Shit Slytherins Say

Shit Slytherins Say

Nottgrass, Dransy

Non-magical, college, texting AU

For my wife @daphnegreengrass

ao3

Pansy to fuck bitches get money: What in the name of merlin did I do last night

Astoria to fuck bitches get money: Honey what didn’t u do

Pansy to fuck bitches get money: Someone pls enlighten me, all my shoes r in the shoer

Pansy to fuck bitches get money: *shower

Pansy to fuck bitches get money: I need to wash my hair but

Pansy to fuck bitches get money: I cannot move them

Daphne to fuck bitches get money: lmaoo u pushed draco into the pond

Daphne to fuck bitches get money: Hes super pissed at u

Pansy to fuck bitches get money: Whoops lmao is that why I facetimed him at 5am

Pansy to fuck bitches get money: Lil bitch didn’t answer

Millie to fuck bitches get money: He texted me at 7 that he found a small fish in his ear

Millie to fuck bitches get money: I’m p sure he was lying

Millie to fuck bitches get money: But the point stands that he is very mad at u

Keep reading

i gotta get myself to hogwaarts WHERE EVERYBODY THINKS I'M COOOOOOL

LYRIC CHAIN!!!!

underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the flares of my Cousin, my Uncle and my Aunt

Magenta D'emon Anxiety Peacock Styles

i win

How to make a “My Immortal” Name

1. Color

2. Abstract noun w/ apostrophe

3. Mental illness

4. Bird

5. Band member last name

Example: Scarlet Ele'gance Alzheimer’s Pigeon Urie

Now go make names!

harry and draco on the broom in that fiendfyre scene:

draco: NOOOO NOT THIS WAY WTF WAIT NO WTF ARE YOU DOING THERE'S NO EXIT HERE ARE YOU MAD WHAT THE FUCK POTTER CAN'T YOU SEE THAT IT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM SAINT POTTER CAN'T EVEN RESCUE SOMEONE THE RIGHT WAY

harry potter books as clickbait titles except that it's actually true

philosophers stone: 'I'M A WIHAT? STORYTIME: Got sent to a WIZARD SCHOOL and KILLED a teacher!'

chamber of secrets: 'THE HEIR OF WHAT? STORYTIME: My best friend got petrified so I went down a toilet to kill a SNAKE and a HANDSOME BOY?'

prisoner of azkaban: 'HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! STORYTIME: My teacher is a WEREWOLF?? A murderer that escaped from prison claims to be my GODFATHER!'

goblet of fire: 'I DIDN'T PUT MY NAME IN THAT CUP OK? STORYTIME: Got put in a DEADLY TOURNAMENT! (BI AWAKENING) VOLDEMORT IS BACK AND HE KILLED MY CRUSH! (EMOTIONAL)'

order of the phoenix: 'NEW PRINCIPLE? STORYTIME: Dumbledore wouldn't talk to me! NEW PRINCIPLE MADE A LOCKDOWN?? My GODFATHER is DEAD! (EMOTIONAL)'

half blood prince: 'I TOLD YOU HE'S A DEATH EATER MIONE! STORYTIME: Draco Malfoy was CRYING IN THE BATHROOM so I almost KILLED HIM! HORCRUX HUNTING WITH DUMBLEDORE(HE DIED!!!)'

deathly hallows (pt.1 cuz its too long): 'DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL! STORYTIME: Searching for horcruxes! I stole DRACO MALFOY'S WAND?? IT WORKS PERFECT WTF! Dobby is DEAD! (EMOTIONAL)'

deathly hallows (pt.2): 'BROKE INTO A BANK! STORYTIME: Freed a BLIND DRAGON and sneaked into HOGWARTS! (STARTED A WAR) Saved MALFOY from the FIENDFYRE! EVERYONE STOP FUCKING DYING! (Snape is ACTUALLY GOOD) KILLED TOM WITH AN 'EXPELLIARMUS'! (VERY EMOTIONAL)

cursed child: 'MIONE WHY DIDN'T YOU DESTROY THAT DAMN TIME TURNER! STORYTIME: Voldemort has a DAUGHTER? DRACO'S child and MY CHILD are BEST FRIENDS??? They travel in TIME! Almost died (AGAIN)'

especially after redeeming a 30+ year old brat that used his position in school to bully children and never felt any remorse towards non-slytherin students

or a professor that sends harry to an abusive household every year, lies to him SO MUCH i cant even begin to explain and has past history of wanting to enslave muggles along with grindelwald

but then she looked at the fanbase and thought : 'oh look this 16 year old boy that had no intentions of killing people and became a death eater only so he can protect his family and was even hesitant about exposing harry in the manor is so likeable!!! let me just *writes a whole article on pottermore about how he is irredeemble bc he was a bully and assumes he's only liked because of tom felton's appeal*, perfect.'

but that's not all of it

she's also biased towards gryffindors and literally hates slytherins. someone needs to remind her that she wrote about 3+ slytherin HEROES (horace, andromeda, regulus..).

and dont even get me started about her lack of culture and her creativity. cho chang?? the hell??

she also said that nagini used to be a HUMAN?? a WOMAN??? an ASIAN WOMAN??? that loved obeying her master and was basically a PET???

she also excused merope gaunt using a love potion on her husband therefore she RAPED him to have tom???? and then said that tom sr is a bad person because he left her????

in conclusion miku wrote harry potter and cc/fb is not canon

i actually hate how jk rowling says that fan shouldn’t like draco. like, i really really hate it. like, draco is a compelling and interesting character and has so much depth to him, depth that rowling never dug into. and i hate how she pretends it’s not there and that draco is just so unlikable when actually he’s a lot more likable than some other characters that she likes more