Depression Recovery - Tumblr Posts - Page 3

a friend sent this to me. sharing it in case it helps anyone else ❤️

having a lot of no energy/low energy days lately. such is life.

i’m trying to listen to what my body and spirit are telling me, rather than shaming them for not feeling the way i “should” feel. or trying to tamp down the feelings.

it’s a hard practice. but helping me be more intentional with my choices & my time.

each day, a little better and brighter.

26 -

I’ve been doing okay. I’m content. Life isn’t chaotic and my days aren’t riddled with anxiety as much anymore. The meds are working!!! Yay.

I can taste, like really taste the texture & the flavor of my food. I find a joy in cooking nourishing meals. I’m grateful to have access to these.

I can smell, this is good and bad (lol). Right now, the air is bursting with a light floral scent, I think it’s rose? From my candle.

I can feel. I’ve felt irritation, I’ve felt contentment, I’ve felt anxious, I’ve felt like I’m moving too fast, I’ve felt shame, I’ve felt embarrassment, Ive felt angry, I’ve felt shock, I’ve felt doubt, I’ve felt nervousness - I’ve FELT EMOTIONS! And funnily enough, they aren’t as scary anymore. They are just signals.

I can see. Sometimes I’m still stuck in my head and so disconnected from what’s around me but I can bring myself back to present. I can ground. I can take in a beautiful sunset and let it warm me to the core.

Sleep is well….it’s still elusive. Tossing and turning and anxious dreams. Waking up startled. Oh what I would give for 8 hours and to feel rested.

I’ve been struggling to write. The words just ping pong around in my brain and I can’t hold on long enough to get them down.

It’s getting easier to think through my responses instead of reacting (yes hello I am enlightened!!!!). I feel grounded these days.

I am unapologetically me. Lately I’ve found a renewed sense of purpose - I’m thinking of the bigger picture of my life.

I’m building my dream life, one that feels good, and I believe, no I know, that it will come true for me.

This peace and self-certainty is everything to me. Maybe it’s selfish. Eh

I recently shared in a meeting that I can’t remember why I ever drank or used in the first place. Perhaps my pain and shame were so great - I didn’t know how to work through them. I didn’t know how to hold them and live. I thought they were a part of me I had to “fix” to be worth anything. I let them define me. For so long. I feel sorry for that little girl. She was confused and chasing all the wrong things - things that maybe looked “good” on the outside, but were full of emptiness on the inside. I wish I could tell her that it gets better, I promise.

I told my mom recently about a decision that I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I was sooo nervous to tell her, like I wrestled with it for days. Didn’t want her to think I was stupid or foolish or impulsive. (lol hi mommy issues)

And then I just had to do it. Did it without apology or justifying - just a confident “this is what I am doing, it’s my life, and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me as a result”. Holy fuck, it was so empowering. And my mom took it. Sure she had her little mom things to say and her sniffs and tone….but I let it roll off me. Fuck it!! Man it was so good. Like drugs ;)

I forgive myself. For all of it. I know I was doing the best I could, with what I knew. It doesn’t make me a bad person — it makes me a human being.

I wasn’t always the best me (and still not 100% of the time) but I didn’t give up. I held on to a sliver of hope and kept trying to be better.

I’m happy with myself today.

There is a greater She within me (the spirit) and I am trusting in Her plan for me.

27 -

Life creeps up on you - I’ve slipped back into it and have gotten a little disconnected from my greater She.

Too much worrying about the future & unknowns, caught up in trying to control it. True, there have been a ton of changes in the past few weeks and there are more still to come (hello big cross state move in two weeks!!).

I feel a little numb. Also I’m on welly b and let me tell you that the increase in anxiety is so REAL. I feel on edge and a sense of foreboding. I haven’t slept for more than 4-5 hours a night in weeks. And those hours are spent tossing and turning. I keep waking up in panic mode, having nightmares. But we just adjusted the dosage so hopefully things improve. They have to.

With that being said, I recently hit 60 days of sobriety. I barely even acknowledged it because we were busy flying back and had gotten some really awful news that day. In fact, I’ve felt more of a craving to drink. But I don’t want to start the clock over and that keeps me going.

I feel stressed. And I don’t know how to let it go. It’s just sitting in my chest, heavy and tight.

The hospital slammed me with a $35k bill for 3 days because that’s our healthcare system. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m going to manage that seeing as I’m unemployed and living off of savings. But I’m allowing the fear and stress to enter me and sitting with it. What will it show me?

Part of me feels like I’m going to implode. Like I’m teetering at the edge of a cliff.

I tend to focus on the negative - negativity bias, I think it’s called. I’m always searching for something to fix within myself, my life. And I’ve stopped prioritizing my mental wellness.

Once I get something down, I move on quickly to the next thing. Before I know it, I’m eating skittles for breakfast / not drinking water / feeling tightness in my chest / ignoring meals / pulling out my hair / unable to sleep all over again. I need to give these things time to form habits that will actually stick.

Blame ADHD and the dopamine rush lol

So a gentle reminder for me to pause, slow down, focus on the good because I have so much to be thankful for.

Gratitude list:

My rock, my life partner, my best friend - my husband. Our love is full of understanding, compassion, trust, laughter, kindness, honesty & affection. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Life dreams. We are moving to the PNW in two weeks! It’s really happening. I’ve dreamed of living there (maybe romanticized it a little lol and no, not because of twilight *rolls eyes*) my whole life and now I am doing it!

My body. It’s not as skinny as it was but that is a good thing. I have been waging war against it - filling it with poison, not supplying its essential needs, neglecting it. But it stays true to me and has not let me down health wise even through addiction. I have more energy these days and my thinking isn’t so cloudy.

Therapy. Having access to therapy & finding a good therapist is a privilege.

My mom. We don’t agree and she drives me nuts. But truly, she wants me to be happy and although overbearing at times, she protects me and anchors me.

Friends - I have some really good people in my life. I must not be so terrible as I think I am in my head if so many people love me LOL. But I have friends who have shown me grace and understanding as I try to navigate who I am now.

Recovery. I’ve been sober and am committed to staying sober. What a beautiful blessing and something I used to think was totally impossible.

Good food. Been cooking my own meals with loads of veggies and fruit - let me tell you that quality makes a difference. I firmly believe in a holistic approach to healing, not just taking a pill and calling it good.

Haven’t felt much of a desire to journal. Have spent way too much time trolling social media and it’s slowly having an impact. Pulling me back into the black, the space of self-loathing and hopelessness.

So I am making some changes. Going back to the basics. To be continued I suppose.

28 -

Well, I feel like shit. Or rather, I feel really apathetic and hopeless and frustrated.

My close friend (my maid of honor) told me she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding or attend it. She’s ghosted me since the “ rock bottom weekend that I can’t talk about”. I’ve tried to open up the door for conversation so she can share with me how she felt and she can be heard, but she hasn’t let it budge an inch. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised - not everyone is entitled to forgive. People can say “that’s your shit, I see it & am proud of you for owning it but I want no part”. I have to respect others where they are at.

I guess I hate that she feels badly (or whatever she feels because truly she hasn’t told me) and that I had a hand in it. Frustrated that I can’t fix it. Guilt that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough in our relationship to have a conversation about it. Hurt that she doesn’t think having a conversation is worth it. I hate that she cared about me - that she put time, effort, and money into planning a weekend for me - and me/the situation made her regret it.

And also I feel irritated and angry that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I like to think I’m a pretty understanding person. What the fuck? Why are people so quick to write someone off and not even let them know the why.

Sounding like a true woe-is-me addict here when I say that but hey, this is my safe space for honesty.

So trying to process that. While still trying to remember to eat, drink water, sleep, not isolate. The LAST fucking thing I want to do right now is go to a meeting. But I’m going and I told a few people so they’d hold my ass accountable.

I’m struggling to remember the basics lately and it’s making me feel pessimistic.

Also, I fell asleep on my arm in a weird position and now it hurts.

I feel tempted to erase any record of me and just start over. But then I feel a sense of “but what if it turns out that no one actually cares?”.

Everyone is about as wrapped up in their head as I am. No one does care. It’s a good thing actually, takes away the spotlight effect. But it’s a bad thing, because it feels like I don’t matter. And if I don’t matter, then what’s the fucking point?

Some positivity in an effort to convince the rude voice in my head that the world isn’t ending, people don’t always leave, I’m a good person even if I don’t get it right every time, that there is a greater point and purpose to it all, that I will find self-assurance and happiness:

Still sober! Day 64.

I did opposite action today from DBT. Instead of isolating and avoiding, I shared my feelings. Now I’m going to this meeting I don’t want to go to.

I checked in with my body: took a shower, drank some water, ate some food (read: NOT candy lol)

My mom said she sees me as my own person now and respects that I make my own choices. That she’s proud of me.

Even though I have one friend who isn’t a fan of me, I have at least 5 other ones who are rooting for me.

My dog loves me and still follows me around even though I got really mad at her and made her feel bad.

I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have enough clothes that I can choose my outfit for the day. I have socks.

Ok so vanity - my acne is pretty much gone & my skin looks great!! The pigmentation is fading.

I’m employable.

We got a beautiful apartment with floor to ceiling windows. I’m moving to a city I have always dreamed of moving to.

I get the opportunity to start over.

I’ve gained some weight and my body isn’t a skeleton any more. I don’t get vertigo every time I stand up.

I can talk myself through a craving until it passes.

I am self-aware. I am kind. I am trying to be a better person every single day. It could be worse right?

Well. That’s where I’m at. Hopefully it gets better.

Each day a little better and brighter except I really don’t feel that shit today and I’m just saying it because I have some hope it’ll work.

30 -

Reflections on 60, sixty freaking days, of sobriety:

Remember what I’m in control of. Usually, it’s just myself and how I show up. Who do I want to be?

Moving forward, even if slowly, is still moving forward.

It’s one thing to say “sorry”. It’s another thing to actually take action to change.

We teach people how to love us and treat us by what we are willing to tolerate.

I really need to pause and not respond immediately lol.

I have to stop expecting myself in other people and meet them where they are at.

There is a bigger picture I can’t see. If I remember to trust in that and that my greater She is guiding me to that - then I will always find the good.

The type of food I eat matters!!! Sour skittles will not save me!!!!

It’s also about balance so I’ll eat the damn skittles if I want to.

The world keeps trying to tell me who I am but I know who I am, if I take the time to listen.

Attitude of gratitude.

When it seems like I’ve gotten to a point where everything is going absolutely wrong - then my life is about to make space for everything to go right.

When one door closes, a window opens.

Usually the opposite of what I want to do (in moments of negative feelings) is what’s best for me.

Drinking and drugs will not make me feel better.

Trying to escape only means that shit will compound and hit me later, all at once.

I am not too much or not enough for the people that are meant for me.

No regrets, just lessons learned. Everything (I mean EVERYTHING) is a lesson.

Not every friendship lasts a lifetime.

I don’t believe in ghosting and that is okay.

It’s never too late to start over.

TAKE TIME TO REST!!!!!

My thoughts are not my life.

Each day, a little better and brighter. Can’t wait for 90 :)

31 -

Something I’ve been thinking about lately: we really aren’t in control of anything. Life is going to happen, people are going to people. I think having a false sense of control, a false sense of ego - this is our ultimate hubris.

Why do we care so much about the opinions of others? They never have the full story.

I recognize I speak from a place of privilege and not everyone has the same opportunities or freedom to choose.

If you think about it, we are all so wrapped up in our own heads. No one, NO ONE, is thinking about me as much or in the same way I think about myself. It’s a double-edged sword: we don’t really matter to anyone else as much as we matter to ourselves. It’s a lonely thought. At the same time, it’s so freeing. Those humiliating moments, those mistakes & regret we hang onto and let color everything we think about ourselves moving forward - people aren’t thinking about them the way we do. In fact, I’d venture to say that most of the time, they may not even remember.

Example: I went to a meeting with my good friend while I was visiting my mom. He’s in recovery and he brought up this time that he was being irresponsible & drove over my foot with his car and I was so angry at him. I can’t even recall that happening. Same thing - I brought up this time that he was telling me how broken he felt and I condescendingly told him “well if you know there’s a problem, then go fix it - maybe you just don’t care enough to”. Lol not my most empathetic moment. He barely remembers that conversation.

Everyone is living their own reality. I’m coming to realize truth and fact are not the same - truth is actually incredibly subjective. It’s dependent on the individual and their perception/their beliefs can skew it. It’s like when two people look at the same picture and feel something different. Or when two people are asked to recreate a work of art and their creations are different from each other, in addition to being different from the original. Similar, but not exactly the same.

Wealth, status, power - these are all social constructs. These are ideas. Who came up with them? Certainly not a higher being, but another human before our time. I won’t delve into this too much, but none of it really matters in the long run. That fancy car, being a CEO, being with someone “out of your league” - it won’t give you the validation you seek. It won’t add or take away from who you are, what your intrinsic values are.

So what to do with all of this? Still trying to figure it out but I think it boils down to - do whatever the fuck you want. No one cares, no one’s looking at you (if they are, they’re looking at themselves in you - projecting). This is life, we all get one shot, so don’t be afraid. Acknowledge your past but don’t let it consume you. Every day is a new day, a new opportunity, to: do what you love, say what you feel, start again, change the future.

I’m sitting on a plane to go back home & I’ve had a bit of caffeine lol.

35 -

Where I’m at currently:

Packing, packing, packing, more packing. We leave on Monday!!

Barely eating - surviving off of candy. Forgetting to drink water but remembering to drink sprite. See above as to why.

In desperate need of a shower but remembered to wear deodorant. Hair is a mess but I figure, getting my hair done tomorrow and she washes it for me right?

Feeling a little overwhelmed with all the clutter in my apartment.

Repaired a scuff on my docs to where they look brand new & sold them for a solid amount.

Sweaty and grimy, the bottom of my feet are a little black. Probably because we need to clean our floors lol.

Ruthlessly selling our furniture on FB marketplace and releasing some pent up pettiness at the same time.

Feeling a little bit lost and out of sight of the point.

Trying not to freak out. And I’m doing so, my chest feels tight because holding it all in.

So ready for this next chapter - a fresh start - but unable to fully let go of the past….yet.

Ehhhh not being a great dog parent right now because - see point 1.

STILL SOBER!!! And that’s all I can really ask for right?

Forgetting that my greater She has a plan for me and trusting in that. Then remembering, only to forget again. Then being reminded once more.

Each day a little better & brighter :)

(Ignoring the fact that we’re moving somewhere where it’s cloudy 300 days of the year lol)

36 -

Dunno if I believe in “setting intentions”, seems really woo woo hokey to me but I’m going to try it. Because this new me is all open-minded and not thinking she knows best and shit.

When I originally moved away from my hometown, I desperately wanted a better life. I wanted to feel secure & whole.

But I wasn’t ready. You can’t run away from your problems & you can’t leave your pain back home.

If anything, leaving made me come face to face with the fact that I was on a path of self-destruction. That I was one version on the inside and another version which I presented to the world; living a double life.

And you know what I did to deal with the stress of that? Use more, drink more, escape more - and wonder why it wasn’t getting better. Why I wasn’t better. Why I was never enough.

It wasn’t sustainable. Slowly the facade began to crack. It always does. And I was holding her together with dollar store tape honestly.

Either I can let the flood swallow me until I drown….or I can fight to get my head above water and learn to fucking swim.

I’m grateful for the last few years because even in the face of adversity, of feeling lonely as hell — I jumped in head first to what I knew was right. Looking back, my greater She was guiding me all along :)

It just took me another few years and fucking up my life a bit more before I began to listen to her.

Today I feel grateful and excited for the future. There’s an exhilaration that comes with a fresh start. I’m giddy!!!

For this new

I have found glimmers of peace within & will always prioritize that. If something or someone disrupts that, then that is not meant for me.

I accept that I will not always have the answers. The beautiful thing about faith if that it keeps the spark of hope alive, even when things seem hopeless.

I release myself from the shame of addiction and the things I’ve done in the past. I was doing the best I could and I survived.

I live with integrity & self-respect, people pleasing is soooo 2005.

I will not change or reduce myself to fit the lens of others. The people who are meant for me will be for me, as I am.

Whatever happens, will happen. I relinquish control and trust that I am on the right path.

I refuse to see failure as a mistake or a regret, but a redirection to my true self.

I am unapologetically: high energy, empathetic, verbose, kind to a fault, goofy & eccentric.

I am more than how I look, my thoughts, or other people’s opinions of me.

I let go of any previous perceptions or self-limiting beliefs. My pain does not define me, it is simply one part of me. I am a blank white page, ready to write the next chapter.

I forgive myself for all of it.

I humbly acknowledge that I’m one tiny piece of the universe. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, as I am in mine. It’s not about me.

I continue to better myself every day.

I stay open-minded, approaching situations & people (including myself) without judgement and with the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t run away from my feelings but try to understand them. Feelings are just feelings, they are not always truth.

I am me. This is enough.

Instagram @ blcksmth

41 -

Made myself go to a hot yoga class & it was HOT. I think I died and was reborn in that class lol. I used to do hot yoga consistently but have fallen out of it over the last 2 years (read: alcoholism, depression, drug addiction).

I’m all for finding what works for you and hot yoga is my thing. There’s something about dripping in sweat & heart pounding…but focused on the breath. The breath really is everything. I find a surreal peace in my mind. I can tune out my mind and the world and just stay focused on my breath. The here and now. It’s so much easier to focus on my breath when I’m on the brink of death (lol) in a class than it is in real life. Yoga has taught me so much about body awareness and how much of an impact our breathing has on our nervous systems.

I read this quote: the true measure of success is a calm nervous system. SO TRUE. As a self proclaimed ADHD poster child who “lives life on overdrive” (again, my therapist) — all I ever want is to feel calm.

Honestly, most of the time you could describe me as a wind up toy that just goes and goes and goes and goes, the song gets distorted and it starts to move all wonky, and then it crashes.

Anyway the class was what I needed. A sign. I needed to return to myself a little bit.

Started my day off with a super nutritious breakfast. I always feel like if my breakfast is solid then it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Like if I’m eating candy for breakfast, then I know my ass is going to be a lazy blob or a hot mess for the day lol

I also made myself get ready today, go on a long walk with my dog (she was the goodest girl) AND even sat down to look for jobs instead of putting it off like I have for months….go me!

Procrastination? We don’t know her!!!

My therapist suggested I write a response to a situation that has been weighing on my mental space for months. I did it & it felt very cathartic. Like the last piece of the puzzle so I can let. that. shit. go. Someone give my therapist a raise!! Jk don’t because I’m broke and can barely afford her.

(side bar: very very very thankful and privileged to not have to work during these early months of sobriety)

Going to bed with a serene feeling in my heart & my body. All I can ask for.

43 -

I think I’ll try to come out of this relapse now.

44 -

I started smoking weed because I couldn’t handle my alcohol (read: it made me into an asshole, among ruining my life & other things). And I didn’t have access to other things.

I stopped hanging out with friends because I was embarrassed of my using. Because I like to go go go until I’m basically comatose. Because for me, using & drinking - it’s not about the fun anymore. It’s about getting my mind to shut up, it’s about feeling calm in my chest. As my therapist says “you live life on overdrive, huh?” haha. Blame the ADHD and traumatic childhood.

It’s really depressing to read that and realize I’m talking about myself.

I guess I’ve always been like that. Whether it’s opiates, amphetamines, cocaine, ecstasy, alcohol, weed, anything really… whatever and how much ever it takes to get me out of my head.

It’s always when I go too hard, when I dance the fine line between life and death, that I realize I want to live. So I live. But I don’t know why.

Anyway, some life updates:

I have not drank. Nope. Not a single sip. Can’t BELIEVE IT!!! 128 days. The real test is next week when I’m in Mexico for two weeks for my wedding.

We’re cutting off the weed. I’m trying to. It’s so so so hard. For what it’s worth, I have enjoyed my mindful evening walks with a joint in my hand.

I’ve been trying to remind myself why life is worth living. The sweetness and consistency in every day.

I got a job!! It’s part time & low stress.

Most of my depression circles around “what’s the point?” and “everything people want is just societal conditioning and I dislike people” …really light stuff.

It’s not that I dislike people if I’m being honest, it’s that I’m a really sensitive person, I don’t care that much about people’s actions, and I often take people literally. Sarcasm? We don’t know her very well LOL. Also I need a lot of alone time, like A LOT. People don’t always get that.

I’ve left shame, guilt, over apologizing, feeling insecure & caring what people think back in 2023.

So I fucked up and became a lil pothead again. It could have been worse. I think that it had to happen this way.

People make mistakes!!! No one is perfect!!! Let’s forgive others and ourselves!!! We’re doing the best we can!! It’s our first time being human!!!

SHE is trying to show me something.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. More to come.

45 -

Warning: I got a lot to say (as usual).

I got married!! Again. Hehe, finally had our weekend we booked two years ago. It was absolutely stunning. But it was a lot. Can we normalize not wanting a big wedding or even a wedding at all? Can we normalize wedding anxiety? Can we normalize dreading big events?

Can everyone just understand that I had a difficult childhood so big intense emotions are terrifying for me and I usually use alcohol/drugs to tamp it down so I can still experience them, albeit distantly. Not excusing, just explaining.

Also - hello this shit is expensive! And we had a frugal wedding.

In the sense that, as a bride, I feel like I should be all sparkles in my eyes and over the moon and dancing on a rainbow - but really, it was my nightmare. My ADHD was in overdrive & the whole weekend felt like a blackout. Reading personal intimate vows in front of people? No thank you lol. Having all eyes on me? I’ll pass. Feeling immense pressure to have ONE perfect day? I’d rather crack.

But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. And I did all the super emotionally intense parts, sober as a priest. Yay!

Some positives: I’m so lucky to have people who will travel just to celebrate with me. My mom made a speech…it was poetic & very sweet. She described me as “radiant, effervescent, and vivacious”. Like?????? :) I love a good vocabulary.

Umm my stepdad made a speech and he was a freaking VIBE. We haven’t always gotten along but he loves my mom fiercely & is so supportive of her. So I can’t really fault the guy, even if sometimes I’m just like *points to head* “wtf is going on up there?”. I also got some quality time with my extended family, whom I rarely see. They flew over two oceans and two continents just to be with me for this day! Like how amazing is that. :)

The whole night looked like something out of a fairytale with a bohemian theme and fairy lights. Turqoiuse waters & perfect white sand. It was dreamy and picturesque and beautiful.

On top of that, I have friends in all places - I’m not really a one group friend. So it’s a little unnerving to have everyone come together (Will they get along? Will there be drama? Will it be awkward? Will I be so focused on everyone else’s experience that I forget to enjoy my own? LOL but really)

But it was so so much better than I could have ever imagined. We all had a blast!

Speaking OF sobriety, yeah we broke that shit. I had my first alcoholic drink in almost 5 months. Now, those of the I bleed AA variety would freak out because yes, I relapsed. And omg haven’t I read the big book that says I can never ever ever have a drink again? What will Bill think? /s

But hear me out: I discussed my choice to drink with my therapist prior to actually doing it. I had a support system and a harm reduction plan in place. And, I’ve been doing a LOT of work in the last few months to identify, forgive, heal myself & limiting beliefs/negative thought patterns. Ya know, the ones that I used alcohol and drugs to cope with. I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be but I’m a hell of a lot farther away from who I used to be.

As my therapist put it: “It seems like this is a symbolic decision for you. Kind of like a “fuck you I am in charge of my life & I can make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. She’s not wrong.

BUT BUT BUT here’s the best part! Yes I drank, however all it did was remind me of how shitty alcohol actually feels. I don’t miss the hangovers one bit. I enjoy feeling semi-stable in my emotional sense. I like feeling clear headed. Also drinking a lot makes you bloated and more susceptible to gaining extra weight. We want to be snatched always!!!!

I am going back to my life with no intention or desire to drink. No desperate wanting to escape. How freaking wild. Now what works for me may not work for anyone else - but again, sobriety & recovery are so unique to everyone. Everyone’s story starts from the same feelings, but recovery is not a one size fits all.

With all of that being said - I feel super good these days. Not in like a manic & overstimulated way, but a sort of quiet peace that comes with feeling like I am really loving myself for all that I have been, all that I am, and all that I will be.

I want to live my life & the idea of all the things I can do is exciting now. I no longer feel (constantly) like I’m drudging through the monotony of life. I know bad days will come. So will good days. Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that take me further from my past and closer to the light of my future.

I came to the realization that who fucking cares? The world and the people in my life (though with the best of intentions) will tell me who they think I should be. Will tell me how to fit the mold. But I don’t care about fitting the mold anymore. I don’t want to apologize for having needs and existing. I have people who love all the little bits of me and have always loved them, despite my inner critic telling me I have to earn it.

I decide who I am.

I mean, there’s tons of awful fucking people in the world, who are still loved by someone. Like even Hitler had his main squeeze til the final breath. If that’s any consolation lol.

And just from a nerdy math perspective… statistically speaking, there are 8B+ people in the world. If 10 don’t like me or don’t get me, theres 10 more that do!

I trust my inner She to guide me to where I want to be and to attract the people that I need. These days I have faith.

Each day a little better and brighter.

48 -

I’m really proud of myself lately.

have not called in sick to work because of depression - haven’t needed to! It is SO nice to have a job that doesn’t make me die inside a little every day and fill me with dread.

gotten up every morning and taken my dog out

been trying some “biohacking” for my energy levels - Vitamin D, B12, waiting before screen time in the AM, light exposure & cold exposure. Maybe some of it is total bologna but hey, at least I’m problem solving

on that note, feeling motivated to try new things and take care of myself

was sick but I made myself rest & didn’t beat myself up about a “lack of productivity”

haven’t been bingeing on sugar (except last night because it was vday, sue me)

have been drinking water

have NOT been drinking alcohol! yay me, day 11 round 2.

have been going to bed consistently at 10pm

have been able to talk myself out of negative ruminating thoughts

I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds and I have significantly less anxiety. Though I am back to my wee little space cadet ways. But I’ll take the absentmindedness over the constantly worrying or tightness in my chest.

However, still taking my ssri & it really does make a world of difference for me

I have health insurance! And a consistent paycheck!!!

have caught up & made things right with a good friend

am applying to esthetician school!!

can i just say my skin has been GIVING lately. I am feelin’ myself.

it’s not that serious, seriously

also not shopping impulsively - like actually being frugal….me? Ok but yesterday I did find a cute top at aritzia on MEGA sale. Rules are bendy, don’t tell my husand

eating my veggies like the good little rabbit I am

have been getting ready every day

can actually visualize my future/long term goals (well a year out)

actually using my planner again

excited to hit some goals??? WHO AM I

content with who I am & trusting in how I show up

slooowwwly, but surely - releasing expectation of perfection from myself.

slooowwwly, but surely - accepting, forgiving and embracing every part of me

love my human & my dog & my people

2024 is my year or at least I’m determined to make it so because I am tired of being sad and disappointed and depressed and unconfident scared and melancholy and apathetic.

I want a life that brings me joy so this is the year I finally achieve that.

I believe I can! Each day, a little better & brighter :)

50 -

And so we begin again. Day 1.

I don’t have much to say except I’m trying. When I don’t want to, when I don’t have faith - I’m still trying. Sometimes it takes me a little bit before I get back to that mindset.

But I give myself grace because each time I pick myself back up after falling down, I get a little farther before I stumble again. And maybe one day, I won’t stumble at all.

Back to the basics this week.

52 -

The past two months have felt like a blur, stuck in a vicious cycle of relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery, and so on.

It’s been really fucking tough. I’ve felt like a zombie. Sometimes it feels like this is all life is, a weary merry-go-round until we die.

But after falling down 800 times and still getting back up on that 801st try - I’m in a much better place.

And I’m not beating myself up about it. Shit happens, we fall down. Sometimes we fall down and stay down because we’re so fucking tired of having to get back up.

I watched a looootttt of movies with happy endings as a kid. I did a lot of things alone and I never really noticed how much that influenced my way of thinking and my approach to life. I guess that’s where I started to believe that I had to live two lives. Because who I really am - my family didn’t like. As a woman of color, of immigrant parents, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood - I never felt like I found my place. I didn’t belong at home and I definitely didn’t belong in the outside world.

So we take that first drink or the first hit to forget we feel that way inside. And we keep drinking and using to keep forgetting.

And it’s where I started to believe that one day everything will magically work out so I just have to keep holding on to be saved.

I’ve spent so much time ignoring my body that trying to be present in it now, as an adult, makes me feel like a fearful little kid. Anxiety feels scary because I never learned how to manage it.

Ignore all the problems until you’re almost 30 and have a bunch of substance abuse issues and no one to turn to because you can’t trust the people who were supposed to care for you.

I’m just so damn tired of caring. Caring what people think - am I being nice and kind and do they feel heard and god forbid any one ever thinks I have ill intentions….

So yeah, my attitude lately is to block out the noise & do whatever I want to do. Whatever I know is truly good for my soul.

So I started a weaving again and have made some yummy food and am getting in a lot of snuggles with my dog. Also I listen to new music and take in the sunset. I take a long bath and put on my expensive lotion that’s saved for a special occasion because every day is a special occasion now that I am CHOOSING to be alive.

I realized I like having little projects. So I’ve been assigning myself shit to try because I’m interested in it. And that’s enough of a reason for me.

Isn’t the whole point of life to experience? And when you boil it down to that core, what really separates us from each other if we are all in it for the experience?

Am I sounding crazy?? Because I‘be never felt more enlightened and grounded in my sense of things.

Holy shit, it all makes sense now.

Or maybe this is all just one psychotic episode waiting to break loose. Lol. Hopefully not.

I’ve decided I don’t need some big overarching life goal - that I’m totally fine with going with the flow. I don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, forcing myself to think that way has actually cemented this “not good enough” belief.

Because when I think back as a kid and getting lost in the present - I was happy. I used to get lost in entertaining myself for hours. And the world (or my world) told me that was wrong. I wasn’t doing it correctly.

But I’m fine the way I am. You know? Like imagine if we could roll the tape back to before we ever started to hate ourselves or constantly try to “fix” our lives - how did we approach the world before everything was clouded by this inherent sense of “not good enough”.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that people don’t automatically think and know the worst parts of me and judge me by it.

It’s kind of jarring to realize that nobody really is that bothered by me. I’m feeling okay taking up my little space in the world.

I’m ready to care for that little girl who has felt so scared and uncomfortable all these years.

In some ways, I’ve never felt more free.

53 -

Sometimes I feel so different from everyone else I meet. I don’t want to pretend anymore. So I don’t.

I crave solitude almost 95% of the time these days. I mean no texting (not that I do that much any way), no calls, no social media, no doom scrolling - just lost in the day to day. And I like it this way.

I enjoy people and I really love my friends. But I don’t expect anything from them. If they show up, they show up & if they don’t, they don’t. I don’t read much more into it than that. I used to spend HOURS obsessing over social interactions, what people thought of me, if people liked me - etc.

And now I just, don’t really think about people at all.

I’ve been really into walks around my neighborhood, consumed with school & all my other time is essentially devoted to: organizing my life, self-care, painting (a new hobby), hot yoga, etc.

I do have a constant thought plaguing me: “am I becoming a selfish asshole?”

I think it’s more, I am no longer holding myself responsible for other people. Managing emotions and expectations. That’s their responsibility.

I can barely manage myself sometimes so like, the fact that I have tried to manage others for a good portion of my life just exhausts me to think about.

If I am ever offensive or rude or anything perceived poorly, I trust that people know they can come to me and we can talk through it.

I think that for most of my life, I defined my self worth and value through people liking me, having lots of friends/plans, making my life appear great. I thought if people liked me then I mattered.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel pretty strong in who I am and what I stand for. And I know I’ll be okay. Even if I still struggle from time to time.

So like, things are pretty groovy rn. Onward and upward

54 -

In a weird place lately, but a good one. It just feels uncomfortable - kind of like getting a new pair of shoes and waiting for them to fully break in. Or wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t quite fit.

I’m doing really well lately. Ok, honestly I feel like “doing well” has a lot of room for interpretation. But as far as my mind and heart go - I’m doing just fine.

Because I don’t hate myself anymore. And this is everything.

So I’m not exactly where I want to be yet. So what? I am enjoying where I am at.

So people (in my life or not even in my life) don’t exactly approve or understand my life choices. All good - it’s my life, not theirs

I took 5+ grams of shrooms and found myself. Okay that sounds absolutely bonkers when I re-read that but it’s true.

I’ve had some alcohol since that time and I feel completely different drinking. Like I didn’t want to create chaos or hurt the people I love - HELLO WIN! Also, I don’t actually like the way alcohol makes me feel anymore but I acknowledge and recognize when I drink, I am indulging the old me.

Beyond that, I’ve just felt so settled. Whatever happens, I trust in my ability to find a way through. I am the woman in the arena, I am a survivor and I am resilient.

Some of the thought patterns that used to plague me, don’t as much anymore. It’s strange.

I turned 30 and decided now or never.

I think it also goes without saying - but living a life that you enjoy, that brings you peace and security…..wow it changes the game. I try so hard to have sympathy/empathy for those who feel stuck or unhappy.

But if you’re not going to do anything about it, I can’t fucking help you. Because even when shit has been as bad as it has, maybe I wallow sure - BUT I FIND A WAY THROUGH.

What’s crazy to me is this overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I feel present in my body.

Okay so still struggling with weed (because like who isn’t, when alcohol is so 1990) but lately I’ll put the damn bong down and eat a meal or take a nap/rest.

A year ago…..I would have died with the bong in my hand.

I haven’t felt as called to write. My thoughts have felt really jumbled and I’ve been really content to just “be” without needing to overanalyze it all.

Ok I always say that I need to get over this concept of “one day everything is going to magically be better”.

But………….everything has become magically better.

I scrolled back to my original posts first out of the hospital and I don’t recognize that woman. I want to hug her and tell her I’m proud of her. That so many people don’t have the courage to look their truth in the face and accept it, but she did. And she continues to.

I want her to know that I believe in her with all my heart. She can do this. She will do this. She will break the cycle and she will achieve the recurring dream of sitting on her deck in the backyard she owns, recounting how she made it through.

She will. And I will. I am!

55 -

Life trucks on.

I really struggled in June. Fell into a depressive episode that lasted almost the whole month. I missed half the days of school and I smoked weed to deal with how miserable I felt.

Normally I’d beat myself up about this. Another fucking setback.

Instead I’m choosing to remember that change does not happen overnight. It’s the little steps, sometimes tiny ones even, that add up over time.

I got on new meds for ADHD and depression and they seem to be helping significantly. I quit weed and now we are a sober potato all day long. I’m still in the early stages so I’m definitely feeling out of it, distracted, irritable, antsy, BORED!

But I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

It’s so god damn hard.

A cornerstone of my depression is lack of interest, in anything. I don’t know where it went but it’s been gone for some time. I want it back.

I want to wake up feeling optimistic, energized and ready to take on the world.

I’ve realized a lot of life is built on faith - in others, in myself, in good things coming. Faith is hard to develop when you’ve spent your whole life thinking the opposite. But I’m working on it.

As usual, I am a beautiful work in progress. Each day, a little better & brighter. And I have come so far already :)

56 -

Sometimes I look around and I wonder if everyone questions their sense of reality as much as I do.

I feel like something is about to crack.