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I started smoking weed because I couldn’t handle my alcohol (read: it made me into an asshole, among ruining my life & other things). And I didn’t have access to other things.

I stopped hanging out with friends because I was embarrassed of my using. Because I like to go go go until I’m basically comatose. Because for me, using & drinking - it’s not about the fun anymore. It’s about getting my mind to shut up, it’s about feeling calm in my chest. As my therapist says “you live life on overdrive, huh?” haha. Blame the ADHD and traumatic childhood.

It’s really depressing to read that and realize I’m talking about myself.

I guess I’ve always been like that. Whether it’s opiates, amphetamines, cocaine, ecstasy, alcohol, weed, anything really… whatever and how much ever it takes to get me out of my head.

It’s always when I go too hard, when I dance the fine line between life and death, that I realize I want to live. So I live. But I don’t know why.

Anyway, some life updates:

I have not drank. Nope. Not a single sip. Can’t BELIEVE IT!!! 128 days. The real test is next week when I’m in Mexico for two weeks for my wedding.

We’re cutting off the weed. I’m trying to. It’s so so so hard. For what it’s worth, I have enjoyed my mindful evening walks with a joint in my hand.

I’ve been trying to remind myself why life is worth living. The sweetness and consistency in every day.

I got a job!! It’s part time & low stress.

Most of my depression circles around “what’s the point?” and “everything people want is just societal conditioning and I dislike people” …really light stuff.

It’s not that I dislike people if I’m being honest, it’s that I’m a really sensitive person, I don’t care that much about people’s actions, and I often take people literally. Sarcasm? We don’t know her very well LOL. Also I need a lot of alone time, like A LOT. People don’t always get that.

I’ve left shame, guilt, over apologizing, feeling insecure & caring what people think back in 2023.

So I fucked up and became a lil pothead again. It could have been worse. I think that it had to happen this way.

People make mistakes!!! No one is perfect!!! Let’s forgive others and ourselves!!! We’re doing the best we can!! It’s our first time being human!!!

SHE is trying to show me something.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. More to come.

what resembles the grave but isn’t, anne boyer // i didn’t apologize to the well, mahmoud darwish (trans. fady joudah).

having short-term memory is like. this book profoundly affected me. that show bared my soul. i don’t remember a single thing about it. but it did

relationships and jobs are temporary. your shitty unpopular tumblr blog is forever

Jenny Zhang, from "my sweet angel on earth thank you for this life"