Addiction Recovery - Tumblr Posts

50 -

And so we begin again. Day 1.

I don’t have much to say except I’m trying. When I don’t want to, when I don’t have faith - I’m still trying. Sometimes it takes me a little bit before I get back to that mindset.

But I give myself grace because each time I pick myself back up after falling down, I get a little farther before I stumble again. And maybe one day, I won’t stumble at all.

Back to the basics this week.

51 -

It has been day 1 for me again for going on….a week. I’m stuck. Every night I think to myself: okay tomorrow, going to wake up and reset. And maybe the first 5 minutes I do feel that way but then I’m not sure what happens? Head gets cloudy and I go back to the same old alcoholic routine,

I’m still trying.

Also refusing to feel sorry for myself, I will not wallow. I know this had to happen - relapses happen! I’m imperfect. What’s important is that I get back on the horse.

Ok so I will do that….maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a day off and am feeling like I need to go a meeting even if it’s the only thing I do.

All I have to say.

52 -

The past two months have felt like a blur, stuck in a vicious cycle of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, and so on.

It’s been really fucking tough. I’ve felt like a zombie. Sometimes it feels like this is all life is, a weary merry-go-round until we die.

But after falling down 800 times and still getting back up on that 801st try - I’m in a much better place.

And I’m not beating myself up about it. Shit happens, we fall down. Sometimes we fall down and stay down because we’re so fucking tired of having to get back up.

I watched a looootttt of movies with happy endings as a kid. I did a lot of things alone and I never really noticed how much that influenced my way of thinking and my approach to life. I guess that’s where I started to believe that I had to live two lives. Because who I really am - my family didn’t like. As a woman of color, of immigrant parents, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood - I never felt like I found my place. I didn’t belong at home and I definitely didn’t belong in the outside world.

So we take that first drink or the first hit to forget we feel that way inside. And we keep drinking and using to keep forgetting.

And it’s where I started to believe that one day everything will magically work out so I just have to keep holding on to be saved.

I’ve spent so much time ignoring my body that trying to be present in it now, as an adult, makes me feel like a fearful little kid. Anxiety feels scary because I never learned how to manage it.

Ignore all the problems until you’re almost 30 and have a bunch of substance abuse issues and no one to turn to because you can’t trust the people who were supposed to care for you.

I’m just so damn tired of caring. Caring what people think - am I being nice and kind and do they feel heard and god forbid any one ever thinks I have ill intentions….

So yeah, my attitude lately is to block out the noise & do whatever I want to do. Whatever I know is truly good for my soul.

So I started a weaving again and have made some yummy food and am getting in a lot of snuggles with my dog. Also I listen to new music and take in the sunset. I take a long bath and put on my expensive lotion that’s saved for a special occasion because every day is a special occasion now that I am CHOOSING to be alive.

I realized I like having little projects. So I’ve been assigning myself shit to try because I’m interested in it. And that’s enough of a reason for me.

Isn’t the whole point of life to experience? And when you boil it down to that core, what really separates us from each other if we are all in it for the experience?

Am I sounding crazy?? Because I‘be never felt more enlightened and grounded in my sense of things.

Holy shit, it all makes sense now.

Or maybe this is all just one psychotic episode waiting to break loose. Lol. Hopefully not.

I’ve decided I don’t need some big overarching life goal - that I’m totally fine with going with the flow. I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, forcing myself to think that way has actually cemented this “not good enough” belief.

Because when I think back as a kid and getting lost in the present - I was happy. I used to get lost in entertaining myself for hours. And the world (or my world) told me that was wrong. I wasn’t doing it correctly.

But I’m fine the way I am. You know? Like imagine if we could roll the tape back to before we ever started to hate ourselves or constantly try to “fix” our lives - how did we approach the world before everything was clouded by this inherent sense of “not good enough”.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that people don’t automatically think and know the worst parts of me and judge me by it.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that nobody really is that bothered by me. I’m feeling okay taking up my little space in the world.

I’m ready to care for that little girl who has felt so scared and uncomfortable all these years.

In some ways, I’ve never felt more free.

53 -

Sometimes I feel so different from everyone else I meet. I don’t want to pretend anymore. So I don’t.

I crave solitude almost 95% of the time these days. I mean no texting (not that I do that much any way), no calls, no social media, no doom scrolling - just lost in the day to day. And I like it this way.

I enjoy people and I really love my friends. But I don’t expect anything from them. If they show up, they show up & if they don’t, they don’t. I don’t read much more into it than that. I used to spend HOURS obsessing over social interactions, what people thought of me, if people liked me - etc.

And now I just, don’t really think about people at all.

I’ve been really into walks around my neighborhood, consumed with school & all my other time is essentially devoted to: organizing my life, self-care, painting (a new hobby), hot yoga, etc.

I do have a constant thought plaguing me: “am I becoming a selfish asshole?”

I think it’s more, I am no longer holding myself responsible for other people. Managing emotions and expectations. That’s their responsibility.

I can barely manage myself sometimes so like, the fact that I have tried to manage others for a good portion of my life just exhausts me to think about.

If I am ever offensive or rude or anything perceived poorly, I trust that people know they can come to me and we can talk through it.

I think that for most of my life, I defined my self worth and value through people liking me, having lots of friends/plans, making my life appear great. I thought if people liked me then I mattered.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel pretty strong in who I am and what I stand for. And I know I’ll be okay. Even if I still struggle from time to time.

So like, things are pretty groovy rn. Onward and upward

54 -

In a weird place lately, but a good one. It just feels uncomfortable - kind of like getting a new pair of shoes and waiting for them to fully break in. Or wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t quite fit.

I’m doing really well lately. Ok, honestly I feel like “doing well” has a lot of room for interpretation. But as far as my mind and heart go - I’m doing just fine.

Because I don’t hate myself anymore. And this is everything.

So I’m not exactly where I want to be yet. So what? I am enjoying where I am at.

So people (in my life or not even in my life) don’t exactly approve or understand my life choices. All good - it’s my life, not theirs

I took 5+ grams of shrooms and found myself. Okay that sounds absolutely bonkers when I re-read that but it’s true.

I’ve had some alcohol since that time and I feel completely different drinking. Like I didn’t want to create chaos or hurt the people I love - HELLO WIN! Also, I don’t actually like the way alcohol makes me feel anymore but I acknowledge and recognize when I drink, I am indulging the old me.

Beyond that, I’ve just felt so settled. Whatever happens, I trust in my ability to find a way through. I am the woman in the arena, I am a survivor and I am resilient.

Some of the thought patterns that used to plague me, don’t as much anymore. It’s strange.

I turned 30 and decided now or never.

I think it also goes without saying - but living a life that you enjoy, that brings you peace and security…..wow it changes the game. I try so hard to have sympathy/empathy for those who feel stuck or unhappy.

But if you’re not going to do anything about it, I can’t fucking help you. Because even when shit has been as bad as it has, maybe I wallow sure - BUT I FIND A WAY THROUGH.

What’s crazy to me is this overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I feel present in my body.

Okay so still struggling with weed (because like who isn’t, when alcohol is so 1990) but lately I’ll put the damn bong down and eat a meal or take a nap/rest.

A year ago…..I would have died with the bong in my hand.

I haven’t felt as called to write. My thoughts have felt really jumbled and I’ve been really content to just “be” without needing to overanalyze it all.

Ok I always say that I need to get over this concept of “one day everything is going to magically be better”.

But………….everything has become magically better.

I scrolled back to my original posts first out of the hospital and I don’t recognize that woman. I want to hug her and tell her I’m proud of her. That so many people don’t have the courage to look their truth in the face and accept it, but she did. And she continues to.

I want her to know that I believe in her with all my heart. She can do this. She will do this. She will break the cycle and she will achieve the recurring dream of sitting on her deck in the backyard she owns, recounting how she made it through.

She will. And I will. I am!

55 -

Life trucks on.

I really struggled in June. Fell into a depressive episode that lasted almost the whole month. I missed half the days of school and I smoked weed to deal with how miserable I felt.

Normally I’d beat myself up about this. Another fucking setback.

Instead I’m choosing to remember that change does not happen overnight. It’s the little steps, sometimes tiny ones even, that add up over time.

I got on new meds for ADHD and depression and they seem to be helping significantly. I quit weed and now we are a sober potato all day long. I’m still in the early stages so I’m definitely feeling out of it, distracted, irritable, antsy, BORED!

But I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

It’s so god damn hard.

A cornerstone of my depression is lack of interest, in anything. I don’t know where it went but it’s been gone for some time. I want it back.

I want to wake up feeling optimistic, energized and ready to take on the world.

I’ve realized a lot of life is built on faith - in others, in myself, in good things coming. Faith is hard to develop when you’ve spent your whole life thinking the opposite. But I’m working on it.

As usual, I am a beautiful work in progress. Each day, a little better & brighter. And I have come so far already :)

56 -

Sometimes I look around and I wonder if everyone questions their sense of reality as much as I do.

I feel like something is about to crack.

57 -

Well. It’s me. And it’s time to come clean. Or get clean.

I write this at 3am (still drunk) sitting in a hotel because I was too drunk to drive so I fell asleep in my car for 6 hours. At the mall.

So I guess let’s sit here and face some hard truths.

I thought I was better than everyone else. I thought if I fixed everything underneath, then alcohol wouldn’t be a problem. I thought then, I could control it. I thought I could find the easy way through and be this person that’s like “wow I really struggled and rags to riches and all that”. I thought if I could have one or two instances where I drank and was fine - POOF! It’s proof I’m cured!!

Haha god I am so annoying sometimes.

OMG SURPRISE! Alcoholism isn’t a quick fix. You can’t take a bunch of magic mushrooms and fix it. You can’t get on the proper meds for your mental issues and fix it. You can’t upheave literally your entire life to run from the problem and fix it. You can’t tell yourself “this is where I am and I give myself grace” and fix it. You can’t “only drink a little” and “pace yourself” and fix it.

My husband (who I love more than breathing) can tell me that my drinking is hurting him and I can’t (won’t) fix it.

EVEN if my life gets good and I no longer want to “escape” it per se.

I can’t fix it.

Blame my hyper independence but I realize now that I thought I could fix any problem. Ever. I can find an easy solution to keep coasting. Like I legit pride myself on working the system.

But this also stems from my desire to break free of normalcy and the confines of society and being a sheeple and needing to be a “certain” way to achieve “success”. In case it isn’t obvious, I could go on and on about this.

Side bar: if you’re reading this and feeling shitty about where you’re at in life, like you’re not successful enough - let me leave you with this: who decided that success looked like? Who defined it for you? I guarantee it wasn’t you. What if you were to decide the definition of success and being a good person? What would that look like?

So yeah. I am fully going off the deep end. Luckily this go around I haven’t ended up in the hospital or injured myself or someone else - but something needs to give.

I don’t understand why I can’t give up the alcohol? IT’S LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. Ads, TV shows, grocery store displays, billboards.

It’s only once you have a drinking problem that you really notice how ingrained alcohol is in our culture. Or maybe you’re a smart one who realized it ahead of time - god fuck you, I am jealous of you.

I don’t know how to stop. I’m in tears thinking this is going to kill me. I don’t want to stop because I don’t have another or better option.

Ok like I know what’s smart, I know what’s best. Just stop drinking right? Obviously you know what it’s doing to your life and the people around you. You’re smart - stop.

I don’t want to. I want to be a normal person who can drink and get lit from time to time and not have it be a big deal. Not have it turn into a 6 month bender. I need to let this expectation go but I don’t know how because I feel like if I admit it… people look at you differently, they hold you to a different standard, they watch you.

I swear this happens but tell me if I’m actually just paranoid.

ITS NOT THAT GOD DAMB EASY OKAY IM SO SORRY FOR BEING THE HURRICANE RIGHT NOW

So yeah. In my underwear. Drunk. An hour from home. At a hotel. Not sure what to do. Not sure how to explain this one. I found a nearby meeting at 7am, let’s see if I even wake up lol.

Honestly? I give up. I don’t know best. I don’t know anything!!! Now what do I do?

Each day - we keep going. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

58 -

So I’m still drunk. I can’t let it go. I haven’t been home since 8am yesterday.

But this is me, writing this in a parking lot of a church - waiting for a meeting.

So this is what my best looks like right now. And it’s gonna have to fucking do.

59 -

I went to the meeting. It was good. I was drunk for it but hey I showed up.

I got home safely, finally. We (not me, we) threw out all the hidden alcohol and had a hard conversation.

I called my mom and I told her what happened and I let her “mom” me.

I decided to take a leave of absence from school.

I made it through today. And I can go to sleep. I will not drink tomorrow.

I realize I was not putting my recovery first. I got a little cocky and a little arrogant.

I thought “I’m smarter than other addicts”

Ok like go with me on this thought because I know that no one except an addict will get this but let’s pretend we all do:

It’s one thing to be 18 and get high before work at Old Navy and hahaha it’s your funny little secret. No one knows and work was more fun today. Or to steal alcohol from Walmart and be all wild and silly and “omg I’m like sooOoo drunk”

It’s quite another thing when getting high means cold water extraction opiates. (So you can take more without killing your liver on the Tylenol portion. You know, the normal crack head shit. Duh?)

And what they don’t tell you when you decide to be a rebellious, misunderstood teenager - that that turns into knowing what liquor stores are open at 7am. Being too fucked up to drive so you have to order alcohol delivery. Finding a random pill on the sidewalk & trusting google then taking it. Stealing pills from friends, family - literally anyone. Knowing exactly how to drink in front of others and they have no idea - spiking “normal drinks” / dark water bottles. Driving drunk, like….all the time. Being so fucked up for so long that sobriety almost feels like its own sort of drug lol. Lying, making excuses, ignoring, not eating, not sleeping, developing acne, being unable to walk up stairs without being winded, bad hygiene, isolating, sleeping with whomever just to feel worthy, doing so much blow that the blinds moving gives you a panic attack, actually just like doing blow and licking the god damn bag for that last piece, getting kicked out of places, getting a dui (oh and still driving drunk on a suspended license), knowing the graveyard gas station guy on a first name basis, being on house arrest, having the person you love most tell you that you’re hurting them unintentionally, being unreliable, chaotic etc etc etc

So a year ago I started this online journal because I thought I was gonna do it. I was going to get sober and stay sober. Finally.

Well it didn’t quite play out that way. I only have myself to blame.

Here we fucking go again. Each day a little ….something but idk what that is to be honest.

60 -

I need to end today with something hopeful so here it is:

I think everything I need (to find happiness and fulfillment) may actually be within me….

Because I’m definitely in a low and I scrolled back to look over what I had written before, not sure what I was hoping for but then I found it….hope itself.

If I have been happy and sober before, I can do it again.

If I can believe in myself and the goodness of this life, I can believe again. That part of me doesn’t just disappear.

Honestly? I’m actually a pretty cool person outside of the drinking. I like to be people’s safe space.

Ok pause, sometimes I am actually extremely fun when drinking. Or is this the alcoholism talking *wink*

I just need to surrender and trust that. Trust my greater She. I told her to STFU for a few months - ouch I’m not perfect. Sorry girl, no hard feelings.

I will put my trust back in her.

One day at a time.

Okay. I can do this. Again. I have to.

61 -

I’m just so tired. The urge to escape was strong this morning. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday was so emotionally draining. I feel like a failure right now but deep down I know I’m not.

I wouldn’t have been able to say that before. And that’s how I know things are changing :)

I don’t believe in signs but my ex (everyone has that one ex that just….you know, THE EX of all the exes) contacted me out of nowhere and I can’t stop staring at the message.

He contacts me periodically, a thirsty slide into the DMs. lol

(also me: HAHAHA told ya mf i was amazing ur loss big boi)

I’m obviously not going to touch that, but it gets me thinking about how things always seem to come around at the same time.

Is there a deeper meaning to anything?

Is this a sign - maybe the universe is saying “hey it’s your chance, here’s temptation to fuck it all up and it’s up to you girly!”

I’m only human so I’ll admit it, there will always be a tiny grain of hope. Doesn’t matter how committed or in love I am now.

Because who hasn’t been fucked over or taken for granted, and hoped that one day they’d come back and realize? Like finally getting revenge in a way.

The heart isn’t mutually exclusive.

I feel so vulnerable and all of the thought patterns I’ve worked so hard to overcome, are just lurking in the shadows.

It’s funny how our addict minds are just waiting for the second we start to feel better - regardless of how bad it was last time, it will still try to convince me it’ll be different next time.

It’s fucked up honestly. My own brain? Working against me.

But you know what? This time I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I don’t want to be perfect - I am just too tired to care anymore.

I deleted all of my social media and decided my new life dream is to be a ghost.

Sometimes….it really is just about doing the work. I cried so much in the last 24 hours but it has been cathartic. I forgot that crying is actually a completely normal expression and release of energy.

I’m definitely afraid of my feelings. This is all I know so far.

Hey, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Each day, a little more. I won’t drink today.

62 -

Baby steps. No drink & no desire to drink.

Actually I’ve been craving a salad and yoga haha.

I’m trying to take it easy and slow. No grandiose expectations or promises

The only things I need to do right now are slow down, breathe deep & not drink.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

63 -

I keep getting so keyed up and my heart starts racing then the thoughts start blurring and I think “I need to crawl out of my skin RIGHT NOW”

….and then I stop. Force myself to pause. Take a few breaths.

I sit on the floor of my bathroom as I write this.

I remember that these feelings pass. It’s normal to sit with them, to hold them for a while if needed.

To expect myself to always be on and perfect is unsustainable.

So I can be less than 100% if I need to be, it’s okay. I’m still me - with all of the good.

It’s okay to feel really lost and discombobulated, I’m learning & building a new normal.

Cheers! Another day to conquer without fear.

64 -

I just feel shitty these days. I know I can’t drink. But the temptation to turn it all off is there.

I have a small window of time today and man, I am so tempted to cave and get just one drink. I’m not very good at being “bored”.

I am hot, my thoughts are disjointed, I feel disoriented, I feel antsy.

I made myself drive to a cafe and am sitting and eating lunch hoping to ride out the craving.

But I’ve made it 11 days without the booze! Yay! And tumblr just wished me happy 1 year to my blog.

My blog that I started with the intention of quitting alcohol….lol let this show that addiction isn’t easy people!

But we keep trying.

I’ve decided to surrender. When I start to feel like things are getting crazy in my body and it’s time to numb out - I try to challenge myself with staying within. Being present.

Apparently you can’t blanket surrender and just let life have its way with you. You have to actively surrender every day - how annoying lol

FEEL IT ALL BABY! Relearn how to live. Some people never do.

Reasons why I won’t drink today even though I feel like it would be fine:

• it affects my mood - down mood for the next 3 days, do I really want that?

• anxiety feels like whiplash every 10 minutes

• I will feel like a failure starting over again

• temporary relief that creates a bigger long-term problem

• I cannot control it

• to prove all the haters wrong lol (read: friends that gave up on me, exes that thought I was a mess)

This is my best today and it’s ok! I’m sober :)

65 -

Random thoughts lately:

I used to live my life assuming my mom’s started the day she had me. It was so hard to imagine her as a person, just like myself, with hopes and dreams and failures and a whole other life.

I glad I have the opportunity to know her now.

•

It’s funny how we continue to discover new versions of ourselves. I’m having a hard time letting the old version of me go. I feel like I’m wearing shoes that don’t fit quite right…at least not yet. I’ll have to break them in.

I think it’s so easy to stay stuck in an idea of who we are or who we are meant to be. Who I was at 20 is not who I am today at 30 and I sure hope it will not be who I am at 40. I want life to change me.

I will wear the scars of my life on my body and in my heart to show that I am a warrior.

•

I wish I could feel things less. I wish I didn’t think so much. I wish I didn’t constantly seek the deeper meaning.

When I feel numb, I feel empty.

When I feel sad, I am devastated.

When I feel happy, I am euphoric.

I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.

Maybe I need to go re-read that BPD criteria again.

•

I do not fear my vulnerabilities. I’m not pretending - what you see is who you get. I’ve been told this makes me appear confident……which just makes me laugh.

The only person who gives power to your fears is you.

I am not giving mine any power today.

66 -

We’re back at day 4 of no booze. I caved at the two-week mark. Nothing wild but also as I sipped I realized a few things:

• I stopped after a few sips because it wasn’t the relief I was looking for. Short term feeling - but the long term impending doom sense switched on.

• Immediate gratification is great, obviously. But working at something, sitting with it - it’s not supposed to relieve the feeling per se, but show you how to manage it. How to live life while carrying it. The more we sit with our feelings, the stronger the resilience we build.

• There’s nothing wrong with me if my energy is low or my mood is off

• I will not genuinely be able to understand myself & my feelings/mood cycles if they are constantly warped through the use of substances.

• Everything goes back to the breath

• Not prioritizing my basic needs means that I’ll overcompensate in other areas

• It’s okay if I don’t buy into AA - I think, as with everything, you take what you need and leave what doesn’t resonate. Not everything will. But in my experience, there’s an underlying “pressure” to follow the way they tell you and make it your life. However, I think some of the principles they teach have been eye opening and have really helped me. It feels safe to wear my shame in those rooms.

• Every time I “fail”, I learn something from it. Leaning into failing = more knowledge.

• Sometimes all I need to do is get out of my head and into my body. I should really stretch more

• Remember the bigger picture of your life

That’s all. We keep going.

67 -

Depression is so weird. It’s not that I don’t care - I’d love to want to care. I desperately want to care.

Anything is better than feeling a dullness inside of you. What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway.

I don’t feel sad or angry, I just feel empty. And it is all consuming.

I feel like I’m watching my life slip away. Witness to my own self destruction.

I can’t muster the energy or desire to do anything even though I know I should. I know it’ll make me feel better but I’m not fully convinced enough to actually take action.

My floor is covered in laundry that hasn’t been done in longer than I want to admit on the internet.

I haven’t showered in over a week. My eating and sleeping habits are a joke. I’m slipping.

The worst part about depression is that is snowballs and you don’t. see. it. happening.

Then it’s a few years later and you can barely take care of yourself. The fact that I have so far to go to get back to where I’ll feel okay is daunting; it makes me give up without trying sometimes.

But then I think, I get to set a new standard for where and how I’ll feel okay.

But what if I set the wrong one?

You see I am EXHAUSTED at trying to figure myself out. I just want to get to a point where I can manage the stress of life without relying on a substance. Where I can ignore intrusive thoughts. Where I have the capacity to consistently be a good friend, daughter, wife, worker….

I ran out of my meds a few days ago so I want to blame that for how I feel okay.

But I’m not drinking.

68 -

I drank again. Still drinking. I know it’s bad. I’ll save all of the justifications.

My husband said “I need you to stop drinking”.

And I got angry. Like who the hell is he to tell me HE NEEDS ME to stop drinking? As if I don’t already know that. As if I don’t need ME to stop drinking. As if I didn’t raise myself this whole time and this is how I made it through. As if I don’t already hate myself for this.

I know it’s the addict in me getting defensive but..it’s hard.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

69 -

It’s funny how we wait until we feel good, to do the things that make us feel good.

I have so many cute clothes and ideas and projects and adventures I want to try….when I’m no longer depressed.

So they just sit in the back of the closet and I pass them on occasion and I feel sad that I’m stuck in this apathetic rut.

But that’s the thing right? These things - these bring me joy. If I don’t do them, then I wont have the joy. So obviously I have to take care of myself even when I don’t feel my best because THAT’S when it’s MOST important! It carries you through those times.

I mean duh right?

Anything is easy when you feel up to doing it.

So with that in mind, I’ve been trying to step into my fear. Embrace not doing it perfectly. Embrace saying the wrong thing sometimes. Embrace making people mad, because I will. Embrace messing up. Embrace having the same lesson taught over and over to me.

I feel…not good, but not bad?

This weekend I did laundry, cleaned, went on a little walk, took care of my husband, got some pizza and finished my homework! Go me!

We will keep trying to figure this shit out.