Depression Recovery - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

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I feel stuck, between who I used to be and who I want to be.

It’s funny, I thought that I was better than the substance - I didn’t think I would get addicted in complete honesty. I thought I had full control.

I did. At first.. But somewhere along the ride, it was easier to jump in the passenger seat and let things unfold.

I feel very alone in my struggle. In the sense that it’s like I’m slowly waking up to my life as it has become in the last few years of full blown mindless addiction.

Addiction is lonely, but it’ll trick you into thinking you have all the friends in the world.

People don’t wait around for you to fix all your problems and finally start realizing your potential. They’ve got lives to live and shit to do!

The ones that do wait around, hold them so so close.

I’ve got a few irrational and unhelpful ruminating thoughts in my head. I’m actually trying to tell them “no”. It feels stupid, but in my head I literally have to go “This is not productive. I need more evidence for this thought. I will just worry about tangible problems in front of me and not be anxious until I need to be”

You know how lame I feel doing that? I just want to roll my eyes at myself. *rolls eyes*

But it’s also working. LIKE I AM DOING IT PEOPLE, I am rewiring the brain!! You’re seeing it live! Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show because I am about to evolve into someone really fucking great!!!

Feeling like I’m failing at everything or that I’m delusional or that I am going about this (life) all wrong. Worried constantly about what others think about me. Trying to be ~zen~ and trust in what I am doing.

Holding space for these feelings and carrying them with me while still living my life. Embracing that I won’t feel this way forever and that it’s normal to go through periods of doubt & insecurity.

What a concept!!!

Friendly reminder to myself - if you are spending all this time worrying about your life & yourself, imagine that everyone is probably doing the same about their lives and selves. They don’t have time to be thinking about that cringe comment I made!

An affirmation for me lately: I welcome however my life unfolds because I trust in my ability to be resilient, kind, and persevere.

Not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay too!!!! I am not less than!

Here’s a thought.. Maybe they’re the asshole?

Blah blah BLAH BLAH.

Each day is a new day. Some days are better and brighter. Some days, not so much. But each day is just one little piece of it all. And I want to live these days. At least for a little longer.

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I can feel myself shifting internally while the world is simultaneously trying to stop it.

—

I can feel myself:

• growing less attached to the opinions of others

• growing in confidence (maybe some borderline arrogance but it’s new and I’m gleeful)

• more & more able to talk myself out of ruminating

• “testing” my intrusive thoughts for evidence - turns out they’re wrong a lot!

• feeling optimistic about the future - setting goals, making plans

• less *needing* to escape; instead, making a conscious choice to if so

• follow up ^ wanting to escape less often

• more comfortable letting things/people/situations go (not needing to control)

• embracing the freedom in realizing that I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• acknowledging the other side of the coin - the painful loneliness of realizing I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• defining my reality on my own terms

• feeling happy & confident, yet feeling like I’m doing something wrong

• tested by old thought patterns and behaviors

• trying to make a home for the scared little girl/old me while shifting into a newer mature new me

• heightened awareness of others’ need to be accepted, probably because I find myself growing less so - like a living juxtaposition

• acknowledging my weaknesses while, starting to accept my whole self in her entirety

• questioning myself often, worrying if I am turning into a selfish asshole

• feeling a loss of identity - Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? ….How do I decide?

• feeling like there isn’t enough time anymore

• being a human

••• holding all of these feelings separately, together •••

not. quitting.

maybe, stumbling

but then. getting. up. again.

—

Oh, I was tested today on my no drinking and I prevailed. YAY me. It’s the little wins. Few and far between but they add up over time - experience > confidence > resilience

Addiction is all simple math really.

Drinks, dollars, grams, ounces, pills, dosage, days, hours - constantly counting; constantly surviving, dependent on a roulette of endless numbers.

And recovery? Getting sober is saying “fuck your math, I’m bored, let’s do some science”

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Feels like I’m losing my mind every other day.

Questioning my sense of reality more often than I ever have. Am I crazy?

I’m exhausted.