Instagram @ Blcksmth

Instagram @ blcksmth

June Jordan, from "Poem For Nana", Directed by Desire: The Collected Poems

Truth is like fire; to tell the truth means to glow and burn.

— Gustav Klimt

38 -

The urge to drink or use is so strong. I can feel my resolve weakening. I’m feeling really out of balance right now (moved halfway across the country, my dog isn’t adjusting well, not sleeping or eating well, it’s cold, just to name a few reasons) and what I would give for a glass of wine, at the very least.

That’s the thing though, it’s never just one glass. Not for me anyway. *what I would give for a bottle or 3.

What’s beautiful about sobriety is that I can recognize this out of balance feeling. I can check myself. I can feel that I want to escape my body, my life - anything to get away from the thrumming anxiety in my chest. The swirling thoughts in my brain. The fatigue, the zoning out, the apathy. I can recognize it and I can talk about it. So I did.

I know that drinking and using won’t solve my problems. I know that they will actually make everything worse, especially the anxiety. I know that this feeling - this too shall pass. I know that feelings, especially the deep scary ones, they don’t just “go away”. You can’t run from them. They’re like your shadow, always creeping behind your back unless you step completely into the light.

So yeah, I’m just kind of stuck here. Holding on by a thread. Sitting with it.

Our movers haven’t brought our stuff yet (going on 10+ days) so that’s really frustrating because I feel like I can’t get fully settled in. Feeling so much guilt that my dog isn’t adjusting well - she’s been barking her head off at every little noise and she scared the maintenance men. I know everyone says this, but she IS really sweet. Like annoyingly sweet. She loooves people and thinks she’s a 65lb lapdog. She’s just a little high strung at first. So I feel like I could have, should have done more for her as I raised her. Regret maybe. Our stuff isn’t here, so we’re living off of frozen meals and it’s throwing me off, especially because I’m picky.

Also it’s very cold. I didn’t think it would be as cold as it is, but I think it’s the extra moisture in the air - the kind of cold that seeps into your bones. Regardless, it’s breathtaking here. My skin is drinking it alllll up.

I don’t really know when drinking and using stopped being about the thrill of taking my mind elsewhere, the novelty of doing something new - something bad. Having a secret. At some point, it became what I needed. I couldn’t handle a single fucking feeling on my own. Happiness or sadness, it was all too much. When did I stop being able to handle anything sober? When did I stop recognizing myself?

There’s this moody, speakeasy type bar down the street and I keep thinking how easy it would be to slip away and get my fix, no one has to know.

But then I’d be lying to everyone. More importantly, I’d be lying to myself.

So, I’m trying to hang in there even though it’s so damn hard. I think I’ll go to a meeting. I think I’ll meditate on my greater She - surrender again to Her plan. Remember I am not in control, relieve myself of the burden.

Faith is funny. It’s not like one day you just wake up and *poof* have it - as I’m learning. It’s a conscious choice every day, to surrender. How easy it is to forget that…

I’m hitting 90 days on Monday & I won’t throw it all away just because of stress. I’m the woman in the arena, always. I can do hard things.

Each day a little better and brighter.

40 -

Some would say that “you need to love yourself first before someone else can love you”. I disagree. I think people who love you can show you how to love yourself. You have to believe them when they say that they love your dark brown eyes, so dark that they can lose themselves in them. You have to believe them when they say that you’re one of the funniest people they know. You have to believe them when they tell you that you have a kind heart, that you are honest to a fault.

That’s the problem right? Believing them. Because they don’t know you like you know you. And you know all the ugly parts, the ones they can’t see.

I think when someone loves you - loves the good and the messy - when they love you unconditionally, that love can fill you to the brim. When you can trust that they see you, the raw real you and love you in spite of it all, because of it all…it’s like holding up a mirror so you can love yourself too. So you can see yourself the way they see you.

I think the people who stay in our lives, who weather the storms even when we ourselves are the storms - look to them to see where the light is in you. Because it is there.

I’ve started to really look at myself…to really love myself. To appreciate my body: it’s a temple where parts of me have died only to be reborn again. To appreciate my mind: it moves at the speed of light and has a charm impossible not to love.

I’m still early on but I’m excited to see where I go.

I’m grateful to my greater She. I remember that She is within me, guiding me. She is the one uncovering my eyes to see the light.

With that, feeling morose and pessimistic and apathetic and just stuck. But I still have so much to be thankful for.

The self awareness & faith I have these days (in the greater plan) is priceless to me.

Each day a little better and brighter. :)