling formed in the pit of your stomach. You didn't want to be nervous. You didn’t feel like you’d make it out of this alive if you were. You had to be steel. Strong, unbreakable. You couldn’t allow yourself to get hurt again.

It did not surprise you to see him there early. He was the type of person who liked to be punctual. Or at least he used to be. You had to remind yourself that he wasn’t the same person you married. You didn’t know anything about him. Hell, after the last few months you were still trying to figure out some things about yourself.

Under the shade of the table's umbrella, Namjoon sits, bouncing his leg up and down. The only other time you’d seen him this nervous was during BTS’s first dome concert. His head faces down, staring at the ground with a look so intense he doesn’t even notice you approach him. The daze is broken once you sit down on the bench.

Namjoon jumps up, eyes wide as he looks at your face. “Y-you came?!”

It takes all your strength not to roll your eyes. Obviously...you thought.

He clears his throat, quickly sitting back down. “Thank you.”

For a while you just look at each other. You have to calm your heart as you take in his appearance. He’s just as handsome as you remembered. But something was different. He changed his hair. His silver locks were now a honeyed blonde. The warm glow of his skin had disappeared. And his once bright eyes now hold dark circles underneath them. He looked like shit, but you were still attracted to him, what logic was that?

The air tenses with silence, the way it always seems to do when you’re around him now. This is a mistake. Neither of you know where to begin. You hate it, but you know this conversation will never get anywhere if you don’t initiate it. “You said you wanted to explain. So explain.”

Namjoon looks tense. “I-i don’t even know where to start.”

That irritates you. You came all this way, and he didn’t even plan what he was going to say?

“What about the beginning?”

Namjoon sighed. He licked his lips, folded his hands, and then he did it. He told you everything. He told you about his anxiety, and the loneliness he felt. The desire to make it all fade away even for just a few moments. How he almost came clean the first time around. And the guilt that festered inside him for keeping the secret for so long.

“I wanted to tell you. But I knew I couldn’t tell you I cheated and keep you I—” Namjoon stopped. He looked away from you, biting down hard on his bottom lip before returning his gaze to yours.

“I was selfish. And I was wrong. There is no excuse for what I did. I’m so sorry, (Y/n).”

Your lips parted in shock. Going into this situation, you expected things to go a whole lot different. You expected him to try and defend himself, or at least blame you for the reason he cheated…but that wasn’t happening. Namjoon wasn’t trying to justify what he did, but instead taking full responsibility for his actions. Those words weren’t coming from the same man you walked away from. That man was filled with too much pride to even acknowledge his own actions—let alone apologize for them.

His actions surprised you. It was almost enough to make you drop your guard. Almost.

“I know you have questions. I’ll answer anything you ask me honestly, I swear.”

You paused. This is the moment you've been waiting for, and now that it was finally here you didn't know what to say. There were so many questions you wanted to ask. But you want to be sure you'll ask the right questions. And that you're prepared to hear the answers. Once you got the information you were dying to hear, you couldn't give it back. You’d have to live with it.

Finally, you spoke. “How’d you do it? How’d you keep this a secret for so long?”

“I kept a second phone hidden.”

The answer came with some relief. You knew you weren’t crazy, that there was some secret method to his deceit. The idea had come once or twice to go through his phone, but you knew Namjoon would never be that messy. “Did anyone else know?”

He nodded once, and a wave of aggravation rippled through you. “Some of the members knew.”

“Are you serious?” You laugh, but the sound felt hollow coming from your lips. “They must think I’m so stupid….”

“You know they don’t think that, they love you.”

You grimaced. Yeah, right. “Not enough to let me know the truth.”

Briefly you wondered which members knew and what kept them from coming to you, but you tried to push those thoughts away. You came here with questions for Namjoon. Nothing else mattered.

“Was it emotional?” You asked. “Did you love her?”

He shook his head vigorously. “No. No, it was just physical. They didn't mean anything to me.”

All the blood in your body went cold. “They?”

Namjoon opens his mouth. Then closed it again. “Shit.” He hoped to leave that part out of this meeting. A part of him knew it wouldn't be fair to you but would the truth really be any better?

“.....There was more than one girl?”

He ran a hand down his face then nodded, avoiding eye contact. “Yes.”

Through gritted teeth you ask, “How many?”

You wait for an answer but this time Namjoon keeps quiet. “You said you'd answer anything.”

“I know—”

“So that was a lie?”

“No.”

You crossed your arms over your chest. “Then why won't you tell me?”

Namjoon tensed, jaw clenching. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

You narrowed your gaze on him. “Well it’s too fucking late for that don’t you think? ‘Honestly’, huh? You’re so full of shit Namjoon. Being honest means telling the whole truth. All of it!”

“How many?” You press. Part of you is afraid of the answer but you still need to know.

You wait, staring him down but Namjoon looked away. He can’t say it looking you in the eye, instead he buries his face in his hands then mutters out the word three.

“Three?” You repeat.

You lean back from him, gripping the edge of the table. It felt like the world was spinning around you. Wow. Three girls. Three different girls.

Sensing your distress Namjoon quickly added. “They're just girls. They don’t matter.”

You shook your head, refusing to accept that for an answer. “Of course they matter. You made a choice to go to them, instead of me. I have to know why. What did they have that I didn’t?”

“Everything.”

Ouch, okay. You close your eyes as the pain from that statement washes all over you. The pain you feel isn’t new, but familiar. Like reopening an old wound. But Namjoon isn’t finished. Before you can even process his words he speaks again. “They were selfish, demanding, and manipulative...the complete opposite of you.”

You feel your brows pull together. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? The fact that all the women you slept with are somehow lesser than me?”

Namjoon looks confused and hurt. “(Y/n), I don't know what you want from me. I can’t change the past, all I can say is I’m sorry.”

For so long all you wanted was for him to apologize. Really apologize. No excuses, no bullshit. But now that you finally heard it, sorry just didn’t feel like enough. Instead his words make you feel empty inside. Sorry, isn’t enough to stay. You want to leave now.

Clearing your throat, you got ready to go. “I don’t know what to say to that and I don’t have anymore question so—”

“Can I ask you a question?”

You huffed out a sigh. “Fine.”

“Why did you leave? You said you'd never leave me.”

You feel yourself flush with frustration. “And you said you'd never cheat on me. Promises mean nothing. Words, mean nothing. The only thing that matters is how you act.”

“Besides,” You said, looking away from him to the beautiful summer landscape. “You didn't try to stop me. It's like you didn't even care.”

“Of course I cared. I made a mistake—”

Standing up, you slam your hands down on the table. “It was not. A mistake! Oh my god! How can you still not get it? Cheating is a choice! You made a choice! You think I didn’t get lonely all those nights I spent by myself? You think you’re the only man who’s ever approached me???”

“Of course not—”

“No. Of course not! Because I’m a catch, Namjoon.” Not caring how loud you get, you raise your voice. “I am kind, I am smart, I am ambitious, I am beautiful. You had to be out of your fucking mind to cheat on me!” You said, pressing your index finger against your temple.

You’re crying now, hot tears streaming down your face.“Why can’t you see that? Everyone else can.”

It’s the only question that goes unanswered. Namjoon stares at you, eyes glistening, but he doesn’t say a word.

“I can’t do this,” You wiped at your wet face frantically, standing up to leave.

(Y/n), please.” Namjoon moved to stop you but you ripped out of his grasp.

“I have to go.” You say reaching for your bag, ready to walk away from him, from your marriage, and all the hurt he just laid at your feet.

Love Drought

♪ Nine times out of ten, I'm in my feelings. But ten times out of nine, I'm only human. Tell me, what did I do wrong? Feel like that question has been posed. I'm movin' on.

. . .

You haven't seen Namjoon but that doesn’t stop you from thinking about him.

You think about him almost every single day. What was he doing? How was he moving on without you? Was he moving on at all, or was he just sitting around somewhere...waiting for you to come back?

All these questions only fueled your anxiety and your determination to stay as far away as possible from Namjoon. If you didn’t see him, if you went away...Then those questions would go away too, right? You were going for the whole ‘out of sight out of mind thing’. But it wasn’t working. Because even though you said you were done—Namjoon still had pieces of you. Literally. Your things still remained untouched at the house.

You meant it when you said you didn’t want to go back home. But you needed to come get your belongings. It takes all of your strength to make the drive over without stopping to throw up, or cry. Stepping inside the place where your marriage died was the last thing you wanted to do on your day off. You put off the inevitable for months but it’s time now, you’re moving on, and you’re moving out.

So why was it so hard for you to move past the front door?

You stood there, frozen at the threshold. Heart aching at the thought of what you’re about to do. Fuck (Y/n), you cursed at yourself.You’re a grown ass woman, you can do this. Get in there. It was dead quiet in the house, as you hoped. You’re too much of a coward to call Namjoon and let him know you’re coming to take the last of your things. Couldn’t even text him. No message you typed out felt right. Anything you had to say you already told him. At this point, you both know your marriage is at its end. All you can do is pray that he won’t be there the same time you are. It’s why you chose to come in the evening. Namjoon wouldn’t be home until very late at night because of his schedule. It would give you enough time to get most of your things packed up.

Bawling your hands into fists you gripped your door key tightly, slid it in the keyhole, and unlocked the door. You take two steps inside, close the door behind you, and it feels as though you’ve stepped through time. It’s like nothing’s changed. You don’t quite know what you were expecting. You didn’t have any expectations coming over, but now looking at the space before you, you decided this isn’t it.

The house isn’t spotless, but it’s tidy, neat. In stark contrast from the last time you were here, and the fit you threw. Somehow you expected the house to look exactly in that state: broken. But nothing’s really changed. Soon your feet take on movement of their own, walking you towards the bedroom. Being back in that room is strange. It's almost as if you never left him at all. The sunset pools through the window, drowning the bed in light that looks like honey. The space has the essence of your home. The only difference you feel now is the emptiness. You spent many nights home without Namjoon but it never felt like this.

This time you’re really all by yourself. You don’t live in the same house anymore, but you're not completely alone living off your bestfriends couch. It’s been years since you’ve remembered what it feels like to be without a partner. You wondered...This emptiness...Is this what it would feel like to live without Namjoon?

You swallow down a sob, trying not to drown in your loneliness and turn and walk into the closet. Remember why you're here. Get your things, you just have to make it through these next few minutes. You reminded yourself that the hard part, the confrontation (and the leaving) was already over. All you have to do now is pack.

Strange enough your heart still aches, though not in the way it did before. This is not the ache of betrayal. You truly believed that pain would never subside but it did. Not by time but by choice. You had to choose to let go of the anger and the hurt, choose to free yourself from resentment. No. This ache was something else entirely. But you couldn’t put a name to it.

You step inside your closet, eyes studying your hung up clothes and the suitcases hidden underneath them. Not wanting to spend any more time than needed here, you got on your knees and started pulling out suitcases, folding up clothes, and putting them away. It all went much quicker than you’d expected (you got most of your clothes out during the beginning of your separation). You were picking off hangers at the end of the closet when you came across a garment bag. The garment bag.

Right away you knew you shouldn’t. Only a masochist would unzip the garment bag to their wedding dress when they’re currently living apart from their husband. And yet, you still did it. Tentatively your fingers reached out to grab hold of the bag. You pulled it into your lap and slowly undid the zipper. Then you saw your wedding dress, and you melted. As your eyes traced over the lace detail the memories of that day flickered through your mind.

It wasn’t at all what you expected. When you were younger, you always dreamed of a big wedding, everything you've ever heard about in fairytales. You wanted it to happen early in the morning, in a beautiful church with stained glass windows, surrounded by all your friends and family. You expected there would be flowers everywhere, and something else, something special. The romantic in you hoped for doves or maybe butterflies. And your dress? Only the most regal ball gown would do as you walked down the aisle to the man of your dreams.

Of course, fantasies rarely become reality. The issue of privacy is important when marrying a celebrity. At the time, just getting married seemed impossible, let alone doing it big. With the group's growing fame and Namjoon’s busy schedule, how could you find the time to get married? Or find a venue where fans or media couldn’t find you? You’d have to plan every second, every detail. Nothing could be left up to chance. Both of you were so in love but also, so very stressed with the situation before you until Namjoon made a second proposal.

“Why don’t we just elope?” he asked.

It was late at night. You lay in the comfort of his arms, head resting on his chest and mere seconds away from blissful sleep, so it took you a full minute to process that sentence. You lifted your head to look into his eyes. “What?”

Namjoon smiled down at you, thumb rubbing slow circles against your back. “Let’s just do it. Get married, I mean. Who says we have to wait or plan? I love you. I wanna marry you now.”

You sat up in bed, propped yourself up on your arm, and searched his face. “Are you serious?”

You watched amused as he narrowed his sharp eyes at you in a mock glare. “Why would I joke about this? Of course I’m serious! Let’s do it.”

You looked at him hard for a minute, but when Namjoon didn’t flinch you knew he was for real. Then of course the panic kicked in. “Baby, what? Let’s do it? It’s not like we can just walk into a church and say ‘I do’ !”

“Technically, we can.”

You shook your head, “No. What about all the plans we’ve made? I already booked the venue, and our caterer—”

Namjoon rolled over onto his side, facing you. “So we’ll cancel. The date’s still months away, that's more than enough time to give notice that we’ve changed our minds.”

You laughed,, but your shaky breath came out like a scoff. “Do you know how hard it was for me to get those reservations?! That cathedral is wedding heaven! It is stained glass perfection. The wait time is usually up to a year. A YEAR. And our cake, it’s being made by Giovanni Bianchi—world renowned pastry chef—Giovanni Bianchi. It’s a seven-tiered baked dream. And you want me to cancel?”

To your disbelief Namjoon simply shrugged. “Do we really need all that?”

He reached out, taking your hands in his. He looked down, stroking them with his thumbs in an effort to soothe you. “Grand cathedral or not, as long as we’re together, I’m already in heaven. Our wedding will be perfect no matter where we are because we have each other. And the cake? Well, why would I need a dream cake, when I can have my dream girl?” He said, winking at you.

Your heart swelled at sweet words. As much as you wanted to roll your eyes you couldn’t help but smile. God, he was so cheesy. But isn’t that why you loved him? Still...you felt anxious. He might have melted your heart, but you weren’t fully convinced.

“Yeah okay, very smooth. What about our families? They’ve been looking forward to this so much. Our mothers will murder us!” You made a face, suddenly remembering your wedding party. “Oh the boys…..Jin will be so disappointed if he doesn’t get to be your best man” (you distinctly recalled him rejoicing at the news knowing he’d be “the most handsome” best man ever).

Namjoon brought your fingers to his lips and kissed the tips in between explanations. “It’s not about them”. Kiss. “Jin will get over it”. Kiss. “Our families will forgive us”. Kiss. “We’re not getting married for anyone else but us, we can do it however we want.”

You nodded your head in agreement, though you were still unsure. You knew all these things. Of course your marriage would be just for the two of you. You had no interest in simply performing the act for others approval. You loved Namjoon, you loved your relationship together, and you wanted to do what felt right for the both of you. Still, you couldn’t help but worry about the public’s opinion.

“What about your fans?” you asked. “What if pictures get out?” The whole point of all this planning was for privacy. The world knew BTS was dating, many fans suspected they had secret girlfriends, but a wife? How would they react to that? You didn’t want to hurt anyone, least of all Namjoon and his image. You know how hard he and the rest of Bangtan worked to be respected in the music industry. What would happen if the world found out their leader was dating a nobody like you?

Namjoon looked you straight in the eyes, and spoke in a calm voice. “I don’t care. I’m not ashamed of loving you. Let the whole world see that I’m marrying the kindest, loveliest, soul I’ve ever known. I don’t care what they think, or what they say. I just want you. All I want is to be your husband, and for you to be my wife. Nothing else matters.”

You felt another wave of love pass over your heart. His sincerity stunned you. You glanced at him with glistening eyes. “Namjoon…Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

He grinned at you, letting go of your hand to reach up and cup your cheek. “Are you done yet?” He teased. “Despite all your protests, I haven’t heard you say no…?”

You took a second to think through your conversation. Namjoon was right. You never said no, because as crazy as it was, you agreed with your fiancé wholeheartedly. You wanted this, you wanted him just as much as he wanted you, and you wanted to get married as quickly as possible. With a new resolve you shifted in the bed straddling him, then wrapped your arms around his neck. “Okay,” you said.

Namjoon raised both eyebrows up. “Okay!? Just like that? Anything else I need to assure you of? We have our marriage license. I have a tux. You already have your dress. I know you’re concerned but we have everything we need.”

You nodded. This time you were sure. “Let’s do it.”

Namjoon hesitated, then his face broke into a smile that was so bright it gave life to one of your own. In that moment you realized what you thought to be nerves earlier was really just excitement. You brought your hand to his shoulders, squeezing tight. “We’re getting married,” you whispered, voice full of awe.

“We’re getting married!” Namjoon echoed.

Before you knew it, you were walking down the aisle. You let him plan it all. You got married at night, in a small church, without stained glass windows. There was no big guest list, but neither of you could stand the thought of going through the ceremony completely by yourselves, so you allowed for your immediate family to be there (that included Yoongi, Hoseok, Jin, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jeongguk). Flowers did not adorn every pew, but the space was illuminated by soft and warm candlelight. No butterflies or doves. It wasn’t like what you imagined in your head. Life rarely coincides with those kinds of plans. But Namjoon was right. Because you had each other, it was perfect.

In the end, the only part of your wedding that lived up to the fairytale was your dress. It was everything you wanted in a gown. All white with a sweetheart neckline, crystal embroidery and layers upon layers of tulle. The dress felt a bit heavy, but you can still remember the look on his face when he lifted your veil. In one glance, he made all that weight disappear. You felt lighter than air. “You look like an angel.” He whispered, voice sweet and low, so only you could hear. In that moment all you could feel was love.

So how did you end up here? Clutching your wedding dress on the closet floor, desperately wiping away tears. God, what a mess you are. You pushed out a breath and started shoving the white, fluffy fabric back into the garment dress. It was a mistake taking this out. You couldn’t get it back in again. Your fingers slip as you try to grip the zipper, and you can’t tell if it’s because of your sweaty palms or your wet tears, but it won’t budge. Why won’t it zip? You pull up hard, snagging the dress in its teeth.

Shit. Frustration flushes through you as you snatch the zipper back down only to hear the distinct sound of fabric tearing in the process.

You shut your eyes tight, shoulders slumping with defeat. When you opened your eyes again all you could see was the rip in the dress, threads straining and unraveling all at once. It looked as torn up as you feel inside. Part of you is falling apart at the idea of leaving Namjoon, pressured to leave all of this pain behind and let go of the relationship. Call it mind over matter. It didn’t make sense to stay with a man you had broken your heart and your trust. All logic told you to divorce him and never look back. You know this. And yet? There is a part of you aching to repair what’s been broken, pull out the sorrow from this home, and heal all the hurt.

You were so busy wrapped in your thoughts that you hadn’t heard the door unlock, or footsteps tread into the bedroom. From the corner of your eye you saw a glimpse of blond hair, wide brown shoulders. It was Namjoon. You couldn’t help the startled gasp that fell from your lips.

“(Y/n)”, he breathed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” Namjoon kept his distance. He didn’t look at you and didn’t cross the threshold of the closet door, generously leaving space between you. Instead, his eyes were glued to the floor. “I saw your car out front, but I didn’t think it’d actually be you here.” He reached up a hand, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I don’t mean to be rude. I’m just...confused.” Namjoon glanced up at you from underneath his eyelashes then slowly, his smokey eyes rose to meet yours. “Why are you here?”

“. . .” You faltered. Once Namjoon laid his eyes on you, you softened, even after all this time he had that effect on you. You were still consumed in thoughts about your marriage...feeling that again, you didn’t know what to think. You almost preferred it when you felt anger or pain at the sight of him. Instead you felt something else. You looked down at your lap, fingering the dress. Was it longing? You started again, making eye contact. “I came back to get the rest of my things.”

A look passed across Namjoon’s face but before you could identify it, it was gone. Namjoon nodded, looking away from your face. His gaze shifted to your hands. “Is...is that—”

“—My wedding dress? Yes.” You tried to think of an excuse, some reason for you having it out but nothing came to mind. You shrugged, settling for the truth. “I just wanted to look at it I guess.” Both of you ignored your tear stained face.

Namjoon bit his lip, the silence stretching between you until he said, “I’ll leave you to it,” and abruptly walked away. Finally alone you breathed out a sigh.

You felt a tinge of disappointment. And you were angry with yourself for it. You don’t know what you were hoping for, or what you wanted to get out of that conversation. What’d you expect? Did you really think after everything that he’d lower himself one last time and beg for you to come back? Again? The man you married you would have, but the man who cheated on you? No, he had too much pride. This wasn’t a romance movie where the couple fights and breaks up but somehow everything magically fixes itself and they get back together. It was really over.

The finality of it all stunned you. You sat there, numbing yourself to the pain for a minute. Then you striantened out your wedding dress, and zipped up the garment bag. This time it went up without a hitch. You were just getting up off your knees when Namjoon whipped back into the room, surprising you.

“I know you could care less about anything I have to say right now,” he began, raising a cautious hand. “You probably hate me, and I understand that. I hate myself for what I’ve done to you.” He looked up in thought then pressed his hands into his eyes. When his hands fell away you braced yourself for what came next. “I’m asking you for a second chance. I’m asking you for a second chance because I love you more than anything. You are the love of my life, and I’m sorry I forgot that. I know you don’t owe me anything, least of all your forgiveness.”

He stopped, voice thickening as he gulped down tears. “But I’m asking for it.”

“I couldn’t live with myself knowing I didn’t do everything to get you back.”

Tears filled your eyes. “Are you saying that, because you love me? Or are you saying that because you want me back?”

His gaze never wavered. “Both. I want you back, because I love you. Knowing you and loving you has been the biggest blessing in my life. I don’t regret it. I'd do it all over again, just to have you in my life. Even if it meant losing you. ”

All at once it hit you. That feeling, the one you struggled to identify when you held your wedding dress in your arms. It wasn’t longing. It was love. You were still in love with Namjoon.

And so you did the unthinkable. You kissed him.

Sandcastles

♪ We built sandcastles that washed away. I made you cry when I walked away, oh. And although I promised that I couldn't stay, baby. Every promise doesn't work out that way.

. . .

It only takes seconds for you to cross the space between and press your lips to his. For a moment, Namjoon doesn’t move—doesn’t even breathe. Then his arms wrapped around you, brought you flush against him and you melted in his embrace as he kissed you, his lips softer than ever. Deep down, you know you shouldn’t. It would be too painful to become wrapped up in Namjon again only to tear yourself away from him. But your body has a will of its own. When his tongue swept across your bottom lip, you parted for him like the red sea and every emotion you’d ever felt for him came flooding back.

Every kiss you’ve ever had, every whisper of “I love you,” all of it ignited in your mind the second Namjoon kissed you back in a moment so intense you felt your body tremble at his touch. His lips moved gently over yours while his hands came up to cup your cheeks, and before you know it, you find yourself in the middle of the most sensual kiss you’ve had in your life. Namjoon kissed you like he was hungry, tongue rolling into your mouth. You couldn’t help but moan, arching into his embrace.

It was shameful how your body responded back to him. You could feel your heart rate increase, the heat rushing to your cheeks. You couldn’t remember the last time you wanted him like this. Your thoughts traveled back to the words that sparked your desire: “I want you back, because I love you. Knowing you and loving you has been the biggest blessing in my life. I don’t regret it. I'd do it all over again, even if it meant losing you.”

All this time you’d been fighting against your love for Namjoon, convinced any feelings he had for you were long gone. But everything he said proved otherwise.

It was confusing to you. You spent so much time thinking that Namjoon didn’t want you anymore, you’d even come to accept it but now? You didn’t know what to think. Your mind was screaming for you to pull away, stop before it went any further. That everything you were doing right now was wrong. Except, it didn’t feel wrong. It almost felt...good. Right.

The truth is you feel exactly the same. Despite everything you’d been through, you still loved Namjoon. He was the love of your life and you wished with everything in you that you could turn back the clock and start over. If what he said was true—if there was even a possibility of Namjoon still loving you, you needed to feel that.

Namjoon’s touch made you desperate. You found your hands tracing the planes of his body, running down his muscular arms before coming back up as you linked your arms around his neck. He kissed you deeper, groaning low in his throat, and the sound was enough to drive you wild. Even this close, you couldn’t get enough of him. All you could feel was the compulsive need for more. More of his touch. More of his kisses. More, more, more.

You could feel Namjoon’s body backing you up to the bed. Your knees hit the mattress and you allowed yourself to fall back against the soft sheets. But Namjoon didn’t fall with you. You opened your eyes, instantly giving way to panic. His pause alarmed you. Your anxiety reared its ugly head, speaking cruelty into your mind. How could you be so foolish? What were you thinking, kissing Namjoon? He didn’t actually want you. He was leading you on, playing with your feelings. That’s why he stopped.

You pulled yourself up, leaning your weight back on your elbows to look into his eyes. You expected to see cold rejection on his handsome face, but what you saw in his gaze wasn’t at all what you imagined. Instead, when you looked into his eyes, all you could see was raw, unfiltered desire. And strangely enough, uncertainty.

Namjoon had a million thoughts racing through his mind, all of them questions.

How did he end up here, with you spread across his bed when only minutes before you seemed worlds apart? The situation didn’t feel real, more like a fantasy, like he dreamed you up. But if this dream was real—if this dream was really coming true—should he let it?

Of course he wanted you. If you kissed him like this a couple of months ago, Namjoon wouldn’t hesitate to take you; he’d have his way with you until you screamed his name. But tonight, the last thing Namjoon wanted. He’d spent months craving your touch; the feel of your lips against his, how the heat of your body felt flush against his. He caused you enough pain acting on his lust. He didn’t want to hurt you further by taking advantage of the situation.

Both of you got caught in an emotional whirlwind but this kiss was a mistake, wasn’t it? He looked down at you, waiting for you to push him away but you didn’t make a move. Instead, you stared at him, desire burning in your eyes. God, that look alone was enough to arouse him. Still, he didn’t make any move to kiss you.

You took a moment to look at Namjoon, really look at him. Trying to uncover the emotion swirling behind his dark eyes. The longer you stared, the more you felt like your heart was going to burst from your chest. You could see his uncertainty but the feeling wasn’t mutual.

Was it insane to sleep with your soon to be ex-husband? Yes. Did it make you want it any less?

Not even in the slightest.

I must be losing my mind. You couldn’t explain it yourself, but kissing Namjoon opened up something in you. Feelings you didn’t know you still had swept all over you. Heat washed over your body. You could feel your skin flush, passion stirring in your blood.

“Are you sure?” he asked, voice taut with apprehension.

Your body was practically screaming yes. But Namjoon’s hesitation made you pause.

Reading the confusion in your eyes, he quickly backtracked. “I’m not saying I don’t want to—believe me I do—I just don’t want you to do something tonight that you’ll regret in the morning.”

Your mind wasn’t there. That moment seemed so far off from the ever-present now and the rapid beating of your heart and the warmth of Namjoon’s body. You knew you had to make a choice. Yes or no. There was a small voice in the back of your head cautioning you against this. But tonight you were following your heart. Consequences be damned.

You looked up at him and nodded. “I want this.”

Namjoon leaned forward to kiss you, and you shivered at the feel of his lips against yours. This time, there was no hesitation. You couldn’t remember the last time Namjoon kissed you like this. Slowly, tenderly, like this kiss mattered. Like you mattered. Any inhibition you had melted away as you leaned into his touch. You felt yourself lower back down onto the bed. Namjoon’s hands passed over your body, slimming down your waist, before coming to rest on your thighs. You let them linger there, savoring the feeling of his hands on your body.

Your fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer. You were so into the kiss, the feel of him you didn’t notice his hands pry off your clothes until you were left in only your underwear.

He stopped then, pulled away from your lips to look at you. Then the only thing you could feel on your body were his eyes drinking you in. The eye contact alone had you squeezing your thighs together. You watched the heat build in his dark gaze until his eyes lingered just a little too long, until your skin tingled all over from the intensity.

Then he was all over you, leaving open-mouthed kisses down your throat. Hands cupping your breasts. The feel of him against your thigh. It was an assault to your senses, but instead of overwhelming you, it only made you crave him even more. You arched your back as Namjoon kissed your collarbone, slowly making his way down the valley of your breasts. You moaned at the sensation of his tongue moving down your body, closer and closer to where you needed him most.

“Namjoon,” You breathed, body humming with pleasure. He looked up from between your thighs, dark eyes connecting with yours for a split second. You watched as he hooked his fingers into your underwear and dragged them down your legs. Then he gave his complete attention to your body, licking a long strip straight down your center that had you moaning his name again.

Namjoon gripped your thighs firmly in his hands, pulling you closer towards him. He wanted you to know that this meant more to him than just sex, that he loved you, and that he was more than willing to show you just how much. He takes his time tasting you. Each lick languid and loving. He didn’t want to tease you, all he wanted to do was to please you. To touch you and erase the pain he caused--even if only for a second. Namjoon swirled his tongue across your clit. Once, twice, a third time, drawing sweet moans and gasps from your lips.

You couldn’t keep yourself quiet. It’d been so long since anyone touched you. Throughout everything, you still remained faithful to Namjoon. And even if you’d been with another, no one could ever make you feel like this. Have your toes curling, back arching. It was almost embarrassing how easily you melted under his touch. Some part of you still wondered how you could give in so easy. Shouldn’t you be feeling some resistance? All you felt was longing.

You found yourself rocking your hips against him, and crying out as his tongue delved deeper.

You wanted to bring your hands up to your face to muffle the sounds but before you could, Namjoon stopped you.

“Don’t,” he said. He took hold of your hands and threading his fingers through yours. All the while his tongue was still swirling against you, making lewd sounds that had you feeling hot.

You could feel your body heating up, the rise and fall of your chest coming faster and faster. When you felt him slide tongue inside you, pressing up against your sweet spot—it was enough to push you over the edge. You came, squeezing Namjoon’s hands tight.

Namjoon lapped up your juices, enjoying the taste of your slick on his tongue. Even then he didn’t stop, coaxing a second orgasm out of you with soft licks against your center.

“Joon,” you whimpered, body humming with oversensitivity. “Too much.”

Only then did he pull away, moving to place a tender kiss on the inside of your thigh. He sat up, and you rose on your elbows ready and willing to return the favor, but Namjoon gently pushed you back down on the bed, shaking his head.

“I just wanna be inside you right now,” he rasped.

God, you wanted that too. They way Namjoon ate you out had your body begging for more. You weren't going to argue with him.

Namjoon sat up and placed a hand around your neck, guiding you back to his lips. It started out slow. Soft, sweet kisses against your lips. It wasn’t until he slipped his tongue inside your mouth that he found himself suddenly desperate for you. Even more surprising was your reaction to him. You kissed him back with just as much fever, completely captivated.

The kiss seemed to go on forever. When you finally pulled away, you looked at each other, panting, the air thickening between you two. Namjoon’s dark eyes stared down at you with an intensity that pierced your soul. You knew he felt it too. This energy...There was still love between you. But you’d already made your decision. You wanted this moment, this passion but you couldn’t trust him with your heart and be sure he wouldn’t break it. I can’t fall for him again. I can’t. You wanted him badly but wanting him, and trusting him were two different things.

“Namjoon,” you started. Then stopped, trying to find the right words to explain. “This isn’t—I can’t—”

“—Stay? I know.” Namjoon knew what he was getting into the second you kissed him. He knew this was goodbye, and that it would hurt like hell come morning. He didn’t care. If only he could change the past, he’d take it all back.

But he couldn’t. The damage was already done. This was the last time he’d ever hold you in his arms again. If he could have you, even for this short time, he’d take what he could get. He wasn’t going to fuck it up trying to make this into something it wasn’t. He loved you too much to be selfish at this moment. If this were the last time, he would make it well worth your while.

“I just need tonight.”

Namjoon pulled you tighter against him, molding you against his body. Before making any sudden movement, he pulled back a little to look in your eyes, to make sure this was still what you wanted.

You cupped his cheek and kissed his lips, reassuring him. Then he aligned his cock against your entrance and pushed inside you with one smooth move. You tensed, freezing in his arms. The feeling of your walls clenched around him made staying still absolute torture. But Namjoon wouldn’t dare move.

You close your eyes and breathe out a shaky breath, familiarizing yourself with the burn of the stretch. He’s so thick it takes a minute for your body to adjust to the size. Though the sensation of Namjoon nuzzling into your neck helps turn the pain into pleasure. You hooked your leg around his waist nudging him forward.

The small act made both of you moan in unison. “Namjoon...please,” you breathed.

He moved, starting out with a pace that had your insides feeling molten. His hands gripped at your hips as he pulled out almost all the way, then slowly slid himself deep inside you. You were so wet, so tight he couldn’t help but groan. The feel of you taking all of him, giving him this pleasure and the look in your eyes...Namjoon was sure he’d never love another the same way.

This wasn’t just sex. Namjoon knew the difference now. What it really meant to be intimate with a partner. To share his body with someone not for a distraction or stroke his ego but for love. To draw closer with one another. This was it for him. You, it was always you. There would never be another. He started to rock into you, deep and slow, desperate to make you feel that.

You closed your eyes, losing yourself to the sensation. Needing more, you raised your hips to meet his thrusts and Namjoon took the hint, snapping his hips to meet yours faster. You cried out as he filled you again and again and again. Right now, you don't have to worry about future decisions. You didn’t have to think about all the conflicting feelings you had for this man.

Not that you could think about that anyways. Your senses were all wrapped up in how good Namjoon was making you feel. His pace was brutal just how you liked it, but his touch was nothing but kind. His hands trailed up to the small of your back keeping you close. Namjoon cupped your face as he kissed you; he only pulled away to rest his forehead against yours and looked into your eyes. You’d slept with Namjoon before, but something about this time was different. If you didn’t know any better—you’d think he was making love to you. He was so strong, yet so loving. You wished he could be this way with you always.

You wanted to stay here, savor this moment. But Namjoon was grinding his hips against yours in a way that had you breathless. You were so close. “Namjoon, I—”

“Come for me,” he said.

Growling, he thrust harder against you and reached down between your bodies to rub your clit, driving you towards your orgasm. Your pleasure built inside you, sweeping over your body like a wave until it crashed and washed over you, sending tremors down your body.

Feeling you come apart in his arms, Namjoon slowed his thrusts. You clenched around him till pleasure flooded his senses and he came too, burying his face in your neck and moaning out your name.

The only sound heard throughout the room was panting as the two of you came down from your highs. Namjoon brushed your hair away from your face and ran his thumb across your cheek.

“Are you okay?” he asked, voice full of concern. He rolled off you and onto his side so as not to crush you but remained close, his skin flush against yours.

“Mhmm…” you hummed. You stared at the ceiling as your heart rate slowed back down. You were expecting to feel something. Regret...maybe relief?

You don’t know what you were hoping for. Maybe subconsciously you thought sleeping with Namjoon would help you come to some kind of resolution. A grand epiphany that would tell you what to do with your situation. But really you didn’t feel any different than you did before.

“What are you thinking about?”

You shake your head as if to shake all those thoughts out of your head. “Nothing.”

Namjoon didn’t press you, but the silent tension in the air gave you the impression that he wanted to ask for more.

You’ve never felt so divided. The ego in you wanted to walk away from it all. Say goodbye and cut your losses, no matter the cost. You made peace with leaving because you were so sure that Namjoon didn’t want you. You knew you couldn’t be with a man who had no love for you. But now, knowing that there was still love here. That he still cared, that you still cared. It changed things. You wanted it to work. But you weren’t sure if you could love him the same; there was always the issue of trust. How could you ever trust him again?

“I’m sorry,” said Namjoon. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

You turned to face him then, lying on your side. “It was what it wanted and now…” You trailed off, lost to your thoughts again. You had to think about it. Dig deep and really question what it was you were searching for.

“Now what? What do you need?” His expression was torn but honest.

So you asked for what you really wanted out of him. You asked for the truth.

“I need you to tell me everything.”

. . .

And he does. That night, as you bathe together, he finally tells you the truth. The whole truth.

When the sweat on your skin dried and became sticky, Namjoon ran a bath. You both got inside the clawfoot tub and sat on opposite sides, bodies intermingling as you faced each other. It was thick with quiet as the bath filled up with heated water.

At first, Namjoon hesitated. You could tell he wanted to spare your feelings. So he gave you the truths in little bits. Pieces of information you could swallow, like the names of his past lovers, and when each act happened. Then slowly, bigger chunks that had you holding your breath as you processed the facts of his betrayal. He told you about it all. About the weakness, the desperation, and the loneliness he felt on tour. The need to be touched and seen–really seen–by someone. Even if that someone wasn’t you. How one bad decision turned into two, turned into three. And the guilt. The guilt that accompanied the deception that rose and rose like high flames, eating him up inside.

By the time Namjoon’s done speaking, the water’s gone lukewarm, and your fingers were pruned, yet neither of you gets out of the bath. You let Namjoon bring you to close, till your back's up against his chest. He lathers his hands, and you let his calloused palms wash the pain away. Till the only thing you feel is his light touch. You repeat this action to him, stroking his skin with absolute ease. Then, and only then do you step out of the water. Namjoon drapes a fluffy white towel over your shoulder and wraps it around you.

He looks you in the eyes, and tells you that you're the only woman he’s ever loved. The only woman he would ever love. And you believe him.

. . .

That night, you lay down beside him exhausted. Not the kind of exhaustion that comes from lack of sleep or a long day at work. Not the weariness that leads to nights of deep slumber–no–this is the weariness that puts stress on your heart. The kind that leaves you feeling drained. Empty. Beside you, Namjoon sleeps, but you’re wide awake.

Every nerve in your body is begging for rest. But it’s your heart keeping you up tonight.

Heart over mind, mind over matter. You're split in both directions. Wanting to stay, and wanting to go. You told yourself that you were leaving. Walking away from it all.

But something felt wrong.

Everything was already moving in one way, but your heart was starting to face another. You still hadn’t made up your mind.

You lay in bed with your eyes closed and remembered the first time you left. Before you knew the truth, before you knew anything really, except for the fact that you didn’t want to live in a lie. You packed your bag and drove to Jackson’s, but you couldn’t make it through the night without breaking down and calling your mom. You spilled your heart to her, and she heard you, even through all the tears. You called to get everything off your chest, but you were also searching for answers. You were desperate for her to give you some kind of sign of what you were supposed to do or an out, but she didn’t.

“Do you remember when you were little, and you used to make sandcastles at the beach?” she asked. “You used to love playing in the sand. Barely even went in the water. You spent all day just creating something, building your own world.”

It caught you off guard. You were so shocked that for the first time in hours you stopped crying.

The memory was hazy in your mind, but you could still picture those summer days filled with warm golden sun, and the salty sea air.

“Some days as the sun set, the tide would come in and wash away everything you worked on. And you’d cry. Cry your little heart out. There wasn’t anything I wanted more than to pick you up, and hold you in my arms, comfort you. But you were at that age where you needed to start learning how to comfort yourself. So I let you cry. And after you’d got out all your tears, sometimes you’d start over. Dig your hands into the sand and start building all over again. Make something new. And sometimes you’d give up, walk away and come sit by me.”

“Yeah mom I remember...but, what does that have to do with anything?”

“You built your marriage with Namjoon on a foundation of love, faith, and trust. That’s your sandcastle. And now that trust has been washed away you don’t know what to do, and you're crying out for me. Baby, I love you, but you’re gonna have to make this decision for yourself. I can’t make it for you. Whatever you decide, I will be right behind you, supporting you. If you want to stay and find a way to be together I will be here. If you want to divorce him I’ll be here for that, too. But you have to decide.”

You let her words sink in. You knew she was right. But you were so frustrated, so overwhelmed you burst into tears again. “How am I supposed to decide? It’s so hard to know what choice is right.”

“I don’t–I don’t want to make a mistake…” You said through sobs.

“(Y/n), the only thing worse than staying or going, is you holding your breath and being indecisive. You have to make a choice. Decide.”

You couldn't think of how to act on your mother’s advice back then, but in the present, you understood. You squinted in the dark and looked at the time. The clock on your nightstand reads 5:22 AM in bold red letters. You hadn’t even realized you’d been up all night with your thoughts.

You looked over at the man causing you this great affliction. Pale moonlight streamed through the window illuminated his heart-shaped face. You once thought of him to be a monster, but he wasn’t. He was just human. And for once, you finally sorted your feelings about him. You weren’t in limbo anymore.

You knew your decision:

Leave him | Choose him

Guilty Pleasures ༓ jjk (m)

✑ Summary: After three years in an arranged marriage you and Jungkook agree to a divorce. He comes to your office to pick up a few belongings he forgot about when he moved out. There are just a couple of minor issues–you still love him while he only sees you as a friend. A beautiful friend who he cares about, but a friend nonetheless...at least that's what he keeps telling himself.

pairing: ex-husband ceo!jungkook x ceo!reader, slight actor!taehyung x ceo!reader

genre/AU: angst, smut, loverstoexesto ?, unrequited love

word count: 3,328

Warnings: oc and jk are both 30, mention of gossip columns and unequal treatment of how oc is portrayed post-divorce, hint of differences between men and women in the business world, oc struggling to be professional, both care about each other and are not toxic but oc fell in love, oc has the need to groom him a little out of habit, talks about Bam, feat, Namjoon and Taehyung, and sexual content

sexual warnings: dom!jungkook, sub!reader, desk s*x, d*rty talk, oc is on bc, handjob, swearing, making out, neck kisses, clothed s*x, impulsive s*x, light praising, growling, some minor petnames (baby, Kook), mention of threesome, recalling of past sexual events

playing: Unkiss Me

a/n: uh…this one has been in my drafts and idk its kinda angsty but I decided I will share it. Enjoy! 🥰

From the moment he stepped into your office, Jungkook could tell every ounce of color was drained from your face. All except for your puffy red eyes that is, which he knows you've been rubbing fervently to keep your tears from rolling down your cheeks.

He doesn't blame you for it though–you're his ex-wife.

Recent ex-wife that is.

For three years the two of you masqueraded as the perfect power couple; appearing completely in love to the public eye in hopes of forming an unshakable business partnership (transaction more like). You attended charity balls together, collaborated on several work projects, and attended countless corporate functions to establish both your presence in your respective industries.

That's right, you and Jungkook were in an arranged marriage and it would have flourished into a classic love story if it wasn't for one obvious detail–you're the only one that fell in love.

Despite all the times he's called you "stunning" when you dolled up for formal events or that you "feel so good" during late-night sex, Jungkook never truly loved you. He cared about you, did his best not to intentionally hurt you, and even tried loving you back; thinking he could fall for you with time.

But the most he could ever see you as is a friend, a beautiful friend, though a friend nonetheless. He knows how much it pains you, especially after you've held out hope that he'll want you the same way someday. This one embarrasses you the most which he wishes it wouldn't.

Well, Jungkook doesn't want to trap either of you in a loveless marriage any longer. So even if it means being the center of gossip columns for a while, he's giving you a divorce so you can find the right person to share your love with.

After all, you deserve it; you both do.

Today's day one of looking at one another as exes and it's bittersweet, to say the least. The only factor that would make this worse is if children were in the equation, but there aren't any.

"Thanks for letting me swing by __," he speaks first, doing his best to conjure up a genuine smile. The black floral button-up he's wearing suits him well and his smooth chest peaking out near the collar is far too tempting, yet you know better than to let your eyes linger.

"Of course," you answer and grab a small box from behind your desk. "These are 100% yours so I wouldn't keep them from you." Jungkook takes the box of belongings from your hands with slight hesitation. You're keeping a brave front for the sake of civility and professionalism.

He doesn't blame you for that either.

As a CEO of a large multinational corporation himself, Jungkook's no stranger to the age-old philosophy that that office is no place to let your personal woes get out of hand; you have a team to lead and a reputation to uphold. The latter is proving to be harder for you than him, however, being that the media is portraying you as some kind of she-devil, spinster, or worse of all—a cheater.

Jungkook plans to personally make sure those articles get removed from the public eye before the end of the week. (Not that he'll tell you though.)

"I still could have dropped by the house to pick these up if it'd been easier. I feel bad for interrupting your work day over a couple of old books, records, and dog toys." He watches you nod silently as he vocalizes the inconvenience of it all; he really doesn't have to but he does it anyway.

"No, it's alright. You haven't been to the house since you moved out, so I thought it'd be better if we met here instead." You pause to check the time. "If there's anything you think of that you might've forgotten later, just let me know. In the meantime, I have a meeting in twenty so..."

"He misses you."

"I'm sorry?"

"Bam, I mean." Jungkook throws the box under an arm and pulls out his phone. He scrolls through his camera gallery until he gets to one particular photo of a red and tan Doberman. "He hates the new place and all he does is sulk by the door."

Your heart's already struggling to settle down from the painful reality that the man you love is leaving you, let alone being reminded of another forced separation. Bam's the closest thing to a baby that either of you ever had and he was one of the few things that bonded you and your now ex-husband together.

Being Jungkook's dog, however, he couldn't stay with you. That means no more visiting the dog park, sneaking treats behind Jungkook's back, and snuggling together in the king-size bed after a stressful day.

"I'm sure he just wants his favorite chew toy that's been held hostage at the house," you joke lightly, thinking it simpler to spin the topic. It's similar to what Jungkook does when he uses flowery language to soften the cold hard truth of your divorce; that he doesn't love you and he can't ever. "Give Bam a lot of attention for me. I miss him too."

"Of cour—shit!" When Jungkook moves to slip his phone back into his pocket he loses his balance, causing the box with his belongings to spill out on your office floor. Naturally, you kneel down to help him clean up the mess. It's not until your fingers reach for the same item and come into contact with each other that you quickly retract your hand. "Sorry, did I shock you?" He asks gently and tosses the last item into the box before standing up.

"No, you didn't." You rise to your feet as well, until you're face to face with him. This time it's closer than before. His hooded eyes stare straight into yours and you can't believe it takes being inches from his face to notice how bloodshot his eyes are. "You look exhausted. You should go home and rest Kook." The petname is out before your brain tells you to stop.

Jungkook's eyes widen, the corner of his lip subtly quirking up for the first time since the start of the conversation. "Don't worry about me __. I probably get more breaks than you do. But thanks." He briefly glances at the ticking Snoopy clock behind you, a Christmas gift he gave you as a joke last year. "You still have that?"

You look over your shoulder at the small, Snoopy-shaped digital clock on your desk. Ten minutes until your next meeting. "It's cute and it makes for a great conversation starter with clients so I guess so. If you want me to give it ba—"

"Keep it," he interrupts. "Please, it was a gift and I'd like you to have it if you enjoy it." Jungkook gnaws on his lip before continuing. "Speaking of clients and business partners, I should make myself scarce now shouldn't I?"

"Yes. I do have that meeting soon." But once he leaves, neither of you is sure when you'll see the other again aside from the odd charity event. The Annual Winter Gala in December is one that particularly comes to mind.

Most high-ranking executives like yourselves attend the function to keep up appearances and to network with other professionals. Last year, you and Jungkook were the center of attention however now that you're divorced, you fear you'll be avoided like the plague—they always preferred Jungkook over you anyway.

"You're forming a new partnership with that actor, right? Kim Taehyung? I read an inkling about it online yesterday." He also read his whole biography too. The man is equally handsome as he is altruistic and kind.

"Nothing's signed and sealed yet. I'm sure you've heard that he's gotten dozens of other offers on the table. To be honest, I'm surprised you haven't nabbed him yet."

"Yeah, we don't need...wait sorry, let me rephrase that. We aren't ready for a new partner or merger yet."

You can read between the lines despite Jungkook's correction. His company is thriving more than yours in every way, so he doesn't need the help of a third-party endorser...like you. Well, you're not doing too shabby yourself and this isn't simply about fame and fortune you want to argue.

The head poking through your door stops you from following through on that last line.

"Mrs. Jeon—shit." Your secretary Kim Namjoon screws his eyes shut at his drastic misstep. "Ms. __, Kim Taehyung called and said he'll be a bit late due to unexpected delays during his filming today. He apologizes profusely but is on his way over now. Sajangnim," he bows at Jungkook respectively.

"That's fine, Namjoon, thank you. You can send him in whenever he gets here. Mr. Jeon was just about to leave and I had the rest of my day cleared."

"Of course. I'll let him know to come in." Your secretary nods and shuts the door. Jungkook shifts between his feet once Namjoon is out of sight, a habit he's picked up that tells you he has more to say.

"Was there anything else, Mr. Jeon?" You shuffle a few files on your desk, prepping for your meeting with Taehyung. At this point, you're not even looking at Jungkook.

"Mr. Jeon? I think I prefer when you call me Kook more," he mutters, allowing his line of sight to catch a glimpse of your lips. "Can I...kiss you? Before I go."

The question knocks the wind out of your lungs and you instantly lift your head up toward him. "Kiss me?" You gulp slowly, then shake your head. "No, I'd rather we not. Goodbye kisses aren't really my thing." You couldn't be a bigger liar, evident from the sudden churning in your gut. Having Jungkook's lips on yours was the best and worst moments of your entire relationship but you have to fight yourself....your innate desires that tell you to say yes.

"Okay, I understand. What about a hug?"

"Jungkook..."

"I'm sorry, I'm pushing. Thanks again for my stuff." He gestures at the box under his arm. "I hope your meeting with Kim Taehyung goes well. Maybe I'll see you both at the next Winter Gala." He makes a beeline for the door.

"Wait!"

Jungkook stills in his tracks as he watches you stride in front of him. He's unsure what you stopped him for until your hands reach out towards his shirt collar, smoothing the delicate material down. A light smile plays on his face as you do this, though he says nothing aside from a simple 'thanks'.

"It was bothering me the whole time." You finish fixing his collar and peer up into his Bambi eyes. Out of all the potential suitors, you wish Jeon Jungkook didn't become your husband. It's not like you got to keep him or anything.

Jungkook once again flickers his gaze toward your barely parted lips. And this time, you do the same for him. Before either of you have time to back out you lean forward and kiss him.

It's a hard kiss too. Painful but so inviting that neither of you pulls away.

With his free hand, Jungkook snakes a hand around your waist to hug you close. Having his fingers pressed against the small of your back is so familiar and all you can do is deepen the kiss.

You're obviously not the only one that gets a sense of pleasure from this because, in a matter of seconds, the box from under Jungkook's arm falls to the ground. He then places his second hand on the side of your neck and jawline which you lean into, exposing the other side of your neck.

"Jungkook," you gasp when his lips attach themself to the soft skin, sucking lightly. His teeth come out and nip too. "Wait, we can't do this, we shouldn't. Taehyung, he'll be here soon."

"That would have sounded so convincing if you didn't just moan the words, baby." He walks you backward until you're forced to sit atop your mahogany desk.

"Don't call me that." You allow him to push up your pencil skirt and spread your thighs until your panties are the only material he sees. You decided to go with black lace today, his favorite now that you think about it.

"Did you—"

"No, they weren't for you."

A brief growl leaves the man's rose-tinted lips. "In that case, we don't need them." He places both hands on your hips and brings you into another kiss, messier than before. His tongue shoves between the seam of your lips to lick every crevasse he can. He hasn't kissed you like this for months and to be brutally honest, he's missed it as much as you.

Jungkook hasn't been with anyone else since marrying you either, which means he's completely adjusted to your body, your preferences, and what turns you on. The same applies to you so while he's busy shoving his tongue down your throat, you palm his half-harden bulge through his trousers.

"Mm," he groans and bucks his hips into your hand. You smile at how well you've managed to draw a response from him. With a little burst of confidence, you hastily move to unbuckle his pants. "What are you doing?" He mumbles between kisses.

You decide not to answer, preferring to reach inside his trousers to take his length out. You make sure to pump it a few times until he's fully hard. Jungkook has a gorgeous dick, and that takes a lot for you to admit.

"Fuck, that's it." He says with gritted teeth, now watching your hand as it moves up and down his cock. "Get me how you want me."

"We don't have much time." You slide your panties down your legs and spread your thighs wide apart, which makes Jungkook's eyes dilate about 10 meters. "Fuck me, please." One last time. Make love to me one last time.

"Are you sure? I don't have a condom."

"It's okay, I'm on birth control. As long as you're still clean then its fine."

"I am. I got tested recently. But are you sure you want this?"

You glance at his pulsating length, tip leaking with pre-cum, and swallow hard. "Hurry."

"Fuck, okay." Jungkook wastes not another second and guides you flat on your back, his hands resting on either side of your body. The coolness of your desk has you shiver slightly. He then urges you to raise your legs until they can wrap loosely around his slim waist. And as if second nature, you link your arms around his neck as he eases him into you. He's able to bottom out without much effort thanks to how wet you've become.

"Oh god." Your back arches off the surface of your desk as Jungkook thrusts into you. They're only practice thrusts at first to get you re-adjusted to his size, yet the pleasure zipping down your spine already has your eyes rolling up.

You shouldn't be doing this at all. Your conscious whispers to again to which you blindly dismiss. You'll enjoy it now and tomorrow, start a new—another lie you tell yourself.

"Fuckfuckfuck, you're so wonderful for me," he chants while pushing his cock in and out of you, the speed of his movements picking up to an insane rate. Jungkook never had an issue with quickies so he's likely in his element now. "You know what this reminds me of?" He cocks a smirk and kisses down your neck.

"Hm?"

"That time when we were abroad for a weekend conference. Remember when we stopped at my second office to pick up some files? You were so horny that day that you pushed me into my chair and demanded that I let you ride me. It took the wind right out of my sails to see you like that, so confident and in control." He prys apart the top button of your blouse until he can slide the material down your shoulders. He doesn't take it off completely, favoring the chance to place kisses on your newly exposed area instead.

"I was beyond stressed that day. It was the first time I had to speak at that conference and you looked so good with your freshly slicked back hair. I couldn't stop myself—oh fuck! Right there Kook, don't slow down. Please." Jungkook grunts at the use of his petname and fucks you rougher, sweat forming around his forehead as his dark hair dangles messily over his eyes.

You manage to sneak a glance at the time on your Snoopy clock between thrusts. "Shit, I need to come soon, or Kim Taehyung's never going to agree to do business with me." The man laughs and buries his head on your shoulder.

"You never know, he could be really into threesomes."

"Fuck! Don't joke about that." You claw at his back and surprise both of you with the unexpected clenching of your pussy.

"You're right, I take it back," he groans and continues to snap his hips. "Looks like he's not the one who wants a threesome after all, considering your body's response to the suggestion. You wanna ask him if he walks in?" He whispers in your ear and you're embarrassed that your cheeks burn at the thought.

Of course, Kim Taehyung was sexy and you've rehearsed to yourself dozens of times not to let yourself get any crazy ideas about him. Still, one unrequited love is enough for you; Taehyung wouldn't want a divorcee. You shake the train of thought before it has time to go any further. "Make me come, Kook. Need you to finish too. It's not just Taehyung who could walk in at any second."

Jungkook grunts and continues to thrust into you, bouncing you up and down his thick length as the desk shakes underneath you. He feels you getting closer and closer by the sporadic clenching of your walls squeezing him. A big part of him doesn't want this to end but it has to....he doesn't love you. He only wants to make you feel good before he has to say goodbye. Both of you come just before Namjoon calls your office phone, giving you a heads-up that Taehyung's about to enter your office.

Jungkook shoves his pants back on while you button up your blouse and fold over your skirt. You decided to shove your underwear in your bag with the lack of time. No one has any business digging in there anyway.

"How do I look?" You turn around to get a quick once-over from Jungkook but he's already out the door. Now the person standing in front of you is Kim Taehyung who has nothing but the most genuine smile.

"You look lovely as always Ms. __. I'm so sorry I'm late by the way. I feel terrible about it so I brought you these." Taehyung whips out a large bouquet of your favorite flowers. "Hope you don't mind that I did a little research on you ahead of time. I found out these have a special place in your heart."

You smile and accept the bouquet with thanks. As you set them on your desk, a messages comes through your phone. You manage to give a quick look.

Unknown Number: Sorry I had to duck so fast! I know it looked rude but Taehyung was already opening the door and you were dressed so I thought it'd be better if I left. Hope you're meeting goes well! And thanks for everything today ;) if you need anything, you have my number.

You flip your phone over and invite Taehyung to have a seat. Business is business, and you have to carry on even if your heart has completely sunk to the ground. Kim Taehyung is sweet anyway, so you'll enjoy his company.

Too bad you don't realize how much he enjoys yours as well.

a/n: so, yeah... there's a potential for our Jk to actually love oc and not realize it but either way he does care about her (despite the impulsive sex). And yes, taehyung likes oc... it's like a double unrequited love 😔 okay bye lmk what you think, thank you! 😘

masterlist

no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

If comfort was a person it would be namjoon<3

My tagged posts masterlist.

My tags for the boys are —

Namjoon - dimpled boy.

Seokjin — handsome boy.

Yoongi — honey boy.

Jimin — charming boy.

Taehyung — extraordinary boy.

Jungkook — adorable boy.

☽ work in progress fics.

☽ recent fics.

☽ upcoming fics.

➥ untitled #1

Jimin has always loved ____& asked ___’s parents for permission, but couldn’t marry her, because of so and so, so he builds his empire, works hard on himself, improves himself, and gets set on marrying her. This time, with the intention of not letting her go.

Navigation page

↬about me.

↬my masterlist.

↬my tagged posts masterlist.

Jeon jungkook masterlist

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

Kim taehyung masterlist

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

Park jimin masterlist

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

Jung hoseok masterlist

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

Min yoongi masterlist

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

Kim seokjin masterlist

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

m.list kim namjoon.

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

↬to be added.

𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵 + 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴

I recognise my own worth and value.

I have healthy self esteem.

I love and accept every single part of myself.

I am the golden child.

I am literal perfection in every way.

My confidence is to die for, I am the main character.

I never settle for anything less than what I deserve and I deserve only the best.

I am the it girl/guy/etc.

I am addicting.

I am alluring, enticing and charming.

I am divine.

I am naturally talented at all that I do.

I am immune to negativity and self doubt.

I priotise myself.

I always feel confident and capable.

I am authentically myself at my rawest form.

I am so effortlessly myself that other people feel super comfortable to be themselves around me.

I have perfect self concept.

I never seek the validation of others for fulfillment because I am already fulfilled within.

I am worthy of every blessing coming my way.

I am extremely blessed and I have a lot to offer to the world.

I have so much love for myself that this love overflows to everyone around me.

I shine with the brilliance of royalty.

I am the gem that will change the world.

I embody my higher self in everything that I do.

I take actions daily that awaken my personal power.

I speak my truth boldly without any hesitation.

I take care of my needs and well-being before anything else.

I honour and respect my values and boundaries.

I am confident in what I have to offer the world.

I am worthy of respect and admiration.

Every word and action of mine is precious to this world.

I believe I am the most gorgeous person alive.

I am so fucking in love with the absolute god/goddess I truly am.

My masterlist.

Updated. Nov 19, 2023.

[ key. ❃ ⇾ fluff; ☁ ⇾ angst; ☆ ⇾ smut ]

☾ kim namjoon.

☾ kim seokjin.

☾ min yoongi.

☾ jung hoseok.

☾ park jimin.

☾ kim taehyung.

☾ jeon jungkook.

GENZ IS THE MOST MISGUIDED GENERATION.

Just something i wrote when I made this Tumblr.

About me.

Namaste. My name is Ruhaani, I’m from India.

I really love Lilith and lillies, therefore, my blog name.

You’re free to share my writings, although mostly I only rant here.

I’m just a tsundere girl who’s also an introvert. So, excuse me if I come off too rude to you.

I’ve been a BTS army since boy with luv era, and will continue supporting them.

I love k—dramas, I watch dramas of almost all languages. and my current favourite is ‘the king: eternal monarch.’ and ‘coffee and vanilla.’

My favourite songs include sweet by cigarettes after sex, like a drug by jordyne, often (remix) by the Weeknd, into it & slow down by chase Atlantic, not afraid anymore & Lilith ft suga by Halsey.

My favourite movies are fifty shades trilogy (movie), Malena (it’s a really sad movie, but it’s my favourite ’cause that is the exact reality of so many plutonic women out there & it portrays that perfectly).

I’m ot7, all members bias wreck me from time to time.

You’re free to talk to me, but don’t send unnecessary sexual messages, you’ll be blocked.