So Out Of Place..

So out of place..

I was meant for the black and white movies.

This age is too much for me..

I was made for a time when horses and corsets were commonplace..

I was meant for chatting in coffee houses and book dates to books stores

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for innovations

Electricity? I love it

Mobiles? So efficient

But I really can’t help but yearn

for a time that can’t possibly return

A time of blossoms and greenness, lovely dresses and exquisite balls, of letters and of love that were true.

I wish it were enough to just exist, to just be alive..

It’s hard being a rope.

One moment you’re just mindin’ your own business, holdin’ up a jungle bridge…

…and the next, you start appearing and disappearing completely at random.

No wonder the bridge is falling – some silly civil engineer decided to use transdimensional supports again.

I thank you.

I like what i am now,  little bit broken. I am glad I am. A few months back I was a complete mess. You left me so broken. And maybe you were sad too. But you’ve found someone new. And you’re happy. By god did that kill me. 

I’m glad you did. because if you hadn’t i wouldn’t have realized how little I meant to you. How futile our love was to you. I tried so hard to pretend it was all fine, that seeing the two of you together did not kill me. Heaven only knows the nights i cried myself to sleep. 

You told me that you found yourself with her. well good. But i was left behind on the ground to up the pieces of my shattered heart.

Nevertheless i picked myself up. It still hurts, seeing the two of you together, happy, but not as much. I am able to push aside the thoughts of what we were and how we could’ve been. I can look past the hurt and the pain you’ve caused. I may not be able to let myself love again anytime soon, but i will..eventually. 

More than anything I’m proud of myself. i picked myself up without anyone. I didn’t need another person’s affection to feel close to whole again. I can’t wait to fall in love again. Maybe this time I’ll fall for someone who’ll love just as deeply and just as honestly as i will them. Maybe this time I’ll do justice to my emotions, to my fears, to my dreams ...and to my love. 

I don’t blame you, I thank you. 

With love,                                                                                                                the one person you meant the world to 

I went to the beach yesterday, it was fun.

It took me three different busses, a boat and a 6km walk to get there, but i guess it was worth it ❤️

I like that picture. It’s blurry but kinda pretty. That blurry picture is what most of us are I think..

We make it look like we’re happy, we’re all perfect.. but really on the inside we’re trying to make it past each day without breaking apart.. and that’s okay.. being a blurry picture of a happy life is okay.. it’s okay not to feel okay.. we don’t need to be perfect, we don’t need to have it all together... it takes time, but sooner or later we will become a 4K picture of being content.

The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved..

Ya know I really want to type out happy things. I want to write that I'm happy, my grades are up, my attendance is top notch, my professors are amazing, haven't been sick in a while, that I'm FANTASTIC!!

But that's the thing, I'm not. And I know that there's quite a lot of people out there right now, probably not reading this, feeling this way.

I'm scared. Simply put, I'm scared.

I'm so scared for what's to come that I'm not able to live my now and I dont even know what even IS coming..

My 2nd sem starts tomorrow, and I tried to open my book and I just blank. I dont know what I'm going to do in class. I'm scared to even drop my course, because if I do, what next? What new course can i do? I cant not have a college degree, right? Will I be okay if I dont have a college degree?

I've been tried so hard to catch up to something that I dont even know, I've forgotten whom I used to be..

But if you closed your eyes, does it almost feel nothing's changed at all ...

There are these small pockets, small moments when for a small while I forget about my impending doom and I feel calm. Just for a little bit.

Then the walls come tumbling down again...

Tell me how am I gonna be an optimistic about this ..