51 -

51 -

It has been day 1 for me again for going on….a week. I’m stuck. Every night I think to myself: okay tomorrow, going to wake up and reset. And maybe the first 5 minutes I do feel that way but then I’m not sure what happens? Head gets cloudy and I go back to the same old alcoholic routine,

I’m still trying.

Also refusing to feel sorry for myself, I will not wallow. I know this had to happen - relapses happen! I’m imperfect. What’s important is that I get back on the horse.

Ok so I will do that….maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a day off and am feeling like I need to go a meeting even if it’s the only thing I do.

All I have to say.

53 -

Sometimes I feel so different from everyone else I meet. I don’t want to pretend anymore. So I don’t.

I crave solitude almost 95% of the time these days. I mean no texting (not that I do that much any way), no calls, no social media, no doom scrolling - just lost in the day to day. And I like it this way.

I enjoy people and I really love my friends. But I don’t expect anything from them. If they show up, they show up & if they don’t, they don’t. I don’t read much more into it than that. I used to spend HOURS obsessing over social interactions, what people thought of me, if people liked me - etc.

And now I just, don’t really think about people at all.

I’ve been really into walks around my neighborhood, consumed with school & all my other time is essentially devoted to: organizing my life, self-care, painting (a new hobby), hot yoga, etc.

I do have a constant thought plaguing me: “am I becoming a selfish asshole?”

I think it’s more, I am no longer holding myself responsible for other people. Managing emotions and expectations. That’s their responsibility.

I can barely manage myself sometimes so like, the fact that I have tried to manage others for a good portion of my life just exhausts me to think about.

If I am ever offensive or rude or anything perceived poorly, I trust that people know they can come to me and we can talk through it.

I think that for most of my life, I defined my self worth and value through people liking me, having lots of friends/plans, making my life appear great. I thought if people liked me then I mattered.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel pretty strong in who I am and what I stand for. And I know I’ll be okay. Even if I still struggle from time to time.

So like, things are pretty groovy rn. Onward and upward

49 -

#triggerwarning apathy & suicidal thoughts

I feel like shit. As soon as you label yourself an “addict” or “alcoholic”, then you can’t fail. Everyone’s looking at you and wants to make sure you’re okay. I’ll never be their version of okay.

I’m not okay. I hate living. Just when I think I’ve found my motivation & the desire to keep on, it fades as quickly as my next breath.

I haven’t offed myself because there are just a few things/people I still care about deeply.

But like? Shit is so hard! I have to remember deadlines and making enough time and keeping in touch with people and meetings and also don’t remember to not waste time and push myself and having a calm head and eating and sleeping and I just can’t right now.

And how the fuck am I going to ever have a baby when I can barely (BARELY) take care of myself for more than 3 days. I don’t know why anyone thinks I’ll be a great mom, I’m too trapped in my selfishness and misery.

I relapsed. And I’m sad and anxious. And numb.

The worst is that I don’t even give a flying fuck, I give up. I want to stay drunk and struggling. It’s so hard.

I don’t know how to be happy.

Whatever.

What’s trash is that my family did this to me and then I did it more to myself and I have to pick up the pieces and heal. It’s no one else’s responsibility but mine. And yet I didn’t ask for this.

I almost no showed to work today and just decided fuck it all. But I didn’t.

I hate everything.

the beautiful thing about life is that you can always change, grow, and better yourself. you aren't defined by your past. you aren't your mistakes.

Jenny Slate, Little Weirds

today, my gratitude is measured by:

i texted a good handful of people in my life a link to the tortilla challenge video saying “let’s do this” and they all replied “yes, absolutely”

may my life always be full of laughs and people who enjoy them.