Depression Recovery - Tumblr Posts

58 -

So I’m still drunk. I can’t let it go. I haven’t been home since 8am yesterday.

But this is me, writing this in a parking lot of a church - waiting for a meeting.

So this is what my best looks like right now. And it’s gonna have to fucking do.

59 -

I went to the meeting. It was good. I was drunk for it but hey I showed up.

I got home safely, finally. We (not me, we) threw out all the hidden alcohol and had a hard conversation.

I called my mom and I told her what happened and I let her “mom” me.

I decided to take a leave of absence from school.

I made it through today. And I can go to sleep. I will not drink tomorrow.

I realize I was not putting my recovery first. I got a little cocky and a little arrogant.

I thought “I’m smarter than other addicts”

Ok like go with me on this thought because I know that no one except an addict will get this but let’s pretend we all do:

It’s one thing to be 18 and get high before work at Old Navy and hahaha it’s your funny little secret. No one knows and work was more fun today. Or to steal alcohol from Walmart and be all wild and silly and “omg I’m like sooOoo drunk”

It’s quite another thing when getting high means cold water extraction opiates. (So you can take more without killing your liver on the Tylenol portion. You know, the normal crack head shit. Duh?)

And what they don’t tell you when you decide to be a rebellious, misunderstood teenager - that that turns into knowing what liquor stores are open at 7am. Being too fucked up to drive so you have to order alcohol delivery. Finding a random pill on the sidewalk & trusting google then taking it. Stealing pills from friends, family - literally anyone. Knowing exactly how to drink in front of others and they have no idea - spiking “normal drinks” / dark water bottles. Driving drunk, like….all the time. Being so fucked up for so long that sobriety almost feels like its own sort of drug lol. Lying, making excuses, ignoring, not eating, not sleeping, developing acne, being unable to walk up stairs without being winded, bad hygiene, isolating, sleeping with whomever just to feel worthy, doing so much blow that the blinds moving gives you a panic attack, actually just like doing blow and licking the god damn bag for that last piece, getting kicked out of places, getting a dui (oh and still driving drunk on a suspended license), knowing the graveyard gas station guy on a first name basis, being on house arrest, having the person you love most tell you that you’re hurting them unintentionally, being unreliable, chaotic etc etc etc

So a year ago I started this online journal because I thought I was gonna do it. I was going to get sober and stay sober. Finally.

Well it didn’t quite play out that way. I only have myself to blame.

Here we fucking go again. Each day a little ….something but idk what that is to be honest.

60 -

I need to end today with something hopeful so here it is:

I think everything I need (to find happiness and fulfillment) may actually be within me….

Because I’m definitely in a low and I scrolled back to look over what I had written before, not sure what I was hoping for but then I found it….hope itself.

If I have been happy and sober before, I can do it again.

If I can believe in myself and the goodness of this life, I can believe again. That part of me doesn’t just disappear.

Honestly? I’m actually a pretty cool person outside of the drinking. I like to be people’s safe space.

Ok pause, sometimes I am actually extremely fun when drinking. Or is this the alcoholism talking *wink*

I just need to surrender and trust that. Trust my greater She. I told her to STFU for a few months - ouch I’m not perfect. Sorry girl, no hard feelings.

I will put my trust back in her.

One day at a time.

Okay. I can do this. Again. I have to.

61 -

I’m just so tired. The urge to escape was strong this morning. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday was so emotionally draining. I feel like a failure right now but deep down I know I’m not.

I wouldn’t have been able to say that before. And that’s how I know things are changing :)

I don’t believe in signs but my ex (everyone has that one ex that just….you know, THE EX of all the exes) contacted me out of nowhere and I can’t stop staring at the message.

He contacts me periodically, a thirsty slide into the DMs. lol

(also me: HAHAHA told ya mf i was amazing ur loss big boi)

I’m obviously not going to touch that, but it gets me thinking about how things always seem to come around at the same time.

Is there a deeper meaning to anything?

Is this a sign - maybe the universe is saying “hey it’s your chance, here’s temptation to fuck it all up and it’s up to you girly!”

I’m only human so I’ll admit it, there will always be a tiny grain of hope. Doesn’t matter how committed or in love I am now.

Because who hasn’t been fucked over or taken for granted, and hoped that one day they’d come back and realize? Like finally getting revenge in a way.

The heart isn’t mutually exclusive.

I feel so vulnerable and all of the thought patterns I’ve worked so hard to overcome, are just lurking in the shadows.

It’s funny how our addict minds are just waiting for the second we start to feel better - regardless of how bad it was last time, it will still try to convince me it’ll be different next time.

It’s fucked up honestly. My own brain? Working against me.

But you know what? This time I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I don’t want to be perfect - I am just too tired to care anymore.

I deleted all of my social media and decided my new life dream is to be a ghost.

Sometimes….it really is just about doing the work. I cried so much in the last 24 hours but it has been cathartic. I forgot that crying is actually a completely normal expression and release of energy.

I’m definitely afraid of my feelings. This is all I know so far.

Hey, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Each day, a little more. I won’t drink today.

62 -

Baby steps. No drink & no desire to drink.

Actually I’ve been craving a salad and yoga haha.

I’m trying to take it easy and slow. No grandiose expectations or promises

The only things I need to do right now are slow down, breathe deep & not drink.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

63 -

I keep getting so keyed up and my heart starts racing then the thoughts start blurring and I think “I need to crawl out of my skin RIGHT NOW”

….and then I stop. Force myself to pause. Take a few breaths.

I sit on the floor of my bathroom as I write this.

I remember that these feelings pass. It’s normal to sit with them, to hold them for a while if needed.

To expect myself to always be on and perfect is unsustainable.

So I can be less than 100% if I need to be, it’s okay. I’m still me - with all of the good.

It’s okay to feel really lost and discombobulated, I’m learning & building a new normal.

Cheers! Another day to conquer without fear.

64 -

I just feel shitty these days. I know I can’t drink. But the temptation to turn it all off is there.

I have a small window of time today and man, I am so tempted to cave and get just one drink. I’m not very good at being “bored”.

I am hot, my thoughts are disjointed, I feel disoriented, I feel antsy.

I made myself drive to a cafe and am sitting and eating lunch hoping to ride out the craving.

But I’ve made it 11 days without the booze! Yay! And tumblr just wished me happy 1 year to my blog.

My blog that I started with the intention of quitting alcohol….lol let this show that addiction isn’t easy people!

But we keep trying.

I’ve decided to surrender. When I start to feel like things are getting crazy in my body and it’s time to numb out - I try to challenge myself with staying within. Being present.

Apparently you can’t blanket surrender and just let life have its way with you. You have to actively surrender every day - how annoying lol

FEEL IT ALL BABY! Relearn how to live. Some people never do.

Reasons why I won’t drink today even though I feel like it would be fine:

• it affects my mood - down mood for the next 3 days, do I really want that?

• anxiety feels like whiplash every 10 minutes

• I will feel like a failure starting over again

• temporary relief that creates a bigger long-term problem

• I cannot control it

• to prove all the haters wrong lol (read: friends that gave up on me, exes that thought I was a mess)

This is my best today and it’s ok! I’m sober :)

65 -

Random thoughts lately:

I used to live my life assuming my mom’s started the day she had me. It was so hard to imagine her as a person, just like myself, with hopes and dreams and failures and a whole other life.

I glad I have the opportunity to know her now.

•

It’s funny how we continue to discover new versions of ourselves. I’m having a hard time letting the old version of me go. I feel like I’m wearing shoes that don’t fit quite right…at least not yet. I’ll have to break them in.

I think it’s so easy to stay stuck in an idea of who we are or who we are meant to be. Who I was at 20 is not who I am today at 30 and I sure hope it will not be who I am at 40. I want life to change me.

I will wear the scars of my life on my body and in my heart to show that I am a warrior.

•

I wish I could feel things less. I wish I didn’t think so much. I wish I didn’t constantly seek the deeper meaning.

When I feel numb, I feel empty.

When I feel sad, I am devastated.

When I feel happy, I am euphoric.

I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.

Maybe I need to go re-read that BPD criteria again.

•

I do not fear my vulnerabilities. I’m not pretending - what you see is who you get. I’ve been told this makes me appear confident……which just makes me laugh.

The only person who gives power to your fears is you.

I am not giving mine any power today.

66 -

We’re back at day 4 of no booze. I caved at the two-week mark. Nothing wild but also as I sipped I realized a few things:

• I stopped after a few sips because it wasn’t the relief I was looking for. Short term feeling - but the long term impending doom sense switched on.

• Immediate gratification is great, obviously. But working at something, sitting with it - it’s not supposed to relieve the feeling per se, but show you how to manage it. How to live life while carrying it. The more we sit with our feelings, the stronger the resilience we build.

• There’s nothing wrong with me if my energy is low or my mood is off

• I will not genuinely be able to understand myself & my feelings/mood cycles if they are constantly warped through the use of substances.

• Everything goes back to the breath

• Not prioritizing my basic needs means that I’ll overcompensate in other areas

• It’s okay if I don’t buy into AA - I think, as with everything, you take what you need and leave what doesn’t resonate. Not everything will. But in my experience, there’s an underlying “pressure” to follow the way they tell you and make it your life. However, I think some of the principles they teach have been eye opening and have really helped me. It feels safe to wear my shame in those rooms.

• Every time I “fail”, I learn something from it. Leaning into failing = more knowledge.

• Sometimes all I need to do is get out of my head and into my body. I should really stretch more

• Remember the bigger picture of your life

That’s all. We keep going.

67 -

Depression is so weird. It’s not that I don’t care - I’d love to want to care. I desperately want to care.

Anything is better than feeling a dullness inside of you. What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway.

I don’t feel sad or angry, I just feel empty. And it is all consuming.

I feel like I’m watching my life slip away. Witness to my own self destruction.

I can’t muster the energy or desire to do anything even though I know I should. I know it’ll make me feel better but I’m not fully convinced enough to actually take action.

My floor is covered in laundry that hasn’t been done in longer than I want to admit on the internet.

I haven’t showered in over a week. My eating and sleeping habits are a joke. I’m slipping.

The worst part about depression is that is snowballs and you don’t. see. it. happening.

Then it’s a few years later and you can barely take care of yourself. The fact that I have so far to go to get back to where I’ll feel okay is daunting; it makes me give up without trying sometimes.

But then I think, I get to set a new standard for where and how I’ll feel okay.

But what if I set the wrong one?

You see I am EXHAUSTED at trying to figure myself out. I just want to get to a point where I can manage the stress of life without relying on a substance. Where I can ignore intrusive thoughts. Where I have the capacity to consistently be a good friend, daughter, wife, worker….

I ran out of my meds a few days ago so I want to blame that for how I feel okay.

But I’m not drinking.

68 -

I drank again. Still drinking. I know it’s bad. I’ll save all of the justifications.

My husband said “I need you to stop drinking”.

And I got angry. Like who the hell is he to tell me HE NEEDS ME to stop drinking? As if I don’t already know that. As if I don’t need ME to stop drinking. As if I didn’t raise myself this whole time and this is how I made it through. As if I don’t already hate myself for this.

I know it’s the addict in me getting defensive but..it’s hard.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

69 -

It’s funny how we wait until we feel good, to do the things that make us feel good.

I have so many cute clothes and ideas and projects and adventures I want to try….when I’m no longer depressed.

So they just sit in the back of the closet and I pass them on occasion and I feel sad that I’m stuck in this apathetic rut.

But that’s the thing right? These things - these bring me joy. If I don’t do them, then I wont have the joy. So obviously I have to take care of myself even when I don’t feel my best because THAT’S when it’s MOST important! It carries you through those times.

I mean duh right?

Anything is easy when you feel up to doing it.

So with that in mind, I’ve been trying to step into my fear. Embrace not doing it perfectly. Embrace saying the wrong thing sometimes. Embrace making people mad, because I will. Embrace messing up. Embrace having the same lesson taught over and over to me.

I feel…not good, but not bad?

This weekend I did laundry, cleaned, went on a little walk, took care of my husband, got some pizza and finished my homework! Go me!

We will keep trying to figure this shit out.

70 -

What a day this has turned into. I found out a coworker that was let go last week may have blabbed about my drinking problem - likely to shift the spotlight.

I understand but I really don’t. I wouldn’t do that to another person.

I don’t want my substance abuse issues to ruin yet another thing in my life. I’m really trying not to let it.

You know? I am doing my best. Sometimes my best means more one day and less on another. Sometimes my best means doing it half assed instead of avoiding it.

I’m not perfect and I am horribly inconsistent in everything I do but I still try. I acknowledge my vulnerabilities and embrace my strengths.

As an addict, there’s a stigma associated with it. Once people know, I fear that’s all they see.

It’s all I’ve seen for a long, long time.

I have come far and I continue to learn.

I know that 99% of the time, people’s actions & behaviors have more to do with themselves than with me. The way they behave is as a result of their thought patterns and beliefs. It’s hard not to take it personally. Especially as an insecure only child - surprise!! It really had nothing to do with me all along.

I feel invalidated. Someone else is using my vulnerability and pain to hide theirs. How twisted huh.

It’s almost like that voice in my head, the one that says “you are a piece of shit, you’ll never amount to anything worthy and you’ll always struggle” - she got a little louder after being quiet for a while. Ugh.

Tomorrow will be a good day, I know it. Day over day it’s hard to see the evolution but I look back to a year ago and ….. definitely not where I want to be BUT I think I might actually like myself now?

If I say love, I’m afraid I’ll jinx it.

So we are making moves and improving and when people try to take us out, we say NOT TODAY SATAN!!!!

Cheers lol

71 -

Sometimes I feel this urge to do something shady, to keep secrets. It’s always when my life is going good. I feel suffocated if I don’t have something for myself. I feel like I need to explode.

I fuck up then I spend all this time trying to repair it and come out stronger - and then I’m like “hmm things are going a little tooo well” and I light my life on fire with gasoline.

I don’t get it. Why?

What motivates people to continue choosing the same choices/decisions even though they KNOW that it’s not the right one?

Even though I know that my choices are keeping me on this little hamster wheel of alcoholism and doom.

Why do we make the same mistakes over and over when we know better? I say I’m not afraid of stepping into my fear, but why am I terrified of choosing different when it comes to substance abuse?

I have a husband who loves me deeply and is so devoted. Sometimes the weight of the love is daunting. I am afraid of myself sometimes. I am afraid of the way I think. I worry that he has me on a pedestal. I am terrified of deeply hurting him or ruining us. I feel suffocated by the pressure of trying to improve. I am not doing it as gracefully as I hoped and I am holding fault with myself for that.

So when I look at myself, I think of all of my mistakes. Of how far I still need to go. Of the lessons learned. Of whether or not I am defined by the choices I make.

But I think that when other people look at me, they don’t see that. I think they may see the good.

I just want to see it too. And I am, slowly.

I had myself convinced that I was manic and suffering from grandiose delusions because I stopped people pleasing and started agreeing with people when they complimented me and speaking my mind and thinking that “I actually am a really great person”…..LOL

No, I’m just developing a strong sense of self worth. I’m doing things from a genuine place and not just so I can feel like I’m earning people’s approval/liking of me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m totally delusional and I’m actually a giant asshole who totally self-absorbed and unaware of reality.

Welp. Hopefully not! Just gonna keep trusting my intuition and hoping for the best hehe

72 -

Random brain dump:

I am not great at school. Mostly because I struggle with consistency. In like…every aspect of my life. I’m smart, I test quickly & well. But I have a hard time staying focused, I get distracted & my sense of time is so warped. I think I walk around half disassociated all the time.

Also like…school is such a TASK *yawn*

So yes, I have ADHD.

I have been on a stimulant medication now for a few months At first, it turned the 10 channels in my head down to 2. The noise got quiet. It was amazing.

Now I think I’ve adjusted. I’m struggling again. I feel like I’m going crazy and have dementia at 30.

•

I really wanted to impress my final teacher. And well, I don’t think I did. She’s tough.

Today though, she told me that I’ve really pulled it together the last few weeks with my focus and being present. She knows I care and is proud of me.

This is going to sound terrible but because I already feel insecure about her “liking” me, I don’t feel like this was genuine. I am having trouble accepting it.

^ there’s my bitchy little twit (BLT) of a trauma voice trying to convince me I suck.

•

The pendulum swings between extremes before it reaches equilibrium. I’ve swung from a severe people pleaser to speaking my mind completely, anyone be damned.

Erm….it’s made a couple of things awkward. So like let’s hurry up and find my new comfort level with this.

I realized lately that while I may be all like “let me look deep into myself and come to terms with/embrace all of my shame and wear it proudly because that takes away its power to control me blah blah”- not everyone is there yet.

Whether they want to get there or not, how they get there, etc….none of my business.

I try really hard to stay in my own lane and worry about myself mostly. But it’s hard because I still feel the claws of my BLT trying to pull me back into the land of insecure misery lol

Sometimes I pretend I’m actually just an actor in a lifelong biopic and actually, it does help. Because then I realize how ludicrous almost everything is.

•

My moral alignment is chaotic neutral and I feel like it really defines me and I’m not ashamed of it.

Having a solid sense of understanding and identity is my #1 priority right now.

Idk ya’ll. I think I may like myself. Uh oh…shit. I might get all healed and take over the world!!!!! Watch out

•

A friend told me recently how he could see how I could be extremely easy to love but incredibly hard to deal with.

I was dying to ask for him to explain exactly what they meant and how/why he thinks this. Hi, I’m insecure.

But I held my tongue. Unsure as to why. Sense of pride or protection? I find myself holding in my thoughts much more frequently these days.

I guess subconsciously, I am more selective now about who I share myself with.

People are exhausting and honestly? I have worked/am working really hard to improve myself.

I will no longer give away pieces of myself with no regard or care.

Not sure what to make of it. I mean, he’s probably right. I can be a lot. Sometimes I swear I disassociate and I watch a version of me running full speed until my batteries run out

And all the while I’m banging on the glass like “Stop!!!!!!”

My brain hurts often.

•

I will try to stay positive and breathe through the tough moments.

Made it through Day 1. Again.

73 -

I am afraid I will never kick my issues. Right when I think I’ve got a grip, I slip. Again, and again, and again.

I’m so sick of this.

How many more mistakes do I need to make? What is it going to take for me to stop?

I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Ugh.

74 -

Woke up not feeling great. The anxiety monster is looming. My heart is racing. I’m panicked I’ve forgotten something.

Normally I’d give up on today, go back to bed, and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Instead I’m challenging myself to push through this. I am challenging myself to sit with this feeling and carry it with me but still do the things I need to do.

Like a real, functional human being :)

Right? It’s moments like these that build resilience.

All I need to do is go to school and then I can come home and snuggle up.

Okay self? That’s a deal.

75 -

Day 1 again. Hi Day 1. We’ve become very good friends lately

I will not drink today. But I will take a shower and go on a walk and meet with my therapist.

I feel so all over the place.

76 -

The anxiety built up. I kept sitting there in a daze, unable to concentrate & subconsciously holding in my breath (as if to block out pain).

Then I gasp and come to. Idk a weird fugue state.

I’m such a talker and yet when it comes to describing what I feel or why….I often find myself speechless. Riddle me that lol.

So I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. Had to force the tears at first but then it was like a dam breaking loose.

Then my husband held me and soothed me and he really is the best.

Ok see, I just have to remember that I am loved and seen and cherished - so it’s not the end of the world!

It felt so cathartic to cry. To really sob. And poof, it feels a little less scary now. You know, life.

One day at a time. Each day a little better and brighter.

77 -

Today, I am grateful. I had plans with some new friends and I’ll be honest - I get nervous.

Especially doing it sober? I’ve always counted on alcohol or something to reduce the insecurity. To relax my social barometer.

These days, I usually hide out on the weekends trying to muster myself up to survive the week.

Kind of sad to live life this way but I’ve got a lot going on so this is how it is right now.

So I hung out with these two friends and made myself not drink. And it was not bad. I was nervous and felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin, but I did it.

And what was really special, is I was able to vocalize this feeling ^ and share it safely without fear.

I feel like a baby deer learning how to walk, all awkward and gangly - but kind of cute, right?

Baby steps.